Tagged: Pat Burrell

What is She Werth?

Hey All- I have created a new home for “The Three Bs”.  It will be hosted at http://www.the-three-bs.com 

I would appreciate if you checked it out. Thanks- Shaun 

Here at “The Three Bs” we believe that most situations in the world can be related back to baseball.

With that stated, I will break down this off-season’s free agent signings as they relate to men’s relationships with woman in the real world.  At 27 years old, I am obviously an expert.

The Team will be the man and the Player will be the woman. 

The Boston Red Sox and Carl Crawford (7 years $142 Million):

The Red Sox are a rich and handsome man who has an inferiority complex because of losing every whiffel-ball game to his rival (Yankees) as a child.  As an adult, he still feels the need to beat his rival at any cost.  If his rival (Yanks) is thinking about breaking up with his longtime girl (Mo Rivera), he will swoop in and try to steal her away.  He also wants what his rival wants.  He heard his rival took out Ms. Crawford on an expensive date, and the conversation was excellent.  He immediately calls Ms. Crawford and makes her an offer she cannot refuse.

Here’s the phone call:

Red Sox:  “Look babe, you are smoking hot.  I want you.  I want you all to myself.  We can do this.  I’ll make it worth your while.  How about I give you $142 million to stay with me for the next 7 years?”

Ms. Crawford: “You’re making a grown woman blush.  I don’t know what to say.”

Red Sox: “Say Yes!”

Ms. Crawford: “Yesssss, you made me the happiest girl from Houston.”

The Red Sox got the hottest girl in the free agent class in her prime.  Ms. Crawford should age well and still be attractive in the final years. It’s a huge commitment, but will prove to be worth it.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).


The Washington Nationals and Jayson Werth (7 years $126 Million):

The Nationals are an unattractive overweight man without much personality who recently has inherited substantial wealth.  Ms. Werth is attractive, but not beautiful.  She would interest most suitors but have turned most of them off because of her exaggerated self worth.  The two were set up by a mutual friend (Scott Boras).  Ms. Werth showed a enough interest where he thought he might be able to get an nice “old fashion” out of the deal.  After Ms. Werth put her hand on his, he blurted:

“7 years for $126 Million.”

Mr. Boras (chaperoning) sitting at the table reached into his pocket and produced a pen.  He handed it to Ms. Werth.

Ms. Werth knew she was doing this for money.  She sacrificed happiness for everlasting financial freedom.

She never said a word, she just signed the contract.

In the words of the Great Gary Radnich: “126 Million……126 Million….. REALLLYYY? ONNE-HUUUNNDRED TWEEENNNTY-SIX MILLION?”

…and I thought the Aaron Rowand deal was bad in 2008 for Los Gigantes.

For Kicks:

Jayson Werth (2010), 31 Years Old .296/.388/.532 46 2Bs 27 HRs and 85 RBI

Aaron Rowand (2007), 30 Years Old .309/.374/.515 45 2Bs 27 HRs and 89 RBI

Hurry Mr. Harper, you will be needed.

The Philadelphia Phillies and Cliff Lee (5 years $120 Million):

The Phillies are the attractive guy who once used and abused a beautiful girl.  Ms. Lee was very good to him, she gave everything she had, and was sent packing.  He left Ms. Lee for a very enticing reason (Doc Holladay) but missed her dearly.&n
He kept thinking what could have been if he kept her around.  Ms. Lee was back on the market and had many serious suitors.  He thought he had no chance.  Her new boyfriend tried to convince her to stay (Rangers) and the super attractive billionaire (Yankees) tried to lure her in.  He thought he’d text her on a whim to see if she still had feelings. He knew it was a one-in-a-million chance. But hell, one-in-a-million means there is a chance.

To his surprise, Ms. Lee not only text back but wanted to reconcile.  She stated how she longed for the comfort of the love she once knew. She went back to him even though he treated her like a tramp.

The lesson is simple. Girls love ********. 

Why play the 2011 season? Just throw the Phills and Red Sox in the series.

The Chicago White Sox and Adam Dunn (4 years $56 Million):

It’s simple.  The White Sox are the guy who likes big **** (HRs). Ms. Dunn has big ****.  He offered her the most, and she didn’t refuse. 

