Tagged: Pablo Sandoval

Hello Postseason, May I come in?

Knock. Knock.


Who’s there?


The Postseason.


Who, what, come again?


The Postseason, I understand we haven’t seen each other in quite some time.


It’s been 7 years.  I didn’t think I would ever see you again.  Champagne to celebrate?



2003 was the last time los Gigantes made a postseason appearance. 


Flashback to 2003:


I was a 20 year old college baseball player, unable to legally purchase alcohol, gamble, or rent a car. 


2003 was also the year I got kicked out of Pac Bell Park when I interfered and “ruined baseball.” 


Skip (Head Baseball Coach at Napa Valley College) gave RT and I his front row bleacher seats over the Yahoo! sign.  The game was 8-1 (Marlins lead) in the bottom of the 7th.  Jeffery Hammonds (who was playing for Barry Lamar) hit a ball deep to left-center field.  The ball was coming straight for us.  It became apparent the ball was going to be a little short (Guess he was the only Gigante not taking advantage of BALCO).  I reached over the fence, and stretched, and then stretched some more.  My torso was completely over the fence with my arm outstretched as far as possible.  The ball hit the edge of the webbing of my PRO-ALMC model SSK and fell down to the warning track.


If Jeffery looked like this, I would have caught the ball and not been humiliated.  

I lifted my torso back up, and was immediately booed by 40,000 Gigantes fans.  The intoxicated bleacher bum in the row behind us began pounding his fist into my back and screamed:


IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!!”


SLY: “It’s an 8-1 game, it was going to be a double anyways!”


IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!”


An Usher quickly came to escort me (RT came too) out of the ballpark for “ruining baseball”.  As I was being escorted out, 40,000 people began to cheer. 


I was being cheered, to leave.  Humiliating. 


As I took one look back to the field where I was being banished from, the young leftfielder of the Marlins, Miguel Cabrera gave me an appreciative thumbs up. 


You’re welcome Miguel.


The worst part wasn’t over.


My phone started to ring, and ring, and ring some more.


Dad: “What the hell were you doing?  Kruk circled, and then eliminated you.”

w-krukow + kuiper.jpg


I had this same call throughout the rest of the day.


I was on SportsCenter for the 2nd time (I have now been on 3 times, the third time was almost as embarrassing, another day another blog).


The cherry on top- The next day (Monday) I went to the cafeteria to get some lunch before baseball practice.  As I was purchasing my meal the lunch lady looked at me and said:


“If you are going to go over the fence, catch it, MEAT.”


I have not brought my glove to a professional ballgame since.


To end the 2003 flashback, the Marlins beat los Gigantes in the NLDS and went on to win the World Series.


The Marlins have been in the postseason twice (both Wild Cards) in their 17 year existence, have beaten los Gigantes in the NLDS both times, and went on to win the World Series both times.


Symmetry is disgusting.


Flash forward back to 2010.  Los Gigantes are one Dub-Ya away from poppin’ some bubbly. 


Asta La Bye-Bye Fathers.


Mad-Bum fought though his start for his first W at Pac-Bell/SBC/AT&T Park on Thursday. 


Los Gigantes again scored all of their runs off Jimmy Jacks.  It is as exciting as it is flawed.


…I really want to get back to Wednesday.


Los Gigantes and I had great days.


I was unable to watch the game, as KJ, RT, LJ, and I had tickets to watch the Black Keys perform at the Fox Theater.

Pat the Bat hit the 3-run Jimmy Jack during the opening act (The Black Seeds, solid act).  After the first 2 innings Timmy was in full control, we felt like the game was over.  It was. 


3-1 Gigantes. 


The Black Keys came to the stage.


Holy Smokes (Too bad Timmy couldn’t join in the fun).  

Timmy Smoke.jpg

I got ear EFFF’d by the Black Keys and loved every second of it.


As I enjoyed the love being made to my ears, I was able to draw one comparison between The Black Keys and los Gigantes.


Both played as a team with unparalleled confidence.


Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney are a team, a great team, and they get each other.  They diverge and extend their tracks when they see fit.  As a spectator, you can see them (Dan to Patrick) making eye contact, an unspoken sign that signifies where they will go next.


