Tagged: Barry Zito Drinking Game

A Bad Off Day

SLY

5/10/11

Have you ever had a day which went horrible but then when you look back and it could have been a lot worse?

 

That was my Monday.

 

I woke up on Monday with my eyes a shade of red which would have made Joseph Stalin blush.I arrived to work and tried to have as little contact with other employees and customers as possible. I had no idea what was wrong with my eyes.I thought about using WebMD.com for a self diagnosis but I didn’t feel like reading my obituary.WebMD seems to always come up with a diagnosis which is in need of immediate emergency care.

 

A Doctor’s appointment was made for later in the afternoon.

 

I filled out my new patient paperwork when I arrived at the doctor’s office.I saw a familiar face in the back of the office.

 

SLY: “Is that the Doctor?”

 

Receptionist: “Why yes, it is.”

 

SLY: “Funny, I know him. He is a customer of mine.”

 

Receptionist: “Where do you work?”

 

SLY: “Uh, the Casino.”

 

Dang it, I probably shouldn’t have called out the doctor before he sees me.

 

Doctor: “Whoa!” (As the Doctor entered the patient room)

 

I made sure to give the Doctor his proper respects by referring to him as Dr. (insert last name here), instead of the initials I have known him as for the last two years as a customer.

 

Doctor (insert last name here) had a surprisingly great personality.He was also a huge baseball and Gigantes fan.

 

Maybe that’s why I liked him.

 

Turns out I had some crazy allergies, much better than the diagnosis I would have received on WebMD.It took 27 years, but I finally experienced what so many of my family and friends complain of each year.

 

I now feel your pain in my eyes and wallet.The three prescriptions clocked in at $125.

Why do I pay for health insurance?

 

I arrived home in a bitter mood because of the cash spent on the prescriptions, the allergies, and there was no Gigantes game to look forward to.

 

The bitter mood soon turned to panic.

 

I noticed some water on the street in front of my house.I looked a little closer, it was not “some” water, it was a lot of water. Water was pouring into the street.I then heard an odd sound; it was the sound of water shooting into the air.I looked in horror as I saw what resembled “Old Faithful” in my backyard.

 

Water was shooting about 15 feet in the air.It was impressive.I would have taken time to snap a picture ff it wasn’t for the fact it was destroying the home I owe so much money on.

 

I threw off my suit, grabbed shorts, a shirt, and shoes I knew would be ruined.I ran to the backyard which was now 6-8 inches under water.I found the broken pipe, and was unable to stop Old Faithful.

 

I ran to the front of the house and turned off the main water supply.I looked like I just walked out of a swimming pool as I stood in shock on the sidewalk.

 

As I stood there soaked and dumbfounded, a lady walked past me with her dog.

 

LadyiWantedtoPunch: “Oh, Water.”

 

She then proceeded to lightly jump over the little puddle that was in her path.

 

I wanted to scream and curse her.

 

Look at me, almost grown up and able to deal with others.

 

I naturally called my Home Warranty company to fix my little water problem.

 

Turns out, the Home Warranty company (Fidelity Home Warranty) only covers incidents inside the actual home.

 

Thank you, I will now cancel your service.

 

I was unable to secure a plumber for Monday night.I would have brought out the soap and shampoo when Old Faithful was erupting if I known that would be the case.

 

A plumber arrived on Tuesday morning.I was expecting a hefty bill to fix the pipe.I acted like it was an easy fix to the plumber, and it was.$90 and 10 minutes later, my pipe was repaired.

 

As the plumber left he showed me where I could have shut off the water for only outside.

 

I felt like I belonged on the short bus.

 

I took a shower to wash off the shame of my home owner incompetence before work.

 

All in All the day could have been worse.My eyes could have had an un-curable new strain of pinkeye and my house could have been completely flooded.

 

I’ll take the $215 tab and shame of not knowing how my home functions.

 

I hate off-days.

The Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez Drinking Game

 

The Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez Drinking Game

With the Spiritual Southpaw on the shelf I have been asked who would carry the Barry Zito Drinking game torch.

 

Easy, Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez.

 

It is an easy call because Sanchez’s starts are frustrating, fascinating, and often dominating. He can look aloof, focused, and aloof all within the same batter.