The **** will not sag in Chicago.  He will get what he paid for, lots of ****.

The New York Yankees and Derek Jeter (3 years $51 Million):

He has been married to Ms. Jeter for 15+ years, her looks are starting to go, and her spunky personality is getting a little tired.  She wants a lavish anniversary present.  He usually reserves lavish gifts for girls he is trying to pursue.  

He is annoyed that Ms. Jeter still views herself at the peak of powers.  Ultimately, he decides that the lavish gift is beneficial over a very messy and public divorce.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).


The Chicago White Sox and Paul Konerko (3 years $37.5 million):

He has been married to Ms. Konerko for 10+ years and things are going great.  The last year might have been their best year of marriage. Ms. Konerko is loyal and just wanted to be treated fairly.  He obliged, deal done.

The New York Yankees and Mariano Rivera (2 years $30 Million):

He is gorgeous, she is gorgeous, and they both need each other.  Another attractive man tried to swoop in (Red Sox) but He knew it wouldn’t matter.  They both wanted and needed each other.

Los Gigantes de San Francisco and Aubrey Huff (2 years 22 Million):

They met by necessity in early 2010.  She needed a home, he needed a warm body.  Neither was too attracted to each other at first.  A funny thing happened over the next year.  He realized Ms. Huff had a great personality and looked amazing in a red thong.  She realized that she not only had a place to stay but found a home as well.  The two will be very happy for the next couple years.

The Los Angeles Dodgers and Juan Uribe (3 years $21 Million):

He watched his biggest rival (Gigantes) reach the pinnacle with Ms. Uribe.  She isn’t a natural beauty but can look damn good when she gets made up. Ms. Uribe has never been given a real commitment.  He decided to reach out and steal her heart with promises of champagne and beaches. Ms. Uribe decided she “just wanted to chill” and took him up on his offer.  Her former lover tried a last second effort to reel her back in but it was too late.  The Lebronafication had already set it.  She was all set to chill in LaLa land.

The Oakland A’s and Hideki Matsui (1 year $4.25 Million):

He really wanted to get with an Asian.  He’s been trying all year.  He first tried with a high priced newly imported woman (Hisashi Iwakuma) and then had to settle with the easier target in Ms. Matsui.

Bottom line: He will get into bed with an Asian.

Los Gigantes de San Francisco and Pat Burrell (1 year $1 Million):

He met her at a bar while she was intoxicated with reminisce of puke on her shirt.  Considering her state, she didn’t look half bad.  He went to her place from the bar as she was “DTF”. 

He was a little surprised when she pulled out the gimp suit for him to wear.  S&M was new to him, he liked it.  He signed up for one more year.

The New York Yankees and Mark Prior (1 year $850k):

He wasn’t that attractive in high school, she was the prom queen.  She’s added a good 45lbs to her frame since her prime.  He still sees her for what she used to be. 

“If she got to the gym she could be smoking hot again.”

The problem is that Ms. Prior hasn’t been to the gym since 2006 (last appearance in MLB) and has no desires to get back.  She is happy getting paid on the slight chance she might make it into the gym and get into shape.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).


Hello Postseason, May I come in?

Knock. Knock.


Who’s there?


The Postseason.


Who, what, come again?


The Postseason, I understand we haven’t seen each other in quite some time.


It’s been 7 years.  I didn’t think I would ever see you again.  Champagne to celebrate?



2003 was the last time los Gigantes made a postseason appearance. 


Flashback to 2003:


I was a 20 year old college baseball player, unable to legally purchase alcohol, gamble, or rent a car. 


2003 was also the year I got kicked out of Pac Bell Park when I interfered and “ruined baseball.” 


Skip (Head Baseball Coach at Napa Valley College) gave RT and I his front row bleacher seats over the Yahoo! sign.  The game was 8-1 (Marlins lead) in the bottom of the 7th.  Jeffery Hammonds (who was playing for Barry Lamar) hit a ball deep to left-center field.  The ball was coming straight for us.  It became apparent the ball was going to be a little short (Guess he was the only Gigante not taking advantage of BALCO).  I reached over the fence, and stretched, and then stretched some more.  My torso was completely over the fence with my arm outstretched as far as possible.  The ball hit the edge of the webbing of my PRO-ALMC model SSK and fell down to the warning track.