Los Gigantes are playing their best and most confident baseball of the year.  The 2010 version of los Gigantes has to be one of the best chemistry teams in San Francisco history.


KJ, RT, LJ, and I all left the Fox Theater in a state of nirvana. 


We were really hungry for some reason.


animal in n out.jpg

In N Out to the rescue.





As KJ and I were sitting on the couch during Thursday’s game, we started talking about the postseason roster and who would fill it out.


I asked him and RT to e-mail me their 25 man rosters.  I wanted to see how our rosters stacked up to Boch’s.


KJ and RT’s Roster were identical.  I truly think this is the 25 man roster Bochy will run with.  RT also added that he would add Chris Ray and sub Renteria in the 2nd round.  If los Gigantes are fortunate enough get to the 2nd round, where I expect them to face the Fight’n Phils, I would like to see another lefty in the pen.



































I want to know one item before I make my final decision.  Does Bochy plan on starting Zito in a playoff series?


If Bochy plans on starting Zito, than this is the roster I would run with.


If Bochy does not plan on starting Zito, there is no use for him on this roster.  He cannot come out of the bullpen.  It takes him 50-75 throws to get loose.  I am sure most would agree that Zito is the weak link of our starters. 


If Zito is not used at as a starter, I would add Dan Runzler to the 25 man roster.  Lefty Power arms are scarce; los Gigantes already have one with Jeremy Affeldt, two would be deadly late in games (Phillies anyone?).


By the way, it looks like Jeremy joined the “Just for Men” beard team as well.


It would also be humorous to have $30 million dollars left off the postseason roster (Zito and Rowand).


Bochy will probably name Zito the 2 or 3 starter, citing his experience and MadBum will take the roster spot where I would place Runzler.


We will find out by Tuesday.


The postseason door is open, los Gigantes just have to walk through.


I can almost taste the cheap champagne and beer.





Death Threats and Missing Andy

I received threats on my life from a customer at work tonight.  The threats were valid enough that the police had to be informed, yet this is not what is on my mind. 


What is?


Los Gigantes lack of offense.  It is disturbing, frustrating, and irritating.


My in-game BBM (Blackberry Messenger) chat with KJ and RT was negative.  We all Negative Nates.  Nobody liked Nate Schieroltz pinch hitting for Timmy in the 5th (it smelt of desperation but the bullpen made the move work).  Pablo and Juan’s at bats were absolute garbage. 


I have decided that Pablo and Juan (I still love Juan) must believe they are playing cricket.




Pablo gets these crazy eyes with men on base.


They have to protect the ball from hitting the three sticks behind them.  This is the only way I can rationalize why they continue to swing at balls in the dirt.  


We all agreed on one thing, we miss Andres Vungo Torres.


How important is Andy?  His absence proves his worth.  He might be our MVP.  Screw it, he is our MVP.  He is the glue that holds the team together.  Without Andy our corner outfield defense is exposed for what it is (two slow DH guys), and our lineup has been held together by duct tape. 




This may be the first time in the existence of duct tape that it has not been able to hold something together.


Get well soon Andy.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.


KJ (who is always the optimist) penned a short note to Los Gigantes.


Dear Giants,


Do you realize you’re in a pennant race?  I know Andy is out of the lineup and he is the spark plug, but in the meantime, score some f”ing runs.




Kenneth Lawrence Jones


Los Gigantes may want to give KJ a call; his 9 taters lead the San Jose NABA this season. 


Los Gigantes are now 7-2 all-time wearing their Gigantes uniforms.  Their only two losses have both come against the Brewers.  The Brewers were wearing their Cerveceros uniforms on both occasions.  



KJ, RT, and I were at this game.  The last time los Cerveceros beat los Gigantes. 6/29/09. 


I need to find out what the Brewers all-time record is with their Cerveceros uniforms.  If it is good, and my empirical evidence with los Gigantes shows they are undefeated, I need to exploit this. 


I have a plan, a plan to have los Cerveceros help los Gigantes.


I will go to Milwaukee and become their equipment manager.  I will then control which uniforms are worn on each day.  Los Cerveceros will uniforms will come out against NL West contenders and other teams which stand in the way of los Gigantes reaching the playoffs. 


