Tagged: Aaron Rowand

Hello Postseason, May I come in?

Knock. Knock.

 

Who’s there?

 

The Postseason.

 

Who, what, come again?

 

The Postseason, I understand we haven’t seen each other in quite some time.

 

It’s been 7 years.  I didn’t think I would ever see you again.  Champagne to celebrate?

 

 

2003 was the last time los Gigantes made a postseason appearance. 

 

Flashback to 2003:

 

I was a 20 year old college baseball player, unable to legally purchase alcohol, gamble, or rent a car. 

 

2003 was also the year I got kicked out of Pac Bell Park when I interfered and “ruined baseball.” 

 

Skip (Head Baseball Coach at Napa Valley College) gave RT and I his front row bleacher seats over the Yahoo! sign.  The game was 8-1 (Marlins lead) in the bottom of the 7th.  Jeffery Hammonds (who was playing for Barry Lamar) hit a ball deep to left-center field.  The ball was coming straight for us.  It became apparent the ball was going to be a little short (Guess he was the only Gigante not taking advantage of BALCO).  I reached over the fence, and stretched, and then stretched some more.  My torso was completely over the fence with my arm outstretched as far as possible.  The ball hit the edge of the webbing of my PRO-ALMC model SSK and fell down to the warning track.


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If Jeffery looked like this, I would have caught the ball and not been humiliated.  


I lifted my torso back up, and was immediately booed by 40,000 Gigantes fans.  The intoxicated bleacher bum in the row behind us began pounding his fist into my back and screamed:

 

IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!!”

 

SLY: “It’s an 8-1 game, it was going to be a double anyways!”

 

IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!”

 

An Usher quickly came to escort me (RT came too) out of the ballpark for “ruining baseball”.  As I was being escorted out, 40,000 people began to cheer. 

 

I was being cheered, to leave.  Humiliating. 

 

As I took one look back to the field where I was being banished from, the young leftfielder of the Marlins, Miguel Cabrera gave me an appreciative thumbs up. 

 

You’re welcome Miguel.

 

The worst part wasn’t over.

 

My phone started to ring, and ring, and ring some more.

 

Dad: “What the hell were you doing?  Kruk circled, and then eliminated you.”


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I had this same call throughout the rest of the day.

 

I was on SportsCenter for the 2nd time (I have now been on 3 times, the third time was almost as embarrassing, another day another blog).

 

The cherry on top- The next day (Monday) I went to the cafeteria to get some lunch before baseball practice.  As I was purchasing my meal the lunch lady looked at me and said:

 

“If you are going to go over the fence, catch it, MEAT.”

 

I have not brought my glove to a professional ballgame since.

 

To end the 2003 flashback, the Marlins beat los Gigantes in the NLDS and went on to win the World Series.

 

The Marlins have been in the postseason twice (both Wild Cards) in their 17 year existence, have beaten los Gigantes in the NLDS both times, and went on to win the World Series both times.

 

Symmetry is disgusting.

 

Flash forward back to 2010.  Los Gigantes are one Dub-Ya away from poppin’ some bubbly. 

 

Asta La Bye-Bye Fathers.

 

Mad-Bum fought though his start for his first W at Pac-Bell/SBC/AT&T Park on Thursday. 

 

Los Gigantes again scored all of their runs off Jimmy Jacks.  It is as exciting as it is flawed.

 

…I really want to get back to Wednesday.

 

Los Gigantes and I had great days.

 

I was unable to watch the game, as KJ, RT, LJ, and I had tickets to watch the Black Keys perform at the Fox Theater.


Pat the Bat hit the 3-run Jimmy Jack during the opening act (The Black Seeds, solid act).  After the first 2 innings Timmy was in full control, we felt like the game was over.  It was. 

 

3-1 Gigantes. 

 

The Black Keys came to the stage.

 

Holy Smokes (Too bad Timmy couldn’t join in the fun).  