If Jeffery looked like this, I would have caught the ball and not been humiliated.  

I lifted my torso back up, and was immediately booed by 40,000 Gigantes fans.  The intoxicated bleacher bum in the row behind us began pounding his fist into my back and screamed:


IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!!”


SLY: “It’s an 8-1 game, it was going to be a double anyways!”


IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!”


An Usher quickly came to escort me (RT came too) out of the ballpark for “ruining baseball”.  As I was being escorted out, 40,000 people began to cheer. 


I was being cheered, to leave.  Humiliating. 


As I took one look back to the field where I was being banished from, the young leftfielder of the Marlins, Miguel Cabrera gave me an appreciative thumbs up. 


You’re welcome Miguel.


The worst part wasn’t over.


My phone started to ring, and ring, and ring some more.


Dad: “What the hell were you doing?  Kruk circled, and then eliminated you.”

w-krukow + kuiper.jpg


I had this same call throughout the rest of the day.


I was on SportsCenter for the 2nd time (I have now been on 3 times, the third time was almost as embarrassing, another day another blog).


The cherry on top- The next day (Monday) I went to the cafeteria to get some lunch before baseball practice.  As I was purchasing my meal the lunch lady looked at me and said:


“If you are going to go over the fence, catch it, MEAT.”


I have not brought my glove to a professional ballgame since.


To end the 2003 flashback, the Marlins beat los Gigantes in the NLDS and went on to win the World Series.


The Marlins have been in the postseason twice (both Wild Cards) in their 17 year existence, have beaten los Gigantes in the NLDS both times, and went on to win the World Series both times.


Symmetry is disgusting.


Flash forward back to 2010.  Los Gigantes are one Dub-Ya away from poppin’ some bubbly. 


Asta La Bye-Bye Fathers.


Mad-Bum fought though his start for his first W at Pac-Bell/SBC/AT&T Park on Thursday. 


Los Gigantes again scored all of their runs off Jimmy Jacks.  It is as exciting as it is flawed.


…I really want to get back to Wednesday.


Los Gigantes and I had great days.


I was unable to watch the game, as KJ, RT, LJ, and I had tickets to watch the Black Keys perform at the Fox Theater.

Pat the Bat hit the 3-run Jimmy Jack during the opening act (The Black Seeds, solid act).  After the first 2 innings Timmy was in full control, we felt like the game was over.  It was. 


3-1 Gigantes. 


The Black Keys came to the stage.


Holy Smokes (Too bad Timmy couldn’t join in the fun).  

Timmy Smoke.jpg

I got ear EFFF’d by the Black Keys and loved every second of it.


As I enjoyed the love being made to my ears, I was able to draw one comparison between The Black Keys and los Gigantes.


Both played as a team with unparalleled confidence.


Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney are a team, a great team, and they get each other.  They diverge and extend their tracks when they see fit.  As a spectator, you can see them (Dan to Patrick) making eye contact, an unspoken sign that signifies where they will go next.


Los Gigantes are playing their best and most confident baseball of the year.  The 2010 version of los Gigantes has to be one of the best chemistry teams in San Francisco history.


KJ, RT, LJ, and I all left the Fox Theater in a state of nirvana. 


We were really hungry for some reason.


animal in n out.jpg

In N Out to the rescue.





As KJ and I were sitting on the couch during Thursday’s game, we started talking about the postseason roster and who would fill it out.


I asked him and RT to e-mail me their 25 man rosters.  I wanted to see how our rosters stacked up to Boch’s.


KJ and RT’s Roster were identical.  I truly think this is the 25 man roster Bochy will run with.  RT also added that he would add Chris Ray and sub Renteria in the 2nd round.  If los Gigantes are fortunate enough get to the 2nd round, where I expect them to face the Fight’n Phils, I would like to see another lefty in the pen.



































I want to know one item before I make my final decision.  Does Bochy plan on starting Zito in a playoff series?


If Bochy plans on starting Zito, than this is the roster I would run with.


If Bochy does not plan on starting Zito, there is no use for him on this roster.  He cannot come out of the bullpen.  It takes him 50-75 throws to get loose.  I am sure most would agree that Zito is the weak link of our starters. 


