Tagged: Jayson Werth

Jedi Mind Tricks

 

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SLY
1/5/10

How do you do it Mr. Boras? 

 

You don’t negotiate.  Many times your client has little leverage.  You make teams bid against themselves. 

 

I think you are one with the force. 

 

Scott Boras: “Jasyon Werth $126 million, pay you will. Need him, you do.”

 

Mike Rizzo: “Yes Master Boras.”

 

Scott Boras: “$96 Million, Adrian Beltre needs. Pay him you will, or an Athletic become he will.”

 

Jon Daniels: “You don’t have to use your Jedi Mind Tricks on me.  I love Star Wars and since you attempted to talk like Yoda, Ill give you what you want.  Tell Adrian we are good to go.”

 

It cannot be this easy, can it?

 

Upon hearing the news of Adrian Beltre’s 6 year $96 (if 6th year option vests) I went a little NuTs.

 

I proclaimed to all in earshot:

 

“Scott Boras could get me $2 million a year.”

 

A couple of co-workers (I guess they feel obligated to listen to my baseball rants) asked me how Scott Boras would sell me to a team. 

 

Easy, I am a good Clubhouse guy.

 

Here is how Mr. Scott Boras would sell Shaun Lauren Yaple to a Major League Baseball team.

 

Scott Boras: “A lot of people say you cannot put a price on chemistry in the clubhouse, well I can.  I created a binder for Shaun Lauren Yaple to illustrate all he can bring to your clubhouse and franchise.”

 

MLB GM: “Can he hit?”

 

Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.”

 

MLB GM: “Can he field?”

 

Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.”

MLB GM: “Run?”

 

Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.”

 

MLB GM: “Character?”

 

Scott Boras: “My client has team first mentality.  This applies off the field as well.  This is where YOU will find his value.  Mr. Yaple makes friends easy, he will surly be one of your Star players new best buds.  As we know, Stars need special treatment and Mr. Yaple will be there to assist.”

 

MLB GM: “How?”

 

Scott Boras: “For example, your Star player and my client go out for a few adult beverages.  After a couple hours they decide to leave, the Star is driving.  He crashes the vehicle.  My client will gladly switch seats and take the heat.  Of course the bonus escalators kick in once a situation like this occurs.”

 

MLB GM: “It is like asset protection.  How much does this service cost?”

 

Scott Boras: “$2 Million base, $100,000 for each misdemeanor, $250,000 for a felony, $1.2 million for each year in jail, and a 25 man roster spot.  As long as there are not any Ugueth Urbina characters, this is a must for your team.”

 

MLB GM: “What kind of playing time is he looking for?”

 

Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.” 

 

MLB GM: “I will send over the contract to our Attorneys.  I am going to leak this to www.mlbtraderumors.com. Thank you for your time Mr. Boras.”

 

Scott Boras:  “If you are happy with the service Mr. Yaple provides then I have another client that will meet your needs.  Kenneth L. Jones.”

 

MLB GM: “Tell me about him.”

 

Scott Boras: “The great Yogi Berra once said “90% of Baseball is mental, the other half is physical.” My Client can take care of the 90% part.”

 

MLB GM: “How?”

 

Scott Boras: “My Client is what we in the business call an “Ego Stroker”.  An “Ego Stroker” ensures players’ confidence levels are always high, therefore taking care of the 90% of the game.”

 

MLB GM: “Explain how your client will raise the confidence levels of my players.”

 

Scott Boras:  “My client will take batting practice with each player and remind them how great they are.  My client will delve into their past and find the time when they had their greatest successful in baseball, even if their greatest success came in little league. 

 

Kenneth Jones minored in Psychology at Napa Valley College, which is home to the #1 rated collegiate psychology program in Napa County.

 

My client will also participate in every intrasquad and simulated game during the season.  My client will strategically strike out, hit into double plays, and get picked off at opportune times to maximize confidence building.

 

Kenneth Jones also has amazing taste in music.  He is an amateur DJ who can make premier party mixes that cross nationality boundaries. 

 

As a Psychology minor, my client understands the notion “If you feel good, you play good.”  Everything my client does is calculated to stroke the ego of your fragile players.”

 

MLB GM: “Wow, this is even better than your clubhouse guy.”

 

Scott Boras: “Not better, it’s a different service. Both are highly trained and are the best at what they do.”

 

MLB GM: “What’s Kenneth Jones going to cost me?”

