Tagged: Barry Zito

A Bad Off Day

SLY

5/10/11

Have you ever had a day which went horrible but then when you look back and it could have been a lot worse?

 

That was my Monday.

 

I woke up on Monday with my eyes a shade of red which would have made Joseph Stalin blush.I arrived to work and tried to have as little contact with other employees and customers as possible. I had no idea what was wrong with my eyes.I thought about using WebMD.com for a self diagnosis but I didn’t feel like reading my obituary.WebMD seems to always come up with a diagnosis which is in need of immediate emergency care.

 

A Doctor’s appointment was made for later in the afternoon.

 

I filled out my new patient paperwork when I arrived at the doctor’s office.I saw a familiar face in the back of the office.

 

SLY: “Is that the Doctor?”

 

Receptionist: “Why yes, it is.”

 

SLY: “Funny, I know him. He is a customer of mine.”

 

Receptionist: “Where do you work?”

 

SLY: “Uh, the Casino.”

 

Dang it, I probably shouldn’t have called out the doctor before he sees me.

 

Doctor: “Whoa!” (As the Doctor entered the patient room)

 

I made sure to give the Doctor his proper respects by referring to him as Dr. (insert last name here), instead of the initials I have known him as for the last two years as a customer.

 

Doctor (insert last name here) had a surprisingly great personality.He was also a huge baseball and Gigantes fan.

 

Maybe that’s why I liked him.

 

Turns out I had some crazy allergies, much better than the diagnosis I would have received on WebMD.It took 27 years, but I finally experienced what so many of my family and friends complain of each year.

 

I now feel your pain in my eyes and wallet.The three prescriptions clocked in at $125.

Why do I pay for health insurance?

 

I arrived home in a bitter mood because of the cash spent on the prescriptions, the allergies, and there was no Gigantes game to look forward to.

 

The bitter mood soon turned to panic.

 

I noticed some water on the street in front of my house.I looked a little closer, it was not “some” water, it was a lot of water. Water was pouring into the street.I then heard an odd sound; it was the sound of water shooting into the air.I looked in horror as I saw what resembled “Old Faithful” in my backyard.

 

Water was shooting about 15 feet in the air.It was impressive.I would have taken time to snap a picture ff it wasn’t for the fact it was destroying the home I owe so much money on.

 

I threw off my suit, grabbed shorts, a shirt, and shoes I knew would be ruined.I ran to the backyard which was now 6-8 inches under water.I found the broken pipe, and was unable to stop Old Faithful.

 

I ran to the front of the house and turned off the main water supply.I looked like I just walked out of a swimming pool as I stood in shock on the sidewalk.

 

As I stood there soaked and dumbfounded, a lady walked past me with her dog.

 

LadyiWantedtoPunch: “Oh, Water.”

 

She then proceeded to lightly jump over the little puddle that was in her path.

 

I wanted to scream and curse her.

 

Look at me, almost grown up and able to deal with others.

 

I naturally called my Home Warranty company to fix my little water problem.

 

Turns out, the Home Warranty company (Fidelity Home Warranty) only covers incidents inside the actual home.

 

Thank you, I will now cancel your service.

 

I was unable to secure a plumber for Monday night.I would have brought out the soap and shampoo when Old Faithful was erupting if I known that would be the case.

 

A plumber arrived on Tuesday morning.I was expecting a hefty bill to fix the pipe.I acted like it was an easy fix to the plumber, and it was.$90 and 10 minutes later, my pipe was repaired.

 

As the plumber left he showed me where I could have shut off the water for only outside.

 

I felt like I belonged on the short bus.

 

I took a shower to wash off the shame of my home owner incompetence before work.

 

All in All the day could have been worse.My eyes could have had an un-curable new strain of pinkeye and my house could have been completely flooded.

 

I’ll take the $215 tab and shame of not knowing how my home functions.

 

I hate off-days.

Johnny Chez Drinking Game and OBL/Obama Photo Theories

 

Please Check Out http://The-Three-Bs.com for all the photos and unedited content. Thanks- Shaun

 

5/5/11

 

Happy Cinco de Drinko!  In honor of the 2nd best drinking holiday of the year, The Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez Drinking Game has been unveiled.

 

I was unable to participate or score the game as I had to work.  A quick look at the box score shows about 8 ½ beers (not including looks from J. Sanchez or Bochy).

 

This game may be just as lethal as the BZDG. 

 

Gigantes fans cannot complain with a 5-5 road trip considering how futile the offense was.  We all envisioned Mike Fontenot penciled (I hope that is Bochy’s writing tool of choice) in the three hole. 

 

The sad part about Fontenot hitting 3rd is that is where he should be hitting at the moment.  Lil man is rocking .892 OPS, which leads all players who are not on the DL named Pablo Sandoval.

 

A Late Acknowledgement

 

I have to give a late acknowledgement to the great Kenstrodaumas on his end of game prediction during Saturday’s Angels/Rays game. 

 

With two outs in the bottom of the 10th inning, Fernando Rodney faced (the recently DFA’d) Felipe Lopez with Matt Joyce on 3rd base.

 

KJ: “Wild Pitch, game over.”

 

Rodney threw a fastball which Hank Conger could not backhand, the ball went to the backstop, and Matt Joyce scored the game winner.

 

KJ: “Told you.”

 

KJ has a knack for these kinds of things, it is scary.  There has to be someway I can exploit this for a monetary gain.

 

Say Cheese OBL!

 

President Obama decided not to release photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse.  I have a couple of theories on why President Obama held the photos back.

 

1.  President Obama wants to show the Right Wingers that he a Capitalist!

 

The President will open a bidding war between the tabloids and other news publications all over the world for the rights to the photos.

 

That would end all the socialist talk.

 

2.  The photos will be released on November 2nd 2012.

 

After all, he is a Politician.  It will help the exit poll numbers.

 

The Daily Bs from http://The-Three-Bs.com

Here are March and April’s Daily Bs from http://The-Three-Bs.com 

4/29/11

 

Breaking News: Sharks love the taste of Wings.

 

The Sharks and Red Wings are set to square off in the Western Conference Semi-Finals tonight inSan Jose.I will be in attendance.I plan on being loud, obnoxious, and somewhat inebriated.

 

I do not change who I am for the playoffs.

 

Playoff Hockey can only be truly appreciated live.It has everything I love about sports: excitement, emotion, and drama.

 

I plan on catching most of Lincecum’s start against the Nationals at the Brit before the puck drops.

 

I have made it a point to watch a few Nationals games since F.P. Santangelo took the color analysis job with the team.

 

Goodness, I feel for the guy.How does F.P. deal with Bob Carpenter on a daily basis without becoming a raging alcoholic?

 

Most baseball fans are familiar with Bob Carpenter as he has done MLB game for ESPN for years.I have always enjoyed his voice and pace on the ESPN broadcasts.

 

My enjoyment of Carp diminishes with each Nationals game I watch.Maybe F.P. and Carp haven’t had enough time to build chemistry with each other.One thing is for sure, there is no natural chemistry between the two.

 

Here are a couple of quick exchanges from Carp and F.P.:

 

Man on 1st base with 1 out (pitcher not up).

 

Carp: “Should he bunt (Sacrifice) here?”

 

F.P.: “No.”

 

For non-stitch heads: No normal thinking baseball brain would sacrifice bunt with one out and a man on first (unless the pitcher was at bat).

 

A pitch thrown an eyelash off the plate called a ball.

 

F.P. “Wayyyy outside.”

 

Carp: “No way, that was really close.”

 

(This instance happens about once a game)

 

Poor Carp doesn’t get F.P.’s sarcasm, which is half of his shtick.

 

Here is my conclusion on Bob Carpenter: Carp has a great voice but rarely says anything of substance.He is the announcer version of a gorgeous dumb chic.Eventually you will see through the beauty and only notice the flaws.

 

The NFL Draft:

 

Patrick Conner (@pcon34) player bios on KNBR were the sole reason I enjoyed Thursday’s first round. They were informative and full of sexual innuendo.Right up my alley.P-Con would fit in nicely with the Three Bs crew.

 

I owe him a few drinks for the laughs.

 

Good bye Michael Scott:

 

LJ and I popped a bottle ofChampagnefor Michael Scott’s last appearance on the office.It was a sad television moment. A tear or two may or may not have been shed on the couch.

 

Michael Scott’s final line on the office was perfect.

 

Michael Scott: “I can’t wait to get this off my chest. (Microphone taken off and then no sound but Michael’s lips mouthed) That’s what she said.”

 

Television will miss you.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

4/28/11

 

The early morning start time made following the game rather difficult today.I had to (Gasp!) fulfill my job responsibilities.I caught about an innings worth of action on television while I followed the rest of the game on ESPN’s GameCast.I have yet to buy my ipad and Slingbox.I need these two items for my future sanity.

 

Congratulations to Ryan Vogelsong who earned his first major league win since 2005.His stat line of 5.2 IN, 2 ER, 4 H, 2 BB, and 8 Ks would have been The Spiritual Southpaw’s best performance of the year.

 

Vogelsong must be on cloud nine.

 

If Vogelsong doesn’t know how to get to cloud nine, I am sure tomorrow’s starter can help him find his way.

 

Los Gigantes went 2-24 with RISP for the three game series.That is not a recipe for winning a series.I will take it, los Gigantes haven’t fared too well in theSteelCityover the past few years.

 

A Three Bs observation:

 

I have talked to KJ and RT about the lineup the past few days.We all feel it is about time to switch Aubrey Huff and Pablo Sandoval in the batting order.I wouldn’t be surprised if the switch happens sooner than later.Pablo looks like an improved more polished 2009 version of himself.He is averaging a career high 3.75 pitches per plate appearance and swinging at a career low 52% of pitches thrown his way.

 

Plate discipline on and off the field has helped the Kung Fu Panda.

 

Goodbye to Michael Scott:

 

Tonight will be Michael Scott’s last scheduled (I guarantee he will be on the series finale) appearance on “The Office”.The show has not been as good the last few seasons, but last week’s “Dundies” episode reminded everyone how great the show used to be, as it was the best episode from the past 3 seasons.

I salute you Michael Scott.I wore a women’s suit at work today in your honor.

 

 

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4/26/11

 

Los Gigantes got swept by the Braves and I still managed to have a great weekend.Is this the first sign of maturity?

 

I hope not.

 

The Top 3 items from the weekend:

 

1. RT got engaged.

 

My longtime best friend asked his girl to marry him.He was on a beach in Hawaii, had a huge rock, and there might have been alcohol involved.How could she say no?

 

Congratulations to RT and Ashley.

