Tagged: Bengie Molina

The $200 French Fries

Saturday, March 27, 2010

7:30 A.M.

BANG!  BANG!  BANG!

“Scottsdale PD, OPEN THE DOOR!”

RT:  “B.S.”

I dragged myself out of bed and made my way to the door.

SLY: “Not B.S.”

RT: “Fuhhhhhhhk.”

How did it come to this?

French fries were involved 

Apparently, there are rules in Arizona.


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This seems fitting for Arizona.

The annual pilgrimage to Spring Training started with a 4:00am wake-up call on Thursday, the 25th. We (RT and I) had the first flight out of San Jose to Phoenix at 6:30A.M.  We were past security by 5:20 A.M.

We tried to order beers with breakfast.

I hate stupid California laws (alcohol cannot be purchased until 6:00 A.M.).

After the beer-less breakfast we bought a couple Red Bulls for the flight. 

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. 

Thanks for that Moto Skipper.  I live by it.

Our flight was airborne on time, we were ready to get the vacation started.

SLY: “Four vodkas please.”

Male Flight Attendant: “Are you two with that group?”

“That group” was a few rowdy Gigantes fans sitting three rows in front of us who were also in the vacation spirit.

RT and I pulled out our Red Bulls. 

Our airline neighbor: “You two are prepared.”

SLY: “Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.”

KJ picked us up from the airport.  We went back to KJ’s hotel as it was far too early for us to check into ours.

We had three hours to kill before heading to the first game of the day (M’s and Indians in Goodyear, AZ).

We did what we always do for pre-gaming before a day game.  We drank beermosas (Blue moon and OJ).  We drink beermossas because they are delicious and are healthier than drinking a plain beer. 


beermosas.jpg 

I love beermosas they’re sooo delicious, soooo delicious!

Our Group (SLY, RT, KJ, Kate, KTbug) made our way to Goodyear, AZ.  We observed many people performing actions that are illegal in California but aparently are acceptable in Arizona.  We decided to list them.

1.) Talking on a cell phone without a hands free device while driving! 

2.) Motorcycle riders without helmets.

3.) People riding in the bed of pick-up trucks.

4.) No seatbelts.

This was a fun game.  I was sure we would add a few more as this trip went on.

We agreed the laws in Arizona are more like guidelines.  I figured all these laws are enforced like chewing tobacco (disgusting) in college baseball; it is illegal, but tolerated.

Once we got to the parking lot we met up with KJ’s uncle, Jim Jones (Not the leader of The People’s Temple!!) and Friend (Tim). 

 

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Uncle Jim and I share the same favorite hour of the day, happy hour. 

Uncle Jim and Tim were awesome.  Both are baseball lunatics and Uncle Jim is also an author.  I recommend checking out Jim’s website (www.ballparksacrossamerica.com).  I decided it would be my duty to ensure Uncle Jim (Tim declined the beer service) was never beer-less.

While pre-gaming (drinking) in the parking lot we were able to add a couple more laws in California which were not enforced in Arizona to our list.

There were no Port-O-Lets in the parking lot.  I had to relieve myself between a couple cars.

5.  Public urination.  A U.I.P. (urinating in public) cost RT $167.50 in California. 


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I swear I did not go on a car. I respect other’s property.

A police officer came up to us in the parking lot.  Kate is only 18, and she was pre-gaming.

Uncle Jim: “Oh S#*t.”

We were about to be carded.  I don’t know what the penalty is for underage drinking in Arizona.  More importantly, I do not know what the penalty is for supplying an underage person with alcohol.  I was about to have my veil of ignorance removed.

The Officer looked at RT and said “Can you place that bottle of beer into a plastic cup.  We don’t want to have glass in the parking lot.  Cans are fine.”

RT: “No problem.”

Police Officer: “Thanks guys, have a good day.”

The police officer left.  We all let out a collective sigh.

Uncle Jim: “We dodged a bullet there.”

There are no laws in Arizona! 

 

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Add underage drinking to the list!

6.) Underage drinking.


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We had great seats (about 10 rows behind home plate) and King Felix was on the bump.  I kept my duty to Uncle Jim through the bottom of the 7th inning.  We talked baseball and fantasy baseball for the entire game.  The conversation was the main attraction and the game was pleasant secondary entertainment. 

I cannot remember who won the game.   I just remember it was a blast.