If Zito is not used at as a starter, I would add Dan Runzler to the 25 man roster.  Lefty Power arms are scarce; los Gigantes already have one with Jeremy Affeldt, two would be deadly late in games (Phillies anyone?).


By the way, it looks like Jeremy joined the “Just for Men” beard team as well.


It would also be humorous to have $30 million dollars left off the postseason roster (Zito and Rowand).


Bochy will probably name Zito the 2 or 3 starter, citing his experience and MadBum will take the roster spot where I would place Runzler.


We will find out by Tuesday.


The postseason door is open, los Gigantes just have to walk through.


I can almost taste the cheap champagne and beer.




Los Gigantes Salvage Day

My engine was smoking 10 minutes into my 40 mile drive to work. 




I pulled off the freeway towards the nearest gas station.


I turned the engine off but left the radio on, the game was about to start.  Steam poured out of my radiator.  I called work to alert them of my situation.  Jhoulys Chacin struck out los Gigantes in the first inning.


This sucks.


I began the process of doing something I know I shouldn’t do, opening the radiator cap.  I grabbed an old shirt from my trunk and started to loosen the cap ever so slowly.  I stood an arms length away inching the cap with one finger until the pressure was stronger than the thread in the cap.




The cap flew 25 feet straight upward, followed by a 10 foot high jet stream of boiling water. 


No Joke, this is what came out of my radiator. 

The force shocked and frightened the hell out of me.  I stared blankly at my car for a minute.  I was being stared at by every patron at the gas station. 

stop staring.jpg

I sheepishly retrieved my radiator cap which landed about 20 feet from my car.


Los Gigantes went down in order in the 2nd.


I re-filled the water in the car and checked the oil to see if I cracked a head.  I did not. 


I did get oil all over my suit; it was fresh from the dry cleaner.  I now smelt like my over-heated car.  It was very attractive.


I drove my car back home, sprayed on some cologne, and picked up LJ’s car to head towards work once more.


Lincecum was perfect through 4 innings, then 5 innings.  He sounded like he was in Cy-Timmy form (Flem and Jon were impressed).


KJ sent a bbm:  “Timmy, no base runners through 5.”


Seth Smith immediately blooped in a double to start the 6th.


That’s on you KJ, on you.


EY Jr. got the big two-out knock to give the Roxs the lead.


Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.  I pounded the steering wheel and let out a multitude of f-bombs.



I hate when we play in Colorado.  Coors Field is house of freaking horrors (Ryan Spilborghs anyone?).


The game looked like los Gigantes were back to their famine offense after the monster feast in Chicago the previous night. 



Los Gigantes need to learn not to eat until they completely stuff themselves, it is not healthy.


Posey worked a walk to start the 7th.


I prayed to Jesus Christo.

Jesus question.jpg


Dear Jesus Christo,


Please let Pat the Bat run into one.  Please.  I will not be angry about my $1000+ car repair or that I smell and my hands resemble anauto mechanic while wearing my professional work attire.  Timmy also needs to get a W here, he deserves it.  Please Jesus Christo, if you really exist….


“Highhhhhhhh Drrrriiivveee Lefffffttt Fielddddd.”


I believe in God.


I no longer cared about my car, clothes, or the depressed state I was previously in.  I was ecstatic.  It was almost an “I think something good happened moment”.  I will forever love Pat Burrell (unless he becomes a Dodger).  


Happy f-bombs now came blurting out uncontrollably.  I am glad my Grandmother could not hear me, she would be ashamed.


I really should have been a sailor.  Too bad I get motion sickness.


I got to work to watch Timmy finish the 8th and B-Weezy go 1-2-3 to nail down the game and the coffin to the Rockies Rocktober hopes.

nail hammer_0.jpg

There will be no Roctober this year

This game epitomized los Gigantes in September.  There was phenomenal pitching and a tater scored the runs.  It is a scary formula for success. 



This formula has rendered my nail clippers useless.


Los Gigantes huge Dubbb-ya salvaged a day for myself where the days events were not going my way. 


If this happened in January, this day could not have been salvaged.


Thank you Gigantes…and Jesus Christo.


Thank you.