 

Love you guys.

 

I was informed that I will be the best man and will need to tackle the challenge of throwing the bachelor party.

 

It is a great honor, I will do my best to re-create “The Hangover”, but I will add baseball references into the dialog.

 

2. My Pops found a new job.

 

My Pops has been out of a job for the last 6 months.He found an employer that recognizes and appreciates what he can bring to the company.I have no doubts he will kick ass.

 

3. I had my first Television interview.

 

It was local, the lights were bright, and I was nervous.I was a little stiff.I should have had a drink or three.I was interviewed about the online gambling sites that were shut down and how it has affected brick and mortar Casinos. I have a good amount of knowledge on the subject but I am not sure how well it translated into the clip they played.I did feel good that most of the information I gave to the reporter was used in the story.

 

I did look damn good.It was Orange Friday.I always wear the Orange Tie on Orange Friday.

 

This was my first TV appearance since RT and I were kicked out of Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.I am definitely telling that story along with The $200 French Fries stories at RT and Ashley’s wedding.

 

Easter Baseball:

 

I attended Los Gigantes and Braves game with my Pops on Easter Sunday.It was a beautiful day at the yard.I met Pops at 21st Amendment to have a holy beer. I got a Double Daddy (Speakeasy Brewery was a guest brew) since it was 9.5% and we were in a rush.

 

Dear Shaun,

 

Do not pound 9.5% beers. Do not pound 9.5% beers.Do not pound 9.5% beers.

 

Thank you,

 

Shaun

 

Pops and I received what appeared to be the last 2 replica World Series trophies at the gate.People were lined up at 8:30am to get the giveaway.They are currently selling for $50+ on ebay.People are sick.

 

I may use Gorilla Glue to glue the base of the trophy on the hood of my car where the BMW logo is.It may add value to my 230k mile car.

 

I did do something at the game I cannot remember doing since I have been able to drive.

 

I left as the game was headed to the 10th inning. The choice was not mine.I had to cover a shift for an employee at work.

 

I know, Sacrilege on Easter Sunday.

 

I ended up 45 minutes late to work.Maybe it was good I didn’t have to see the Miguel Tejada Statue not move for the Nate Mclouth 46-hopper into center field.

 

Miggy looks older than the 48 years of age he is listed in the media guide.

 

Los Gigantes are in Pittsburgh to face a family friend in Clint Hurdle.

 

Clint is one of my favorite people in baseball.I wish him all the success in the steel city, but I hope Los Gigantes put a hurting on the BucOs.I am looking forward to Ryan Vogelsong’s start on Thursday. He is facing the team he was traded to in 2001 from the team he was traded from.Is there such thing as double motivation? That was one of San Francisco’s two trade rapes of the Pirates in the last decade.

 

2001: Pittsburg received Armando Rios and Ryan Vogelsong while San Francisco netted Jason Schmidt and John Vanderwall.

 

2009: Pittsburg received Tim Alderson while San Francisco received Freddy Sanchez.

In both cases, Los Gigantes came up short reaching the playoffs in the year they made the trade but ended up in the World Series the next year.

 

What’s the Moral of the Story?Make a trade with Pittsburg!

 

I wrote Trade Rape and laughed, maturity be damned.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

4/20/11

Yesterday I placed the failed Lincecum no-hit bid squarely on the broad shoulders of Kenneth Jones.He handled the weight well and used his powerful JuJu to help Bay Area sports last night.

 

KJ used his JuJu on Ubaldo in the first inning, capped by another monstrous potato from Pablo Sandoval.Neil Everett of ESPN had one of the better lines I have heard on SportsCenter in a while: “The Panda lost 40 punds but still feasts on sliders.”

 

Yum Yum.

 

Give Pablo the MVP award if he continues his pace .328/.400/.603 with 48 HRs and 148 RBI.

 

…and Pablo just strained his right triceps.That never would have happened last year.Good to know he has muscles to strain now.

 

KJ’s JuJu was also placed on the Los Angeles Kings at the 19:12 mark in the 2nd period.As all Sharks fans know (and most sports fans inAmerica know by now) the Kings held a 4-0 lead, the game seemed all but over.

 

KJ turned to the A’s game (Andersondominated). I was disgusted.I flipped over to the A’s game and caught a little bit of the other late MLB games on the Extra Innings package (Best $$$ I have ever spent.The GF will probably hate me by July).I flipped back to the Sharks game, not because I felt they could come back. I truly thought the game and maybe the season was being flushed down the toilet.I turned back because my friend Nick alerted me he was playing “Shots for Goals.”The name says it all.I was now rooting for goals of any kind, especially once he told me that he was asked to come into work early the next morning.

 

3:08 into the 2nd period, Patty lights the lamp, 4-1 Kings.

 

6:53 into the 2nd period, Clowe puts the biscuit in the basket, 4-2 Kings

 

SLY: “Got a new game here.”

 

KJ: “Wake me when they get within a goal.”

 

13:32 into the 2nd period, Couture puts one in the old onion bag (resorting to soccer scoring references), 4-3 Kings.

 

SLY: “Ummm 4-3.”

 

13:47 into the 2nd period, Evil Ryan Smyth puts one in for the Kings, 5-3.

 

SLY: “Ummm 5-3, efffing Ryan Smyth.”

 

18:35 into the 2nd period, Clowe scores his second goal of the period, 5-4 Kings.

 

SLY: “5-4.”

 

KJ did not return any of these messages.He was concentrating his entire JuJu on the Kings.

 

It worked.

 

19:29 into the 2nd period, The Big Pavelski tied up the game.

 

(How many big time goals does this guy deliver?)

 

KJ: “Boom!!!!!!”

 

What a freaking period, 7 goals and 7 shots for Nick.He is a huge Sharks fan, I am sure the 5 shots from the Sharks went down like velvet.

 

Los Gigantes were playing in Coors Field, the way the goals were being put on the board; I had to wonder if this game was being played there as well.The non-humidor pucks must have been put into play.

 

The Kings brought out the pucks stashed in the humidor for the 3rd period.

 

The pucks from the humidor worked as there was no offense.

 

Overtime Playoff Hockey; try to convince me there is any sport with more drama.

 

3:09 into OT, Setoguchi scores one of the biggest goals in Sharks history.

 

I loved Setoguchi’s celebration; it was very Jonathon Cheechoo like.

 

One of my pet peeves (Not having Heinz ketchup at a restaurant is one.) is when announcers or writers proclaim an event or occurrence is unbelievable.It is one of the most over used phrases in sports.

I will never patronize your establishment if you serve this.

This was one time where I was not upset that Randy Hahn dropped an UNBELIEVABLE!!!

 

It truly was.

 

I imagine the 11th and final shot of the night for Nick went down easier than the first 10.

 

Final Note:

A very Happy 23rd Birthday to Brandon Belt, whose birthday gift from Los Gigantes was a free plane ticket back to Fresno.

 

Someone remind the kid about a guy named Matt Williams.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

4/19/11

 

The Juju That Ruined The No-Hit Bid

 

Tim Lincecum’s no hit bid ended in the 7th inning on a 3-1 fastball that Carlos Gonzalez smacked into right field.Who was the happiest the no-hit bid failed?

 

A gigante Gigantes fan.

 

I am talking about Kenneth Jones, or as he is known on The Three Bs: KJ.

 

KJ was in a classroom 1,240 miles west of Coors Field.He had no access to a television and his ipod cannot pick up an AM radio signal.KJ’s blackberry (MLB.com and my BBMs) was his only source of updates.

(Insert Slingbox Plug here.)

 

BBM Messaging:

 

6:57pm

 

SLY: “The hit column has 0 hits for theRockiesthrough 5.”

 

KJ: “I see said the blind man.”

 

7:08pm

 

SLY: “Six innings complete.”

 

KJ: “FML”

 

(For those of you who do not know 14 year old girl lingo; FML stands for Fuck My Life.)

 

KJ did not want this no-hit bid to go down for a couple of reasons:

 

1.Nobody wants to hear about or watch the highlights of a no-hitter. We (fans) need to watch it live.We want to brag to our friends that we watched the game from the beginning.

 

(I have only watched two no-hitters from 1st to last pitch: 1. Kevin Millwood vs. Los Gigantes and Jonathon Sanchez vs. The Fathers.

 

This is why ESPN will always break programming and go to a no-hitter in progress.

 

2.He missed most of Jonathon Sanchez’s no hitter in 2009.He was at dinner with the lovely KTbug.He loves KTbug, but this had to kill him inside.I know how upset I would be.

 

Note to all girls.If a pitcher from your man or woman’s (politically correct) favorite team is throwing a no-no or perfect game, please allow them to drop whatever they are doing immediately and proceed straight to a television set.

 

If we are not allowed to do this, we will always hold some sort of resentment for the remainder of the relationship.

 

With these two reasons, KJ did not want Big Time to throw the no-no.

 

7:25pm

 

SLY: “You can relax; CarGo just hit a single with one out in the 7th.”

 

KJ: “Thank God.”

 

I believe negative feelings and vibes can manifest itself into something real, and I believe this is what happened with Lincecum’s no-hit bid.

Is it any surprise that KJ owns a Pedro Cerrano jersey?

KJ’s negative juju ruined any chance of Lincecum throwing a no-hitter yesterday.

 

I have to admit, I am impressed but a little scared of KJ at the moment.To change the course of history using only negative thoughts is an impressive feat.

 

KJ should put his powers to use; maybe Matt Kemp can pull a hammy?

 

Just sayin’.

 

Other Notes:

 

Nate Schierholtz’s moon shot yesterday was Bonsian.I haven’t yelled “Oh My God!” since Panda almost went splash in Right-Center at AT&T during Jonathon Sanchez’s no-hitter in 2009.

Nate must be using the flaxseed oil.

(Yes, I was drawling parallels from the 2 games as early as the 3rd inning).

 

Cody Ross will be activated tomorrow.I would send Darren Ford down and wait for Torres to be activated before I demote Belt.

 

I expect Belt will start some games in leftfield inFresno.This will only give Los Gigantes more flexibility when he returns.

 

Belt looked tentative the last 10 or so days.He was missing 3-2 belt high fastballs.That is a sign he is in his own head.He will figure it out.I am rooting for the kid.

 

Ubaldo is on the hill tonight.I hope the rust from the DL is evident.

 

If Ublado looks good after three innings, I will call in KJ’s negative juju.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/14/11

Well, that did not last long.

 

The Bryan Stow Peace Treaty lasted all of two days.It appears the BS Peace Treaty applies only off the field.

 

(As it should)

 

I would like to personally thank Don Mattingly.