KJ drove us over to our hotel in Scottsdale to check in and for all of us to get a much needed nap before the second game (Gigantes vs. Athletics).  Our hotel (Papago Inn) was straight out of the late 70s.  I love shag carpet.  Whatever, it was close to Scottsdale Stadium.  It would serve our purpose.

I was able to catch a few ZZZs, even if I wasn’t on the bed.


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As I remember, this was more comfortable than it looked.

We (RT, KJ, and I) knew we were going to dress up for this game.  KJ, RT, and I were all rocking our Gigantes jerseys.  It was a repeat of Halloween (minus the baseball pants).  I was Lincecum (complete with wig), RT was Zito, and KJ was Cain. 

We should have parked in the player’s parking lot.

 

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We were popular at the yard.

The big three ended up taking a lot of pictures with other Gigantes fans.  KJ and I were told repeatedly that we look like our counterparts.  KJ does look like Cain.  I do not look like Lincecum.  I am much better looking.

One Gigantes fan asked how we picked which Gigante we would be.  RT gave him an answer.   I cut him off when it came to me.

RT: “I am Zito because I make the most money.  KJ is Cain because he is the biggest.  SLY is Lincecum because…”

SLY: “I have the most talent (BTW, not true).”

The game was sold out.  We had to hang out on the burm (in the grassy area beyond the outfield wall).  The burm was packed, it was impossible to get a good seat.  It was hard to follow the game as we were so far away.   I ended up making lots of new friends out in the burm, mainly due to my Timmy wig.   

KJ,  KTbug, and Kate left early as the day drinking and sun wiped them out.  RT and I were still going strong, even though we were showing some wear and tear.  My eyes were completely bloodshot and RT’s eyes were half closed. 

 

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Too much sun and booze will do this to you.

The “Idiot Tax” should have been applied to RT and I.

Los Gigantes won the game.  I have to be completely honest.  This was the least amount of baseball I have watched at a baseball game.  I had to look the score up the next day.  Yeah, it was that bad.

RT and I went to Dos Gringos (Bar, surprised?) after the game.  The name was fitting (KJ was gone, it was down to RT and I), in San Jose there is a bar named Tres Gringos  (we are usually the only gringos there) which we used to patronize often in college.

Dos Gringos was selling $.50 Coronas, which led to one more unenforced law to add to our list.   

7.) Public intoxication

We stayed until 1:00 A.M. 

Long day… We did not have trouble falling asleep.

 

Friday, March 26th 2010

RT and I (KJ and crew had other plans) made our way to the ballpark around noon for Gigantes/Angels.  We didn’t have tickets, the game was sold out, and Lincecum was going to pitch.  Tickets were going to be expensive.  We had to find a scalper. 

I have rules for purchasing tickets from scalpers.

 

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1.) The scalper must appear over the age of 35. 

2.) He (I have never seen a woman scalper) must look ragged or worn.

3.) Preferably not Caucasian.  I’ve had negative experiences with Caucasian scalpers.

4.) Buy the tickets one or two blocks from the stadium.

5.) Don’t let KJ negotiate, in this case, RT.

I found a scalper who met most of the criteria.  There was not much negotiating.  We paid $100 for our two seats (12 rows back, just left of home plate).  RT and I graduated college (Get up, show up, and keep up) and understand supply and demand. 

We were competing with many fans for seats.  We don’t like to lose. 

RT and I went through the gates and we got breakfast, a hot dog and beer. 

I took one sip of beer and immediately realized my body did not recover during my slumber.

SLY: “Dude, I feel re-drunk after one sip.”

RT:  “I was thinking the exact same thing.”

That ended up being our only beer of the game.  We needed a break, and wanted to follow the game.

We read that Kevin Frandsen got shipped off to Beantown for a player-to-be-named and/or cash considerations.  My SJSU connection to Los Gigantes is now gone.  We alerted a few fans who were talking about Frandsen.  I guess not everyone checks www.mlbtraderumors.com for updates every 15 minutes.

Lincecum looked like himself minus his exceptional control.  He had 5ks in 4 innings.  His change piece was in mid-season form.  Tim made Godzilla (Matsui) look like a little challenger (Mentaly Challenged) player, twice.  He was also stealing strikes with his hook (Lincecum stealing strikes is a scary thought).

