Tagged: Cody Ross

Your Playoff Beard is Weird

I have never
been to a Gigantes playoff game where they were victorious. 
I am 0 for 2.


I went to
those games as a child. 


I am now
legally able to purchase alcoholic beverages, which makes me a man.


I stated in
the previous post I was going to dye my beard ala B-Jeezy .


I went for
it, big time.


I rushed
home from work around 2:00pm last Thursday. 
The Just for Men was ready to
rock.  The color was labeled as REAL BLACK.  (That’s why it looks so damn good on men,
words don’t lie.)  

Just-for-Men real black.jpg

5 Easy Minutes? I think not.


I quickly read the
instructions.  I figured I’ve seen the commercials
enough where my man instincts would take over. 
I mixed the color and went to town on my beard.  I then proceeded to make a fatal JFM booboo.  One month before my 27th day of
birth, my beard still comes in patchy.  

beard me smaller.jpg

I
thought it’d be a good idea to brush the patchy areas with the color brush.  I had 5 minutes to kill (downed a beer) while
the color set.  I was surprised how much
the JFM stung my face.  I wonder if
B-Jeezy had the same experience.


The painful
5 minutes ended and I jumped into the shower. 
I got out and was met with hysterical laughter from Lj.  My patchy spots were still filled in with the
real black color of JFM.

batter up tn.jpg

Holy Mother Effing
Toledo Uranus Saturn Christo.


I looked
amazing…


That’s what
I kept telling myself.


I freaked
out, Lj told me the dye might stay in my skin for a week.  I had work in 48 hours.  I had JFM regret, but I imagine that’s part
of the experience.


I hastily
grabbed some household items that may remove the dye from my skin. 


The items
included:


1. Make-up
removal.


2. Nail
polish removal.


3. K-Y Warming
Sensation Lube (Awkward…)


4. Tattoo
lotion


5. Proactiv
daily scrub


I had to own
it; the dye was here to stay.


I wasn’t planning
on wearing the Timmy wig and Jersey, but hell, might as well go all out.


I put the
outfit on and looked in the mirror.


The reflection
showed equal parts Tim Lincecum, Jesus Christo, and Brian Wilson.

 timmy jesus wilson.jpg

Timmy Jesus
Wilson
.


The gang
loaded into the vehicle and we were off to Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.  Lj asked me to get sunglasses out of the
center console. 


My thought process: I
am driving, why doesn’t Lj grab the glasses. 
Whatever. 

I opened the console and found an item with the glasses, a
freakin Smirnoff Ice.    


Lj and KJ
thought this was hilarious.


Holy Mother Effing
Toledo Uranus Saturn Christo.


SLY: “I am
not drinking this until we get there.”


KJ: “I’ll
keep it warm for ya.”


KJ took the Smirnoff
Ice and proceeded to place the bottle under his butt to insure safe keeping.


Thanks KJ.


When arrived
at the parking lot, I got on one knee and accepted my icing like a champ. 

iced beard tn.jpg


The group
walking by us laughed rather hard.  I don’t
know if they laughed at my appearance or the icing, possibly a combination of
both.


Pete’s was
on our pregame agenda.


My
Grandparents were also attending the game and were to meet us at Petes.

Here is all
you need to know about my Grandparents. 


My Grandmother
on my Grandfather and his alcohol consumption:


Grandmama: “Your
Grandfather may not be able to walk or talk, but he can always drive us home.”

drunk couple.jpg

I love my
Grandparents.


When we met
them at the bar they already had a table and drink.  My Grandmother did not recognize me.  Once she realized it was me, she told me “I
was sooo ugly” about 12 times in 25 minutes. 

this guy (beard) tn.jpg

How is this mug ugly?


My G-Parents
are no rookies at the bar scene.  My
Grandpa ordered a Jack on the rocks and my Grandma ordered a white zin. 


My Grandpa
also brought a 13oz flask of Jack.  My
Grandma brought a jug of wine.  They
continued to re-fill their glass.


Pros.


After the
quality pre-game, it was time to get into the park. 


I made notes of things that were said to me because of my appearance. 


Here are the
top comments:


“Fear the
Beard.”


“Your Beard
is weird.”


“Woah, what
happened?” (My response: JFM is more complicated than it looks on TV.)


“Is that
real?”


My friend Brad
came up clutch with tickets; they were 4 rows from the field, right past first
base. 


Thanks Brad.


Timmy took
the hill and the park took on an electric feel. 


We all know
what happened next.


CG SHO 14K
performance.


I had to
write a short poem for the historical performance.


Timm-EE, Timm-EE

All the hitters whine

Butts return to the pine

14 Ks though Nine

Smoke Smoke Celebration Time

Timm-EE, Timm-EE

 


Remember
Timmy in August?  I prayed to Jesus
Christo to end Timmy’s Cy Yuck funk.  Jesus
is obviously a fan of #55.


I was the
guy at the yard who led the booing of Braves fans.  If I spotted a Braves fan, I would stop,
point with two (more manly than one) fingers, and yell “Boooo That Man.”


Booing commenced. 


Braves fan
realized he was not welcome. 


I do not
remember much about the ride home.  I
remember I was one happy boy.


My first playoff
victory made me feel warm and tingly inside. 
I was ready for game two.


Friday,
October 8th, 2010.


Game 2


A revelation
occurred when I washed my face.  The
toner (step 2) of the Proactiv system took the dye off my face.  I no longer wanted to look like a man with a
sharpie on his face.  I used about $16.36
of Proactiv toner to remove the excess dye from the skin of my face. 