En Fuego

The raging fire in San Bruno (Please spare Artichoke Joe’s Casino) made a 496 mile jump down the 5 and touched down at Petco Park in the third base dugout’s bat rack.  From the fire came four monster potatoes.  It was only the 20th time a team has hit 4 home runs in a game at Petco. 




I thought I was watching a Balco influenced game from 2002 (How I miss those days).


I thought my man crush for Pat the Bat had peaked. 





I was wrong.  His blast to the top to the Western Metal Supply building made me forget I was at work.  I let out an expletive that could lead to my termination which would result in the foreclosure of my home, becoming homeless, hitch hiking to San Francisco, and holding a sign on 2nd street which reads “Will do anything for standing room seats, I am serious, anything“.  Umm, I do not want to run my family name though the mud, maybe ill just apply at Pete’s Tavern for a bar back position. 




BS Degree.jpg

That sounds like fitting use of my B.S. Degree. 


Let’s give a big round of applause to Matthew Thomas Cain.  He did exactly what he needed to do.  He attacked the string cheese lineup that Bud Black is forced to write-in on the lineup card.  All I want from the pitchers in this series is to force anyone but A-Gon to beat us.  A-Gon is the only Father hitter with an OPS over .800 in the everyday lineup.  Four of our eight everyday guys are posting an OPS of .800+. 


chase headly.jpg

Look, Its Chase Headley.  Pitch to him!!!


I like our chances.


I love our chances.


I am starting to believe the Fathers will not make the playoffs.  I looked at next month’s calendar and noticed that October was spelled different.  It was spelled ROCKTOBER.  Yes they Rockies are charging hard.  Maybe the fire in San Bruno came from the team that plays in the mountains?  They’re playing like a team with nothing to lose.  Chris Nelson’s game winning steal of home was evidence of that.  I watched the post game interview with Nelson.  The kid ran on his own.  UnFreak’nBelievable.  The Roxs scare me, like hide under the covers scared. 


I did have a dream last night that is worth mentioning.  It involved a trade between Los Gigantes and the Roxs. 


I dreamt the Rockies sent Ubaldo to Los Gigantes for… a box of baseballs. The press release stated “The Colorado Rockies have sent Ublado Jimenez to the San Francisco Giants for a box of game balls.  The Rockies are happy to help Los Gigantes attempt to win their first World Series victory since 1954.”


Yes, this is what goes though my sub-conscious.



I was furious when I woke up and realized this did not happen.


Hopefully my dreams of a postseason birth will not go up in flames.

UHH, Well…Its been..UHH a while…yeah.

I know.


It’s been a while. I had to be responsible.  I purchased a home and was given a promotion. These are still not reasonable excuses. Forgive me.


So much has happened since my last entry.  Where do I start?


Let me update my theory on KJ’s Road Curse. 


Shortened Version (for all the Storm Alum).  KJ watched our boys get swept by the Fathers in April.  He blamed himself.  I agreed.  We decided to end his “Road Curse” (Los Gigantes have had no problem winning at home when KJ attends) by booking a trip to Denver.  The trip coincided with our Nations birthday.  Here is a quick recap.


July 1st.  L 7-3 

July 2nd L 6-3

July 3rd W 11-8


Big Cheer for KJ!!!!  It only took 5 games! 


July 4th L 4-3 in 15 innings. This was the longest game played in the history of Coors Field.  The game clocked in at 5 hours and 25 minutes.  This is the easiest way to describe how long the game was. 

On the way to the ballpark I stopped and bought sunscreen.  It was 95 Degrees.  By the 11th inning I had no need to for sunscreen as rain was pouring from the sky.  There was also a tornado warning.  It was as if God wanted to end the game himself. 


SLY: “This game has been so long the seasons changed.”

KJ: “Is it September?”




This is about right.


This was one of my all-time favorite games I have attended.  Back to Back Home Runs, second of which (Andres Torres) was a ground ball down the first base line that looked like it might be a double, took a crazy carom which led to Andy speeding around the bases, straight to the clubhouse where he sucked oxygen for the next 5 minutes.  Los Gigantes escaped numerous jams capped by the Houdini act by Guillermo Mota in the 14th inning.  Bases loaded with no outs.  No problem.  Strikeout followed by a fly ball to Torres in left where he gunned down the possible winning run at home. 