Andres Torres was the best player in the starting lineup for Los Gigantes.  I hope this guy gets at-bats against lefties this year.  He was a monster right handed (He’s a swtich hitter) in limited at bats last year with a line of .338/.397/.718.  Nobody expects Torres to match that slugging percentage, but his speed makes positive plays happen.  I also love his all-out hustle, he is fun to watch.

We got to see Buster Posey get a big at-bat in the bottom of the 8th.  Buster hit a ground rule double to right center, it was impressive.  If the kid doesn’t go north with the big club, he will be there shortly. 

Steve Holm had the game winning hit.  Los Gigantes beat the halos 5-3. 

This win made up for 2002.

RT and I headed back to our hotel for some NCAA tourney viewing and rest.  We got plenty of both.  We woke up around 10:00 P.M. and headed to a bar.

RT and I had a great time in Old Scottsdale.  We made many new friends. 

People from the mid-west are quite possibly the nicest people in the world. 

We drank $3 Red Bull Vodkas, yes we drank too much.  We got a cab after the bars closed and headed towards our hotel. 

Then it happened.

We saw the golden arches.  They looked marvelous in our drunken minds.  RT and I were on the same drunken wave length.  We made the cabbie go through the drive-through.

 

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Drunk food at 2:45 A.M. always sounds like a great idea.  This was anything but.

We devoured our food when we got back to the room.  All I had left was the fries.  I was just about done when I decided it was good idea to finish them on the balcony outside our room.  I had about three fries left when I decided I no longer wanted to put anymore of the fried slices of potatoes in my body.  I was done with them.  I threw the remaining fries over the balcony and walked back inside to get ready for bed.

Two minutes later, as I was brushing my teeth there was loud pounding on our door.  This was not a friendly knock.  I glanced through the peep hole.

SLY: “There’s a guy out there, he looks pissed.”

RT:  “What did you do?”

SLY: “I threw a few fries over the balcony.”

I immediately turned off all the lights (So the man would think we weren’t there.  It made sense to my drunken brain.).  We jumped in our beds hiding from the angry man just outside the door.  He pounded on the door for another 20 minutes before giving up.

Our hotel phone rang.  It continued to ring.  We were not going to answer the phone.

RT’s cell phone, he answered.  

Drunks are not smart.

It was the Hotel Manager (the man who pounded on our door).  He asked if we were in our room.  RT did what we learned in college. 

Deny, deny, deny, and deny some more.

RT told the Angry Hotel Manager t that we were in Tempe trying to make our way back from a bar.  We thought he bought it.  We passed out.  It was 3:30 A.M.

7:30 A.M.

BANG!  BANG!  BANG!

“Scottsdale PD, OPEN THE DOOR!”

RT:  “B.S.”

I dragged myself out of bed and made my way to the door.

SLY: “Not B.S.”

RT: “Fuhhhhhhhk.”

I opened the door and was greeted by three officers.  Two male and one fe-MALE (she wanted to be a dude).

 

cops in hotel.jpg

Bad Boy, Bad boys, Watcha gonna do when they come for you?

Scottsdale’s finest told RT and I to both come out and take a seat.  We were both wearing our boxers.  It was like an episode of cops, except we weren’t 50 pounds over or under weight and we weren’t on meth.  We were still rather intoxicated.

I have seen the “Locked up” show on TV.  I would never last or enjoy being in jail.  I am not like Oscar from “The Office”.

 

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You know, because of gay?

The Angry Hotel Manager started to yell mean things at us. Some of his statements were true, others were not. He told the officers there were three culprits (It was only RT and I).  The officers then took over and began to question us.  We both stated that we were in Tempe until 4 A.M. 

I knew we were not in real “trouble” with the law.  I mean, there are no laws in Arizona!  The officers alerted us that the Hotel Manager was hit in the head by French Fries.  He was evicting us from the hotel.  He does have the right to refuse service.  We had to get our belongings and leave the property. 

My only question (besides why did I throw the fries?); what was the Hotel Manager doing walking around the courtyard at 3:30 A.M.?

The Officers were cool about the whole situation.  They were joking with us as they escorted us out and gave us tips on what hotels to check out.  I turned to RT and said:

SLY: “Apparently, there are rules in Arizona.”

RT: “Apparently.”

Finding a new hotel wasn’t a problem.  RT was on his blackberry and booked us a hotel on the same street before we were out of the lobby.  We got in the cab and gave the address to the driver. 