 

Thank you, and…

 

By drilling Buster twice it appears Mattingly is trying to ignite the brawl fuse.Does he think it will bond his team together?

 

The PPV Gigantes/Doyers Royal Rumble is a real possibility next month when they meet again.

 

Will DirecTV let me order early?

 

Speaking of ordering, how many Gigantes fans ordered Showtime to watch “The Franchise: A Season with Los Gigantes de San Fransico” last night?

 

I know RT was one of them.

 

RT was alarmed when a Penn & Teller show was shown on the TV Guide time-slot where “The Franchise” was suppose to air.His blood pressure lowered when he saw Boch light up the cigar.

 

Nicotine calms even through the television.

 

If you thought the show felt rushed, you were right.Remember that the show was a preview and was only 30 minutes long.The producers of the show attempted to briefly introduce the audience to the main cogs of the team and a couple feel good stories (Marc Kroon and Brandon Belt).I believe they will gauge the response and try to play off whatever story lines or players test out the highest with the test audiences.

 

I am guessing we will see a whole lot of B-Weeze, Timmy, Skinny Panda, and Buster.

 

What was the best part of the show?

 

1. The off-season workouts of Andy Torres.

 

Torres work-out attire was classic.He did not wear a shirt or shoes.He did sport a massive platinum chain and True Religion denim jeans.

 

Torres workout consisted of running up dirt hills and throwing cinder blocks over his head.

It was like he was the Puerto Rican Rocky.Eye of the Tiger should have been playing as background music as he was on screen.

This is how I imagine Domingo Ayala trained when he successfuly defended his Rookie of the Year award.

“Pop da chain.”

2.The Soulful Southpaw.

Now pitching #75, The Soulful Southpaw

I affectionately refer to Barry Zito as the Singer/Songwriter, I am ditching that handle for the one Showtime bestowed upon him; The Soulful Southpaw.

 

No follow up joke/line needed.

 

RT suggested that we can no longer call The Soulful Southpaw by his given name, only his handle.

 

Done.

 

Today’s off day allows the Sharks to be front and center in Bay Area sports.

 

I love that we (fans) can use the same chant from the last three nights.Playoff matchups create and build rivalries.This could be the birth of Sharks and Kings hatred for each other.The rivalry possibility has all the ingredients; all it will take to become alive is a 6 or 7 game series.

 

Does anyone else have a feeling this is the year the Sharks are going to finally break though and win Lord Stanley’s Cup?

 

Over the past 5 years the Sharks have been the most successful professional team in the Bay Area (The Sabercats and their Arena Bowls excluded). This season has had a different feel than the last few years. They didn’t come out of the chutes on fire as they have the last 3 years. They were horrible the first two months and sat in 13th in the West.

 

The Sharks peaked at the right time and rocketed to finish with the two seed.

 

Kind of reminds me of Los Gigantes and their World Series run.

 

Nothing is better than Playoff Hockey…except Playoff Baseball.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/13/11

 

It was me.I ruined Timmy’s 4th inning.

 

Top 1:

 

BBM CHAT:

 

SLY: “Timmy looks incredible, Superman status.”

 

KJ:“96 MPH, Los Doyers have no chance.”

 

After the 3rd inning, I had a conversation with myself as if I were in a two-man announcing booth.

 

(Yes, these are part of my game watching activities when I am alone.)

 

SLY (Normalvoice): “Timmy looks like he has no-hit stuff.”

 

SLY (Deep announcer voice): “I hope the 49 pitches through three innings does not hurt his chances.”

 

(Full disclosure: I cooked a nice little dinner for myself and may or may not have been drinking.)

 

4th inning: One pitch, one out.

 

SLY (Normal Voice): “That will help the pitch count (glare at partner).

 

SLY (Deep announcer voice): “Thank you Johnny Obvious.”

 

Then it happened.

 

Timmy transformed from Superman to that dude inSeattlewho fancies himself a superhero.Yes, This guy.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend…Pheonix Jones

With the game seemingly hanging in the balance, Timmy revealed his best attribute (besides his freakish talent), his heart.Down 3-0 with men on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out, he managed to escape without any further damage.

 

Is there a superhero whose superhero ability is damage control?

 

Stan Lee says……no.

 

(Probably would not be the best seller at the comic book store.)

 

You know the rest of the game story.

 

It was easily the most satisfying game of the short season.

 

Since I announced the game to myself last night, I have the authority to comment on Kruk and Kuip.

 

Kruk and Kuip were on fire last night.KJ and I openly wondered if they were drinking the happy juice.

We can only hope this is the future of Kruk and Kuip.

Here are a few of their gems:

 

Kruk: “Kemp is Cabbage!”

 

(Kemp was caught stealing in the 2nd inning.What does that (Cabbage) even mean?I never heard that phrase until theSouthPark “JerseyShore” episode.Can somebody please enlighten me?I need to know.)

 

Kuip: “What a bitch’n tie.”

 

(A cameraman panned the crowd and came upon man in his work attire.The tie was flashy; it had silver, green, and purple.I was taken aback by the terminology.Was bitch’n used in the 70s?)

 

Kruk: “This is an absolute strikeout situation.”

 

(Kruk went to this line twice, in the 4th and 6th innings.What’s the problem you may ask?There were runners on the corners with 1 out in both situations.Am I the only one who wants a double play over a strikeout in this situation?)

 

By the way, I love Kruk and Kuip.The guys are quickly becoming classics.They remind me of a television series where as the years go on the characters’ personalities are more defined and then exaggerated.

 

Check out the first season of “The Simpsons”, Homer has lost a few points off his IQ each succeeding season.

Season 1 Season 20

A PPV Mealy:

 

On Monday, Juan BooOo-ribe was a whole lot of happy when he received his World Series ring. On Tuesday, it looked like he was ready to charge the mound after Timmy drilled him with his 115th and final pitch of the night in the 6th inning.

 

It was the second time Timmy has drilled BooOo-ribe this season.The umpire had to get in front of Juan as he shouted, “Das da sesond EFFing ty-mine!”

 

It got me thinking, what if someone charged Timmy on the mound?

 

It might be the biggest brawl in SF Gigantes history, Juan Marichal/John Roseboro included.

I doubt Timmy would get touched.Do you know what the top speed of a lean and mean Panda who knows kung fu is?

 

….I am not sure either, but I have a feeling we would see the Panda’s 7th gear hauling from 3rd base to intercept the would-be mound charger.

 

Panda’s are cute and vicious.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/12/11

 

It all comes out in the wash: gum, coins, bills, anti-diarrhea pills, condoms, and bad defense.Most Gigantes fans were well aware Los Gigantes played out of their heads defensively last postseason.Their shortcomings on defense were not exposed.

 

The wash cycle had ended.Thank God, for the extra long wash cycle!It could have ended in 2010.

 

Can I blame the poor defense on Brandon Belt’s excellence at first base?His bat and glove forced Aubrey Huff to the outfield.Los Gigantes have been exposed far too often in the outfield this year.

 

What happened to the best athlete on the team?

 

The taped body outline of #17 is seared into my brain.

 

Thoughts on Belt:

 

Belt probably has about 2 weeks to figure things out.He does not look comfortable right now.How many 4-3 putouts are we going to see?He has to be close to the record for most 4-3 putouts over a three-game period.I have six on my count (2 Friday, 3 Sunday, and 1 Monday).

 

Here is the BBM conversation with RT and KJ last night during Belt’s last at bat:

 

SLY: “4-3, 4-3, 4-3, 4-3, and 4-3.”

 

At the exact same time…

 

KJ: “How many 4-3’s does BB have now?”

 

RT: “A lot.”

 

If Belt does continue to struggle (Watch him go 4×4 tonight) and is optioned toFresno, there is some good that could come out of the situation.Start Belt in left field atFresno.He is a good enough athlete that he will figure it out.Los Gigantes defense will be largely improved if Belt can become a league average outfield defender.

 

Los Gigantes have Huff for next year as well.He is at the stage of his career where his defense can only decline.

 

Huff is less of a liability at first base.Belt can slide into the everyday 1st base roll in 2013.

 

Of course, this is all predicated on Belt being optioned toFresno.Los Gigantes will not try this experiment in a Major League game.

 

This option could also be readdressed after the season.

 

Since I just wrote this, Belt will go on a 20-42 tear and Huff will look like Roberto Clemente in right field.

 

I will enjoy the taste of crow.

 

Big Time Timmy Jim is on the bump tonight.

 

He looks filthy.

 

I do not believe Timmy has washed all season.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

4/11/11

Los Gigantes won 2 of 3 from the Cardinals.We should all thank Colby Rasmus.

 

I haven’t written a love letter in a while, it is about time.

 

 

Dear Colby,

 

You dashed like a gazelle into left-center field on both Friday and Saturday with your hair lightly bouncing in a way that reminded me of Fabio riding a horse on beach with a slight breeze from the ocean air.I know it was my love that stopped you from retrieving the ball that A-Row hit on Friday and dropping Miggy’s ball on Saturday.

 

You wanted to make me happy, I appreciate that.

 

I will return the favor (No homo).Let me know when and where.

 

I cannot wait to see you in St. Louis.

 

Love,

 

Shaun Lauren Yaple

I am sure that little note makes up for the looks Colby received from LaRussa the past couple of days.

 

The Dodgers come into town tonight. If there is anyone who wants to get even for Brian Stow, please don’t. Sports are for entertainment (Not Sports Entertainment!) and supposed to be fun.

 

Fans who engage in violence need to know who they are and where they’re at.Take a good look in the mirror. You will undoubtedly see a loser.

 

Hate the Franchise, not the people.

 

One Love and Go Gigantes.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/8/11

Los Gigantes will raise their 2010 World Championship banner momentarily.

 

Damn, it feels good to be a world champion.

 

Take it in….

 

Alright, that’s enough.There is a game to play and win.

 

Here’s hoping we get the Dirty Sanchez on this Opening Home game celebration.From what I hear, that exactly what is going on at 3rd and King this morning.My Pops (never one to miss a party) has confirmed the bars were packed by 10AM and the championship liquor was flowing free.

Why do you have Jager and a Bloody Mary? “Cause I like to party.”

I am disappointed I am not celebrating in a drunken baseball stupor with my Pops.

 

One quick baseball tangent:

 

MLB Tonight on the MLB Network spent a solid 10 minutes on Bryce Harper’s professional debut in A-ball.

 

Is it possible to be sick of the dude before I watch him play a big league game?I don’t need Japanese style reports on Bryce Harper’s minor league games.

 

Wake me when he hits his 100th big league home run (2013).