 

As Mama Gump famously said: “Jonathon Sanchez is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”

 

Legal Disclaimer: The Three Bs and its correspondents are not responsible for the health risks involved in any drinking games.If you are too stupid to know when to quit, then shame on you.

 

Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez is wildly effectively wild; the rules reflect his best and worst traits.

 

Official Rules of the Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez Drinking Game:

 

On the Bump:

 

Strike out an opposing hitter: 2 drinks

 

For every base runner(s) stranded: 2 drinks

 

For every base on bal or HBPl: 2 drinks

 

For every Run allowed (earned or unearned): 6 drinks

 

For every wild pitch: 1 Beer

 

Every dumb, confused, or blank look by Sanchez will be worth: 1 Beer

 

Every time the camera catches Bochy with his hands on his hips, his size 8 hat off his noggin, or his hands in the air: 1 Beer

 

20+ Pitches in one inning: 1 Shot

 

4 Strikeouts in One Inning: Game Over. Every beer in the house must be finished. The participant(s) must spend an additional $100 if participating at the ballpark or bar.

 

At the Plate:

 

Reaching Base (Any way possible): 1 Beer

 

*Our empirical evidence found that 12 drinks equal a full beer*

 

Enjoy!

Johnny Chez Drinking Game and OBL/Obama Photo Theories

 

Please Check Out http://The-Three-Bs.com for all the photos and unedited content. Thanks- Shaun

 

5/5/11

 

Happy Cinco de Drinko!  In honor of the 2nd best drinking holiday of the year, The Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez Drinking Game has been unveiled.

 

I was unable to participate or score the game as I had to work.  A quick look at the box score shows about 8 ½ beers (not including looks from J. Sanchez or Bochy).

 

This game may be just as lethal as the BZDG. 

 

Gigantes fans cannot complain with a 5-5 road trip considering how futile the offense was.  We all envisioned Mike Fontenot penciled (I hope that is Bochy’s writing tool of choice) in the three hole. 

 

The sad part about Fontenot hitting 3rd is that is where he should be hitting at the moment.  Lil man is rocking .892 OPS, which leads all players who are not on the DL named Pablo Sandoval.

 

A Late Acknowledgement

 

I have to give a late acknowledgement to the great Kenstrodaumas on his end of game prediction during Saturday’s Angels/Rays game. 

 

With two outs in the bottom of the 10th inning, Fernando Rodney faced (the recently DFA’d) Felipe Lopez with Matt Joyce on 3rd base.

 

KJ: “Wild Pitch, game over.”

 

Rodney threw a fastball which Hank Conger could not backhand, the ball went to the backstop, and Matt Joyce scored the game winner.

 

KJ: “Told you.”

 

KJ has a knack for these kinds of things, it is scary.  There has to be someway I can exploit this for a monetary gain.

 

Say Cheese OBL!

 

President Obama decided not to release photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse.  I have a couple of theories on why President Obama held the photos back.

 

1.  President Obama wants to show the Right Wingers that he a Capitalist!

 

The President will open a bidding war between the tabloids and other news publications all over the world for the rights to the photos.

 

That would end all the socialist talk.

 

2.  The photos will be released on November 2nd 2012.

 

After all, he is a Politician.  It will help the exit poll numbers.

 

The Three Bs Vs. Pliny The Younger

Hey All- Please Check out the new Site: http://www.The-Three-Bs.com

The Three Bs Vs. Pliny The Younger
SLY

2/18/11

One third of The Three Bs is dedicated to Beer, Booze, Brew, and any other word associated with Alcohol which starts with the letter B. 

 

With that, I give you The Three Bs versus Pliny The Younger.

 

I will remember 2010 for many reasons; the birth of my nephew, Los Gigantes World Series title, the purchase of my first home, the launch of www-The-Three-Bs.com, and my first sip of Pliny The Younger.

 

Last February my friend Dante Hicks (I know what you’re thinking; he is not the character from “Clerks”.) alerted me that he was going to Santa Rosa to visit Russian River Brewery for the release of Pliny The Younger.  I will admit that was the first time I heard of Pliny The Younger.  This is embarrassing because Santa Rosa is my hometown and I have patronized Russian River Brewery on many occasions. 