The Brewers will never wear los Cerveceros uniforms against los Gigantes ever again. 


This needs to happen.


I’ll be sending my resume to the Milwaukee Brewers in the upcoming weeks.


First pitch is in less than 10 hours.  Barry Zito will try to derail the sweep.  I have Sunday off.  I will participate in the Barry Zito Drinking Game.


The BZDG has to be safer than work.





Offensive Offense

I am not easily offended, but I have been recently with Los Gigantes offense.  Los Gigantes were about 2-38 (Los Gigantes had a  1-31 going before Andres Torres came through with a RBI single on Saturday night!!) with RISP the past week which has led to a total of 10 runs in 6 games, a mighty average of 1.6 runs per contest.



Don’t be offended, this picture only represents how dirty Jonathan Sanchez has been thus far.


The week was salvaged (Los Gigantes went 2-4) by sensational pitching performances (Dirty Sanchez), excluding Todd Wellemeyer (However, it was Wellemyer’s best of his three starts this season: 4IN 2ER 3H 4BB 3SO.  What happened to his excellent control during Spring Training?).




I think Mr. Wellemeyer hit his wall even earlier than I anticipated. 



Who’s to blame for the offensive offense?


I will start with KJ.  I thought I was a jinx when I attended Los Gigantes first defeat; KJ accompanied me to the game.  KJ made the voyage to Petco for the first two games of the San Diego series, Los Gigantes lost both games.  This was not a coincidence.  My empirical evidence shows that in 2010 Los Gigantes lose every time KJ attends a regular season night game in the state of California.







There is one way to fix the jinx of KJ.  KJ and I must attend a Gigantes game outside the bankrupt state of California. 


Why must I go?


Because I can.

I think a trip to Colorado or Arizona will suffice.  Ummm, maybe not Arizona, I think I am still a wanted man after my $200 French fry fiasco.  Colorado it will be.  We need to find a weekend series and make this happen. 


The earliest weekend series in Colorado is the July 4th weekend. 


Maybe KJ can try a day game before then.


The rest of the offensive blame for the past week can be handed out to every hitter on Los Gigantes not named Pablo Sandoval or Andres Torres.  Ah heck, Ill throw in Nate Schierholtz as well, he did have an RBI infield single.



I want to shift my offensiveness of Los Gigantes’ offense to other things in life that either offend me or really ruffle my feathers.


1.  Scott Spiezo.  I hate you and your red sole-patch.  I almost felt good that you turned to drugs.



I wish F-Rod had a pitch other than a fastball.


2.  The Rally Monkey.  I hope your golden years are spent in captivity where you have to consistently dodge fecal matter thrown by Monkeys who are Gigantes fans. 




This makes me sick.


3.  Rally Monkey’s at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.  They started being sold in 2003.  Who gave the go ahead for filling the merchandise stands with Gigantes Rally Monkeys?  I am sure the person was a marketing major who never once participated in any athletic competition.  If I were St. Paul, this person would not enter the Pearly Gates.


pearly gates- not getting in.jpg


4.  October of 2002.  See 1 through 3.


5.  Subway Sandwich Chain.  Subway uses the cheapest meats, cheese, and produce available.  Do they think I would not notice?  I am a 5 year veteran (High School) of the world of delicatessens/sandwich shops.  I noticed, but still patronize your establishment because you are open until 10PM.  Darn your Jared propaganda and late night $5 footlongs.



This makes me giggle. 


6.  Anything and everything related to the Dodgers.  I even hate Carmelo Anthony’s wife because her first name is the abbreviation of Los Angeles twice in a row. 


pissonLA cartoon.jpg 

This makes me feel warm inside


7.  The guy who intentionally vomited on the Father/Daughter at the Phillies game.  Maybe this wonderful man was from that culture that Ben Stiller was referencing in “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story”.


“You know in some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there before, but I read about it… IN A BOOK!”