 

Here is a sad fact about Bryce Harper. If he has a career that mirrors Pat Burrell (.840 OPS, 300 HR, and 1,000 RBIs) he will largely be considered a failure.

 

Now if Bryce has half of Pat the Bat’s sex tales, he will be a winner in my eyes.

 

Beer Me:

 

I will be attending the Bay Area Craft Beer Festival tomorrow with KJ, C-Lew, and the Real Dante’ Hicks tomorrow afternoon.

 

It should be a delicious S-Show.

Here is a preview:

I hope to still be awake before first pitch on Saturday night.

4/6/11

 

$$$ Well Spent

 

I paid $210 for the MLB Extra Innings package from DirecTV.I came to the realization that I will spend a whole lot more dinero because of this purchase.

 

Since I paid for the service, I want to get as much use as possible.To me, that means, always having access to the service.

 

Gameplan:

 

1: Purchase Slingbox HD Pro:$ 299.00

2. Purchase ipad 2 (32GB):$ 729.00

______________________Total: $1,029.00

 

I do not want to estimate what I will spend on tickets, food, and booze at live games this year.I am sure the price will be north of what the gadgets cost.

 

I need to stay productive at work to support my MLB addiction.

 

New Year, New Fads!

 

One week into the 2011 MLB season and a couple of fads have caught on:

 

1. Appendectomies are cool!

 

Stomach hurt?Take out your appendix!

 

I was worried when Andy Torres had his appendix taken out last year.He came back and helped Los Gigantes win the World Series.

 

There must be an Appendectomy to World Series winner correlation.

 

Matt Holliday and Adam Dunn will put my hypothesis to the test.

 

(Dunn and the White Sox have a better chance to prove the hypothesis.)

 

 

2. The MLB2K11 advertisements must be grueling on the Oblique muscles.

 

Brian Wilson strained his oblique holding his early 1990s cell phone a little too tight during filming.

 

Evan Longoria swung too hard trying to impress the young intern on the set.His digital self did hit some monster bombs.

 

He impressed the young intern.

 

Roy Halladay may be the next to fall.

 

I think the 2K series may have a curse forming.In 2010, Nelson Cruz, Kendry(s) Moralas, and Andrew Bailey were all featured in the 2K commercials.

 

All missed significant time in 2010.

 

Good to see the Madden Curse has found an heir-apparent.

 

Hoot and Holler:

 

Give me a second to blow off some steam…

 

Another 3:35 PM start time for Los Gigantes and the Fathers?I hate Twilight start times.I hate the word Twilight.I hate the Movie series about the super-EMO, non-attractive, and whiney beezy.

 

I hate that I have used the word “hate” five times in the past four sentences.

 

4 of Los Gigantes first 6 games have had Twilight start times.

 

Yes, I hate that.If you do not know why I hate Twilight start times, please read yesterday’s (4/5) Daily Bs.

 

The good news?

 

Lincecum will shove and Los Gigantes will win.

 

If not, Buster may need an Appendectomy to jumpstart the season.

I hope it doesn’t come to that.

4/5/11

 

Los Gigantes and The Fathers have a 3:30 PM start time.

 

Padres’ management must love shadows.

 

What are shadows good for?

 

1. Viewing a Day Eclipse.

2. Allows the Groundhog make his only contribution to society.

 

3. Entertainment for kids at sleepovers (Animal hand shadows).

 

4. Good for funny sex scenes in movies (camping tents).

 

5. Baseball Pitching Staffs (Exclude Barry Zito from Sunday).

 

 

What are Shadows not good for?

 

1. Aubrey Huff in the outfield.

 

2. Offense in Baseball games.

 

3. Viewing a Baseball game on TV.

 

4.Announcers of Baseball Games.

 

5.BASEBALL.

 

The Padres are smart little devils.Who gets the ball for the Padres this afternoon?

That would be Aaron Haran, who sports a 4.72ERA and a WHIP of 1.45 over the past three years.

 

Little known fact: Shadows and Aaron Harang are BFFs.

 

The Padres have successfully closed the gap of talent between themselves and Los Gigantes with a natural resource: Shadows.

 

If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

_____________________________________________________________________

4/4/11

Top Quotes of the weekend from Dodger fans and our reactions.

 

1. Many Dodgers Fans: “The Giants Suck!”

 

2010, 2010, and 2010.

 

2. One confused baseball fan “The Orioles Suck!”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

3. Dodgers fan who may have a few cameos on Gangland: “I want to kill some Giants fans.”

…All quiet on The Three Bs front.KJ did not even have to prompt me on that one.

 

 

4. A Woman who tried to block entry to our section: “Give me your Snuggie.”

 

I hate the Dodgers but love capitalism.It will be on ebay.

 

5. A Dodgers fan after I told him his World Series Trophy is old enough to buy him an alcoholic beverage: “Is that the last time we won?”

 

Yeah, that would be 1988.

6. Douche-bag Dodgers fan behind us when KJ and Ipartook in deuces (2 balls, 2 strikes, and 2 outs) in the 8th inning of Sunday’s contest: “Is that a cocaine reference?

Yes, it is a cocaine reference.

 

7. Same Douche bag as #6 when he made fun of Japan and even I thought it was off-colored: “That’s what we do in L.A. we make fun of everything.”

 

Because of Douche bag?

 

8. Dodger fan and fellow amateur writer Andrei Ojeda: “Which one of you is the blogger?”

 

I was kind of shocked to be somewhat recognized.Good stuff.

 

9.Same Douche Bag as 6 and 7: “You blog, oh goodness.”

 

SLY:“Hey, If Jonathon Broxton was a fruit, what would he be?”

 

So-Cal DB: “I dunno bro, what?”

SLY: “A Pear.”

 

So-Cal DB: “Whaaa?”

 

SLY: “Because they look the same.”

 

So-Cal DB: “Aww man, you’re kind of funny.”

 

Thank you for fitting into your XS shirt.

10: Dodger-Talk Radio Host after the game: “I don’t get the last reference.”

 

I called in to Dodger-Talk on 790AM on the way out of Dodger Stadium and gave them three things Jonathon Broxton can do to ensure a successful season.

 

1: Grow a beard, dye it black.

 

2: P90X.

 

3. Go on George Lopez.

Peace out Los Angeles.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/1/11

Ten thoughts on Opening Day:

1.The 2011 version of the Brewers are Harvey’s Wall Bangers 2.0.Too bad the Brewers have to use the bullpen.

 

2.There is magic in Dusty’s wristbands and toothpicks.

 

3. John Sterling is as annoying as ever.“Teixeria sends a Tex message to right field. Yes, You’re right on the mark, Teixeria.”

 

 

4.The Cardinals will be able to afford Albert Pujols if he stays on pace to hit into 486 double plays.

 

5. Jayson Heyward is the next Kaz Matsui.

 

6. Bud Black owns a magic wand.

 

7. Maybe I can predict the future.Clayton Kershaw, wow.

 

8. I may not return alive from Los Angeles this weekend. A few knuckleheads don’t get it.Enjoy the game more, brothers.

 

9. Re-read BoooOOoo-Rrrriiiiibbbbbbbbeeee. He is officially fair game.

 

10.I love Baseball.

 

3/31/11

A start of a new season brings a start of a new feature to The Three Bs.The Daily Bs will be short, sweet, and updated daily.Enjoy!

My thoughts on Barry Zito’s car accident:

 

Please Jesus, let Barry Zito make his scheduled start on Sunday.I wouldn’t want the season debut of “The Barry Zito Drinking Game” to be delayed.

 

Opening Day is my Christmas.I am sure many people around the country feel the same.I will not be productive at work as I constantly check box scores, twitter updates, and follow each of my fantasy player’s at bats.

Welcome back Baseball, How I have missed you.

 

Play Ball!

Even Money on Schizophrenia Diagnosis

 

I do not handle losses well. 

 

 

 

kidtantrum2.jpg

 

I sulk, complain, and generally act like a 4 year old child who lost his teddy bear.

 

I especially do not handle tough losses well.

 

The game was on television while I was at work when CarGo scored from first on what seemed to be a single off the bat of Tulowitzki to end the game.

 

I turned off the televisions and stormed outside.

 

Co-workers took notice of my mood.

 

Co-Worker #1: “Why are you mad?  It is just a game.”

 

Co-Worker #2: “Are you going to be in a bad mood all night?”

 

I stared at them until they felt uncomfortable.

 

I couldn’t feel any further removed from the euphoria I felt the day before.

 

None of the televisions were allowed to show the lowlights from the game.  The televisions were tuned to channels where I was assured not see a single MLB highlight.

 

I have seen the eXtenze infomercial with Jimmy Johnson seven times. 

 

JimmysJohnson.jpg

“Go long with eXtenze, I do.” Thanks Jimmy, but I’ll pass.

 

I realize I have issues.

 

I call even money on a schizophrenia diagnosis if I see a psychiatrist from the months of April-October.

 

A few short notes:

 

Goodbye historical pitching run.  Way to go out in style.

 

6 of the 9 Gigantes runs came way of the long ball.  This trend continues.

 

J Welcome back Andy J   

 

KJ and I talked before the game about the humidor and the effects of los Gigantes complaint filed with MLB will have on the rest of the series.

 

SLY: “They (Rockies) are going to go all out with the non-humidor’d balls.  Effing Slugfest”

 

KJ: “Feast.”

 

 

…19 runs and 32 hits later. The Coors Field of my youth. 

 

Feast it was.

 

Fred Sanchee does not go Opp-O Bomb. 

 

Cody Ross hit a high fly ball that carried out for a three-run jack (I loved the dude who caught the Ross bomb. He had a strap-back Rockies hat with his pony-tail through the hole in the hat, so money).

 

 

 

ponytail guy.jpg

Atta Babe.

 

Matt Cain can get me back to my euphoric state with a win tomorrow…errrr today, first pitch is in less than 9 hours.

 

I need to find my Teddy.

 


giants teddy bear.jpg 


 

Making Erik Everhard Proud and NFL Realignment Dreams

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It took six days but the roommate is gone.  Los Gigantes now sit alone atop the NL West.  It is 2:30AM and I am still wide awake at
work and in quite a good mood.  My heightened
alertness can be the attributed to the quadruple espresso I finished at 1:00AM.  My euphoric mood is from stomping the Dodgers
to get to grab a hold of first place.

 

What a fun and satisfying win.  Aubrey and Buster went b2b, Garrrrr
(Renteria) had 4 knocks, Guiilen went 3×3 with a bomb, and the Dodgers were treated
to a Dirty Sanchez that would make even the great Erik Everhard proud. 

dirty_sanchez.jpg

#57 was dirtier than this.