Not this Dante Hicks, The Real Dante Hicks.

 

Dante turned me on to www.beeradvocate.com, there it was evident why Pliny The Younger was such a big deal, it was the 2nd rated beer in the world. 

 

How could I miss this opportunity so close to home?

 

Dante got to the Brewery at opening (11:00am) and was greeted with a line of a couple hundred people long.  I showed up around 11:30am and we proceeded to wait about 2 hours before we entered.

 

I did not feel bad about the wait as many people made a pilgrimage to taste the Younger.  There was a guy in line with us who flew in from Sweden . 

 

The stuff had to be legit.

 

The Younger came in at 11% abv in 2010 and went down like a champ.  Beer this high in alcohol content should not go down the gullet so blissfully.

 

Dante and I stayed for about 4 hours.  We took our time, filled a growler and drove home riding the bumps with one eye closed.

 

I shared the growler with Pops and KJ.  They both vowed to stand in line in 2011.

 

I went back to Russian River Brewery with my brother in law the following day.  Pliny the Younger was dry for the year.  I found out it lasted for only 8 beautiful hours.

 

Russian River Brewery made a few changes for their Pliny The Younger release in 2011; it was set for a two week release from 2/4-2/17.  The new rules were as follows: a limited number of kegs will be released each day to ensure the Younger last for two weeks, 10.5oz pours, and no growlers.  You can only drink what you can put in your belly.

 

The last part sounds like a challenge.

 

Round 1: Friday 2/11/11.

 

RT, LJ, and I stayed at my Pop’s place on Thursday night.  Pops could not partake in the festivities as he had to work.  Pops is much more responsible as RT and I blew off work.

 

We arrived at the brewery at 9:30am; I was surprised there was nobody in line. 

 

The situation gave me an eerie reminder of a situation in college.

           

In college I purchased 6 tickets for a concert two months in advance at San Jose State . The concert was scheduled for October 30th2006.  My friends and I all went out to the bars before stumbling over to the San Jose State Event Center for the show.  We arrived fashionably and drunkenly late when the 2nd act was suppose to go on.  We encountered one problem.  We were all alone on campus.

 

RT: “What the eff Shaun?”

 

SLY: “Duuude, the tickets say October 30th.”

 

RT: “Tickets don’t talk.”

 

SLY: “Well, there is not a show here, back to the bars.”

 

I found out at the bar the concert was cancelled over a month before.  I purchased the next few rounds. 

 

My blunder ruined any game I had with chics on this night as my friends were all too quick to bring up the situation to any female I encountered.

 

I was confident that Pliny The Younger was not canceled on this day, we headed to Starbucks for coffee.  The thought of Younger completely made me forget a few of my job responsibilities. 

 

SLY: “Shhhhhhhhit, I have to approve timecards before noon.”

 

LJ: “How are you going do that here?”

 

SLY: “There has to be someone with a computer around here somewhere.”

 

I found a FedEx Office store which had a pay to use internet service.  Awesome, it only cost $.25 per minute.  I should be done in less than $2.

 

I learned a lesson about capitalism.

 

The computer must have been on dial-up.  It could not even load my website to approve the timecards.  I waited until the $5 point. 

 

SLY: “That’s it, I am done.  I could have spent this $5 on a 10.5 ounces of Pliny The Younger and still had $.50 left over.”

 

I felt betrayed by our capitalistic economic model, but it actually gave me a great business idea for the skid rows of America .

 

Business idea: Pay-to-watch free porn on www.pornhub.com

 

Here me out. 

 

The customers who would frequent this abomination of an establishment would;

 

A. Be in the lowest rung of social class.

B. Not be aware that cable internet exists.

C. Not be able to justify a cover charge at a gentlemen’s club.

D. Spend all their money on booze and debauchery.

E. Not qualify for a ATM card.

F. Have never heard of www.pornhub.com, therefore believing the site is a gift from God.

 


Wheelhouse Demographic


Give me a cheap 1000sq foot empty space, 10 private stalls, 10 computers with their homepages all set on pornhub, and let the fine gentlemen have at it.

 

Nothing better than DSL will be used, I want a 5 minute video to load in 10 minutes and payments to be collected before they start (Learned from the Bunnyranch).

