Tagged: David Wright

Offensive Offense

I am not easily offended, but I have been recently with Los Gigantes offense.  Los Gigantes were about 2-38 (Los Gigantes had a  1-31 going before Andres Torres came through with a RBI single on Saturday night!!) with RISP the past week which has led to a total of 10 runs in 6 games, a mighty average of 1.6 runs per contest.



Don’t be offended, this picture only represents how dirty Jonathan Sanchez has been thus far.


The week was salvaged (Los Gigantes went 2-4) by sensational pitching performances (Dirty Sanchez), excluding Todd Wellemeyer (However, it was Wellemyer’s best of his three starts this season: 4IN 2ER 3H 4BB 3SO.  What happened to his excellent control during Spring Training?).




I think Mr. Wellemeyer hit his wall even earlier than I anticipated. 



Who’s to blame for the offensive offense?


I will start with KJ.  I thought I was a jinx when I attended Los Gigantes first defeat; KJ accompanied me to the game.  KJ made the voyage to Petco for the first two games of the San Diego series, Los Gigantes lost both games.  This was not a coincidence.  My empirical evidence shows that in 2010 Los Gigantes lose every time KJ attends a regular season night game in the state of California.







There is one way to fix the jinx of KJ.  KJ and I must attend a Gigantes game outside the bankrupt state of California. 


Why must I go?


Because I can.

I think a trip to Colorado or Arizona will suffice.  Ummm, maybe not Arizona, I think I am still a wanted man after my $200 French fry fiasco.  Colorado it will be.  We need to find a weekend series and make this happen. 


The earliest weekend series in Colorado is the July 4th weekend. 


Maybe KJ can try a day game before then.


The rest of the offensive blame for the past week can be handed out to every hitter on Los Gigantes not named Pablo Sandoval or Andres Torres.  Ah heck, Ill throw in Nate Schierholtz as well, he did have an RBI infield single.



I want to shift my offensiveness of Los Gigantes’ offense to other things in life that either offend me or really ruffle my feathers.


1.  Scott Spiezo.  I hate you and your red sole-patch.  I almost felt good that you turned to drugs.



I wish F-Rod had a pitch other than a fastball.


2.  The Rally Monkey.  I hope your golden years are spent in captivity where you have to consistently dodge fecal matter thrown by Monkeys who are Gigantes fans. 




This makes me sick.


3.  Rally Monkey’s at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.  They started being sold in 2003.  Who gave the go ahead for filling the merchandise stands with Gigantes Rally Monkeys?  I am sure the person was a marketing major who never once participated in any athletic competition.  If I were St. Paul, this person would not enter the Pearly Gates.


pearly gates- not getting in.jpg


4.  October of 2002.  See 1 through 3.


5.  Subway Sandwich Chain.  Subway uses the cheapest meats, cheese, and produce available.  Do they think I would not notice?  I am a 5 year veteran (High School) of the world of delicatessens/sandwich shops.  I noticed, but still patronize your establishment because you are open until 10PM.  Darn your Jared propaganda and late night $5 footlongs.



This makes me giggle. 


6.  Anything and everything related to the Dodgers.  I even hate Carmelo Anthony’s wife because her first name is the abbreviation of Los Angeles twice in a row. 


pissonLA cartoon.jpg 

This makes me feel warm inside


7.  The guy who intentionally vomited on the Father/Daughter at the Phillies game.  Maybe this wonderful man was from that culture that Ben Stiller was referencing in “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story”.


“You know in some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there before, but I read about it… IN A BOOK!”



I could never think of such a horrid action.  This was the equivalent of urinating or defecating on someone.  Then again, he is from Philly.  Here is my first experience from a Phillies game from 2008:


My Father and I were in the second row behind the Mets dugout on July 4th, 2008 at Citizens Bank Park.  It was about 20 minutes before for first.  David Wright was playing catch in front of the dugout as he always does.  A young (7 year old) Phillies fan was sitting beside us with his Father.  He was screaming at David for an autograph.  It was Americas 232nd birthday in the city where the Declaration of Independence was signed, David felt the Americana and rewarded the young Phillie fan.  David grabbed a ball, a pen, and signed the ball.  He gently tossed the ball (Chest high, glove side) to the young fan. 


The young boy was ecstatic.  He smiled, looked at his Father, and gave David what was sure to be a big thank you.


Young Fan:  “Hey David, you can suck my Richard”  I have to edit the four letter word.


David Wright did not respond.


The boy’s Father gave his son a high-five to signal his approval. 


I understand why the vomit incident occurred in Philadelphia. 



Start ’em young! 


8.  Americans who claim another country when they were born in the United States of America. 


Yes, I am talking about you, A-Rod.



A-Rod- DR.jpg 

You were born in Miami.


9.  Steroid users who claim they juiced to heal from injuries.  I take Viagra for the blood circulation.   


10. Neck Tattoos.




neck tat.jpg



A neck tattoo says a few things:


A.  I am independently employed and wish to stay that way. 

B.  I do things my way. 

C.  I am either a Professional Athlete, Drug Dealer, or Rock Star.  If I don’t make it big in any of these three lucrative fields I will be regulated to wearing turtle necks at any respectable job.

