Tagged: Carl Crawford

What is She Werth?

Hey All- I have created a new home for “The Three Bs”.  It will be hosted at http://www.the-three-bs.com 

I would appreciate if you checked it out. Thanks- Shaun 

Here at “The Three Bs” we believe that most situations in the world can be related back to baseball.

With that stated, I will break down this off-season’s free agent signings as they relate to men’s relationships with woman in the real world.  At 27 years old, I am obviously an expert.

The Team will be the man and the Player will be the woman. 


The Boston Red Sox and Carl Crawford (7 years $142 Million):

The Red Sox are a rich and handsome man who has an inferiority complex because of losing every whiffel-ball game to his rival (Yankees) as a child.  As an adult, he still feels the need to beat his rival at any cost.  If his rival (Yanks) is thinking about breaking up with his longtime girl (Mo Rivera), he will swoop in and try to steal her away.  He also wants what his rival wants.  He heard his rival took out Ms. Crawford on an expensive date, and the conversation was excellent.  He immediately calls Ms. Crawford and makes her an offer she cannot refuse.

Here’s the phone call:

Red Sox:  “Look babe, you are smoking hot.  I want you.  I want you all to myself.  We can do this.  I’ll make it worth your while.  How about I give you $142 million to stay with me for the next 7 years?”

Ms. Crawford: “You’re making a grown woman blush.  I don’t know what to say.”

Red Sox: “Say Yes!”

Ms. Crawford: “Yesssss, you made me the happiest girl from Houston.”

The Red Sox got the hottest girl in the free agent class in her prime.  Ms. Crawford should age well and still be attractive in the final years. It’s a huge commitment, but will prove to be worth it.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).

RIP EUGENE GREER. A.K.A. JORDAN CHASE. 

The Washington Nationals and Jayson Werth (7 years $126 Million):

The Nationals are an unattractive overweight man without much personality who recently has inherited substantial wealth.  Ms. Werth is attractive, but not beautiful.  She would interest most suitors but have turned most of them off because of her exaggerated self worth.  The two were set up by a mutual friend (Scott Boras).  Ms. Werth showed a enough interest where he thought he might be able to get an nice “old fashion” out of the deal.  After Ms. Werth put her hand on his, he blurted:

“7 years for $126 Million.”

Mr. Boras (chaperoning) sitting at the table reached into his pocket and produced a pen.  He handed it to Ms. Werth.

Ms. Werth knew she was doing this for money.  She sacrificed happiness for everlasting financial freedom.

She never said a word, she just signed the contract.

In the words of the Great Gary Radnich: “126 Million……126 Million….. REALLLYYY? ONNE-HUUUNNDRED TWEEENNNTY-SIX MILLION?”

…and I thought the Aaron Rowand deal was bad in 2008 for Los Gigantes.

For Kicks:

Jayson Werth (2010), 31 Years Old .296/.388/.532 46 2Bs 27 HRs and 85 RBI

Aaron Rowand (2007), 30 Years Old .309/.374/.515 45 2Bs 27 HRs and 89 RBI

Hurry Mr. Harper, you will be needed.

The Philadelphia Phillies and Cliff Lee (5 years $120 Million):

The Phillies are the attractive guy who once used and abused a beautiful girl.  Ms. Lee was very good to him, she gave everything she had, and was sent packing.  He left Ms. Lee for a very enticing reason (Doc Holladay) but missed her dearly.&n
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He kept thinking what could have been if he kept her around.  Ms. Lee was back on the market and had many serious suitors.  He thought he had no chance.  Her new boyfriend tried to convince her to stay (Rangers) and the super attractive billionaire (Yankees) tried to lure her in.  He thought he’d text her on a whim to see if she still had feelings. He knew it was a one-in-a-million chance. But hell, one-in-a-million means there is a chance.

To his surprise, Ms. Lee not only text back but wanted to reconcile.  She stated how she longed for the comfort of the love she once knew. She went back to him even though he treated her like a tramp.