The driver drove and continued to drive down Scottsdale Ave.  The street never ended.  The new hotel was 8 miles down the road.  It was a $20 cab ride.

RT: “Maybe I should have google mapped it.”

I was in no place to be upset.  It was my fault we were in this stupid situation.

We arrived at the new hotel at 8:15 A.M. and checked it.  The woman at the front desk was awesome.  She got us into a room by 9:00 A.M.  RT wrote a Yelp review on the Papago Inn.  Here is RT’s review from www.yelp.com :

I’m sure this was probably a really nice hotel… In 1970. Very disappointing for a three star resort? Resort? Really? The first morning we woke up to a hooker down the hall arguing with the hotel manager. I guess if you’re in Scottsdale on a low budget it  will do the job but I can’t recommend it.

I would have thrown in… The Hotel Manager is scared of red-haired clowns and is a fan of Burger King.

We both fell back asleep.  We woke up at 11:30 A.M.  We were dead tired but we were not going to miss the Gigantes/Angels game in Tempe at 1:00 A.M. 

The fry incident was going to cost us an extra $20 every time we got into a cab since we were 8 miles further from our previous centralized location.

It cost us $60 to get to Tempe Diablo Stadium.

Sorry RT.

This game was also sold out.  We had to find a scalper. 

We found a scalper who met most of my scalper requirements.  He was older, haggard, and we were referred to him by a brotha.  He had to have some cream (scalper slang for great seats).

 

cash scalper.jpg

Cash is king in the scalper world.  An AMEX Card won’t get you nosebleeds.

Scalper: “$30 a piece for the burm or $60 a piece for 5 rows up down the first base line.”

SLY: “$100 for two down the first base line.”

The scalper walked away.

RT:  “We just paid $60 to get here.  Let’s pay the $60 each to watch the game.”

SLY: “We will take them for $120.”

We paid premium regular season prices for a Cactus League game. 

I do not respect the U.S. Dollar.

We both agreed alcohol would not be in our future.  This was a shame, as Barry Zito was on the hill.  We were letting out first opportunity for the Barry Zito Drinking Game go down the toilet.  No worries, we will have 30+ opportunities during the regular season. 

Zito actually looked sharp in his start.  Zito kept most of the Halo hitters off balance for the first 5 innings.  He fell apart quickly in the 6th before coming out of the game.  He ended up giving 4ER in 5 1/3 innings.

There was amazing moment in the top of the 5th inning.  Big Money hit a bases loaded clearing double to give los Gigantes the lead. 

There was a loud Gigantes fan that started chanting “Scoreboard…Scoreboard…Scoreboard”.

A few smart Halo fans responded back “2002…2002…2002.” 

I relived game Six for a moment.  I threw up in my mouth. 

Here was the amazing part.  I knew…errr (RT) recognized the idiot chanting “scoreboard”.  RT and I recognized this idiot from a spring training game in 2009.  He was heckling J.J. Hardy and Casey McGehee.  This was the highlight of the day.

Here is picture of the guy from 2009. He was wearing the same style Hawaiian shirt this year.

 

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McGGHHHEEEEEHHHHEEEEEEEE and JJ HARRRDDDDLYYYY!!!!! (His heckles from 2009 Cactus League)

After watching three games I am rooting for John Bowker to get most of the starting at-bats in final outfield spot.  Bowker has out-played Nate Schierholtz this spring.  Schierholtz has looked lost in his at-bats.  He was late on hard stuff and ahead of the off-speed pitches.  Schierholtz is the superior defensive player and can still take over late inning situations.  Los Gigantes needs all the offense they can get.  Give Bowker the majority of the at-bats and see what he can do.

Los Gigantes lost by a run and we left before we had to hear more about the 2002 World Series.  I somehow negotiated a cab ride back to our hotel for a flat rate of $40.  Score for SLY.  The ride should have been around $75 with the traffic we experienced.

We then headed straight to our room and slept for the next 12-14 hours.  I was even too tired to say anything derogatory to a few Dodger fans in the lobby.

Put a fork in us. 

 

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We were done.

What did I learn on this trip?

There are many laws you can ignore Arizona, throwing fries, though not a law, should be avoided.

Being a drunken idiot and throwing three fries cost an extra $200 (hotel + extra cab fare).  That was my first $200 meal of my life.  The next time I want to spend $200 on a meal I will order some Dom Perignon with my fries. 