I could never think of such a horrid action.  This was the equivalent of urinating or defecating on someone.  Then again, he is from Philly.  Here is my first experience from a Phillies game from 2008:


My Father and I were in the second row behind the Mets dugout on July 4th, 2008 at Citizens Bank Park.  It was about 20 minutes before for first.  David Wright was playing catch in front of the dugout as he always does.  A young (7 year old) Phillies fan was sitting beside us with his Father.  He was screaming at David for an autograph.  It was Americas 232nd birthday in the city where the Declaration of Independence was signed, David felt the Americana and rewarded the young Phillie fan.  David grabbed a ball, a pen, and signed the ball.  He gently tossed the ball (Chest high, glove side) to the young fan. 


The young boy was ecstatic.  He smiled, looked at his Father, and gave David what was sure to be a big thank you.


Young Fan:  “Hey David, you can suck my Richard”  I have to edit the four letter word.


David Wright did not respond.


The boy’s Father gave his son a high-five to signal his approval. 


I understand why the vomit incident occurred in Philadelphia. 



Start ’em young! 


8.  Americans who claim another country when they were born in the United States of America. 


Yes, I am talking about you, A-Rod.



A-Rod- DR.jpg 

You were born in Miami.


9.  Steroid users who claim they juiced to heal from injuries.  I take Viagra for the blood circulation.   


10. Neck Tattoos.




neck tat.jpg



A neck tattoo says a few things:


A.  I am independently employed and wish to stay that way. 

B.  I do things my way. 

C.  I am either a Professional Athlete, Drug Dealer, or Rock Star.  If I don’t make it big in any of these three lucrative fields I will be regulated to wearing turtle necks at any respectable job.

D. I want people to think I am nuts.

E.  I am nuts.


I am sorry if I offended Ryan Roberts of the D-Backs.  Please do not hurt me.  You may be of the E. variety.


Wow, listing things that offend me almost made me forget that Renteria and The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez) are a combined 12/76 over their past 10 games.  I love it when the primary one and two hitters are raking at a .158 clip.


Maybe Los Gigantes made a mistake by shipping off F.Loser (Fred Lewis).  He is lighting it up on the Blue Birds with a line of .208/.296/.333 with 9 Ks in 24 at bats. 


Breathe Shaun, Breathe.


I am okay, the season is a marathon.   I need to ride the waves. 


I am angry I did not attend the games on Friday and Saturday against the Cardinals.  I missed out on my Gigantes wearable blanket and Pablo bobblehead.





I need one of these.


I will be scouring ebay for both.


Bring on Roy Halladay and the Phills.  I promise no Gigantes fan at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park will intentionally vomit on someone.




phillies fan who blew chunks.jpg

Too many cheesesteaks. 


I cannot make that promise about the Phillies fans.



Birth of a Season

I took my own advice and hibernated through the rest of the winter.  I am certain it was the right call.

I slept through Fanfest.  There was a motocross event at AT&T Park the week before.  I could and would not allow myself to see the playing field soiled with dirt mounds. 

Motorcross at AT&T.  Ewwwwwwwww.jpg

It would have caused great psychological harm.  I would have had nightmares of Pablo searching for a ball hit into one of the dirt mounds allowing multiple runs to score along with Timmy’s ERA rising high enough to knock on the door of the Father of Jesus. 

You think I am joking.

I do not need another reason to see a therapist. 

I did wake up in time for the birth of my Sister’s (Tawni) first child.  Welcome to the world Landen Sawyer Tilden.  You are now forced into being a Gigantes fan.  Enjoy it, embrace it, and hopefully we will win a World Series in your lifetime.

I gave the kid a good look through.  Ten fingers and toes, actually the kid has exceptionally long fingers which naturally prompted me to think the kid is going to have a filthy change piece.

Change Piece.jpg

Congratulations Jason and Tawni. 

Please teach him to throw lefthanded.


Spring Training is here


I got to hear a little Flem and the Famer Wednesday afternoon.  What a wonderful gift we all have in the Bay Area.  We are spoiled.  Everything in the world now seems right.

I love spring training (If you don’t love spring training, then I hate you and we can never be friends).  I can watch the games without giving a hoot if los Gigantes win or lose.  I have a month of stress-free games to look forward to.

Spring training is time for:

1.  Get back into game shape (Pablo!!!!!).

2.  Implement new things into in a game situation (#55 is trying to re-involve his deuce into his arsenal).

3. Young players get evaluated in game situations with other major leaguers.

4.  Position battles.

5. Settling scores from the past year.


Barry Zito made sure #5 happened today. 