The lesson is simple. Girls love ********. 

Why play the 2011 season? Just throw the Phills and Red Sox in the series.

The Chicago White Sox and Adam Dunn (4 years $56 Million):

It’s simple.  The White Sox are the guy who likes big **** (HRs). Ms. Dunn has big ****.  He offered her the most, and she didn’t refuse. 

The **** will not sag in Chicago.  He will get what he paid for, lots of ****.

The New York Yankees and Derek Jeter (3 years $51 Million):

He has been married to Ms. Jeter for 15+ years, her looks are starting to go, and her spunky personality is getting a little tired.  She wants a lavish anniversary present.  He usually reserves lavish gifts for girls he is trying to pursue.  

He is annoyed that Ms. Jeter still views herself at the peak of powers.  Ultimately, he decides that the lavish gift is beneficial over a very messy and public divorce.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).

RIP EUGENE GREER. A.K.A. JORDAN CHASE. 

The Chicago White Sox and Paul Konerko (3 years $37.5 million):

He has been married to Ms. Konerko for 10+ years and things are going great.  The last year might have been their best year of marriage. Ms. Konerko is loyal and just wanted to be treated fairly.  He obliged, deal done.

The New York Yankees and Mariano Rivera (2 years $30 Million):

He is gorgeous, she is gorgeous, and they both need each other.  Another attractive man tried to swoop in (Red Sox) but He knew it wouldn’t matter.  They both wanted and needed each other.

Los Gigantes de San Francisco and Aubrey Huff (2 years 22 Million):

They met by necessity in early 2010.  She needed a home, he needed a warm body.  Neither was too attracted to each other at first.  A funny thing happened over the next year.  He realized Ms. Huff had a great personality and looked amazing in a red thong.  She realized that she not only had a place to stay but found a home as well.  The two will be very happy for the next couple years.

The Los Angeles Dodgers and Juan Uribe (3 years $21 Million):

He watched his biggest rival (Gigantes) reach the pinnacle with Ms. Uribe.  She isn’t a natural beauty but can look damn good when she gets made up. Ms. Uribe has never been given a real commitment.  He decided to reach out and steal her heart with promises of champagne and beaches. Ms. Uribe decided she “just wanted to chill” and took him up on his offer.  Her former lover tried a last second effort to reel her back in but it was too late.  The Lebronafication had already set it.  She was all set to chill in LaLa land.

The Oakland A’s and Hideki Matsui (1 year $4.25 Million):

He really wanted to get with an Asian.  He’s been trying all year.  He first tried with a high priced newly imported woman (Hisashi Iwakuma) and then had to settle with the easier target in Ms. Matsui.

Bottom line: He will get into bed with an Asian.

Los Gigantes de San Francisco and Pat Burrell (1 year $1 Million):

He met her at a bar while she was intoxicated with reminisce of puke on her shirt.  Considering her state, she didn’t look half bad.  He went to her place from the bar as she was “DTF”. 

He was a little surprised when she pulled out the gimp suit for him to wear.  S&M was new to him, he liked it.  He signed up for one more year.

The New York Yankees and Mark Prior (1 year $850k):

He wasn’t that attractive in high school, she was the prom queen.  She’s added a good 45lbs to her frame since her prime.  He still sees her for what she used to be. 

“If she got to the gym she could be smoking hot again.”

The problem is that Ms. Prior hasn’t been to the gym since 2006 (last appearance in MLB) and has no desires to get back.  She is happy getting paid on the slight chance she might make it into the gym and get into shape.

Tick, tick, tick, that’s the sound of your World Series life running out (Yankees).

RIP EUGENE GREER. A.K.A. JORDAN CHASE.  

Idiot Tax

 

Spring Training…Training

Todd Wellemeyer has shoved in the desert.  He has logged 15 innings yielding only 2 earned runs.  His control has also been in midseason form with only two free passes.  His only blemish this spring has been his low strikeout total of four.  He deserves to start the season as the fifth starter.   I want Gigantes fans to understand why he is performing so well after a disastrous 2009 campaign in which Wellemeyer went 7-10 with a 5.89 ERA.