The magic ran out in the 15th, unfortunately unlike Pac Bell Park, there was no “Magic Inside” at Coors Field.


I was proud of my fellow Gigantes fans.  The majority of them stayed for the entire game.







I want to thank Uncle Jim of www.ballparksacrossamerica.com fame as he booked us a great room at his club price.  Uncle Jim also showed us the “honor bar” and the Grand Hyatt. Here is how Uncle Jim explained the honor bar.


Uncle Jim: “They (Grand Hyatt Management) know you are going to lie, just be cool about it.”




I was very honorable.


I still question whether KJ is cursed on the road.  We are going to test out KJ’s Road Curse this weekend.  We are throwing in a wrinkle.  We are following the 49ers to Seattle for their opener.  The Niners should crush the Seahawks.  If they lose, all the blame can be placed on the broad shoulders of Kenneth Lawrence Jones.


A few random observations and thoughts from the past 4 months:


  • Aubrey Huff’s cap looks like it belongs on a train conductor.  It has the straight square cap, slight middle crease in the lid.  I see a Cal Train job in his future.  One word of caution, watch out for the jumpers. 


train conductor.jpg

Ladies and Gentleman… Aubrey Huff in 2042



  • I stated during Spring Training that Andres Torres was one of the best players on the field.  I thought he could be a productive player but I didn’t think he would be ONE of the most valuable players for Los Gigantes.  Way to go Andy.

Andres Torres.jpg 


Who saw this coming? 


  • I love Juan Uribe.  I don’t care that he is going to finish the season hitting .240.  He could be 2 for his last 55 and I would still want him up in a big situation.  I anticipate he will hit a hanging slider 400 feet and I will get to see his little “jazz hands” celebration. 

jazz hands.jpg



  • I am naming my 1st born (Dog) Buster.  I predict that Buster will be the #1 pet name in the Bay Area for the next 15 years.  My 2nd born will be named Freak if it is a male or Freaka (FR-EE-K-UH) if it is female.  Buster and Freak(a) will be great additions to the family.

giants dog.jpg 

Roll over, C’mon BUSTER roll over… wait don’t. Drive it to Right-Center!



  • Bochy = amazing unintentional comedy.  Here’s a fun game my friends and I have done recently.  Put an over/under (Gambling is illegal and bad, don’t participate.) on how many times Boch will say “UHH” in any given interview.  An average radio pre-game show will produce about 35-40 “UHHs” in about 2 minutes.  I would set the line around 36.  Last Sunday during ESPN’s coverage I set the line at 12 during the in game interview.  KJ took the under and LJ and I took the over.  Orel Hershiser attempted to sabotage the line with his 45 second question but Boch still came through with 19 “UHHs” in 45 seconds.  Bochy has to get a new deal.  I have too much fun listening to him, and honestly he has done a fantastic job the past two years.



UHH, Well, Ya know, You’re short, and UHH That was UHH Horible Call.



  • I want to set up a race with Jose Guillen and Bengie Molina.  The way Guillen is lumbering I may put my money on Big Money.  I am honestly scared of fly balls hit to right field.  I haven’t felt like this since Glenallen Hill was patrolling right field at the Stick.



Even Money



RT mentioned that I should write a love letter to Pat the Bat.  Heck, sounds like a good idea to me.  Here it goes.


Dear Pat,


Who knew you were still much more than such a dreamy looking man?  I am so enthusiastic about the lightning still in your bat.  I am on www.1800flowers.com right now purchasing Flowers and Chocolate for the entire front office of the Tampa Bay Rays organization.  You have given depth and legitimized our lineup to resemble at least an MLB average offenseive team.  I accept your flaws and graciously accept you for who you are.  Will you do the same for me?  I occasionally have too many adult beverages, allow the outcomes of Los Gigantes games to influence my moods, and generally obsess over baseball most of my waking hours.  If you can handle me, please don’t hesitate to contact me.  I think we should meet.


With Love,





I just freaked myself out.  That was very Oscar (The Office) like.


I will stop now.


Los Gigantes are off to San Diego.  KJ will not be in attendance as we will be in Seattle.  Anyone know of a good Sports Bar in Seattle to watch the Gigantes/Fathers game on Saturday?


It is time to win a series and take control.


I promise to not be gone long.