 

The price per minute will be reasonably set at $2 per minute.  I expect most customers to not allow their video to fully load before they blow theirs.  The revenue goal per customer will be $10.

 


That’s it, I am going to hell.

 

Alright, let’s get back to the beer.

 

After I surrendered $5 to FedEx Office we headed back into line at Russian River Brewery at 10:00am. 

 

We were now second in line. 

 

By the time the doors opened at 11:00am the line was stretched out to about 100 thirsty souls.

 

We sat down and I asked the bartender if my favorite beer was available.

 

SLY:  “Do you have the Silver Bullet on draft?”

 

Server: “Um, No.”

 

I could not tell if he thought I was serious.  Well played sir.

 

SLY: “Oh, ok, we will have three of those Pliny The Youngers.”

 


First Round of 2011 


The Pliny’s looked and smelled amazing.  They were just as I remembered from the past year, almost perfection.  The abv this year was a tad down this year from 11% to 10.25%.


The first one went down all to fast…and so did the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th.

 

At last count, RT had 5 while LJ and I had 6.



 

RT and I recognized two friends; well we thought we recognized the two people.  We debated whether they were indeed our friends.

 

Yes, we were now very intoxicated.  

 

I walked over to the table that may or may not be our friends.  I was as confident as Barry Zito laying down a sac bunt attempt (I had to throw in a baseball reference), which is to say (for you non-stitch heads) very confident (Zete’s led the team in sac bunts in 2010).

 



Is it bad when all my good Barry Zito references have nothing to do with pitching? 

 

The two people were indeed our friends, RT and I shared a few pleasantries before heading back to our table.

 

Holly Ravioli Batman.

 

Pliny The Younger officially hit LJ.  Her head was on the table.  She was out. 

 

It was time to leave.

 

RT and I wanted to kill a little time to sober up before we headed back to Pop’s house.  I choose “Sweet Spot”, a bar right down the street. 


 


I ordered a Guinness to sober up.  I am part Irish, it is allowed.

 

RT and LJ each ordered a beer against their better judgment. 

 

RT took a few sips and headed to the bathroom.  LJ took a sip or two between her naps at the bar.

 

Bartender: “She can’t sleep at the bar.”

 

SLY: “She’s cool, she’s had a long day.”

 

Bartender: “It is 2:30pm.”

 

SLY: “She got up really early?”

 

RT returned from the bar.  He did not say much. 

 

It was my turn to use the facilities.  I walked in and smelt the sour stench of vomit.

 

There is a reason we have bestowed the nickname of “Yack” upon RT.

 



RT: “Yeah, that was me.”

 

SLY: “It is time to leave.”

 

I managed to get us home safely.  RT lived up to his nickname once more as he walked from the car to inside the house.

 

We were all passed out before 4:00pm.

 

Pops arrived home.

 

Pops: “What the heck happened to you guys?”

 

SLY: “Pliny The Younger.”

 

It was official, Younger 1 The Three Bs 0.

 

On a side note, LJ claimed blackout status.  I believe her.

 

Round 2: 2/13/11.

 

Round 2 came about because KJ, Dante, and Pops were all unable to attend Round 1.

 

We were 9th in line at 10:00am Sunday morning.  I did my homework during Round 1 and asked our server what time we should show up.

 

He was right, by opening at 11:00am the line was easily 200 thirsty fellows long.

 

It was on, again.

 

The Youngers went down just as smoothly as two days prior. 

 

I had a game plan to drink a maximum of 3.   I diverged from the game plan. 

 

Dante led the way with 5, and KJ, Pops, and I had 4 each.



The Real Dante Hicks

 

We left Russian River Brewery happy and drunk.  Sweet Spot was patronized for a brew.  It was Déjà vu, a glitch in the Matrix. 

 

There were animal origami dollar bills next to the handles of beer.

 

I stole them.  I think I made $6 out of the deal.

 

Alcohol can alter ones judgment.

 

Pops drove us home but made one more pit stop.  A local Irish bar.  A round of Guinness and a game of pool apparently were on the agenda.

 

The teams were set as Dante and SLY versus Pops and KJ.

 

It was an epic battle of drunken pool shooting.  There were no sharks in this game, just guppies.