I never want to hear Banging on a door again. 

Please use the doorbell. 

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Gigantes, Tequila, and Bears… OH MY!

I envy Bears.

Bears have no idea what it is like to live without baseball. 

Actually, I think Bears have it all figured out.

I can say for certain, The G.O.B (Government of Bears) came together and decided to do the whole hibernation thing because of the pain that November through February causes. 

 


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No Baseball equals incredible amounts of pain and boredom.  Sleeping through those horrible months is such an amazing idea, I think I may try it this year.

I would have to put on a good amount of weight in preparation for the hibernation.  I don’t know if I am ready to add the necessary weight, as I would still like females to find me attractive.


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 I have added up all the pros and cons for myself hibernating.

The result:

I want tooooooooooooo freaking hibernate.  I won’t mind being obese for the month before my hibernation.  All I will do during the month before hibernation will be eating and watching postseason baseball. 

 


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I won’t even have time for females, so I could care less if they find me unattractive.  Plus, when I wake up, everyone will comment on my weight loss and how great I look.

Damn, this is a good idea.  I will sleep through baseballessness and wake up more attractive to the opposite sex.

I might be able to sell this idea during an infomercial.   Damn, I wish Billy Mays was still alive.  I know he could sell this idea.

 


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“Hi, Billy Mays here for….HybernationSensation.”

“HibernationSensation is the perfect plan for the boredom months.  You will never have to live without baseball and as an added bonus, you wake up in time to get your March Madness brackets in order. ”

Good for you, Bears.

It has been Ten days since the last Gigantes game.  I am already having withdrawals.  In the last ten days I have given a lot of thought to the season.

I want to break down the player’s seasons in a way that I can relate to.

If the players were Tequila’s, what kind of tequila would they be?

Yes, I am making Player/Tequila comparisons.


tequila_poster.jpg 

Patron (Silver):  Over rated, overpriced, but has a great marketing campaign.  It needs to be chilled to be somewhat enjoyable.

1. Aaron Rowand:

Rowand is a gamer, and I loved his commercials this year, but EWWW. He got paid $9.6 Million to put up a line of .261/15/64 with an OPS of .738. 

2.  Barry Zito:

2009 was his best year as a Gigante.  He went 10-13 with a 4.03 ERA and a whip of 1.35.  I would love these numbers from a number 3 or 4 starter.  Oh boy, I don’t want to mention his contract. It is not his fault Los Gigantes paid him buckets and buckets of Gold.  Damn you Scott Boras and your Player Profile Packets with projected HOF stats and projected player revenue streams.  Damn you (Scott) are good.  I wish I could be like you.

3.  Randy Winn:

No comment.  I don’t want to throw up the delicious dinner I ate an hour ago.

4.  Edgar Renteria:

 Edgar, Thank you for giving me the “I think something good happened” moment.  That was by far, my favorite moment of the year.  I will never forget the pure joy I experienced in the car with KJ on the way home from San Diego.  Unfortunately, that moment was your only moment. 

Don Julio (Silver): moderately priced, smooth, and available at most locations.  Best served chilled.

1. Matt Cain:

Matt went 14-8 with a 2.88 ERA.  Matt tailed off the last two months but the season as a whole was great.  I expect nothing less next year.

2.  Brian Wilson:

Brian followed up an All-Star year with a superior year in 2009.  His “Life of Brian” TV show was also a house favorite of KJ and mine.

3.  Bengie Molina:

Bengie was miscast as a cleanup hitter.  This was not his fault.  He still produced 20 bombs and 80 RBI.  This would be great production if it was from a 6 or 7 hitter, which is where Big Money should be sitting in any adequate lineup.  I wouldn’t mind him back for one more year while Buster (Posey) seasons.

Partida (Silver): You’ve heard about it, and it is as good as advertised.  It is worth it at almost any price.

1. Tim Lincecum:

The Freak backed up his Cy Young season with arguably a better all around season.  LincccceeeeCUM…LinnnncceeeeeCCCUUUUMMM!

2. Pablo Sandoval:

Kung Fu Panda sported a .330/25/90 with .943 OPS.  Booo yea son.  Pandas can flat rake.  I love that Pablo is short, fat, swings at everything, and squares everything up.  God, I love Pablo Sandoval. He is my favorite position player in MLB.