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I got ear EFFF’d by the Black Keys and loved every second of it.

 

As I enjoyed the love being made to my ears, I was able to draw one comparison between The Black Keys and los Gigantes.

 

Both played as a team with unparalleled confidence.

 

Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney are a team, a great team, and they get each other.  They diverge and extend their tracks when they see fit.  As a spectator, you can see them (Dan to Patrick) making eye contact, an unspoken sign that signifies where they will go next.

 

Los Gigantes are playing their best and most confident baseball of the year.  The 2010 version of los Gigantes has to be one of the best chemistry teams in San Francisco history.

 

KJ, RT, LJ, and I all left the Fox Theater in a state of nirvana. 

 

We were really hungry for some reason.

 

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In N Out to the rescue.

 

 

POSTSEASON ROSTER DEBATE

 

As KJ and I were sitting on the couch during Thursday’s game, we started talking about the postseason roster and who would fill it out.

 

I asked him and RT to e-mail me their 25 man rosters.  I wanted to see how our rosters stacked up to Boch’s.

 

KJ and RT’s Roster were identical.  I truly think this is the 25 man roster Bochy will run with.  RT also added that he would add Chris Ray and sub Renteria in the 2nd round.  If los Gigantes are fortunate enough get to the 2nd round, where I expect them to face the Fight’n Phils, I would like to see another lefty in the pen.

 

Pitchers

 

Lincecum

Cain

Sanchez

Bumgarner

Zito

Wilson

Romo

Lopez

Ramirez

Casilla

Affeldt

 

INF

 

Posey

Huff

Sanchez

Sandoval

Uribe

Fontenot

Renteria

Ishikawa

Whiteside

 

OF

Guillen

Torres

Burrell

Ross

Schierholtz

 

I want to know one item before I make my final decision.  Does Bochy plan on starting Zito in a playoff series?

 

If Bochy plans on starting Zito, than this is the roster I would run with.

 

If Bochy does not plan on starting Zito, there is no use for him on this roster.  He cannot come out of the bullpen.  It takes him 50-75 throws to get loose.  I am sure most would agree that Zito is the weak link of our starters. 

 

If Zito is not used at as a starter, I would add Dan Runzler to the 25 man roster.  Lefty Power arms are scarce; los Gigantes already have one with Jeremy Affeldt, two would be deadly late in games (Phillies anyone?).

 

By the way, it looks like Jeremy joined the “Just for Men” beard team as well.

 

It would also be humorous to have $30 million dollars left off the postseason roster (Zito and Rowand).

 

Bochy will probably name Zito the 2 or 3 starter, citing his experience and MadBum will take the roster spot where I would place Runzler.

 

We will find out by Tuesday.

 

The postseason door is open, los Gigantes just have to walk through.

 

I can almost taste the cheap champagne and beer.

 

 

 

Baseball Gloves and Relationships

I am a dork, a baseball dork.   

 

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Yes, this is what I should look like.

It is the truth.  Everyone who has read this blog understands this.  As a self-described baseball dork, I relate many life occurrences and lessons to the great game of Baseball.  With that being stated, here I go.

 Baseball Gloves and how they are like relationships with Women.

Baseball gloves, there is nothing that is more precious to a baseball player.  A good glove can last years, maybe a lifetime.

Let me break down the life cycle of a Glove.  It is eerily similar to a relationship.

 

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Brand New Glove = Meeting for the first time.

A new glove at a sporting goods store:

Ahhhh, there she is.  She is beautiful.  Look how perfect and pristine she looks sitting on the shelf.  My mind is racing.  How do I approach her? How will she feel?  Will she look good on me?

I am going in.  I am nervous.   I need to psych myself up.  I go through my psych up phrases.

1.  If you believe you are good looking you will be. 

2.  If you lack confidence, fake it. 

3.  No Fear, No Hesitation

 

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The Man. The Myth. The Legend.

(Right, Skip?).