In response to “The bomb exploding/bowling ball/team celebration exercise” A well deserved and placed pitch was delivered by Singer/Songwriter Barry Zito to the back of Prince Fielder. 

I do not care that S/S Barry Zito had the third slowest average fastball in the big leagues in 2009 at 86.7 MPH or that Prince Fielder probably has enough back fat to absorb a Smart Car at 45 MPH.

fat prince fielder.jpg

I liked the old school message, although it would have been better delivered from Brian Wilson.

I called KJ to tell him the good news.

SLY:  Zito drilled (drilled sounds like it would leave a bruise) Prince.

KJ:  Boooyeaah.  Zito seems to have that attitude this spring.

SLY:  I hope that attitude gets some extra wins.

This is my third favorite Barry Zito moment as a member of Los Gigantes.

1.  Hearing Zito sing.

Like I slept with your mother

Don’t judge me

Cause I could be your brother

And we could be a family

2.  My invention of the Barry Zito Drinking Game.

3. Zito drilling Prince in his back fat.

Does it suck that none of my favorite Zito moments have happened in a game that has meant anything in the standings yet?

dreamy zito.jpg

If looks could kill 

If GMs were contestants on Survivor, Sabean would be one of the first voted off.

Tim Marchman of si.com ranked all 30 GMs in baseball.  It was an interesting article.  Yeah, Sabes was ranked 28th of 30.  Ned Colletti was 27th.  I am glad Sabes taught Colletti so well.

Here’s the blurb of Sabean:

Sabean’s skeptics were driven insane for years as no matter how many terrible, decrepit players he signed to absurd contracts, he always had Barry Bonds to make everything right. Once Bonds retired, the Giants immediately fell apart, and the skeptics gloated. Now they’re a decent team again because they’ve developed a pair of aces in Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain. It doesn’t matter; the skeptics are still right.

Here’s the link:  http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/writers/tim_marchman/03/03/gm.rankings/index.html



Los Gigantes unveiled new alternate uniforms for Orange Friday this year.  The jersey’s are… very Orange. 

Alternate pablo jersey.jpg

I am deathly afraid of a cross promotional night involving anything with Cinderella.  The Fairy Godmother will attempt to turn Pablo into a carriage to bring Cinderella to the ball.  Yes, Pablo is going to look like a friggen Pumpkin.


The alternate hats are awesome.  They are an updated version of the 1982 hat.  I will purchase one and proudly wear it all year.


My Spring Training trip is all booked.  I’ll be there in three weeks.

I cannot wait for all the alcohol and baseball. 


I am glad hibernation is over.


Hasta La Bye Bye 2009

Hasta La Bye Bye 2009

You were more than I could have hoped for.

Thank you for the 88 wins and 158 meaningful games.

I traveled south to San Diego this past weekend with my travel companion (KJ) to view what might be a Gigante celebration.  We bought the plane tickets about a month ago. We knew for a week we were not going to see our beloved Gigantes reach the postseason for the first time since 2003, but we were going to have a blast.

Here is the weekend.


We missed the Friday game and our last chance to participate in the BZDG (Barry Zito Drinking Game) to honor the birthday of the very lovely Katie (KJ’s BeAuTiFuL lAdY!!).

I have enjoyed Zito’s starts this year because of the BZDG.  No matter if Zito got lit up or tossed in a gem the BZDG always made the game enjoyable (except for Zito’s start in NY. Damn you Barry Zito… too many beers).

I was not concerned with the missed alcohol consumption by not participating in the BZDG.  We were going out, with females, which meant I was going to have to engage in the art of dance.




The word sends gOoSeBuMpS down the spines of most white boys.  White boys, a group I fit nicely into.

Here is my breakdown on my dance skills.  Yes, I am calling them skills.  I am convinced I have either two left or right feet. I am not sure which foot I have two of, but I know they don’t work well together.  My knees are always too stiff, I move like the Tin Man from “The Wizard of OZ” without any oil to lube my joints.  My hips sway awkwardly to the beat of the music.  I think I only move at one speed. My rhythm is so poor I probably look like I am wearing a gigante mascot costume, like Lou Seal.  Actually, Lou Seal has more rhythm than I do. 