 

Scott Boras: “$1.5 million base, and $100k for every player with a +league average OPS, $100k for every positive UZR rating, and $1000 for every confidently screamed F-Yeah, and a 25 man roster spot.

 

MLB GM:  “What constitutes a confidently screamed F-Yeah?”

 

Scott Boras: “My accountant will be tracking the confidently screamed F-Yeahs.”

 

MLB GM: “I’ll have my lawyer draw up the contract.”

 

Scott Boras: “No need, I actually have the contracts for Shaun Yaple and Kenneth Jones drawn up, signed by the two players, and with the bonuses we agreed on.  All you have to do is sign here, here, here, here, and here.”

 

MLB GM: “Uhhh, Okay…Wait, are you sure these are the bonuses we agreed on?”

 

Scott Boras: “Sign you will. In demand, they are high.”

 

MLB GM: “Yes, Master Boras. Do you have any clients who actually play baseball?”

 

Scott Boras: “Of course I do, I have one of the most dominant young closers in baseball, Rafael Soriano. I am sure you are interested…”

 

….And that is how Master Scott Boras operates.

 

 

My favorite Three Bs items of the week.

 

Best Moment of the Week:

 

KJ called me at 1AM on Monday morning and awoke me with his musical stylings of this song:                                          


KJ also delivered the quote of the week when describing his actions afterward.

 

 

KJ: “It gave me a false sense that I was doing something right.”

 

 

Happy New Year!

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What is She Werth?

Hey All- I have created a new home for “The Three Bs”.  It will be hosted at http://www.the-three-bs.com 

I would appreciate if you checked it out. Thanks- Shaun 

Here at “The Three Bs” we believe that most situations in the world can be related back to baseball.

With that stated, I will break down this off-season’s free agent signings as they relate to men’s relationships with woman in the real world.  At 27 years old, I am obviously an expert.

The Team will be the man and the Player will be the woman. 


The Boston Red Sox and Carl Crawford (7 years $142 Million):

The Red Sox are a rich and handsome man who has an inferiority complex because of losing every whiffel-ball game to his rival (Yankees) as a child.  As an adult, he still feels the need to beat his rival at any cost.  If his rival (Yanks) is thinking about breaking up with his longtime girl (Mo Rivera), he will swoop in and try to steal her away.  He also wants what his rival wants.  He heard his rival took out Ms. Crawford on an expensive date, and the conversation was excellent.  He immediately calls Ms. Crawford and makes her an offer she cannot refuse.

Here’s the phone call:

Red Sox:  “Look babe, you are smoking hot.  I want you.  I want you all to myself.  We can do this.  I’ll make it worth your while.  How about I give you $142 million to stay with me for the next 7 years?”

Ms. Crawford: “You’re making a grown woman blush.  I don’t know what to say.”

Red Sox: “Say Yes!”

Ms. Crawford: “Yesssss, you made me the happiest girl from Houston.”

The Red Sox got the hottest girl in the free agent class in her prime.  Ms. Crawford should age well and still be attractive in the final years. It’s a huge commitment, but will prove to be worth it.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).

RIP EUGENE GREER. A.K.A. JORDAN CHASE. 

The Washington Nationals and Jayson Werth (7 years $126 Million):

The Nationals are an unattractive overweight man without much personality who recently has inherited substantial wealth.  Ms. Werth is attractive, but not beautiful.  She would interest most suitors but have turned most of them off because of her exaggerated self worth.  The two were set up by a mutual friend (Scott Boras).  Ms. Werth showed a enough interest where he thought he might be able to get an nice “old fashion” out of the deal.  After Ms. Werth put her hand on his, he blurted:

“7 years for $126 Million.”

Mr. Boras (chaperoning) sitting at the table reached into his pocket and produced a pen.  He handed it to Ms. Werth.

Ms. Werth knew she was doing this for money.  She sacrificed happiness for everlasting financial freedom.

She never said a word, she just signed the contract.

In the words of the Great Gary Radnich: “126 Million……126 Million….. REALLLYYY? ONNE-HUUUNNDRED TWEEENNNTY-SIX MILLION?”

…and I thought the Aaron Rowand deal was bad in 2008 for Los Gigantes.

For Kicks:

Jayson Werth (2010), 31 Years Old .296/.388/.532 46 2Bs 27 HRs and 85 RBI

Aaron Rowand (2007), 30 Years Old .309/.374/.515 45 2Bs 27 HRs and 89 RBI

Hurry Mr. Harper, you will be needed.