I proceed.

I walk up to her. I am only a few feet away.  Okay, here I go…

 

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I can’t do it… I am scared.  What if I get rejected?  Am I that much of a wossy cat?  Yes, sometimes.

I go through my psych up phrases again.

1.  If you believe you are good looking you will be. 

2.  If you lack confidence, fake it. 

3.  No Fear, No Hesitation

I can hear my Dad in my head.  He is talking mad S and is damn good at it. Then he drops the line he has always used for approaching women. “Son, all she can say is no”.  Dad can talk S and deliver solid advice.

Thanks Dad.

I am now ready.

I walk up… confidently and say.

“Excuse me Miss Glove. May I have a better look at you?”

The glove does not say no. I forgot gloves, unlike women, cannot reject me.

Thanks Dad!

Yes, I can advance.  I still move in with caution.  I do not know yet what I am dealing with.

I gently pick the glove off the shelf.  I look at her from all angles.  Goodness, she is beautiful.  I politely place my hand into the glove.  The leather feels so soft.  I try to squeeze her… nothing.  She is as stiff as a board.  The chemistry isn’t there yet.  She is going to need some breaking in.

Breaking in the Glove = Dating

The glove is now mine.  I brought her home and she is delighted (What glove wouldn’t be delighted to have me?).  Now it is time to really get to know each other.  We have a feeling out period to make sure we both have the same expectations of this relationship.

 

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The first thing I do is purchase “glove stuff”.  What a first impression.  The glove is very impressed with the “glove stuff” (It is like taking a date to a ridiculous restaurant).  If you don’t know what this stuff is.  You need to.  This stuff is worth its weight in gold for gloves and all leather products.  You can buy it from the “Glove Lady” in Cotati, CA.  If you don’t know who she is, you have never had a glove you truly cared about.  She’s like a marriage counselor for gloves and owners.  She will bring the relationship closer and back together if the relationship starts to veer off course.  Sorry, for the digression, more on the Glove Lady later.

After the glove has had its “glove stuff” treatment, I proceed to the next step.  I place a ball in the glove and wrap a few well-placed rubber bands to create the ultimate pocket (keep in mind, I played infield).

I will leave her alone for a couple days, just dropping by for a little look to see how she’s doing.

It’s time.

I take the rubber bands off and unfold the glove.  I place my hand inside and squeeze.

There we go.

That’s what I was looking for.

All that’s needed now is some catch time.

After many catch sessions and taking some groundballs a decision must be made.

Is she my gamer now?

Gamer Glove = Exclusive Dating

It has been decided.  The glove is broken in.  The chemistry is there. 

It’s time to take the next big step. 


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She is now a gamer.  Your gamer.  A good gamer should last at least a couple years.  A great gamer, most only find one or two, can last a lifetime.  A gamer is always there for you.  She feels comfortable and you want to put your hand into nothing else.  Your gamer looks more attractive with each passing day.  You truly love your gamer.

It is important to maintain the gamer to ensure the relationship lasts as long as possible.  Let her know how much you care and appreciate her.  Use “glove stuff” to keep her leather looking fresh.  Protect her after each use by placing her in a case.  Commuicate on any issues that come up.  Remember, fielding slumps will happen.  Don’t act emotional and switch gamers.  Don’t be a glove cheater.  Stay loyal. 

But, no matter how well you maintain your gamer (relationship) you will arrive at a crossroads.

Like everything in life, nothing lasts forever.

Your beautiful gamer will start to grow old.  Old does not mean over.

There are a few choices for graying gamers.

1.  Go look for a beautiful new glove.  It is important to remember all the time, effort, and commitment that have been put into the gamer.  You are invested.  Do you really want to start over with something new?  You will end up comparing your new gamer to your previous one.  You may even go back to your old gamer in times of need (like a fielding slump). 

2.  Use the gamer until it falls apart and then be forced to get a new glove.  This is the worst option.  It is like you are too lazy to make a change or to fully commit to your gamer.