3. Jeremy Affeldt:

Affeldt was easily the best signing of the off season.  He posted a 1.73 ERA while getting the ball to Wilson in the 9th.  He had a 3 month stretch where he was not human.  He was the anchor of the bullpen.

El Tesoro de Don Felipe (Anejo): Someone has to tell you about it and once they do you are an instant fan.

1. Andres Torres:

In spring training I watched Torres and thought he could be the future in CF.  We looked him up on our phone and found out he was a 31 year old journeyman.  All he did was post a .876 OPS and started meaningful games in September over Aaron Rowand.  I loved his energy and enthusiasm all year.  He has a chance to get a lot more meaningful at bats in 2010.

2.  Juan Uribe:

By far, Uribe was my biggest surprise of the year.  Uribe was the most dangerous hitter on Los Gigantes in September.  I hope he is retained next year.  Thank you for the OOOOOOOOOUUU-REEBAAAAY chant this year.  I felt like I was seven years old every time I heard and participated in it.

3.  Dan Runzler:

I think I have a man crush on him, nuff said.

4. Randy Johnson:

Anybody who tears their rotator cuff and comes back when he has nothing to prove is good in my book.  Randy looked funny in the Orange and Black but it was cool to say, “We got Tim Lincecum, Randy Johnson, and Matt Cain going in this series”.

Jose Cuervo Gold: The name brings flashbacks of chugging tequila from the bottle and then being THE King of the Porcelain Throne for the night.

1. Fred Lewis:

I don’t want to say what I think about F.Lew.  I’ll let him.  This is from the horse’s mouth.

“When I was young, I wanted to be a legendary ballplayer.  Look at me now.”

Yes, legend, in your own mind.  Please go away.

2.  Bob Howry:

His overall numbers were actually quite good.  But it seems like his ERA was 65.82 and he gave up 983 Home runs this year.  I am sorry, I am being a fanatical.

3. Travis Ishikawa:

He was handed the keys to the First base job, and handed them back.  He was the ultimate Jekyll and Hyde with the bat at home and on the road.

Home .349/7/28 with a .935 OPS

Road .162/2/11 with a .471 OPS.

What was the deal?

ISA (Silver):   There is hype, we will have to wait to see how good it is until the finished product comes out.

1. Madison Bumgarner:

I stated my expectations for Madison in an earlier entry.  Go back and read it.

2. Buster Posey:

Expectations: The batting average of Ty Cobb, the power of Barry Lamar (enhanced version 2.5), and the good will of Jesus.  Yep, that sounds about right. 

 

 

Wow, I am thirsty.

Anyone want a drink?

…..and I am serious about the Hibernation idea.

This is perfect.


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Life in an Alternate Universe

I hope everyone watched or listened to yesterday’s game.  

Lincecum was amazing.  

When did the umpires start wearing (Dodger) blue?  There were three horrendous calls.  The game never should have went to extra frames.  I hope the adversity of the Dodger series will bring the team closer together.

Thank you Guillermo Mota for throwing Mr. Uribe (After a walk-off I have to pay my respects with the Mr.) an 0-2 fastball after Mr. Uribe looked horrible on the first two sliders.

This win felt much larger than the one win it represented in the standings.  What a great way to board a flight to New York.

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Ok, off to my alternate universe.

I got back from the gym last night feeling extremely chipper.  The encore presentation (already called “an instant classic”) of the game was being shown at the gym.  My friend, his girlfriend, and I had a conversation of what Los Gigantes players would be if they were not pro ball players.

Here is life for Los Gigantes roster in our alternate universe. 

Starting Pichers

 

#55 Tim Lincecum

Hot Topic employee or ticket taker at a movie theater.

Timmy has the look for both jobs. 

Tim’s long black hair, bracelets, and the beanie he wears every second off the baseball field would be a perfect fit for the emo cliental at Hot Topic.

I swear Timmy takes my tickets at the Movie Theater I patronize.

 

#18 Matt Cain

Farmer

Cain is home grown and corn fed.  He has the size, strength, and patience (he did not seem to get frustrated with the lack of run support the previous two seasons) to be an excellent farmer.

 

#75 Barry Zito

Singer/Songwriter

Zito is ultra famous because of lyrics like:

Like I slept with your mother

Don’t judge me, cause

I could be your brother and

we could be a family

dreamy zito.jpg 

Thanks for that Barry. Classic.