 

I went on a little run and had a shot to win the game.  I called my pocket, chalked the cue, reared back, and let her rip.

 

My aim and stroke were true.  The 8-ball fell into the correct pocket…followed by the cue ball. 

 

Pops cheered like a little school girl.

 

I hate losing.

 

We finished up our Irish water and Pops got us home safe. 

 

Pops had Rib-Eyes on the dinner menu.  How much better does food taste when you are intoxicated?

 

Dante and I decided to shoot the basketball around while the food was being prepared.  After a few half hearted shots the ball became stuck in the net.  I couldn’t jump and reach it (It is not my fault, I am short and white.).

 

Dante became the ball hero.  He jumped. He missed.  He jumped again.  He missed again.  It was agitating him.  He mustered up one more effort. Dante lowered his legs and exploded towards the sky. The explosion accounted for an extra 2.5 inches of vertical leap which allowed him to scrape the ball with his hand which subsequently broke the balls inertia and allowed the ball to fall harmlessly to the ground.

 

Dante was another story.


 

Boom!

 

Dante’s elbow was the first body part to hit the pavement.  It wasn’t pretty and blood was shed.

 

We should have just grabbed a broom.

 

Again, alcohol clouds judgment and athleticism.

 

Dante and I went inside to watch the basketball game on television.  This was not a safer option.  A 16oz glass was broken minutes later.  Shards of glass were all over the living room.

 

Alcohol deteriorates motor skills.

 

Dinner was served.  The steaks looked and smelled amazing.  They were still raw.  KJ is as good as it comes on the grill but…

 



Alcohol clouds judgment.

 

Pops took two bites of his steak before retiring to his room, never to be seen again.

 

Dante and KJ eventually found the courage to drive home.

 

I was asleep by 8:30PM.

 

I was up at 5:30AM the next day, Pops was making breakfast.

 

Pops: “I don’t remember anything from last night. Did we cook the steaks?”

 

SLY: “Wow, you had two bites before passing out.”

 

Pops: “That stuff (Pliny The Younger) is dangerous.”

 

SLY: “You said it.”

 

Pliny The Younger 2 The Three Bs 0.

 

Pliny The Younger 2011 Versus The Three Bs Recap:

 

Pliny The Youngers consumed: 34

 

Verified “Yacks” from RT: 2

 

Blackouts: 2 (LJ and Pops)

 

The yearly release of Pliny The Younger is an event that I will not miss.  It is a tradition that brings together many of the elements that make life so efffing amazing.  Great people, beer, food, adventure, and decisions we can look back on and laugh. 

 

Good times.

 

Quote of the year (thus far):

 

Dante Hicks: “I never listen to what my body tells me, I just grab another beer.”


Hello Postseason, May I come in?

Knock. Knock.

 

Who’s there?

 

The Postseason.

 

Who, what, come again?

 

The Postseason, I understand we haven’t seen each other in quite some time.

 

It’s been 7 years.  I didn’t think I would ever see you again.  Champagne to celebrate?

 

 

2003 was the last time los Gigantes made a postseason appearance. 

 

Flashback to 2003:

 

I was a 20 year old college baseball player, unable to legally purchase alcohol, gamble, or rent a car. 

 

2003 was also the year I got kicked out of Pac Bell Park when I interfered and “ruined baseball.” 

 

Skip (Head Baseball Coach at Napa Valley College) gave RT and I his front row bleacher seats over the Yahoo! sign.  The game was 8-1 (Marlins lead) in the bottom of the 7th.  Jeffery Hammonds (who was playing for Barry Lamar) hit a ball deep to left-center field.  The ball was coming straight for us.  It became apparent the ball was going to be a little short (Guess he was the only Gigante not taking advantage of BALCO).  I reached over the fence, and stretched, and then stretched some more.  My torso was completely over the fence with my arm outstretched as far as possible.  The ball hit the edge of the webbing of my PRO-ALMC model SSK and fell down to the warning track.


balco.jpg


If Jeffery looked like this, I would have caught the ball and not been humiliated.  


I lifted my torso back up, and was immediately booed by 40,000 Gigantes fans.  The intoxicated bleacher bum in the row behind us began pounding his fist into my back and screamed:

 

IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!!”