3.  Get the gamer re-strung and re-padded to factory specifications.   What?  Is this a serious option?  I can make the gamer almost brand new again?  The answer is YESSSSSSS.  The Glove Lady in Cotati, CA is a gift from God.  She can work miracles with old gamers.  She is a combination of a plastic surgeon and marriage counselor for gloves.

 

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If you truly care about your gamer and want your relationship to last a lifetime, you will go to the Glove Lady.

Here is her info.  Thank me later.

 

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8201A Old Redwood Hwy.
Cotati CA 94931

(707) 795-3895

I have taken a gamer to the Glove Lady.  It was a great decision.  I still have the gamer today.

Thank you Glove Lady.

Glove Cheating and Glove Rape

It is ugly, sad, and violating.  More importantly these are crimes that are unforgiveable. 

Glove Cheating is when a player willingly uses another glove when there is nothing wrong with their gamer.  These players should not be trusted and most likely have commitment issues.

Glove Rape (I am not making fun of rape.  It is a serious and horrible crime.  All rapists should be locked up for life) is a heinous crime which could lead to fisticuffs.  Glove Rape is when a player takes another player’s gamer and places their hand inside without the owner’s consent.   It can be a violating experience for the owner if his hand does not feel the same when placed back into the gamer.  The crime is worse if the perpetrator has a much larger hand than the owner of the glove victim.

Yes, I have gotten into a fight because of this.  The criminal got what he deserved.  I do not regret it. 

As the late Junior Kimbourgh sang “Keeep your hands off my guuurrrrl (glove), she don’t beeeeeloonnng to yoooooouuuuuuu.”

Gloves and Types

Many players have types or brands they like to stick to, while others appreciate all types to find what they like.

My brother, RT is a great example.  These are his words.

“I’m a creature of habit.” 

“If she’s brown, I’m down.”

RT enjoys comfort and likes to know what to expect.   He has been using Mizuno’s and dating Latinas exclusively for the last 3 years.

Conclusion

Am I NUTTS? 

 

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Yes, I am. 

But…

It takes a lot of time and effort to break in, maintain, and keep a good glove going strong.

That sounds familiar.

 

Quick Hit on Halloween-

My friends and I all went out for Halloween.  What were we?  We all went as EFFFing Los Gigantes, duh.  Here was our roster:


 
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Can you believed we were charged for our drinks?

SLY- Tim Lincecum

KJ- Matt Cain

RT- Barry Zito

C.Lew- Aaron Rowand

Nutty- Mrs. Lincecum

KTBug- Crazed Matt Cain fan.

D- Mrs. Yunel Escobar (She’s a Braves fan)

 

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Mrs. Lincecum made this Timmy feel like a Cy Young award winner.

The night was a blast.  Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum got many propers from the patrons at the bar.  Barry Zito and Arron Rowand got heckeled (Well deserved).  I did get to sign my tab as Tim Lincecum.  Maybe I should challenge that charge….hmmmm.  Heck no, I enjoyed the hell out of it.

Our costumes were easily the best group themed at the bar.  I did have one favorite costume from the night.  There was a 5’5 Asian man who was dressed as Wendy from Wendy’s.  Yes, as in Dave Thomas’ Fast Food Chain.  I had to go up and comment.

 

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I walked up and said “WhO0per JR.. says hi.”

Poor guy didn’t get it.  He obviously missed those awesome Burger King commercials.

 

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Tell Wendy I said Hi.

RT, not knowing I already dropped the line on him, proceeded to drop the line on him again.

Poor guy still didn’t get it.

 

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Oh well, RT and I had a good laugh.

 

 


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Since I got to dress like Timmy, I have a suggestion for his entrance music to come out to the field next year.  I love that Timmy comes out to MGMTs “Electric Feel”, but can we please have Pauly Mac do a “Smoke two Joints” parody in the same fashion he did for Michael Phelps?  That would be awesome.  Honestly, who cares that Timmy likes to fly.  I would think only parents of young children would be disappointed.  But please remember, athletes are not role models.  They are entertainers. 

