What is She Werth?

Hey All- I have created a new home for “The Three Bs”.  It will be hosted at http://www.the-three-bs.com 

I would appreciate if you checked it out. Thanks- Shaun 

Here at “The Three Bs” we believe that most situations in the world can be related back to baseball.

With that stated, I will break down this off-season’s free agent signings as they relate to men’s relationships with woman in the real world.  At 27 years old, I am obviously an expert.

The Team will be the man and the Player will be the woman. 

The Boston Red Sox and Carl Crawford (7 years $142 Million):

The Red Sox are a rich and handsome man who has an inferiority complex because of losing every whiffel-ball game to his rival (Yankees) as a child.  As an adult, he still feels the need to beat his rival at any cost.  If his rival (Yanks) is thinking about breaking up with his longtime girl (Mo Rivera), he will swoop in and try to steal her away.  He also wants what his rival wants.  He heard his rival took out Ms. Crawford on an expensive date, and the conversation was excellent.  He immediately calls Ms. Crawford and makes her an offer she cannot refuse.

Here’s the phone call:

Red Sox:  “Look babe, you are smoking hot.  I want you.  I want you all to myself.  We can do this.  I’ll make it worth your while.  How about I give you $142 million to stay with me for the next 7 years?”

Ms. Crawford: “You’re making a grown woman blush.  I don’t know what to say.”

Red Sox: “Say Yes!”

Ms. Crawford: “Yesssss, you made me the happiest girl from Houston.”

The Red Sox got the hottest girl in the free agent class in her prime.  Ms. Crawford should age well and still be attractive in the final years. It’s a huge commitment, but will prove to be worth it.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).


The Washington Nationals and Jayson Werth (7 years $126 Million):

The Nationals are an unattractive overweight man without much personality who recently has inherited substantial wealth.  Ms. Werth is attractive, but not beautiful.  She would interest most suitors but have turned most of them off because of her exaggerated self worth.  The two were set up by a mutual friend (Scott Boras).  Ms. Werth showed a enough interest where he thought he might be able to get an nice “old fashion” out of the deal.  After Ms. Werth put her hand on his, he blurted:

“7 years for $126 Million.”

Mr. Boras (chaperoning) sitting at the table reached into his pocket and produced a pen.  He handed it to Ms. Werth.

Ms. Werth knew she was doing this for money.  She sacrificed happiness for everlasting financial freedom.

She never said a word, she just signed the contract.

In the words of the Great Gary Radnich: “126 Million……126 Million….. REALLLYYY? ONNE-HUUUNNDRED TWEEENNNTY-SIX MILLION?”

…and I thought the Aaron Rowand deal was bad in 2008 for Los Gigantes.

For Kicks:

Jayson Werth (2010), 31 Years Old .296/.388/.532 46 2Bs 27 HRs and 85 RBI

Aaron Rowand (2007), 30 Years Old .309/.374/.515 45 2Bs 27 HRs and 89 RBI

Hurry Mr. Harper, you will be needed.

The Philadelphia Phillies and Cliff Lee (5 years $120 Million):

The Phillies are the attractive guy who once used and abused a beautiful girl.  Ms. Lee was very good to him, she gave everything she had, and was sent packing.  He left Ms. Lee for a very enticing reason (Doc Holladay) but missed her dearly.&n
He kept thinking what could have been if he kept her around.  Ms. Lee was back on the market and had many serious suitors.  He thought he had no chance.  Her new boyfriend tried to convince her to stay (Rangers) and the super attractive billionaire (Yankees) tried to lure her in.  He thought he’d text her on a whim to see if she still had feelings. He knew it was a one-in-a-million chance. But hell, one-in-a-million means there is a chance.

To his surprise, Ms. Lee not only text back but wanted to reconcile.  She stated how she longed for the comfort of the love she once knew. She went back to him even though he treated her like a tramp.

The lesson is simple. Girls love ********. 