Atta babe Sanchee.  True to form, you never know what you are
going to get with #57.  Last turn out,
Sanchez walked 7 in five innings but held down the Fathers.  I stated he was wildly effectively wild.  Tonight he pounded, pounded, and pounded the
zone some more.  Sanchez finished the
night 7in 4h 1r 0bb and a career high 12ks. 
It was only the 13th time in Los Gigantes history a pitcher
has had 0BBs and 12Ks.

 

Before the season KJ and I discussed how many victories Los
Gigantes needed from their starters to make the playoffs.  We decided on 60.  Los Gigantes are at 53.  They will need to get to 60 to get in. 

 

KJ and I are smart.

 

If Los Gigantes make the playoffs, Sanchez is getting a
start in the NLDS.  The $126 million
dollar man will be a reliable long man. Well, I hope Mr. Zito is cast into that
roll.  I hope Bruce Bochy doesn’t have
any “Seattle Spirit” with Zito and his experience in the post-season.  I was in Seattle this past weekend and learned what the
“Seattle Spirit” is all about.  This is
the definition, as defined by a tour guide with a Masters in History from Western Washington
University, “Seattle Spirit is when a person has an idea,
even if it is a bad idea, and continues with the idea until the idea is either
finished or until it becomes a good idea.”

 

I had two epiphanies.

 

I must have been born in Seattle, because most of my actions and
thoughts epitomize Seattle Spirit.

 

I finally understand how the WNBA came to be. 

 

The Seattle Storm won the WNBA Championship tonight.  Somehow, it feels right.  I am sure the 2010 WNBA Championship trophy
makes up for missing out watching Kevin Durant over the next decade.

 

I will write about my Seattle
adventure over the weekend.  The trip
involved plenty of Seattle Spirit. 

 

…but on the way to Seattle,
something amazing happened.

 

KJ, LJ, and I were on the road to the Airport at 3:00AM.  We were all on 3 hours of sleep or less.  The radio was the only thing audible.

 

At 3:45 amidst the silence, KJ gets up, clears his throat,
and has something to say.

 

KJ: “Holy Cheese (edit), I got a great idea.”

SLY: “Yeah?”

KJ: “I’m going to realign the NFL.”

SLY: “It has already been done.”

KJ: “Not like this.  I
want o realign the NFL by grouping the mascots.”

 

I smiled and turned around. 
This sounded like a great way to kill some time at the airport.

 

We started grouping the teams into new divisions.

 

We met up with some non-sports fans friends (Law Students)
and posed asked them for their advice about the subject over a many adult
beverages.

 

“We have 32 people/places/things and want to make 6-8 groups/divisons
with 4-6 in each group/division where the people/places/things all have some
common thread.”

 

We had a pen and paper.  The law students gave good insights and
perspective.  After much debate, here is
our NFL realignment:

 

 

 Bird
Division                                                     

·Cardinals

·Falcons

·Eagles

·Ravens

·Seahawks

A Solid division with a couple of solid
super bowl contenders.

Predator Division

·Bears

·Panthers

·Jaguars

·Lions

·Bengals

Uhhh, this reminds me of the NFC West.  Bengals win the division with 9 wins!

Hooved Division

·Bills

·Broncos

·Colts

·Rams

Colts win this division every year until
Peyton Manning can no longer breathe.


Wild West Division

·49ers

·Cowboys

·Redskins

·Chiefs

I am happy the 49ers and Cowboys would play
every year.  We could also call this the
Over-Rated division.

Hometown Heroes Division 1

·Titans (Formerly
Oilers, makes more sense then)

·Steelers

·Texans

·Patriots

·Jets

The AL EAST of the NFL. All
5 teams are playoff contenders.

 

Hometown Heroes Division 2

·Giants

· Saints

·Chargers

·Packers

·Browns
(Paul
Brown
)

 Drew
Brees would get to go all “Brett Favrey” on the Bolts twice a year.  Fun.

 

Rape and Pillage Division

·Raiders

·Vikings

·Buccaneers

·Dolphins
(They are defenseless sea mammals.)  

Have you ever seen a
Dolphin rape and pillage a pirate?  You
would in this division.

 

 

The traveling secretaries would all get a massive
raise.  It would be well deserved.

 

We must do this with MLB.

 

I am starting at work now.

 

MadBum on the bump tomorrow night. 

 

oh Bernie!.jpg

Remember me Bernie?

 

Bring on the Ceverceros.

Time Theft

I have had to work nights the last few months. The hours are now causing problems.  Most Gigantes home games start an hour after I start work.  It is fair to say I am useless from first to last pitch.  I learned from “The Office” this is known as Time Theft. 

 


time theft.jpg 

I am a ninja when it comes to Time Theft.

 

In fact, I am ignoring many of my job responsibilities as I write this. 

 

Here are some comments and questions I have received from customers since the baseball season started:

 

“You look horrible. What happened?” (Baseball started, I couldn’t sleep.)

 

“Shaun, do you work here?” (No, I always put on a suit.)

 

“Ohh, Los Gigantes are on, Shaun is useless.” (That’s about right.)

 

“Do you get paid to watch television?” (As long as Los Gigantes game is on.)

 

“Shaun…Shaun….Shaun!!!!!!” (I wasn’t paying attention)

 

“Shaun will be with you when the game is over.” (Thank you for your understanding… Mangement.)

 

“I am sorry I am taking you away from your game.”  (I usually enjoy sarcasm.)

 

“Why do you look so nervous?” (Zito was pitching with a lead. I am not sure how to react yet.)

 

Barry Zito Drinking Game Results for 4/12/2010

 


Barry Zito and Goose.jpg 

***Side Note***

 An amendment had to be made to the BZDG.  After Barry’s first start when he shut down the Astros, it has been determined that a 1-2-3 inning constitutes the consumption of one full beer/adult beverage.

 

One gulp for:

Walk-3

Single-4

Any pick-off attempt-2

Any time Zito adjusts his cap and runs his hand through his dreamy hair –3

Two gulps for:

Double- 1

Stolen Base allowed-1

Three gulps for:

Triple-

One complete beverage for:

1-2-3 Inning – 3

Home Run –

Run-3

Any time “former Cy Young award winner” is mentioned-

Any time “P90X” is mentioned-

Three straight pick overs to 1st base-

Balk-1   

Zito striking out an opposing player with a fastball .-

If Zito reaches base, any way possible.-

 

For every inning after the 5th that Zito starts, a celebratory beverage must be consumed.-2

 

(8 gulps = one beer)

 

Inning by Inning breakdown:

1st1 Beer, 7 gulps (BB, 1B, SB, Balk, 3 Hair Adjustments)

2nd – 1 Beer, 4 gulps (BB, 1B, R, 2 Pickoff Attempts)

3rd – 1 Beer (1-2-3 Inning)

4th  – 1 Beer (1-2-3 Inning)

5th – 1 Beer, 3 gulps (1B, 2B, R)

6th – 2 Beers (1-2-3 Inning, 6th inning started)

7th – 2 Beer, 2 gulps (BB, 1B, 7th inning started, R)

8th – X

9th – X

Total: 11 full beers

Thanks to KJ for keeping the scorebook tonight.

The BZDG was very successful.  Los Gigantes won and 11 full beers were consumed in a two hour time frame.  This almost qualifies as “Tucker Max Drunk.”  I hope everyone who participated had a sober ride home. 


_drunk-guy.jpg 

Los Gigantes put up NINE more runs tonight. 

The past couple of years I have grown accustomed to many oval and straight looking numbers on the scoreboard.  

I forgot what those crooked numbers look like.


crooked numbers.jpg 

My memory is starting to come back.

I have a few nice things to say to the Pittsburg Pirates franchise.

Dear Pittsburg Pirates franchise,

Oh, how I love you.  Thank you for grooming Barry Lamar.  Thank you for the Jason Schmidt/John Vanderwall for Ryan Vogelsong/Armando Rios trade.  Thank you for taking the corpse of Matt Morris (and his entire remaining contract) for Rajai Davis (who knew he would be so good?).  I am not sure if I can thank you yet for Freddy Sanchez.  I hope for your sake that Tim Alderson ends up being a solid big leaguer.  Here’s the deal, as Gigantes fans, we are used to Brian Sabean getting trade raped (save Julian Tavarez trade where Jeff Kent was the throw in).  You seem to be the ying to Sabean’s yang.  As bad as most of Sabean’s trades have been, when it comes to making deals with you, he always seems to steal gold (pardon the pun).

All my love,

Shaun

P.S. Your ballpark looks beautiful.

 

I only have one more day of work this week which will coincide with a Gigantes game.  I hope my boss does not document time theft. 

 

guilty as charged.jpg

Guilty if charged.

 

“Hey, Easy Rambo.”

April 5th, 2010 was my personal Christmas, as I expect it was for many Americans.  I didn’t sleep on Sunday night.  Really I didn’t sleep.  It doesn’t matter I was at work until 4:00AM.  I fell asleep around 6:30AM only to have my alarm go off at 9:45AM.  EFFFF sleep, there were multiple games to watch.  I digested the Cards/Reds (Pujols is a machine, he is not human.  He needs to be checked for a pulse), White Sox/Tribe (Buehrle anyone???), and Braves/Cubbies (Heyward looks like LeBron in a baseball uniform).

It was time. Gigantes vs. Houston.  I had a thought I have not had in couple years when the lineups were posted on the TV screen.  Los Gigantes lineup is better than the opponent.  Without Lance Berkman, the Astros lineup was gross.  It was evident Houston was going to have a problem scoring runs.

The Astros scored six runs in the series.

Lincecum shoved.  Zito shoved. Cain shoved. 

brooms.jpg

I love brooms.

I have one tangent.  Does Hunter Pence annoy anyone else?  Nothing he does looks natural. He throws and runs goofy.  He hits with his so head so sideways it is almost on his right shoulder.  He reminds me of a 45 year old rookie softball player who puts “hustle” on the back of his #14 jersey.  Pence went 0 for the series, it was satisfying. 

I was unable to attend the home opener as I am purchasing a home and will no longer have every extra cent to spend on Gigantes baseball.  Yes, responsibility sucks.  

fat broke.jpg

I celebrated the home opener on the cheap.  KJ and I had an opening day feast.  KJ fired up the grill and I made beermosas.  Perfect.

My Dad and friend (Brad) were in not only in attendance, but they were part of the on field “pomp and pageantry” (Greg Papa said this phrase about 10 times in a 30 minute pre-game show).  Brad and my Dad got to hold the huge American flag on the field during the national anthem.  They had to show up at 8:00AM for practice.  This gave them a 4 hour gap to marinade, and they did. 