 

SLY: “It’s an 8-1 game, it was going to be a double anyways!”

 

IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!”

 

An Usher quickly came to escort me (RT came too) out of the ballpark for “ruining baseball”.  As I was being escorted out, 40,000 people began to cheer. 

 

I was being cheered, to leave.  Humiliating. 

 

As I took one look back to the field where I was being banished from, the young leftfielder of the Marlins, Miguel Cabrera gave me an appreciative thumbs up. 

 

You’re welcome Miguel.

 

The worst part wasn’t over.

 

My phone started to ring, and ring, and ring some more.

 

Dad: “What the hell were you doing?  Kruk circled, and then eliminated you.”


w-krukow + kuiper.jpg

 

I had this same call throughout the rest of the day.

 

I was on SportsCenter for the 2nd time (I have now been on 3 times, the third time was almost as embarrassing, another day another blog).

 

The cherry on top- The next day (Monday) I went to the cafeteria to get some lunch before baseball practice.  As I was purchasing my meal the lunch lady looked at me and said:

 

“If you are going to go over the fence, catch it, MEAT.”

 

I have not brought my glove to a professional ballgame since.

 

To end the 2003 flashback, the Marlins beat los Gigantes in the NLDS and went on to win the World Series.

 

The Marlins have been in the postseason twice (both Wild Cards) in their 17 year existence, have beaten los Gigantes in the NLDS both times, and went on to win the World Series both times.

 

Symmetry is disgusting.

 

Flash forward back to 2010.  Los Gigantes are one Dub-Ya away from poppin’ some bubbly. 

 

Asta La Bye-Bye Fathers.

 

Mad-Bum fought though his start for his first W at Pac-Bell/SBC/AT&T Park on Thursday. 

 

Los Gigantes again scored all of their runs off Jimmy Jacks.  It is as exciting as it is flawed.

 

…I really want to get back to Wednesday.

 

Los Gigantes and I had great days.

 

I was unable to watch the game, as KJ, RT, LJ, and I had tickets to watch the Black Keys perform at the Fox Theater.


Pat the Bat hit the 3-run Jimmy Jack during the opening act (The Black Seeds, solid act).  After the first 2 innings Timmy was in full control, we felt like the game was over.  It was. 

 

3-1 Gigantes. 

 

The Black Keys came to the stage.

 

Holy Smokes (Too bad Timmy couldn’t join in the fun).  

Timmy Smoke.jpg



I got ear EFFF’d by the Black Keys and loved every second of it.

 

As I enjoyed the love being made to my ears, I was able to draw one comparison between The Black Keys and los Gigantes.

 

Both played as a team with unparalleled confidence.

 

Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney are a team, a great team, and they get each other.  They diverge and extend their tracks when they see fit.  As a spectator, you can see them (Dan to Patrick) making eye contact, an unspoken sign that signifies where they will go next.

 

Los Gigantes are playing their best and most confident baseball of the year.  The 2010 version of los Gigantes has to be one of the best chemistry teams in San Francisco history.

 

KJ, RT, LJ, and I all left the Fox Theater in a state of nirvana. 

 

We were really hungry for some reason.

 

animal in n out.jpg

In N Out to the rescue.

 

 

POSTSEASON ROSTER DEBATE

 

As KJ and I were sitting on the couch during Thursday’s game, we started talking about the postseason roster and who would fill it out.

 

I asked him and RT to e-mail me their 25 man rosters.  I wanted to see how our rosters stacked up to Boch’s.

 

KJ and RT’s Roster were identical.  I truly think this is the 25 man roster Bochy will run with.  RT also added that he would add Chris Ray and sub Renteria in the 2nd round.  If los Gigantes are fortunate enough get to the 2nd round, where I expect them to face the Fight’n Phils, I would like to see another lefty in the pen.

 

Pitchers

 

Lincecum

Cain

Sanchez

Bumgarner

Zito

Wilson

Romo

Lopez

Ramirez

Casilla

Affeldt

 

INF

 

Posey

Huff

Sanchez

Sandoval

Uribe

Fontenot

Renteria

Ishikawa

Whiteside

 

OF

Guillen

Torres

Burrell

Ross

Schierholtz

 

I want to know one item before I make my final decision.  Does Bochy plan on starting Zito in a playoff series?