D. I want people to think I am nuts.

E.  I am nuts.


I am sorry if I offended Ryan Roberts of the D-Backs.  Please do not hurt me.  You may be of the E. variety.


Wow, listing things that offend me almost made me forget that Renteria and The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez) are a combined 12/76 over their past 10 games.  I love it when the primary one and two hitters are raking at a .158 clip.


Maybe Los Gigantes made a mistake by shipping off F.Loser (Fred Lewis).  He is lighting it up on the Blue Birds with a line of .208/.296/.333 with 9 Ks in 24 at bats. 


Breathe Shaun, Breathe.


I am okay, the season is a marathon.   I need to ride the waves. 


I am angry I did not attend the games on Friday and Saturday against the Cardinals.  I missed out on my Gigantes wearable blanket and Pablo bobblehead.





I need one of these.


I will be scouring ebay for both.


Bring on Roy Halladay and the Phills.  I promise no Gigantes fan at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park will intentionally vomit on someone.




phillies fan who blew chunks.jpg

Too many cheesesteaks. 


I cannot make that promise about the Phillies fans.



A Gigante Scare and Impossible Expectations.

Lincecum scratched.

Lincecum-scratched.  I do not want to hear or believe those two words could be strung together.

I think I can speak for all Gigantes fans when I say that I think I had a heart attack, a stoke, or any other horrible bodily function which could lead to death.



He’s our hero.  He’s “The Freak”.  He cannot be injured.

Quite honestly I thought Lincecum might have been a robot Bud Selig created.  It would have been Bud’s second (and only second) good idea after implementing the wild card. 

My thought process was this…Bud knew fans were having a hard time identifying with the Incredible Hulk like sluggers such as our beloved Barry Lamar.  Bud invented Tim Lincecum (known as Project55) so fans could reconnect with a super human player of average stature.  Bud was sure to have Timmy make his debut during Barry Lamar’s final season in 2007. 

Perfect planning Bud!

My Dad alerted me Lincecum was scratched. 

I half joking replied with I hope Madison Bumgarner takes his spot.

My Dad informed me Bumgarner was starting.

Holy fing shizzz…. Whhhaat?

An early Christmas gift in September?



Thank you Santa. 

Bumgarner’s hype has been other worldly. 

Here are my expectations for Madison Bumgarner’s career:

 He will be a combination of Cy Young (511 wins), Randy Johnson (4,869 ks), and Jesus (Son of God).  He will also sport Bob Gibson’s 1968 ERA (1.12) for his career.



Madison Bumgarner will become the greatest pitcher and man of all time.


Those expectations seem reasonable.

I wrote a little poem for Mr. Bumgarner.


You can turn water into Wine

You can keep teams hitless through Nine

You can find the cure to the Swine

Please bring a championship before the end of my Time



How’d he do?

He did not keep the Padres hitless.  He did not turn water into wine or find the cure for the Swine flu. 

He did have a successful debut.

5.1in, 5h, 2er, 1bb, and 4ks.

He left with Los Gigantes up 3-2.

He didn’t live up to my expectations.  I can’t belive he didn’t throw a no-no with 16ks.  Jeeze…get rid of the bum!

In all seriousness.  Nice first outing kid.

There were reports he was not throwing in the mid 90s coming in.  Those reports were correct.  He was around 87-91mph for most of the game.  This may be the result of a young kid getting tired at the end of season.  He did show good poise and control. His cross-over step and low 3/4 release appear to be a hard pickup for hitters. 

If this pitching thing doesn’t work out Bumgarner can always pull a Rick Ankiel.  The kid looks like he can swing it.

I don’t want to talk about the outcome of the game.  I am 10 minutes away from Tylenol Pm’n myself to sleep.  

Losses like this keep me awake.



I am not productive at work without adequate sleep.



I have one final topic to hit on.

The new batting helmets.



David Wright and Edgar Gonzalez both went on the DL after taking pitches to their beans.  In their first at bats off the DL they were sporting some new head wear. Wright only used it for a few ABs while Gonzalez continues to don the new helmet.  Gonzalez does switch it (the new helmet) out for the old helmet while on the bases. 




I’ve seen that helmet before.  Where was that from…..ohhh, got it!



I understand these helmets will protect the melons better than the current models but they look too cartoonish.  

My friend (RT) and I came up with some other uses for the new melon protectors.

Solider (combat) helmets.  I am fairly certain they could take a direct hit from a missile.

Motorcycle helmet. Hey, it looks cool! 

Race car driver helmet. 

Special needs person helmet. I am serious- I am not an A-hole. 

Life Size Bobble head models.  Put it on anyone and have them just bob their head … Perfect.

My friends and I play in an Adult Baseball League.  I joked that I would buy the new helmets for our team (if they didn’t cost $90 each!).

RT said he’d sport one.  As long as it was ONLY in a Scandia batting cage.  RT and I know how wild the Scandia pitching machines can be. 

F U SCANDIA “High Heat” pitching machine in March of 2000.

I am sure only RT will understand that.


I am off to pass out in a Tylenol PM coma.


Barry Zito Day Drinking Game Tomorrow.