 

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One Love.

 


Give this a listen…  phelps2joints.mp3 

Life in an Alternate Universe

I hope everyone watched or listened to yesterday’s game.  

Lincecum was amazing.  

When did the umpires start wearing (Dodger) blue?  There were three horrendous calls.  The game never should have went to extra frames.  I hope the adversity of the Dodger series will bring the team closer together.

Thank you Guillermo Mota for throwing Mr. Uribe (After a walk-off I have to pay my respects with the Mr.) an 0-2 fastball after Mr. Uribe looked horrible on the first two sliders.

This win felt much larger than the one win it represented in the standings.  What a great way to board a flight to New York.

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Ok, off to my alternate universe.

I got back from the gym last night feeling extremely chipper.  The encore presentation (already called “an instant classic”) of the game was being shown at the gym.  My friend, his girlfriend, and I had a conversation of what Los Gigantes players would be if they were not pro ball players.

Here is life for Los Gigantes roster in our alternate universe. 

Starting Pichers

 

#55 Tim Lincecum

Hot Topic employee or ticket taker at a movie theater.

Timmy has the look for both jobs. 

Tim’s long black hair, bracelets, and the beanie he wears every second off the baseball field would be a perfect fit for the emo cliental at Hot Topic.

I swear Timmy takes my tickets at the Movie Theater I patronize.

 

#18 Matt Cain

Farmer

Cain is home grown and corn fed.  He has the size, strength, and patience (he did not seem to get frustrated with the lack of run support the previous two seasons) to be an excellent farmer.

 

#75 Barry Zito

Singer/Songwriter

Zito is ultra famous because of lyrics like:

Like I slept with your mother

Don’t judge me, cause

I could be your brother and

we could be a family

dreamy zito.jpg 

Thanks for that Barry. Classic.

 #57 Jonathan Sanchez 

Rum Distiller

Sanchez is from the land of Rum (Puerto Rico).  It is no surprise he started making the stuff.  The quality of his product is inconsistent, but his buyers keep buying in hope he will replicate his flashes of brilliance.

 

#51 Randy Johnson

Surgeon

Johnson is old, has the red a$s, and has been under the knife.  Johnson has carved up hitters for about 20 years.  He would do the same on humans.

 

 Relievers

#38 Brian Wilson

Professional Wrestler

Brian, a failed actor went to professional wrestling after being discovered by a WWE talent scout during a P90X infomercial. His stage name became a combination of his real life nickname (B-Weezy) and a tribute to his faith (Jesus). He became known as B-Jeezy.

 

#54 Sergio Romo

bmays.jpgProfessional Pitch Man

 

 

 

Romo inspired by the late Billy Mays would become the most successful Latino Pitch Man in the history of the universe. Oxy Limpio, his clear, crisp, booming voice, jet black goatee, and white teeth would help carry him to the top of the Latin Pitch Man profession.

 

 

 

#41 Jeremy Affeldt

Cyber Sex Crime Detective

Affeldt is a Detective prowling the world wide web for cyber sex crime violators.  He poses as a 15 year old blond female with the screen name HotELuvsRelief41 to reel in the predators. 

 

#52 Brandon Medders

Electrician

After failing his way through High School, Brandon enrolled in a trade school and became an average electrician.  He is signed up with local union #520 

#45 Travis Miller

Tattoo Artist

The most tattoo’d man in Baseball history is a tattoo artist.  I am not sure if he is much of an artist, or if he has a steady hand.  Any takers?

 

#46 Bob Howry

Leader of  The Mormon Church

Howry is the leader of The Mormon Church.  He would become more powerful than Joseph Smith.  Somehow people have unwavering faith in Howry, and he looks the part.

