Tagged: Brian Wilson

A Call to Action for More Neck Tattoos

 

A Call to Action for More Neck Tattoos

5/24/11

SLY

 

I’ve often written about my affinity for neck tats and the people who decided they are a good look and fit for their lifestyle.

 

My hypothesis: Neck tattoos are predominantly on three groups of people:

 

1. Professional Athletes. (Basketball players are the worse offenders.)

 

2. Entertainers. (A better decision for Musical acts than Actor.)

 

3. Self-Employed or in a field that does not require customer interaction.

 

My thoughts are rational and I feel they are self evident.The all too proud owners of neck tattoos make the bold statement that: “I never have to worry about my appearance to make a living.”

 

A person in group #3 is most likely an excellent chef who has appeared on “No Reservations” or associated with illegal activities.

 

(I have been on a Tony Bourdain: No Reservations kick.I watched the Pacific Northwest episode where every chef was tat’d from head to toe.)

 

Gangland has also been a DVR favorite of mine the past few years.The number of tattoos on the necks of the criminals on Gangland is astounding. Why would anyone who engages in constant illegal acts ever want to have an easily identifiable trait?

 

Criminals must have been smarter in the past.I cannot think of one famous Mafioso who ever donned a neck tattoo.

 

This brings me to Giovanni Ramirez, the prime suspect in the Bryan Stow beating.I was elated on Sunday morning when the news was reported that he was in custody.I was more elated to learn what tip led to his arrest: Ramirez’s neck tattoo.

 

Ramirez’s Probation Officer (is anyone surprised that Ramirez is a convicted felon?) noticed that Ramirez’s neck tattoo was recently changed and that Ramirez resembled one of the men on the 300 Billboards around the Los Angeles area.

 

Why would someone change one of their most easily identifiable traits?Easy, when someone thinks that an easily indefinable trait may make them easier to indentify.

 

The ironic part is that if Ramirez left his neck tattoo as is, his probation officer probably never makes the call to the Los Angeles Police Department.

 

Witnesses may not even have been able to identify Ramirez’s neck tattoo.The senseless attack occurred at almost 9pm in parking lot that is not well lit.The sketches were not too detailed.

 

Ramirez’s paranoia from a physically identifiable trait he willingly added to his body led him make a decision which led to his arrest.

 

That’s beautiful.

 

Maybe we should take a page out of the “Scarlet Letter” and brand our felons.Instead of a Scarlet A, we should think of a hideous neck tattoo to identify felons of the United States of America.

 

The “Felon Neck Tattoo” would have to be something big, bold, and bright.

 

(Yes, Three Bs alliteration pun intended.)

 

A Bad Off Day

SLY

5/10/11

Have you ever had a day which went horrible but then when you look back and it could have been a lot worse?

 

That was my Monday.

 

I woke up on Monday with my eyes a shade of red which would have made Joseph Stalin blush.I arrived to work and tried to have as little contact with other employees and customers as possible. I had no idea what was wrong with my eyes.I thought about using WebMD.com for a self diagnosis but I didn’t feel like reading my obituary.WebMD seems to always come up with a diagnosis which is in need of immediate emergency care.

 

A Doctor’s appointment was made for later in the afternoon.

 

I filled out my new patient paperwork when I arrived at the doctor’s office.I saw a familiar face in the back of the office.

 

SLY: “Is that the Doctor?”

 

Receptionist: “Why yes, it is.”

 

SLY: “Funny, I know him. He is a customer of mine.”

 

Receptionist: “Where do you work?”

 

SLY: “Uh, the Casino.”

 

Dang it, I probably shouldn’t have called out the doctor before he sees me.

 

Doctor: “Whoa!” (As the Doctor entered the patient room)

 

I made sure to give the Doctor his proper respects by referring to him as Dr. (insert last name here), instead of the initials I have known him as for the last two years as a customer.

 

Doctor (insert last name here) had a surprisingly great personality.He was also a huge baseball and Gigantes fan.

 

Maybe that’s why I liked him.

 

Turns out I had some crazy allergies, much better than the diagnosis I would have received on WebMD.It took 27 years, but I finally experienced what so many of my family and friends complain of each year.

 

I now feel your pain in my eyes and wallet.The three prescriptions clocked in at $125.

Why do I pay for health insurance?

 

I arrived home in a bitter mood because of the cash spent on the prescriptions, the allergies, and there was no Gigantes game to look forward to.

 

The bitter mood soon turned to panic.