Panda Pops.jpg

My Dad was wearing a Panda hat and was consuming copious amounts of Jager.  He was interviewed by multiple television crews.  He made the cut in at least one.  He was hilarious.  I will try to post his video on YouTube and put a link up. 

Los Gigantes are now selling Timmy wigs.  I should be compensated. 

Renteria’s game tying jack in the bottom of the 9th off Wagner gave me a flashback to the “I think something good happened” moment.  Renteria has been unbelievable thus far, contract year???

Los Gigantes were 4-0, on pace for 162-0.  I think that would be a record.

I attended the Saturday night game.

SLY’s 2010 Gigantes record: 0-1

I may be a jinx this year.  This was confirmed when I met a man whose blood alcohol level was high enough to the point that I am certain he could not have operated a “Power Wheels” children vehicle from the early 90s. 

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Here is our short conversation:

Power Wheels: “Let me be real.”

SLY: “Be real.”

Power Wheels: “I am 10-0 in my lifetime coming to Gigantes games.  I’ve been coming to games since Will “The Thrill” played here.”

Will Clark never played a game at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park. 

I put my hands on my knees and started to laugh.

Power Wheels: “Hey, Easy Rambo!”

KJ grabbed me and we quickly left the angry drunk man.

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My empirical evidence shows that drunk luck is one the strongest sources of luck in the world. I work in a casino.  I know about drunk luck.  My jinx was strong enough to break a drunken man’s 10-0 record.  I am sure he was hammered at every one of the Gigantes games he attended. 

I will not attend a Gigantes game until they lose without my presence.

I did not attend the rain-delayed game on Sunday.

Los Gigantes won.

Timmy was awesome minus one mistake which McCann hit a mile.

I will not mind if I do not attend another game this season.

161-1. 

Bring on the Buc-Os.

Barry Zito is on the hill.

Barry Zito and Goose.jpg

Get your favorite adult beverage and participate in the Barry Zito Drinking Game.

I will post the results of the game tomorrow.

 

The $200 French Fries

Saturday, March 27, 2010

7:30 A.M.

BANG!  BANG!  BANG!

“Scottsdale PD, OPEN THE DOOR!”

RT:  “B.S.”

I dragged myself out of bed and made my way to the door.

SLY: “Not B.S.”

RT: “Fuhhhhhhhk.”

How did it come to this?

French fries were involved 

Apparently, there are rules in Arizona.


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This seems fitting for Arizona.

The annual pilgrimage to Spring Training started with a 4:00am wake-up call on Thursday, the 25th. We (RT and I) had the first flight out of San Jose to Phoenix at 6:30A.M.  We were past security by 5:20 A.M.

We tried to order beers with breakfast.

I hate stupid California laws (alcohol cannot be purchased until 6:00 A.M.).

After the beer-less breakfast we bought a couple Red Bulls for the flight. 

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. 

Thanks for that Moto Skipper.  I live by it.

Our flight was airborne on time, we were ready to get the vacation started.

SLY: “Four vodkas please.”

Male Flight Attendant: “Are you two with that group?”

“That group” was a few rowdy Gigantes fans sitting three rows in front of us who were also in the vacation spirit.

RT and I pulled out our Red Bulls. 

Our airline neighbor: “You two are prepared.”

SLY: “Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.”

KJ picked us up from the airport.  We went back to KJ’s hotel as it was far too early for us to check into ours.

We had three hours to kill before heading to the first game of the day (M’s and Indians in Goodyear, AZ).

We did what we always do for pre-gaming before a day game.  We drank beermosas (Blue moon and OJ).  We drink beermossas because they are delicious and are healthier than drinking a plain beer. 


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I love beermosas they’re sooo delicious, soooo delicious!

Our Group (SLY, RT, KJ, Kate, KTbug) made our way to Goodyear, AZ.  We observed many people performing actions that are illegal in California but aparently are acceptable in Arizona.  We decided to list them.

1.) Talking on a cell phone without a hands free device while driving! 

2.) Motorcycle riders without helmets.

3.) People riding in the bed of pick-up trucks.

4.) No seatbelts.

This was a fun game.  I was sure we would add a few more as this trip went on.

We agreed the laws in Arizona are more like guidelines.  I figured all these laws are enforced like chewing tobacco (disgusting) in college baseball; it is illegal, but tolerated.

Once we got to the parking lot we met up with KJ’s uncle, Jim Jones (Not the leader of The People’s Temple!!) and Friend (Tim). 

 

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Uncle Jim and I share the same favorite hour of the day, happy hour. 

Uncle Jim and Tim were awesome.  Both are baseball lunatics and Uncle Jim is also an author.  I recommend checking out Jim’s website (www.ballparksacrossamerica.com).  I decided it would be my duty to ensure Uncle Jim (Tim declined the beer service) was never beer-less.

While pre-gaming (drinking) in the parking lot we were able to add a couple more laws in California which were not enforced in Arizona to our list.

There were no Port-O-Lets in the parking lot.  I had to relieve myself between a couple cars.

5.  Public urination.  A U.I.P. (urinating in public) cost RT $167.50 in California. 


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I swear I did not go on a car. I respect other’s property.

A police officer came up to us in the parking lot.  Kate is only 18, and she was pre-gaming.

Uncle Jim: “Oh S#*t.”

We were about to be carded.  I don’t know what the penalty is for underage drinking in Arizona.  More importantly, I do not know what the penalty is for supplying an underage person with alcohol.  I was about to have my veil of ignorance removed.

The Officer looked at RT and said “Can you place that bottle of beer into a plastic cup.  We don’t want to have glass in the parking lot.  Cans are fine.”

RT: “No problem.”

Police Officer: “Thanks guys, have a good day.”

The police officer left.  We all let out a collective sigh.

Uncle Jim: “We dodged a bullet there.”

There are no laws in Arizona! 

 

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Add underage drinking to the list!

6.) Underage drinking.


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We had great seats (about 10 rows behind home plate) and King Felix was on the bump.  I kept my duty to Uncle Jim through the bottom of the 7th inning.  We talked baseball and fantasy baseball for the entire game.  The conversation was the main attraction and the game was pleasant secondary entertainment. 

I cannot remember who won the game.   I just remember it was a blast.

KJ drove us over to our hotel in Scottsdale to check in and for all of us to get a much needed nap before the second game (Gigantes vs. Athletics).  Our hotel (Papago Inn) was straight out of the late 70s.  I love shag carpet.  Whatever, it was close to Scottsdale Stadium.  It would serve our purpose.

I was able to catch a few ZZZs, even if I wasn’t on the bed.


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As I remember, this was more comfortable than it looked.

We (RT, KJ, and I) knew we were going to dress up for this game.  KJ, RT, and I were all rocking our Gigantes jerseys.  It was a repeat of Halloween (minus the baseball pants).  I was Lincecum (complete with wig), RT was Zito, and KJ was Cain. 

We should have parked in the player’s parking lot.

 

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We were popular at the yard.

The big three ended up taking a lot of pictures with other Gigantes fans.  KJ and I were told repeatedly that we look like our counterparts.  KJ does look like Cain.  I do not look like Lincecum.  I am much better looking.

One Gigantes fan asked how we picked which Gigante we would be.  RT gave him an answer.   I cut him off when it came to me.

RT: “I am Zito because I make the most money.  KJ is Cain because he is the biggest.  SLY is Lincecum because…”

SLY: “I have the most talent (BTW, not true).”

The game was sold out.  We had to hang out on the burm (in the grassy area beyond the outfield wall).  The burm was packed, it was impossible to get a good seat.  It was hard to follow the game as we were so far away.   I ended up making lots of new friends out in the burm, mainly due to my Timmy wig.   

KJ,  KTbug, and Kate left early as the day drinking and sun wiped them out.  RT and I were still going strong, even though we were showing some wear and tear.  My eyes were completely bloodshot and RT’s eyes were half closed. 

 

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Too much sun and booze will do this to you.

The “Idiot Tax” should have been applied to RT and I.

Los Gigantes won the game.  I have to be completely honest.  This was the least amount of baseball I have watched at a baseball game.  I had to look the score up the next day.  Yeah, it was that bad.

RT and I went to Dos Gringos (Bar, surprised?) after the game.  The name was fitting (KJ was gone, it was down to RT and I), in San Jose there is a bar named Tres Gringos  (we are usually the only gringos there) which we used to patronize often in college.

Dos Gringos was selling $.50 Coronas, which led to one more unenforced law to add to our list.   

7.) Public intoxication

We stayed until 1:00 A.M. 

Long day… We did not have trouble falling asleep.

 

Friday, March 26th 2010

RT and I (KJ and crew had other plans) made our way to the ballpark around noon for Gigantes/Angels.  We didn’t have tickets, the game was sold out, and Lincecum was going to pitch.  Tickets were going to be expensive.  We had to find a scalper. 

I have rules for purchasing tickets from scalpers.

 

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1.) The scalper must appear over the age of 35. 

2.) He (I have never seen a woman scalper) must look ragged or worn.

3.) Preferably not Caucasian.  I’ve had negative experiences with Caucasian scalpers.

4.) Buy the tickets one or two blocks from the stadium.

5.) Don’t let KJ negotiate, in this case, RT.

I found a scalper who met most of the criteria.  There was not much negotiating.  We paid $100 for our two seats (12 rows back, just left of home plate).  RT and I graduated college (Get up, show up, and keep up) and understand supply and demand. 

We were competing with many fans for seats.  We don’t like to lose. 

RT and I went through the gates and we got breakfast, a hot dog and beer. 

I took one sip of beer and immediately realized my body did not recover during my slumber.

SLY: “Dude, I feel re-drunk after one sip.”

RT:  “I was thinking the exact same thing.”

That ended up being our only beer of the game.  We needed a break, and wanted to follow the game.

We read that Kevin Frandsen got shipped off to Beantown for a player-to-be-named and/or cash considerations.  My SJSU connection to Los Gigantes is now gone.  We alerted a few fans who were talking about Frandsen.  I guess not everyone checks www.mlbtraderumors.com for updates every 15 minutes.

Lincecum looked like himself minus his exceptional control.  He had 5ks in 4 innings.  His change piece was in mid-season form.  Tim made Godzilla (Matsui) look like a little challenger (Mentaly Challenged) player, twice.  He was also stealing strikes with his hook (Lincecum stealing strikes is a scary thought).