 


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Joseph Smith- WoW. 

 

#47 Merkin Valdez

Ice Cream Man

Valdez’s big wide smile brings kids to his ice cream truck.  He makes a nice living.

 

#49 Joe Martinez

Organized Crime

The clean cut and good looking Martinez has a nice career in organized crime.  He’s from Jersey, so he’s got connections.  We know he can take a big punch and has no problem coming back for more.

 

Position Players

 

#1 Bengie Molina 

Coyote

Molina along with his partner Andres Torres are a great team in the Coyote business.  Molina has great navigation skills.  Although he is not fleet of foot, he gets the job done.

 

#22 Eli Whiteside

Just For Men Cover boy

Mr. Whiteside is a cover boy for  the “Just for Men” hair coloring product.  Whiteside would be in the same class as other JFM legends; Walt Frazier, Emmett Smith, and Keith Hernandez. 

Whiteside has climbed to Jared of Subway fame.

 

#10 Travis Ishikawa

Sushi Chef/Entertainer

Ishikawa is a world renown sushi chef and  “House of Genji” entertainer.  The Japanese side of him came out.  However, he is timid with  knifes, which led to “House of Genji” finding a replacement 60% through the busy dining season.

 

#23 Ryan Garko

Barry Zito Impersonator

Despite having a much different build, Garko has an solid career as an Impersonator for ultra-famous singer/songwriter Barry Zito.  Garko started in small towns such as Cleveland and packed his bags for the bright lights of Las Vegas where he was expect to make a huge impact in the impersonation field but has done little to influence his profession.  


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 “Like I slept with your mother, don’t judge me, cause I could be your brother, and we could be a family.”

 

#35 Rich Aurilia

Baseball Coach

Aurilia is an excellent  baseball coach.  He loves to hang around the game and this profession provides a great option.  HHIIINNNTTTTT!

 

#21 Freddy Sanchez

Substitute Teacher

Sanchez is a substitute teacher who did an excellent job and later became full time.  He became tenured! 

 

#16 Edgar Renteria

Colombian Drug Lord

Cocaine is the Country’s business.  It is what came natural to him. 

 

#5 Juan Uribe

Circus Clown

Uribe has a nice career in the Ringling Bros Family Circus.  He looks, acts, talks, and walks funny. He makes people smile and laugh.  He loves his career. 

 

#48 Pablo Sandoval

Pablo Sandoval could only be one thing.

A professional baseball player.  The Panda was born to play this game. Sandoval doing anything else would make me vomit.

pablo.jpg   

 

#8 Eugenio Velez

Cab Driver

Velez has lots of experience on buses, so he knows where he is going. I also call Velez the Eritrean Cab Driver for a reason. Use your eyes.

 

#20 John Bowker

Abercrombie and Fitch Model

Bowker is a model for Abercrombie and Fitch. He has one problem,  he looks better on paper than in person.  Which has stalled a once promising career.

 

#2 Randy Winn

College Professor

Winn teaches multiple subjects as he was never great in one, but good in many.

 

#33 Aaron Rowand

Construction Worker

Rowand is a blue-collar American worker.  He builds over-priced houses for over-paid professional athletes. 

 I think he owns one of those houses in our universe.

 

#12 Nate Schierholtz

Hair Club for Men Spokesman

Pre-maturely balding Schierholtz got hooked up with the Hair Club for Men group.  HCFM made such an astounding difference that Schierholtz became the lead before/after shot in all the HCFM infomercials.

#59 Andres Torres

Coyote

Torres and partner Bengie Molina are a great team in the coyote business.  Torres is fleet of foot and runs ahead of the herd to look for would-be obstacles while on the quest to cross the border. 

 

#14 Fred Lewis

 High School Gym Teacher

Lewis reminisces about his glory days in High School while teaching. 

He tells the students,

“F.Lew is a legendary ball player”.

 

 

God help the children of tomorrow.