 

If Bochy plans on starting Zito, than this is the roster I would run with.

 

If Bochy does not plan on starting Zito, there is no use for him on this roster.  He cannot come out of the bullpen.  It takes him 50-75 throws to get loose.  I am sure most would agree that Zito is the weak link of our starters. 

 

If Zito is not used at as a starter, I would add Dan Runzler to the 25 man roster.  Lefty Power arms are scarce; los Gigantes already have one with Jeremy Affeldt, two would be deadly late in games (Phillies anyone?).

 

By the way, it looks like Jeremy joined the “Just for Men” beard team as well.

 

It would also be humorous to have $30 million dollars left off the postseason roster (Zito and Rowand).

 

Bochy will probably name Zito the 2 or 3 starter, citing his experience and MadBum will take the roster spot where I would place Runzler.

 

We will find out by Tuesday.

 

The postseason door is open, los Gigantes just have to walk through.

 

I can almost taste the cheap champagne and beer.

 

 

 

Death Threats and Missing Andy

I received threats on my life from a customer at work tonight.  The threats were valid enough that the police had to be informed, yet this is not what is on my mind. 

 

What is?

 

Los Gigantes lack of offense.  It is disturbing, frustrating, and irritating.

 

My in-game BBM (Blackberry Messenger) chat with KJ and RT was negative.  We all Negative Nates.  Nobody liked Nate Schieroltz pinch hitting for Timmy in the 5th (it smelt of desperation but the bullpen made the move work).  Pablo and Juan’s at bats were absolute garbage. 

 

I have decided that Pablo and Juan (I still love Juan) must believe they are playing cricket.

 

 

CricketBattingTime.jpg

Pablo gets these crazy eyes with men on base.

 

They have to protect the ball from hitting the three sticks behind them.  This is the only way I can rationalize why they continue to swing at balls in the dirt.  

 

We all agreed on one thing, we miss Andres Vungo Torres.

 

How important is Andy?  His absence proves his worth.  He might be our MVP.  Screw it, he is our MVP.  He is the glue that holds the team together.  Without Andy our corner outfield defense is exposed for what it is (two slow DH guys), and our lineup has been held together by duct tape. 

 


duct_tape.jpg 

 

This may be the first time in the existence of duct tape that it has not been able to hold something together.

 

Get well soon Andy.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

 

KJ (who is always the optimist) penned a short note to Los Gigantes.

 

Dear Giants,

 

Do you realize you’re in a pennant race?  I know Andy is out of the lineup and he is the spark plug, but in the meantime, score some f”ing runs.

 

Sincerely,

 

Kenneth Lawrence Jones

 

Los Gigantes may want to give KJ a call; his 9 taters lead the San Jose NABA this season. 

 

Los Gigantes are now 7-2 all-time wearing their Gigantes uniforms.  Their only two losses have both come against the Brewers.  The Brewers were wearing their Cerveceros uniforms on both occasions.  

 


cerveceros.jpg 

KJ, RT, and I were at this game.  The last time los Cerveceros beat los Gigantes. 6/29/09. 

 

I need to find out what the Brewers all-time record is with their Cerveceros uniforms.  If it is good, and my empirical evidence with los Gigantes shows they are undefeated, I need to exploit this. 

 

I have a plan, a plan to have los Cerveceros help los Gigantes.

 

I will go to Milwaukee and become their equipment manager.  I will then control which uniforms are worn on each day.  Los Cerveceros will uniforms will come out against NL West contenders and other teams which stand in the way of los Gigantes reaching the playoffs. 

 

The Brewers will never wear los Cerveceros uniforms against los Gigantes ever again. 

 

This needs to happen.

 

I’ll be sending my resume to the Milwaukee Brewers in the upcoming weeks.

 

First pitch is in less than 10 hours.  Barry Zito will try to derail the sweep.  I have Sunday off.  I will participate in the Barry Zito Drinking Game.

 

The BZDG has to be safer than work.

 

 

 

 

Time Theft

I have had to work nights the last few months. The hours are now causing problems.  Most Gigantes home games start an hour after I start work.  It is fair to say I am useless from first to last pitch.  I learned from “The Office” this is known as Time Theft. 