Andres Torres was the best player in the starting lineup for Los Gigantes.  I hope this guy gets at-bats against lefties this year.  He was a monster right handed (He’s a swtich hitter) in limited at bats last year with a line of .338/.397/.718.  Nobody expects Torres to match that slugging percentage, but his speed makes positive plays happen.  I also love his all-out hustle, he is fun to watch.

We got to see Buster Posey get a big at-bat in the bottom of the 8th.  Buster hit a ground rule double to right center, it was impressive.  If the kid doesn’t go north with the big club, he will be there shortly. 

Steve Holm had the game winning hit.  Los Gigantes beat the halos 5-3. 

This win made up for 2002.

RT and I headed back to our hotel for some NCAA tourney viewing and rest.  We got plenty of both.  We woke up around 10:00 P.M. and headed to a bar.

RT and I had a great time in Old Scottsdale.  We made many new friends. 

People from the mid-west are quite possibly the nicest people in the world. 

We drank $3 Red Bull Vodkas, yes we drank too much.  We got a cab after the bars closed and headed towards our hotel. 

Then it happened.

We saw the golden arches.  They looked marvelous in our drunken minds.  RT and I were on the same drunken wave length.  We made the cabbie go through the drive-through.

 

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Drunk food at 2:45 A.M. always sounds like a great idea.  This was anything but.

We devoured our food when we got back to the room.  All I had left was the fries.  I was just about done when I decided it was good idea to finish them on the balcony outside our room.  I had about three fries left when I decided I no longer wanted to put anymore of the fried slices of potatoes in my body.  I was done with them.  I threw the remaining fries over the balcony and walked back inside to get ready for bed.

Two minutes later, as I was brushing my teeth there was loud pounding on our door.  This was not a friendly knock.  I glanced through the peep hole.

SLY: “There’s a guy out there, he looks pissed.”

RT:  “What did you do?”

SLY: “I threw a few fries over the balcony.”

I immediately turned off all the lights (So the man would think we weren’t there.  It made sense to my drunken brain.).  We jumped in our beds hiding from the angry man just outside the door.  He pounded on the door for another 20 minutes before giving up.

Our hotel phone rang.  It continued to ring.  We were not going to answer the phone.

RT’s cell phone, he answered.  

Drunks are not smart.

It was the Hotel Manager (the man who pounded on our door).  He asked if we were in our room.  RT did what we learned in college. 

Deny, deny, deny, and deny some more.

RT told the Angry Hotel Manager t that we were in Tempe trying to make our way back from a bar.  We thought he bought it.  We passed out.  It was 3:30 A.M.

7:30 A.M.

BANG!  BANG!  BANG!

“Scottsdale PD, OPEN THE DOOR!”

RT:  “B.S.”

I dragged myself out of bed and made my way to the door.

SLY: “Not B.S.”

RT: “Fuhhhhhhhk.”

I opened the door and was greeted by three officers.  Two male and one fe-MALE (she wanted to be a dude).

 

cops in hotel.jpg

Bad Boy, Bad boys, Watcha gonna do when they come for you?

Scottsdale’s finest told RT and I to both come out and take a seat.  We were both wearing our boxers.  It was like an episode of cops, except we weren’t 50 pounds over or under weight and we weren’t on meth.  We were still rather intoxicated.

I have seen the “Locked up” show on TV.  I would never last or enjoy being in jail.  I am not like Oscar from “The Office”.

 

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You know, because of gay?

The Angry Hotel Manager started to yell mean things at us. Some of his statements were true, others were not. He told the officers there were three culprits (It was only RT and I).  The officers then took over and began to question us.  We both stated that we were in Tempe until 4 A.M. 

I knew we were not in real “trouble” with the law.  I mean, there are no laws in Arizona!  The officers alerted us that the Hotel Manager was hit in the head by French Fries.  He was evicting us from the hotel.  He does have the right to refuse service.  We had to get our belongings and leave the property. 

My only question (besides why did I throw the fries?); what was the Hotel Manager doing walking around the courtyard at 3:30 A.M.?

The Officers were cool about the whole situation.  They were joking with us as they escorted us out and gave us tips on what hotels to check out.  I turned to RT and said:

SLY: “Apparently, there are rules in Arizona.”

RT: “Apparently.”

Finding a new hotel wasn’t a problem.  RT was on his blackberry and booked us a hotel on the same street before we were out of the lobby.  We got in the cab and gave the address to the driver. 

The driver drove and continued to drive down Scottsdale Ave.  The street never ended.  The new hotel was 8 miles down the road.  It was a $20 cab ride.

RT: “Maybe I should have google mapped it.”

I was in no place to be upset.  It was my fault we were in this stupid situation.

We arrived at the new hotel at 8:15 A.M. and checked it.  The woman at the front desk was awesome.  She got us into a room by 9:00 A.M.  RT wrote a Yelp review on the Papago Inn.  Here is RT’s review from www.yelp.com :

I’m sure this was probably a really nice hotel… In 1970. Very disappointing for a three star resort? Resort? Really? The first morning we woke up to a hooker down the hall arguing with the hotel manager. I guess if you’re in Scottsdale on a low budget it  will do the job but I can’t recommend it.

I would have thrown in… The Hotel Manager is scared of red-haired clowns and is a fan of Burger King.

We both fell back asleep.  We woke up at 11:30 A.M.  We were dead tired but we were not going to miss the Gigantes/Angels game in Tempe at 1:00 A.M. 

The fry incident was going to cost us an extra $20 every time we got into a cab since we were 8 miles further from our previous centralized location.

It cost us $60 to get to Tempe Diablo Stadium.

Sorry RT.

This game was also sold out.  We had to find a scalper. 

We found a scalper who met most of my scalper requirements.  He was older, haggard, and we were referred to him by a brotha.  He had to have some cream (scalper slang for great seats).

 

cash scalper.jpg

Cash is king in the scalper world.  An AMEX Card won’t get you nosebleeds.

Scalper: “$30 a piece for the burm or $60 a piece for 5 rows up down the first base line.”

SLY: “$100 for two down the first base line.”

The scalper walked away.

RT:  “We just paid $60 to get here.  Let’s pay the $60 each to watch the game.”

SLY: “We will take them for $120.”

We paid premium regular season prices for a Cactus League game. 

I do not respect the U.S. Dollar.

We both agreed alcohol would not be in our future.  This was a shame, as Barry Zito was on the hill.  We were letting out first opportunity for the Barry Zito Drinking Game go down the toilet.  No worries, we will have 30+ opportunities during the regular season. 

Zito actually looked sharp in his start.  Zito kept most of the Halo hitters off balance for the first 5 innings.  He fell apart quickly in the 6th before coming out of the game.  He ended up giving 4ER in 5 1/3 innings.

There was amazing moment in the top of the 5th inning.  Big Money hit a bases loaded clearing double to give los Gigantes the lead. 

There was a loud Gigantes fan that started chanting “Scoreboard…Scoreboard…Scoreboard”.

A few smart Halo fans responded back “2002…2002…2002.” 

I relived game Six for a moment.  I threw up in my mouth. 

Here was the amazing part.  I knew…errr (RT) recognized the idiot chanting “scoreboard”.  RT and I recognized this idiot from a spring training game in 2009.  He was heckling J.J. Hardy and Casey McGehee.  This was the highlight of the day.

Here is picture of the guy from 2009. He was wearing the same style Hawaiian shirt this year.

 

heckler.jpg

McGGHHHEEEEEHHHHEEEEEEEE and JJ HARRRDDDDLYYYY!!!!! (His heckles from 2009 Cactus League)

After watching three games I am rooting for John Bowker to get most of the starting at-bats in final outfield spot.  Bowker has out-played Nate Schierholtz this spring.  Schierholtz has looked lost in his at-bats.  He was late on hard stuff and ahead of the off-speed pitches.  Schierholtz is the superior defensive player and can still take over late inning situations.  Los Gigantes needs all the offense they can get.  Give Bowker the majority of the at-bats and see what he can do.

Los Gigantes lost by a run and we left before we had to hear more about the 2002 World Series.  I somehow negotiated a cab ride back to our hotel for a flat rate of $40.  Score for SLY.  The ride should have been around $75 with the traffic we experienced.

We then headed straight to our room and slept for the next 12-14 hours.  I was even too tired to say anything derogatory to a few Dodger fans in the lobby.

Put a fork in us. 

 

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We were done.

What did I learn on this trip?

There are many laws you can ignore Arizona, throwing fries, though not a law, should be avoided.

Being a drunken idiot and throwing three fries cost an extra $200 (hotel + extra cab fare).  That was my first $200 meal of my life.  The next time I want to spend $200 on a meal I will order some Dom Perignon with my fries. 

I never want to hear Banging on a door again. 

Please use the doorbell. 

Idiot Tax

 

Spring Training…Training

Todd Wellemeyer has shoved in the desert.  He has logged 15 innings yielding only 2 earned runs.  His control has also been in midseason form with only two free passes.  His only blemish this spring has been his low strikeout total of four.  He deserves to start the season as the fifth starter.   I want Gigantes fans to understand why he is performing so well after a disastrous 2009 campaign in which Wellemeyer went 7-10 with a 5.89 ERA.

Todd Wellemeyer is pitching for his professional baseball life.

One year after notching 13 wins and respectable 3.71 ERA for the Cardinals, Wellemeyer found himself signing a minor league deal with Los Gigantes. 

Wellemeyer knew he needed a bounce back year if he was going to extend his MLB career.  He did what many pitchers do when they need to impress an organization in Spring Training.  He began his throwing program early.  He is simply ahead of the hitters at this time.  The red flag that he has been throwing for a while is his control this spring.  Control is the last thing to come back for pitchers when they are getting back into game shape.  Look at Tim Lincecum and his 8 base on balls in 7 2/3 innings thus far in Spring Training for evidence.

Kevin Pucetas looks like he followed the same game plan as Wellemeyer.  He has been outstanding this spring (9IN, 0ER, 3K, and 0BB).  Pucetas has gone 42-13 in his minor league career with a 3.20 ERA.  He did struggle in AAA but appeared to figure it out later in the season.  He is now 25 years of age.  I am certain we (Gigantes fans) will see him sometime this season.

I would give the edge to Wellemeyer over Pucetas to start the season based on experience.  I am emphasizing start the season for a valid reason.  


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Wellemeyer will most likely fall on his face in late July or early August.  His fantastic spring will be his downfall.  He has been fantastic because his early throwing program has gotten him into game shape a month before he will pitch in a meaningful game.

Good for Todd Wellemeyer.  He did what he had to do to make the team.  I hope Los Gigantes ride him out as long as they can.  Los Gigantes will pull the plug on Wellemeyer once there are signs of fatigue in the second half and most likely insert Pucetas (I hope he doesn’t fall on his face because his early throwing program as well) or Madison Bumgarner (who did not throw during the off-season.  His rust is evident).