Why play the 2011 season? Just throw the Phills and Red Sox in the series.

The Chicago White Sox and Adam Dunn (4 years $56 Million):

It’s simple.  The White Sox are the guy who likes big **** (HRs). Ms. Dunn has big ****.  He offered her the most, and she didn’t refuse. 

The **** will not sag in Chicago.  He will get what he paid for, lots of ****.

The New York Yankees and Derek Jeter (3 years $51 Million):

He has been married to Ms. Jeter for 15+ years, her looks are starting to go, and her spunky personality is getting a little tired.  She wants a lavish anniversary present.  He usually reserves lavish gifts for girls he is trying to pursue.  

He is annoyed that Ms. Jeter still views herself at the peak of powers.  Ultimately, he decides that the lavish gift is beneficial over a very messy and public divorce.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).


The Chicago White Sox and Paul Konerko (3 years $37.5 million):

He has been married to Ms. Konerko for 10+ years and things are going great.  The last year might have been their best year of marriage. Ms. Konerko is loyal and just wanted to be treated fairly.  He obliged, deal done.

The New York Yankees and Mariano Rivera (2 years $30 Million):

He is gorgeous, she is gorgeous, and they both need each other.  Another attractive man tried to swoop in (Red Sox) but He knew it wouldn’t matter.  They both wanted and needed each other.

Los Gigantes de San Francisco and Aubrey Huff (2 years 22 Million):

They met by necessity in early 2010.  She needed a home, he needed a warm body.  Neither was too attracted to each other at first.  A funny thing happened over the next year.  He realized Ms. Huff had a great personality and looked amazing in a red thong.  She realized that she not only had a place to stay but found a home as well.  The two will be very happy for the next couple years.

The Los Angeles Dodgers and Juan Uribe (3 years $21 Million):

He watched his biggest rival (Gigantes) reach the pinnacle with Ms. Uribe.  She isn’t a natural beauty but can look damn good when she gets made up. Ms. Uribe has never been given a real commitment.  He decided to reach out and steal her heart with promises of champagne and beaches. Ms. Uribe decided she “just wanted to chill” and took him up on his offer.  Her former lover tried a last second effort to reel her back in but it was too late.  The Lebronafication had already set it.  She was all set to chill in LaLa land.

The Oakland A’s and Hideki Matsui (1 year $4.25 Million):

He really wanted to get with an Asian.  He’s been trying all year.  He first tried with a high priced newly imported woman (Hisashi Iwakuma) and then had to settle with the easier target in Ms. Matsui.

Bottom line: He will get into bed with an Asian.

Los Gigantes de San Francisco and Pat Burrell (1 year $1 Million):

He met her at a bar while she was intoxicated with reminisce of puke on her shirt.  Considering her state, she didn’t look half bad.  He went to her place from the bar as she was “DTF”. 

He was a little surprised when she pulled out the gimp suit for him to wear.  S&M was new to him, he liked it.  He signed up for one more year.

The New York Yankees and Mark Prior (1 year $850k):

He wasn’t that attractive in high school, she was the prom queen.  She’s added a good 45lbs to her frame since her prime.  He still sees her for what she used to be. 

“If she got to the gym she could be smoking hot again.”

The problem is that Ms. Prior hasn’t been to the gym since 2006 (last appearance in MLB) and has no desires to get back.  She is happy getting paid on the slight chance she might make it into the gym and get into shape.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).



  1. raysrenegade

    I guess only fans in San Fran and Tampa Bay could notice the walking style of the “gimp” in the Chris Rose/Brian Wilson prank was none other than Pat the Bat.
    But then again, he was always known as “The Machine” in Philly, and I am not sure if a lady gave him that title……maybe.
    Still kudos to Burrellfor getting another gig and a chance to make another “guest” appearance somewhere in 2011. Hopefully he will not be wearing a rally thong.

    Rays Renegade


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