Todd Wellemeyer is pitching for his professional baseball life.

One year after notching 13 wins and respectable 3.71 ERA for the Cardinals, Wellemeyer found himself signing a minor league deal with Los Gigantes. 

Wellemeyer knew he needed a bounce back year if he was going to extend his MLB career.  He did what many pitchers do when they need to impress an organization in Spring Training.  He began his throwing program early.  He is simply ahead of the hitters at this time.  The red flag that he has been throwing for a while is his control this spring.  Control is the last thing to come back for pitchers when they are getting back into game shape.  Look at Tim Lincecum and his 8 base on balls in 7 2/3 innings thus far in Spring Training for evidence.

Kevin Pucetas looks like he followed the same game plan as Wellemeyer.  He has been outstanding this spring (9IN, 0ER, 3K, and 0BB).  Pucetas has gone 42-13 in his minor league career with a 3.20 ERA.  He did struggle in AAA but appeared to figure it out later in the season.  He is now 25 years of age.  I am certain we (Gigantes fans) will see him sometime this season.

I would give the edge to Wellemeyer over Pucetas to start the season based on experience.  I am emphasizing start the season for a valid reason.  


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Wellemeyer will most likely fall on his face in late July or early August.  His fantastic spring will be his downfall.  He has been fantastic because his early throwing program has gotten him into game shape a month before he will pitch in a meaningful game.

Good for Todd Wellemeyer.  He did what he had to do to make the team.  I hope Los Gigantes ride him out as long as they can.  Los Gigantes will pull the plug on Wellemeyer once there are signs of fatigue in the second half and most likely insert Pucetas (I hope he doesn’t fall on his face because his early throwing program as well) or Madison Bumgarner (who did not throw during the off-season.  His rust is evident).

 

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Okay, that’s enough Todd Wellemeyer talk.  I bet KJ I could write at least two pages on him.  I wrote one and put myself to sleep. 

 

St. Patty’s Day Fun

How great are fake holidays that are all about drinking to excess?  St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo are two of my favorite days of the year.  Guinness and Jameson, there are not many things that are better.  I had my first Irish Car Bomb at 5:00AM on St. Patrick’s Day. 


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Yes, 5:00AM.

In my defense, I got off work at 4:00AM.  I had to celebrate before I went to sleep.

RT (who works for the best rental car company in the world), had four seats in the corporate luxury box at the Warriors game.  Instead of taking clients (like most employees do when they get tickets in the box), RT did what any real man would do.  He took his boys.  Good effing deal. 

We (RT, KJ, JRAM, and I) got to Oracle around 6:00PM.  We had time to pre-game and we were prepared. 

We got to park in the players parking lot. 

KJ looked the part.  He was dressed business casual.


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The Tux-Shirt is the mullet of the T-Shirt world.  It says I am all business, but ready to party.

We looked around.

SLY:  “I am glad we took RT’s car.  At least it’s a Mercedes from the past 5 years.”

KJ: “Yeah, our rides would look weird in here.”

RT:  “I am glad we drove my car.”

RT didn’t hear me but we were all thinking the same thing. 

RT: “Are we allowed to drink in this parking lot?”

SLY: “We’re in a luxury box.  They don’t know we didn’t pay for the thing.  I’ll tell them we paid 5k for the box to watch their horrible team.  We’re drinking here.”

Crack.  Crack.  Crack.  Three Silver Bullets ready to rock.

A security guard came over about 10 minutes later.  He told us we can’t drink in this parking lot. 

Warrior players and coaches are on http://www.drunkathlete.com.  Maybe the security officer was afraid we would offer Monta a cold one.

 

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This is when the Dubs were competitive. 

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Nellie would have joined us for a cold one in the player’s parking lot

I wussied out on telling off the security guard.