 #57 Jonathan Sanchez 

Rum Distiller

Sanchez is from the land of Rum (Puerto Rico).  It is no surprise he started making the stuff.  The quality of his product is inconsistent, but his buyers keep buying in hope he will replicate his flashes of brilliance.

 

#51 Randy Johnson

Surgeon

Johnson is old, has the red a$s, and has been under the knife.  Johnson has carved up hitters for about 20 years.  He would do the same on humans.

 

 Relievers

#38 Brian Wilson

Professional Wrestler

Brian, a failed actor went to professional wrestling after being discovered by a WWE talent scout during a P90X infomercial. His stage name became a combination of his real life nickname (B-Weezy) and a tribute to his faith (Jesus). He became known as B-Jeezy.

 

#54 Sergio Romo

bmays.jpgProfessional Pitch Man

 

 

 

Romo inspired by the late Billy Mays would become the most successful Latino Pitch Man in the history of the universe. Oxy Limpio, his clear, crisp, booming voice, jet black goatee, and white teeth would help carry him to the top of the Latin Pitch Man profession.

 

 

 

#41 Jeremy Affeldt

Cyber Sex Crime Detective

Affeldt is a Detective prowling the world wide web for cyber sex crime violators.  He poses as a 15 year old blond female with the screen name HotELuvsRelief41 to reel in the predators. 

 

#52 Brandon Medders

Electrician

After failing his way through High School, Brandon enrolled in a trade school and became an average electrician.  He is signed up with local union #520 

#45 Travis Miller

Tattoo Artist

The most tattoo’d man in Baseball history is a tattoo artist.  I am not sure if he is much of an artist, or if he has a steady hand.  Any takers?

 

#46 Bob Howry

Leader of  The Mormon Church

Howry is the leader of The Mormon Church.  He would become more powerful than Joseph Smith.  Somehow people have unwavering faith in Howry, and he looks the part.

 


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Joseph Smith- WoW. 

 

#47 Merkin Valdez

Ice Cream Man

Valdez’s big wide smile brings kids to his ice cream truck.  He makes a nice living.

 

#49 Joe Martinez

Organized Crime

The clean cut and good looking Martinez has a nice career in organized crime.  He’s from Jersey, so he’s got connections.  We know he can take a big punch and has no problem coming back for more.

 

Position Players

 

#1 Bengie Molina 

Coyote

Molina along with his partner Andres Torres are a great team in the Coyote business.  Molina has great navigation skills.  Although he is not fleet of foot, he gets the job done.

 

#22 Eli Whiteside

Just For Men Cover boy

Mr. Whiteside is a cover boy for  the “Just for Men” hair coloring product.  Whiteside would be in the same class as other JFM legends; Walt Frazier, Emmett Smith, and Keith Hernandez. 

Whiteside has climbed to Jared of Subway fame.

 

#10 Travis Ishikawa

Sushi Chef/Entertainer

Ishikawa is a world renown sushi chef and  “House of Genji” entertainer.  The Japanese side of him came out.  However, he is timid with  knifes, which led to “House of Genji” finding a replacement 60% through the busy dining season.

 

#23 Ryan Garko

Barry Zito Impersonator

Despite having a much different build, Garko has an solid career as an Impersonator for ultra-famous singer/songwriter Barry Zito.  Garko started in small towns such as Cleveland and packed his bags for the bright lights of Las Vegas where he was expect to make a huge impact in the impersonation field but has done little to influence his profession.  


elvis.jpg
 

 “Like I slept with your mother, don’t judge me, cause I could be your brother, and we could be a family.”

 

#35 Rich Aurilia

Baseball Coach

Aurilia is an excellent  baseball coach.  He loves to hang around the game and this profession provides a great option.  HHIIINNNTTTTT!

 

#21 Freddy Sanchez

Substitute Teacher

Sanchez is a substitute teacher who did an excellent job and later became full time.  He became tenured! 

 

#16 Edgar Renteria

Colombian Drug Lord

Cocaine is the Country’s business.  It is what came natural to him. 

 

#5 Juan Uribe

Circus Clown

Uribe has a nice career in the Ringling Bros Family Circus.  He looks, acts, talks, and walks funny. He makes people smile and laugh.  He loves his career. 

 

#48 Pablo Sandoval

Pablo Sandoval could only be one thing.