 


time theft.jpg 

I am a ninja when it comes to Time Theft.

 

In fact, I am ignoring many of my job responsibilities as I write this. 

 

Here are some comments and questions I have received from customers since the baseball season started:

 

“You look horrible. What happened?” (Baseball started, I couldn’t sleep.)

 

“Shaun, do you work here?” (No, I always put on a suit.)

 

“Ohh, Los Gigantes are on, Shaun is useless.” (That’s about right.)

 

“Do you get paid to watch television?” (As long as Los Gigantes game is on.)

 

“Shaun…Shaun….Shaun!!!!!!” (I wasn’t paying attention)

 

“Shaun will be with you when the game is over.” (Thank you for your understanding… Mangement.)

 

“I am sorry I am taking you away from your game.”  (I usually enjoy sarcasm.)

 

“Why do you look so nervous?” (Zito was pitching with a lead. I am not sure how to react yet.)

 

Barry Zito Drinking Game Results for 4/12/2010

 


Barry Zito and Goose.jpg 

***Side Note***

 An amendment had to be made to the BZDG.  After Barry’s first start when he shut down the Astros, it has been determined that a 1-2-3 inning constitutes the consumption of one full beer/adult beverage.

 

One gulp for:

Walk-3

Single-4

Any pick-off attempt-2

Any time Zito adjusts his cap and runs his hand through his dreamy hair –3

Two gulps for:

Double- 1

Stolen Base allowed-1

Three gulps for:

Triple-

One complete beverage for:

1-2-3 Inning – 3

Home Run –

Run-3

Any time “former Cy Young award winner” is mentioned-

Any time “P90X” is mentioned-

Three straight pick overs to 1st base-

Balk-1   

Zito striking out an opposing player with a fastball .-

If Zito reaches base, any way possible.-

 

For every inning after the 5th that Zito starts, a celebratory beverage must be consumed.-2

 

(8 gulps = one beer)

 

Inning by Inning breakdown:

1st1 Beer, 7 gulps (BB, 1B, SB, Balk, 3 Hair Adjustments)

2nd – 1 Beer, 4 gulps (BB, 1B, R, 2 Pickoff Attempts)

3rd – 1 Beer (1-2-3 Inning)

4th  – 1 Beer (1-2-3 Inning)

5th – 1 Beer, 3 gulps (1B, 2B, R)

6th – 2 Beers (1-2-3 Inning, 6th inning started)

7th – 2 Beer, 2 gulps (BB, 1B, 7th inning started, R)

8th – X

9th – X

Total: 11 full beers

Thanks to KJ for keeping the scorebook tonight.

The BZDG was very successful.  Los Gigantes won and 11 full beers were consumed in a two hour time frame.  This almost qualifies as “Tucker Max Drunk.”  I hope everyone who participated had a sober ride home. 


_drunk-guy.jpg 

Los Gigantes put up NINE more runs tonight. 

The past couple of years I have grown accustomed to many oval and straight looking numbers on the scoreboard.  

I forgot what those crooked numbers look like.


crooked numbers.jpg 

My memory is starting to come back.

I have a few nice things to say to the Pittsburg Pirates franchise.

Dear Pittsburg Pirates franchise,

Oh, how I love you.  Thank you for grooming Barry Lamar.  Thank you for the Jason Schmidt/John Vanderwall for Ryan Vogelsong/Armando Rios trade.  Thank you for taking the corpse of Matt Morris (and his entire remaining contract) for Rajai Davis (who knew he would be so good?).  I am not sure if I can thank you yet for Freddy Sanchez.  I hope for your sake that Tim Alderson ends up being a solid big leaguer.  Here’s the deal, as Gigantes fans, we are used to Brian Sabean getting trade raped (save Julian Tavarez trade where Jeff Kent was the throw in).  You seem to be the ying to Sabean’s yang.  As bad as most of Sabean’s trades have been, when it comes to making deals with you, he always seems to steal gold (pardon the pun).

All my love,

Shaun

P.S. Your ballpark looks beautiful.

 

I only have one more day of work this week which will coincide with a Gigantes game.  I hope my boss does not document time theft. 

 

guilty as charged.jpg

Guilty if charged.