Tagged: Todd Wellemeyer

Offensive Offense

I am not easily offended, but I have been recently with Los Gigantes offense.  Los Gigantes were about 2-38 (Los Gigantes had a  1-31 going before Andres Torres came through with a RBI single on Saturday night!!) with RISP the past week which has led to a total of 10 runs in 6 games, a mighty average of 1.6 runs per contest.

 


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Don’t be offended, this picture only represents how dirty Jonathan Sanchez has been thus far.

 

The week was salvaged (Los Gigantes went 2-4) by sensational pitching performances (Dirty Sanchez), excluding Todd Wellemeyer (However, it was Wellemyer’s best of his three starts this season: 4IN 2ER 3H 4BB 3SO.  What happened to his excellent control during Spring Training?).

 

 

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I think Mr. Wellemeyer hit his wall even earlier than I anticipated. 

 

 

Who’s to blame for the offensive offense?

 

I will start with KJ.  I thought I was a jinx when I attended Los Gigantes first defeat; KJ accompanied me to the game.  KJ made the voyage to Petco for the first two games of the San Diego series, Los Gigantes lost both games.  This was not a coincidence.  My empirical evidence shows that in 2010 Los Gigantes lose every time KJ attends a regular season night game in the state of California.

 

 

 

monopoly_man_bankrupt.gif

 

 

There is one way to fix the jinx of KJ.  KJ and I must attend a Gigantes game outside the bankrupt state of California. 

 

Why must I go?

 

Because I can.

I think a trip to Colorado or Arizona will suffice.  Ummm, maybe not Arizona, I think I am still a wanted man after my $200 French fry fiasco.  Colorado it will be.  We need to find a weekend series and make this happen. 

 

The earliest weekend series in Colorado is the July 4th weekend. 

 

Maybe KJ can try a day game before then.

 

The rest of the offensive blame for the past week can be handed out to every hitter on Los Gigantes not named Pablo Sandoval or Andres Torres.  Ah heck, Ill throw in Nate Schierholtz as well, he did have an RBI infield single.

 

 

I want to shift my offensiveness of Los Gigantes’ offense to other things in life that either offend me or really ruffle my feathers.

 

1.  Scott Spiezo.  I hate you and your red sole-patch.  I almost felt good that you turned to drugs.

 


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I wish F-Rod had a pitch other than a fastball.

 

2.  The Rally Monkey.  I hope your golden years are spent in captivity where you have to consistently dodge fecal matter thrown by Monkeys who are Gigantes fans. 

 


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This makes me sick.

 

3.  Rally Monkey’s at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.  They started being sold in 2003.  Who gave the go ahead for filling the merchandise stands with Gigantes Rally Monkeys?  I am sure the person was a marketing major who never once participated in any athletic competition.  If I were St. Paul, this person would not enter the Pearly Gates.

 

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4.  October of 2002.  See 1 through 3.

 

5.  Subway Sandwich Chain.  Subway uses the cheapest meats, cheese, and produce available.  Do they think I would not notice?  I am a 5 year veteran (High School) of the world of delicatessens/sandwich shops.  I noticed, but still patronize your establishment because you are open until 10PM.  Darn your Jared propaganda and late night $5 footlongs.

 


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This makes me giggle. 

 

6.  Anything and everything related to the Dodgers.  I even hate Carmelo Anthony’s wife because her first name is the abbreviation of Los Angeles twice in a row. 

 


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This makes me feel warm inside

 

7.  The guy who intentionally vomited on the Father/Daughter at the Phillies game.  Maybe this wonderful man was from that culture that Ben Stiller was referencing in “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story”.

 

“You know in some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there before, but I read about it… IN A BOOK!”

 

 

I could never think of such a horrid action.  This was the equivalent of urinating or defecating on someone.  Then again, he is from Philly.  Here is my first experience from a Phillies game from 2008:

 

My Father and I were in the second row behind the Mets dugout on July 4th, 2008 at Citizens Bank Park.  It was about 20 minutes before for first.  David Wright was playing catch in front of the dugout as he always does.  A young (7 year old) Phillies fan was sitting beside us with his Father.  He was screaming at David for an autograph.  It was Americas 232nd birthday in the city where the Declaration of Independence was signed, David felt the Americana and rewarded the young Phillie fan.  David grabbed a ball, a pen, and signed the ball.  He gently tossed the ball (Chest high, glove side) to the young fan. 

 

The young boy was ecstatic.  He smiled, looked at his Father, and gave David what was sure to be a big thank you.

 

Young Fan:  “Hey David, you can suck my Richard”  I have to edit the four letter word.

 

David Wright did not respond.

 

The boy’s Father gave his son a high-five to signal his approval. 

 

I understand why the vomit incident occurred in Philadelphia. 

 


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Start ’em young! 

 

8.  Americans who claim another country when they were born in the United States of America. 

 

Yes, I am talking about you, A-Rod.

 

 


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You were born in Miami.

 

9.  Steroid users who claim they juiced to heal from injuries.  I take Viagra for the blood circulation.   

 

10. Neck Tattoos.

 

 

 

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Whhyyyyyyyyyyyy???

 

A neck tattoo says a few things:

 

A.  I am independently employed and wish to stay that way. 

B.  I do things my way. 

C.  I am either a Professional Athlete, Drug Dealer, or Rock Star.  If I don’t make it big in any of these three lucrative fields I will be regulated to wearing turtle necks at any respectable job.

D. I want people to think I am nuts.

E.  I am nuts.

 

I am sorry if I offended Ryan Roberts of the D-Backs.  Please do not hurt me.  You may be of the E. variety.

 

Wow, listing things that offend me almost made me forget that Renteria and The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez) are a combined 12/76 over their past 10 games.  I love it when the primary one and two hitters are raking at a .158 clip.

 

Maybe Los Gigantes made a mistake by shipping off F.Loser (Fred Lewis).  He is lighting it up on the Blue Birds with a line of .208/.296/.333 with 9 Ks in 24 at bats. 

 

Breathe Shaun, Breathe.

 

I am okay, the season is a marathon.   I need to ride the waves. 

 

I am angry I did not attend the games on Friday and Saturday against the Cardinals.  I missed out on my Gigantes wearable blanket and Pablo bobblehead.

 

 

 

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I need one of these.

 

I will be scouring ebay for both.

 

Bring on Roy Halladay and the Phills.  I promise no Gigantes fan at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park will intentionally vomit on someone.

 

 

 

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Too many cheesesteaks. 

 

I cannot make that promise about the Phillies fans.

 

 

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