A professional baseball player.  The Panda was born to play this game. Sandoval doing anything else would make me vomit.

pablo.jpg   

 

#8 Eugenio Velez

Cab Driver

Velez has lots of experience on buses, so he knows where he is going. I also call Velez the Eritrean Cab Driver for a reason. Use your eyes.

 

#20 John Bowker

Abercrombie and Fitch Model

Bowker is a model for Abercrombie and Fitch. He has one problem,  he looks better on paper than in person.  Which has stalled a once promising career.

 

#2 Randy Winn

College Professor

Winn teaches multiple subjects as he was never great in one, but good in many.

 

#33 Aaron Rowand

Construction Worker

Rowand is a blue-collar American worker.  He builds over-priced houses for over-paid professional athletes. 

 I think he owns one of those houses in our universe.

 

#12 Nate Schierholtz

Hair Club for Men Spokesman

Pre-maturely balding Schierholtz got hooked up with the Hair Club for Men group.  HCFM made such an astounding difference that Schierholtz became the lead before/after shot in all the HCFM infomercials.

#59 Andres Torres

Coyote

Torres and partner Bengie Molina are a great team in the coyote business.  Torres is fleet of foot and runs ahead of the herd to look for would-be obstacles while on the quest to cross the border. 

 

#14 Fred Lewis

 High School Gym Teacher

Lewis reminisces about his glory days in High School while teaching. 

He tells the students,

“F.Lew is a legendary ball player”.

 

 

God help the children of tomorrow.

Bengie Stimulus Plan and Road Fun

 

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When in a recession, put together a stimulus plan.

Bengie Molina was in some type of recession with the bat.

Last night saw Loose Change turn into Big Money.

I apologize to Big Money Molina.

The day after I asked for him to be replaced in the 4 hole, Bengie Molina returned to Big Money form.  Molina went 3-5 with 2 RBI in Los Gigantes 8-1 victory over the Astros.  His best hit ball of the night actually was an out, a ball driven about 410 feet to center field was caught at the base of that silly hill in Minute Maid Park.

The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez), Freddy Sanchez, Pablito Pandaval, and Bengie Molina led the offensive attack that put together 16 hits. Jonathan Sanchez even got his first hit of the year!

How hot is the Cab Driver?  Velez will not be coming out of the lineup anytime soon.

simmons_lon.jpg

 

I forgot what back to back home runs look and sound like.  Thank you Freddy Sanchez and Pablito Pandaval for jogging my memory. 

 

 

Jon Miller sounded like he forgot back to back home runs could happen.  He channeled Lon Simmons with the call of the Pablo’s back end of the back to back with a “Tell it Good Bye”. Those were the first words out of his mouth.  It was awesome.

 

 

I can’t forget to mention how great it was to see Jonathan Sanchez put together a great start on the road.  He was dirty.  J. Sanchez’s has two alter-egos.  There’s the Dirty (Good) Sanchez and the Ugly ( Bad) Sanchez.  I’m glad we all got the Dirty Sanchez last night.

Thank you to Roy Oswalt’s achy back for Felipe Paulino .  Paulino has great stuff but left too many balls over the plate.

 

cash-for-clunker.jpg

Here’s hoping the Bengie Stimulus Plan does not run out of cash like the “Cash for Clunkers” plan.

.Best wishes to Joe Martinez in today’s game.  I am glad you made it back.

Big Money or Loose Change?

Where have you gone Big Money?

Bengie Molina lived up to his “Big Money” nickname in April.

He had a great line in April of .329/.321/.592 (OPS .913!) with 4 HRs and 18 RBI (the only negative was a  OBP which was lower than his BA.  He had zero walks in April).

Since then…. Big Money has morphed into loose change.

May- .200/.225/.333. (OPS .558) Bengie still had 4 hrs and 14 RBI.

June- .279/.283/.419 (OPS .702) 2 hrs and 13 RBI

July- .247/.268/.351 (OPS .619) 1 HR and 7 RBI

Molina’s RBI total per month: 18, 14, 13, and 7 (one in August).

Ewwww. 

Houston, We have a problem (I apologize for the horrible pun).

 

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Molina has been a great Gigante for the past 3 seasons.  It is no secret he is miscast as a cleanup hitter.  27 RBI in the last 3 full months (since April) is not acceptable.  Los Gigantes do not have many options in the 4-hole, but I expect Bochy will make a change.