Lou Seal only has one actual dance move, the hip thrust.



To put it mildly, I suck pickles.

I have been asked if I “dance like a white boy” on more than one occasion (all by non-white females).

My Answer:

“I dance like a drunk boy.”

When it comes to dancing, I have no shame.  I go straight for the PEDs (Performance Enhancing Drugs).  Alcohol is my PED of choice.

After numerous Cervezas and a few shots of Tequila, I go from looking like this:

white boy dance.jpg 


 To This:



The night was a rousing success. I danced the night away.  I didn’t feel like a white boy.  Actually, I did not really feel much of anything.  I was Effffed up.

Fun night…and Los Gigantes won!


KJ and I were excited to see Matt Cain’s final start of the year on Saturday night.  We headed to downtown San Diego a couple hours before game time for some pre-game eating and drinking.

My friend (Christine), a Bay Area transplant met up with us at the bar before we headed into the game.

The game started.

Holy Toledo (Sorry Bill King).

What a bore fest.

Christine and I had to take a detour to the bar.  We stayed there for about Four innings and missed exactly zero Gigante hits.  The bar was pretty darn cool.  It was in the Western Metal Supply building.  You could see the field from the bar, awesome. 

We made our way back to our seats and watched Los Gigantes pile up one more hit for the remainder of the game.  It looked and felt like a Matt Cain start circa 2006.  We got shut out.

We had to resort to get excited about anything.

As did the other Gigantes fans.

A fan “made it rain” with napkins after a walk.  It was utterly amazing.  I gave the guy a good fist bump when I saw him on the concourse.

There were chants that I could not make out because Los Gigantes faithful were getting so plastered.


I think I heard a “Beat LA” chant.

Bay Area Hyphy movement in San Diego.

Aye… Aye… Aye…!!!

Christine was a great sport, as shown here.


A beautiful woman in my gigantes hat. The key to my heart!



A bittersweet day.  I was excited yet I had a sense of sadness knowing there would not be anymore Gigantes baseball until next April. 

Our group got out tickets and made it to a bar (big surprise, huh?).  Our bartender was awesome.  He was wearing a Father’s jersey but confirmed he was a Gigantes fan. We talked Gigantes and 49ers. He even bought us a round.  He also called me “Brother” which threw me off, because calling people brother is usually my deal.

KJ and I wanted to see two things at the final game.  We wanted to see Los Gigantes get their 88th win and Pablo Sandoval get to 90 RBI.  Pablo came into the game one short.

In the first inning Pablo drilled a single with “The Eritrean Cab Driver” on 2nd base.  Mr. Tim held him up at 3rd base.  Damn, there was one chance.

I was extremely obnoxious during the game as I knew it was my last chance to act so juvenile this season.  I didn’t mind the awkward stares.

Los Gigantes and Pablo didn’t get it done in regulation.

Free Baseball!  Awesome, on to the extra frame tied at three.

Kung Fu Panda was due up in the tenth inning.

One last chance.

Pablo’s season line coming into the at bat in the 10th inning. .329/24/89

KJ turned to me and uttered beautiful words.

KJ: “Pablo’s going to be .330/25/90 after this pitch.”



444 feet later the ball landed.

4-3 in favor of Los Gigantes


I jumped, screamed, and THREW A SODA TO THE GROUND!

B-Jeezy pitched through a Cab Driver error to secure the victory and end the season.

I cheered loudly than became silent.

The 2009 season was over.

Six months, 88 wins, and 158 meaningful baseball games.

This was more than I could have hoped for.

Hasta La Bye Bye 2009,

Until next year.




Life in an Alternate Universe

I hope everyone watched or listened to yesterday’s game.  

Lincecum was amazing.  

When did the umpires start wearing (Dodger) blue?  There were three horrendous calls.  The game never should have went to extra frames.  I hope the adversity of the Dodger series will bring the team closer together.

Thank you Guillermo Mota for throwing Mr. Uribe (After a walk-off I have to pay my respects with the Mr.) an 0-2 fastball after Mr. Uribe looked horrible on the first two sliders.

This win felt much larger than the one win it represented in the standings.  What a great way to board a flight to New York.