The Philadelphia Phillies and Cliff Lee (5 years $120 Million):

The Phillies are the attractive guy who once used and abused a beautiful girl.  Ms. Lee was very good to him, she gave everything she had, and was sent packing.  He left Ms. Lee for a very enticing reason (Doc Holladay) but missed her dearly.&n
bsp; 
He kept thinking what could have been if he kept her around.  Ms. Lee was back on the market and had many serious suitors.  He thought he had no chance.  Her new boyfriend tried to convince her to stay (Rangers) and the super attractive billionaire (Yankees) tried to lure her in.  He thought he’d text her on a whim to see if she still had feelings. He knew it was a one-in-a-million chance. But hell, one-in-a-million means there is a chance.

To his surprise, Ms. Lee not only text back but wanted to reconcile.  She stated how she longed for the comfort of the love she once knew. She went back to him even though he treated her like a tramp.

The lesson is simple. Girls love ********. 

Why play the 2011 season? Just throw the Phills and Red Sox in the series.

The Chicago White Sox and Adam Dunn (4 years $56 Million):

It’s simple.  The White Sox are the guy who likes big **** (HRs). Ms. Dunn has big ****.  He offered her the most, and she didn’t refuse. 

The **** will not sag in Chicago.  He will get what he paid for, lots of ****.

The New York Yankees and Derek Jeter (3 years $51 Million):

He has been married to Ms. Jeter for 15+ years, her looks are starting to go, and her spunky personality is getting a little tired.  She wants a lavish anniversary present.  He usually reserves lavish gifts for girls he is trying to pursue.  

He is annoyed that Ms. Jeter still views herself at the peak of powers.  Ultimately, he decides that the lavish gift is beneficial over a very messy and public divorce.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).

RIP EUGENE GREER. A.K.A. JORDAN CHASE. 

The Chicago White Sox and Paul Konerko (3 years $37.5 million):

He has been married to Ms. Konerko for 10+ years and things are going great.  The last year might have been their best year of marriage. Ms. Konerko is loyal and just wanted to be treated fairly.  He obliged, deal done.

The New York Yankees and Mariano Rivera (2 years $30 Million):

He is gorgeous, she is gorgeous, and they both need each other.  Another attractive man tried to swoop in (Red Sox) but He knew it wouldn’t matter.  They both wanted and needed each other.

Los Gigantes de San Francisco and Aubrey Huff (2 years 22 Million):

They met by necessity in early 2010.  She needed a home, he needed a warm body.  Neither was too attracted to each other at first.  A funny thing happened over the next year.  He realized Ms. Huff had a great personality and looked amazing in a red thong.  She realized that she not only had a place to stay but found a home as well.  The two will be very happy for the next couple years.

The Los Angeles Dodgers and Juan Uribe (3 years $21 Million):

He watched his biggest rival (Gigantes) reach the pinnacle with Ms. Uribe.  She isn’t a natural beauty but can look damn good when she gets made up. Ms. Uribe has never been given a real commitment.  He decided to reach out and steal her heart with promises of champagne and beaches. Ms. Uribe decided she “just wanted to chill” and took him up on his offer.  Her former lover tried a last second effort to reel her back in but it was too late.  The Lebronafication had already set it.  She was all set to chill in LaLa land.

The Oakland A’s and Hideki Matsui (1 year $4.25 Million):

He really wanted to get with an Asian.  He’s been trying all year.  He first tried with a high priced newly imported woman (Hisashi Iwakuma) and then had to settle with the easier target in Ms. Matsui.

Bottom line: He will get into bed with an Asian.

Los Gigantes de San Francisco and Pat Burrell (1 year $1 Million):

He met her at a bar while she was intoxicated with reminisce of puke on her shirt.  Considering her state, she didn’t look half bad.  He went to her place from the bar as she was “DTF”. 

He was a little surprised when she pulled out the gimp suit for him to wear.  S&M was new to him, he liked it.  He signed up for one more year.

The New York Yankees and Mark Prior (1 year $850k):

He wasn’t that attractive in high school, she was the prom queen.  She’s added a good 45lbs to her frame since her prime.  He still sees her for what she used to be. 

“If she got to the gym she could be smoking hot again.”

The problem is that Ms. Prior hasn’t been to the gym since 2006 (last appearance in MLB) and has no desires to get back.  She is happy getting paid on the slight chance she might make it into the gym and get into shape.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).

RIP EUGENE GREER. A.K.A. JORDAN CHASE.