We finished our brews and KJ and I even got in some Gentleman Jack, you know, because we are gentleman.  We wouldn’t be allowed to drink Gentleman Jack if we were not.  Words don’t lie. 

We made our way into Oracle.  We headed for the bar to pay $9 for a 3.2 alc% Bud Light. 

Awesome.

KJ did learn an important lesson.  Do not ever attempt a shuffle step with two full beers in hand.  Always go with the cross over step.  The shuffle step is a 2 ounce mistake with a chance of complete embarrassment.

The Luxury box was awesome.  The game started.  Warriors’ basketball is not awesome.  I did give myself a financial rooting interest.  Anthony Tolliver had 16 points in the first six minutes. 

SLY: “If Tolliver goes over 30 I am purchasing his jersey for myself and anyone else who wants one.”

I immediately regretted my drunken offer.  There were a couple takers.  JRAM was now a huge Tolliver fan as he wanted to see me shell out good coin for a player who I will most likely have no recollection of in twelve hours.

The Warriors were down by double digits at halftime.  Tolliver didn’t do anything after the first 6 minutes.  I was safe for the moment.

The Halftime entertainment was great, wheelchair basketball.

These guys were gamers.  I was amazed how they would run plays without hitting the other chairs.  It was fun to watch.

We did notice that there wasn’t much dribbling. 

KJ: “What constitutes traveling?”  

SLY: “Two full rolls of the wheel. I mean, if it is two steps in leg basketball.”

KJ: “Sure, I’ll accept that.”

Then it happened, a break away.  There was a free path to the basket.

Only one thought came to mind.

 

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This is what I thought was going to happen.  I was let down.

SLY: “THROW IT DOWN!!!”

Silence overcame the box.  RT’s boss looked at me in a way that made me feel uneasy.  There wasn’t much laughter.  JRAM just shook his head. 

I will have a lot to explain at the pearly gates.

 

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I flagged down our server.  I ordered a six pack.  It was $35 bucks.  At this point, I felt like I deserved to pay $6 a beer to continue to drink. 

I am calling it the Idiot Tax. 

I have an idea for drinking at professional games.  After your 4th beer, an idiot tax is applied.  For each beer after the fourth the concession will add $1 to the original price.  Example, if a beer cost $7, the fifth beer would be $8, the sixth $9, and so on.   A black permanent marker could be used on the right wrist of the consumer.

Idiots like me and my friends will still pay for the beer.  Make me and all idiots pay a steeper price for our drunkenness.  If this led to Los Gigantes signing Carl Crawford next year, I would drink and gladly pay the Idiot Tax until I passed out.

 

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Batting 3rd for your 2011 Los Gigantes de San Francisco… Carl Crawford. 

These are the thoughts that roam freely in my head while I am intoxicated. 

Oh yeah, the second half!

I was only concerned with Anthony Tolliver’s point total.

He was heating up in the fourth quarter.

His point total climbed to 27 points.  He was hitting threes.   He hit another one.  30 EFFFing points for Anthony Tolliver, are you kidding me?  I was praying to God that he would not score another point.  There was a minute and a half left. 

God listened.  Tolliver ended the game with 30 points.

The Warriors came back from down 20.  Good Stuff.

Thank you RT.

SPRING TRAINGING TRIP 

My annual Spring Training trip will kick off next Thursday morning.  I am looking forward to the excess booze and baseball.  My first game will be Thursday night with Los Gigantes vs. The A’s.  I will be rocking my Lincecum wig and jersey. 

I hope I will get to see Barry Zito pitch so I can play the “Barry Zito Drinking Game” for the first time this year.

I have a goal to get a large group to participate in the BZDG at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park this season.

Let me know if you want to join in the fun.

I have to give big props to KJ.  After weeks of scouring Damon Bruce Podcasts, KJ has finally pirated one of our favorite sound bites of all time.  Annie’s “Pound it”.

I am proud of you and I have already used it in inappropriate situations.

                                                              


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Click and Save this sound bite.  It is the ultimate text message alert.

OYYYIII-OYYYIII-OYYYIII