Ok, off to my alternate universe.

I got back from the gym last night feeling extremely chipper.  The encore presentation (already called “an instant classic”) of the game was being shown at the gym.  My friend, his girlfriend, and I had a conversation of what Los Gigantes players would be if they were not pro ball players.

Here is life for Los Gigantes roster in our alternate universe. 

Starting Pichers


#55 Tim Lincecum

Hot Topic employee or ticket taker at a movie theater.

Timmy has the look for both jobs. 

Tim’s long black hair, bracelets, and the beanie he wears every second off the baseball field would be a perfect fit for the emo cliental at Hot Topic.

I swear Timmy takes my tickets at the Movie Theater I patronize.


#18 Matt Cain


Cain is home grown and corn fed.  He has the size, strength, and patience (he did not seem to get frustrated with the lack of run support the previous two seasons) to be an excellent farmer.


#75 Barry Zito


Zito is ultra famous because of lyrics like:

Like I slept with your mother

Don’t judge me, cause

I could be your brother and

we could be a family

dreamy zito.jpg 

Thanks for that Barry. Classic.

 #57 Jonathan Sanchez 

Rum Distiller

Sanchez is from the land of Rum (Puerto Rico).  It is no surprise he started making the stuff.  The quality of his product is inconsistent, but his buyers keep buying in hope he will replicate his flashes of brilliance.


#51 Randy Johnson


Johnson is old, has the red a$s, and has been under the knife.  Johnson has carved up hitters for about 20 years.  He would do the same on humans.



#38 Brian Wilson

Professional Wrestler

Brian, a failed actor went to professional wrestling after being discovered by a WWE talent scout during a P90X infomercial. His stage name became a combination of his real life nickname (B-Weezy) and a tribute to his faith (Jesus). He became known as B-Jeezy.


#54 Sergio Romo

bmays.jpgProfessional Pitch Man




Romo inspired by the late Billy Mays would become the most successful Latino Pitch Man in the history of the universe. Oxy Limpio, his clear, crisp, booming voice, jet black goatee, and white teeth would help carry him to the top of the Latin Pitch Man profession.




#41 Jeremy Affeldt

Cyber Sex Crime Detective

Affeldt is a Detective prowling the world wide web for cyber sex crime violators.  He poses as a 15 year old blond female with the screen name HotELuvsRelief41 to reel in the predators. 


#52 Brandon Medders


After failing his way through High School, Brandon enrolled in a trade school and became an average electrician.  He is signed up with local union #520 

#45 Travis Miller

Tattoo Artist

The most tattoo’d man in Baseball history is a tattoo artist.  I am not sure if he is much of an artist, or if he has a steady hand.  Any takers?


#46 Bob Howry

Leader of  The Mormon Church

Howry is the leader of The Mormon Church.  He would become more powerful than Joseph Smith.  Somehow people have unwavering faith in Howry, and he looks the part.



Joseph Smith- WoW. 


#47 Merkin Valdez

Ice Cream Man

Valdez’s big wide smile brings kids to his ice cream truck.  He makes a nice living.


#49 Joe Martinez

Organized Crime

The clean cut and good looking Martinez has a nice career in organized crime.  He’s from Jersey, so he’s got connections.  We know he can take a big punch and has no problem coming back for more.


Position Players


#1 Bengie Molina 


Molina along with his partner Andres Torres are a great team in the Coyote business.  Molina has great navigation skills.  Although he is not fleet of foot, he gets the job done.


#22 Eli Whiteside

Just For Men Cover boy

Mr. Whiteside is a cover boy for  the “Just for Men” hair coloring product.  Whiteside would be in the same class as other JFM legends; Walt Frazier, Emmett Smith, and Keith Hernandez. 

Whiteside has climbed to Jared of Subway fame.


#10 Travis Ishikawa

Sushi Chef/Entertainer

Ishikawa is a world renown sushi chef and  “House of Genji” entertainer.  The Japanese side of him came out.  However, he is timid with  knifes, which led to “House of Genji” finding a replacement 60% through the busy dining season.