I have been
told by my Hispanic friends that I am an honorary Mexican because of my love of
the food and tequila.  I now looked the
part as well.  Too bad it wasn’t Cinco de
Mayo.


KJ and I left
for the yard after a quick gym session.  We
arrived at the parking lot, and there was no attendant, but we parked
anyways.  We headed to 21st
Amendment for a little pre-game until the attendant could take our money. 


Per usual,
21st Amendment was fantastic, great brews and food.  With our belts loosened and our brains mushy,
we walked back to the parking lot.


There was still
no attendant.


Maybe it was
the 9.7% brews or maybe it was our gambling background.  We made a decision that could drastically
alter our night.

life_is_a_gamble_ed_hardy-1361.jpg

KJ: “Screw
it, let’s roll the dice.”


SLY: “I don’t
think Jack (Attendant’s name) looks at the tickets.  He’s more concerned with dying.”


KJ: “A tow
truck wouldn’t even fit in here.”


SLY: “A parking
ticket is like $45, only $15 more than what they’re charging.”


KJ: “On to
Pete’s.”


After Pete’s
we made our way into the yard.  We had
the same seats as game one, boooyeeehawwww.


I had total confidence
in Cain, and he dealt. 


Admittedly,
I thought the game was over when Pat the Bat went 3-run jimmy jack in the
first.


Bobby Cox
got run for the final time in his hall of fame career.


I was almost
in celebration mode. 


I know,
premature guy.


I continued
to make Braves fans feel uncomfortable for coming into our yard. 


I never felt
better yelling at a grown man.


Brad and I
did start quite a few chants to heckle a Brave.

We heckled a player not
even on the roster, the bullpen catcher.

drunk-man-sober-thoughts.gif

I don’t know
his first name but his last name was Butts.


Awesome.


The chants
started out harmless.


Brad: “BIIIGGGGG!”


SLY: “BUTTTS!”

X3


Brad: “SMMMEEEEELLLLLYYYY!”


SLY: “BUUUUTTTSSS!”

X3


They started
to get worse…


Brad: “YOU
LIKE IT IN YOURRRRRR…..”


SLY: “BUUUUUUUTTTTTTSSSSS.”

X3


We started to take requests from other Gigantes fans for chants they wanted to hear with “Butts”
involved.  They ranged from G-NC-17
ratings. 


We had David
Ross in stitches.


A non-fan
friendly Usher told us he was watching us, and we were not permitted to heckle
players.


That was a
buzz kill.


We continued
the chants until the Braves mounted the game tying rally in the 8th.  I was no longer in celebration mode.  Rick Ankiel punched 44,032 Gigantes fans in the stomach.  Doesn’t he know we came to see Los Gigantes win?

Stomach-Punch.jpg

Stomach
punch loss. 


My mind now
wondered if KJ’s truck would still be in the parking lot.  I walked up 2nd Street, turned
down Brannon, and approached the lot.


Gamble paid
off, the truck was still there.


FP was on
fire on the leader during the ride home. 
He was combative and had zero tolerance for poor baseball knowledge from
callers. 


KJ and I
were angry about the outcome but still had a very positive outlook on the
series. 


We got home
around 1:30am.  I had to be at work in 6
hours.  Uggh. 


The beard
was shaved off so I could look somewhat professional at work Saturday
morning.  I did have an awesome 5 O’clock
shadow due to the real blackness of
JFM.


Sunday, October
10th

Game 3


Dirty
Sanchez+ Brooks Conrad = Gigantes Victory.


Big ups to
Fred Sanchee for the 2 out hit to extend the 9th inning for
Huff.  That’s why you were brought to the
team.


If I ever
meet Brooks, I am buying that man as many drinks as he needs.  I feel he will be hitting the bottle often
the next couple days, months, and years. 
I hope this series hasn’t ruined his life.  I am dead serious.  His friends need to be on suicide watch. 


I put myself
on suicide watch when I had a horrible game in high school and made a few
errors. 


Confidence
is everything in baseball.  It is going
to take him a long time to recover. 


I loved the
result, but feel for the guy. 


Monday,
October 11th

Game 4


C-Lew joined
KJ and I to watch the game, he brought beer. 
Good man as always.  I arrived in
the 3rd inning, freakin 4:30pm start time.  It was 1-0 Braves.


Lowe was
dealing. 


RT text’d us
how he was pissed the Gigantes were getting no-hit by a guy on three days’
rest.  KJ, C-Lew and I all stated the
same mantra “We’re one pitch away from tying this game.”


6th
inning: Insert Cody Ross, Hero.

greatest-american-hero.jpg

Hero


New ballgame.


McCann took
MadBum deep to reclaim the lead in the 6th.   McCann
is a straight stud.


This is where
los Gigantes have been so tough all season. 
They scratch, claw, bite, and do any thing possible thing to eke out
runs. 


Top of the 7th
was no different. 


Who got the
big 2 out hit?


Cody Ross,
Hero.


Cassilla,
Loogy, and Wilson close out the game.


Celebration Time
included a class move to applaud and pay respects to Bobby Cox’s career.


Bring on the
Cheesesteaks. 


Saturday
cannot come fast enough.


If you haven’t
seen Ashkon’s “Don’t Stop Beilieving” Gigantes 2010 Anthem, you need to check
it out.  


Honestly.  I am jealous I do not have the talent to do
something like this.

I love the Will
“The Thrill” impersonation.