 

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Okay, that’s enough Todd Wellemeyer talk.  I bet KJ I could write at least two pages on him.  I wrote one and put myself to sleep. 

 

St. Patty’s Day Fun

How great are fake holidays that are all about drinking to excess?  St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo are two of my favorite days of the year.  Guinness and Jameson, there are not many things that are better.  I had my first Irish Car Bomb at 5:00AM on St. Patrick’s Day. 


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Yes, 5:00AM.

In my defense, I got off work at 4:00AM.  I had to celebrate before I went to sleep.

RT (who works for the best rental car company in the world), had four seats in the corporate luxury box at the Warriors game.  Instead of taking clients (like most employees do when they get tickets in the box), RT did what any real man would do.  He took his boys.  Good effing deal. 

We (RT, KJ, JRAM, and I) got to Oracle around 6:00PM.  We had time to pre-game and we were prepared. 

We got to park in the players parking lot. 

KJ looked the part.  He was dressed business casual.


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The Tux-Shirt is the mullet of the T-Shirt world.  It says I am all business, but ready to party.

We looked around.

SLY:  “I am glad we took RT’s car.  At least it’s a Mercedes from the past 5 years.”

KJ: “Yeah, our rides would look weird in here.”

RT:  “I am glad we drove my car.”

RT didn’t hear me but we were all thinking the same thing. 

RT: “Are we allowed to drink in this parking lot?”

SLY: “We’re in a luxury box.  They don’t know we didn’t pay for the thing.  I’ll tell them we paid 5k for the box to watch their horrible team.  We’re drinking here.”

Crack.  Crack.  Crack.  Three Silver Bullets ready to rock.

A security guard came over about 10 minutes later.  He told us we can’t drink in this parking lot. 

Warrior players and coaches are on http://www.drunkathlete.com.  Maybe the security officer was afraid we would offer Monta a cold one.

 

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This is when the Dubs were competitive. 

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Nellie would have joined us for a cold one in the player’s parking lot

I wussied out on telling off the security guard.

We finished our brews and KJ and I even got in some Gentleman Jack, you know, because we are gentleman.  We wouldn’t be allowed to drink Gentleman Jack if we were not.  Words don’t lie. 

We made our way into Oracle.  We headed for the bar to pay $9 for a 3.2 alc% Bud Light. 

Awesome.

KJ did learn an important lesson.  Do not ever attempt a shuffle step with two full beers in hand.  Always go with the cross over step.  The shuffle step is a 2 ounce mistake with a chance of complete embarrassment.

The Luxury box was awesome.  The game started.  Warriors’ basketball is not awesome.  I did give myself a financial rooting interest.  Anthony Tolliver had 16 points in the first six minutes. 

SLY: “If Tolliver goes over 30 I am purchasing his jersey for myself and anyone else who wants one.”

I immediately regretted my drunken offer.  There were a couple takers.  JRAM was now a huge Tolliver fan as he wanted to see me shell out good coin for a player who I will most likely have no recollection of in twelve hours.

The Warriors were down by double digits at halftime.  Tolliver didn’t do anything after the first 6 minutes.  I was safe for the moment.

The Halftime entertainment was great, wheelchair basketball.

These guys were gamers.  I was amazed how they would run plays without hitting the other chairs.  It was fun to watch.

We did notice that there wasn’t much dribbling. 

KJ: “What constitutes traveling?”  

SLY: “Two full rolls of the wheel. I mean, if it is two steps in leg basketball.”

KJ: “Sure, I’ll accept that.”

Then it happened, a break away.  There was a free path to the basket.

Only one thought came to mind.

 

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This is what I thought was going to happen.  I was let down.

SLY: “THROW IT DOWN!!!”

Silence overcame the box.  RT’s boss looked at me in a way that made me feel uneasy.  There wasn’t much laughter.  JRAM just shook his head. 

I will have a lot to explain at the pearly gates.

 

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I flagged down our server.  I ordered a six pack.  It was $35 bucks.  At this point, I felt like I deserved to pay $6 a beer to continue to drink. 

I am calling it the Idiot Tax. 

I have an idea for drinking at professional games.  After your 4th beer, an idiot tax is applied.  For each beer after the fourth the concession will add $1 to the original price.  Example, if a beer cost $7, the fifth beer would be $8, the sixth $9, and so on.   A black permanent marker could be used on the right wrist of the consumer.

Idiots like me and my friends will still pay for the beer.  Make me and all idiots pay a steeper price for our drunkenness.  If this led to Los Gigantes signing Carl Crawford next year, I would drink and gladly pay the Idiot Tax until I passed out.

 

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Batting 3rd for your 2011 Los Gigantes de San Francisco… Carl Crawford. 

These are the thoughts that roam freely in my head while I am intoxicated. 

Oh yeah, the second half!

I was only concerned with Anthony Tolliver’s point total.

He was heating up in the fourth quarter.

His point total climbed to 27 points.  He was hitting threes.   He hit another one.  30 EFFFing points for Anthony Tolliver, are you kidding me?  I was praying to God that he would not score another point.  There was a minute and a half left. 

God listened.  Tolliver ended the game with 30 points.

The Warriors came back from down 20.  Good Stuff.

Thank you RT.

SPRING TRAINGING TRIP 

My annual Spring Training trip will kick off next Thursday morning.  I am looking forward to the excess booze and baseball.  My first game will be Thursday night with Los Gigantes vs. The A’s.  I will be rocking my Lincecum wig and jersey. 

I hope I will get to see Barry Zito pitch so I can play the “Barry Zito Drinking Game” for the first time this year.

I have a goal to get a large group to participate in the BZDG at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park this season.

Let me know if you want to join in the fun.

I have to give big props to KJ.  After weeks of scouring Damon Bruce Podcasts, KJ has finally pirated one of our favorite sound bites of all time.  Annie’s “Pound it”.

I am proud of you and I have already used it in inappropriate situations.

                                                              


pound it.amr

Click and Save this sound bite.  It is the ultimate text message alert.

OYYYIII-OYYYIII-OYYYIII

Birth of a Season

I took my own advice and hibernated through the rest of the winter.  I am certain it was the right call.

I slept through Fanfest.  There was a motocross event at AT&T Park the week before.  I could and would not allow myself to see the playing field soiled with dirt mounds. 

Motorcross at AT&T.  Ewwwwwwwww.jpg

It would have caused great psychological harm.  I would have had nightmares of Pablo searching for a ball hit into one of the dirt mounds allowing multiple runs to score along with Timmy’s ERA rising high enough to knock on the door of the Father of Jesus. 

You think I am joking.

I do not need another reason to see a therapist. 

I did wake up in time for the birth of my Sister’s (Tawni) first child.  Welcome to the world Landen Sawyer Tilden.  You are now forced into being a Gigantes fan.  Enjoy it, embrace it, and hopefully we will win a World Series in your lifetime.

I gave the kid a good look through.  Ten fingers and toes, actually the kid has exceptionally long fingers which naturally prompted me to think the kid is going to have a filthy change piece.

Change Piece.jpg

Congratulations Jason and Tawni. 

Please teach him to throw lefthanded.

 

Spring Training is here

Thank…You…God.

I got to hear a little Flem and the Famer Wednesday afternoon.  What a wonderful gift we all have in the Bay Area.  We are spoiled.  Everything in the world now seems right.

I love spring training (If you don’t love spring training, then I hate you and we can never be friends).  I can watch the games without giving a hoot if los Gigantes win or lose.  I have a month of stress-free games to look forward to.

Spring training is time for:

1.  Get back into game shape (Pablo!!!!!).

2.  Implement new things into in a game situation (#55 is trying to re-involve his deuce into his arsenal).

3. Young players get evaluated in game situations with other major leaguers.

4.  Position battles.

5. Settling scores from the past year.

 

Barry Zito made sure #5 happened today. 

In response to “The bomb exploding/bowling ball/team celebration exercise” A well deserved and placed pitch was delivered by Singer/Songwriter Barry Zito to the back of Prince Fielder. 

I do not care that S/S Barry Zito had the third slowest average fastball in the big leagues in 2009 at 86.7 MPH or that Prince Fielder probably has enough back fat to absorb a Smart Car at 45 MPH.

fat prince fielder.jpg

I liked the old school message, although it would have been better delivered from Brian Wilson.

I called KJ to tell him the good news.

SLY:  Zito drilled (drilled sounds like it would leave a bruise) Prince.

KJ:  Boooyeaah.  Zito seems to have that attitude this spring.

SLY:  I hope that attitude gets some extra wins.

This is my third favorite Barry Zito moment as a member of Los Gigantes.

1.  Hearing Zito sing.

Like I slept with your mother

Don’t judge me

Cause I could be your brother

And we could be a family

2.  My invention of the Barry Zito Drinking Game.

3. Zito drilling Prince in his back fat.

Does it suck that none of my favorite Zito moments have happened in a game that has meant anything in the standings yet?

dreamy zito.jpg

If looks could kill 

If GMs were contestants on Survivor, Sabean would be one of the first voted off.

Tim Marchman of si.com ranked all 30 GMs in baseball.  It was an interesting article.  Yeah, Sabes was ranked 28th of 30.  Ned Colletti was 27th.  I am glad Sabes taught Colletti so well.

Here’s the blurb of Sabean:

Sabean’s skeptics were driven insane for years as no matter how many terrible, decrepit players he signed to absurd contracts, he always had Barry Bonds to make everything right. Once Bonds retired, the Giants immediately fell apart, and the skeptics gloated. Now they’re a decent team again because they’ve developed a pair of aces in Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain. It doesn’t matter; the skeptics are still right.

Here’s the link:  http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/writers/tim_marchman/03/03/gm.rankings/index.html

 

ORANGE FRIDAY TO THE NEXT LEVEL

Los Gigantes unveiled new alternate uniforms for Orange Friday this year.  The jersey’s are… very Orange. 

Alternate pablo jersey.jpg


I am deathly afraid of a cross promotional night involving anything with Cinderella.  The Fairy Godmother will attempt to turn Pablo into a carriage to bring Cinderella to the ball.  Yes, Pablo is going to look like a friggen Pumpkin.

baseball_pumpkin.jpg

The alternate hats are awesome.  They are an updated version of the 1982 hat.  I will purchase one and proudly wear it all year.

 

My Spring Training trip is all booked.  I’ll be there in three weeks.

I cannot wait for all the alcohol and baseball. 

drunkbaseballbar.jpg


I am glad hibernation is over.