#23 Ryan Garko

Barry Zito Impersonator

Despite having a much different build, Garko has an solid career as an Impersonator for ultra-famous singer/songwriter Barry Zito.  Garko started in small towns such as Cleveland and packed his bags for the bright lights of Las Vegas where he was expect to make a huge impact in the impersonation field but has done little to influence his profession.  


 “Like I slept with your mother, don’t judge me, cause I could be your brother, and we could be a family.”


#35 Rich Aurilia

Baseball Coach

Aurilia is an excellent  baseball coach.  He loves to hang around the game and this profession provides a great option.  HHIIINNNTTTTT!


#21 Freddy Sanchez

Substitute Teacher

Sanchez is a substitute teacher who did an excellent job and later became full time.  He became tenured! 


#16 Edgar Renteria

Colombian Drug Lord

Cocaine is the Country’s business.  It is what came natural to him. 


#5 Juan Uribe

Circus Clown

Uribe has a nice career in the Ringling Bros Family Circus.  He looks, acts, talks, and walks funny. He makes people smile and laugh.  He loves his career. 


#48 Pablo Sandoval

Pablo Sandoval could only be one thing.

A professional baseball player.  The Panda was born to play this game. Sandoval doing anything else would make me vomit.



#8 Eugenio Velez

Cab Driver

Velez has lots of experience on buses, so he knows where he is going. I also call Velez the Eritrean Cab Driver for a reason. Use your eyes.


#20 John Bowker

Abercrombie and Fitch Model

Bowker is a model for Abercrombie and Fitch. He has one problem,  he looks better on paper than in person.  Which has stalled a once promising career.


#2 Randy Winn

College Professor

Winn teaches multiple subjects as he was never great in one, but good in many.


#33 Aaron Rowand

Construction Worker

Rowand is a blue-collar American worker.  He builds over-priced houses for over-paid professional athletes. 

 I think he owns one of those houses in our universe.


#12 Nate Schierholtz

Hair Club for Men Spokesman

Pre-maturely balding Schierholtz got hooked up with the Hair Club for Men group.  HCFM made such an astounding difference that Schierholtz became the lead before/after shot in all the HCFM infomercials.

#59 Andres Torres


Torres and partner Bengie Molina are a great team in the coyote business.  Torres is fleet of foot and runs ahead of the herd to look for would-be obstacles while on the quest to cross the border. 


#14 Fred Lewis

 High School Gym Teacher

Lewis reminisces about his glory days in High School while teaching. 

He tells the students,

“F.Lew is a legendary ball player”.



God help the children of tomorrow.

Bengie Stimulus Plan and Road Fun



When in a recession, put together a stimulus plan.

Bengie Molina was in some type of recession with the bat.

Last night saw Loose Change turn into Big Money.

I apologize to Big Money Molina.

The day after I asked for him to be replaced in the 4 hole, Bengie Molina returned to Big Money form.  Molina went 3-5 with 2 RBI in Los Gigantes 8-1 victory over the Astros.  His best hit ball of the night actually was an out, a ball driven about 410 feet to center field was caught at the base of that silly hill in Minute Maid Park.

The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez), Freddy Sanchez, Pablito Pandaval, and Bengie Molina led the offensive attack that put together 16 hits. Jonathan Sanchez even got his first hit of the year!

How hot is the Cab Driver?  Velez will not be coming out of the lineup anytime soon.



I forgot what back to back home runs look and sound like.  Thank you Freddy Sanchez and Pablito Pandaval for jogging my memory. 



Jon Miller sounded like he forgot back to back home runs could happen.  He channeled Lon Simmons with the call of the Pablo’s back end of the back to back with a “Tell it Good Bye”. Those were the first words out of his mouth.  It was awesome.



I can’t forget to mention how great it was to see Jonathan Sanchez put together a great start on the road.  He was dirty.  J. Sanchez’s has two alter-egos.  There’s the Dirty (Good) Sanchez and the Ugly ( Bad) Sanchez.  I’m glad we all got the Dirty Sanchez last night.

Thank you to Roy Oswalt’s achy back for Felipe Paulino .  Paulino has great stuff but left too many balls over the plate.



Here’s hoping the Bengie Stimulus Plan does not run out of cash like the “Cash for Clunkers” plan.

.Best wishes to Joe Martinez in today’s game.  I am glad you made it back.