 

I noticed some water on the street in front of my house.I looked a little closer, it was not “some” water, it was a lot of water. Water was pouring into the street.I then heard an odd sound; it was the sound of water shooting into the air.I looked in horror as I saw what resembled “Old Faithful” in my backyard.

 

Water was shooting about 15 feet in the air.It was impressive.I would have taken time to snap a picture ff it wasn’t for the fact it was destroying the home I owe so much money on.

 

I threw off my suit, grabbed shorts, a shirt, and shoes I knew would be ruined.I ran to the backyard which was now 6-8 inches under water.I found the broken pipe, and was unable to stop Old Faithful.

 

I ran to the front of the house and turned off the main water supply.I looked like I just walked out of a swimming pool as I stood in shock on the sidewalk.

 

As I stood there soaked and dumbfounded, a lady walked past me with her dog.

 

LadyiWantedtoPunch: “Oh, Water.”

 

She then proceeded to lightly jump over the little puddle that was in her path.

 

I wanted to scream and curse her.

 

Look at me, almost grown up and able to deal with others.

 

I naturally called my Home Warranty company to fix my little water problem.

 

Turns out, the Home Warranty company (Fidelity Home Warranty) only covers incidents inside the actual home.

 

Thank you, I will now cancel your service.

 

I was unable to secure a plumber for Monday night.I would have brought out the soap and shampoo when Old Faithful was erupting if I known that would be the case.

 

A plumber arrived on Tuesday morning.I was expecting a hefty bill to fix the pipe.I acted like it was an easy fix to the plumber, and it was.$90 and 10 minutes later, my pipe was repaired.

 

As the plumber left he showed me where I could have shut off the water for only outside.

 

I felt like I belonged on the short bus.

 

I took a shower to wash off the shame of my home owner incompetence before work.

 

All in All the day could have been worse.My eyes could have had an un-curable new strain of pinkeye and my house could have been completely flooded.

 

I’ll take the $215 tab and shame of not knowing how my home functions.

 

I hate off-days.

The Daily Bs from http://The-Three-Bs.com

Here are March and April’s Daily Bs from http://The-Three-Bs.com 

4/29/11

 

Breaking News: Sharks love the taste of Wings.

 

The Sharks and Red Wings are set to square off in the Western Conference Semi-Finals tonight inSan Jose.I will be in attendance.I plan on being loud, obnoxious, and somewhat inebriated.

 

I do not change who I am for the playoffs.

 

Playoff Hockey can only be truly appreciated live.It has everything I love about sports: excitement, emotion, and drama.

 

I plan on catching most of Lincecum’s start against the Nationals at the Brit before the puck drops.

 

I have made it a point to watch a few Nationals games since F.P. Santangelo took the color analysis job with the team.

 

Goodness, I feel for the guy.How does F.P. deal with Bob Carpenter on a daily basis without becoming a raging alcoholic?

 

Most baseball fans are familiar with Bob Carpenter as he has done MLB game for ESPN for years.I have always enjoyed his voice and pace on the ESPN broadcasts.

 

My enjoyment of Carp diminishes with each Nationals game I watch.Maybe F.P. and Carp haven’t had enough time to build chemistry with each other.One thing is for sure, there is no natural chemistry between the two.

 

Here are a couple of quick exchanges from Carp and F.P.:

 

Man on 1st base with 1 out (pitcher not up).

 

Carp: “Should he bunt (Sacrifice) here?”

 

F.P.: “No.”

 

For non-stitch heads: No normal thinking baseball brain would sacrifice bunt with one out and a man on first (unless the pitcher was at bat).

 

A pitch thrown an eyelash off the plate called a ball.

 

F.P. “Wayyyy outside.”

 

Carp: “No way, that was really close.”

 

(This instance happens about once a game)

 

Poor Carp doesn’t get F.P.’s sarcasm, which is half of his shtick.

 

Here is my conclusion on Bob Carpenter: Carp has a great voice but rarely says anything of substance.He is the announcer version of a gorgeous dumb chic.Eventually you will see through the beauty and only notice the flaws.

 

The NFL Draft:

 

Patrick Conner (@pcon34) player bios on KNBR were the sole reason I enjoyed Thursday’s first round. They were informative and full of sexual innuendo.Right up my alley.P-Con would fit in nicely with the Three Bs crew.

 

I owe him a few drinks for the laughs.

 

Good bye Michael Scott:

 

LJ and I popped a bottle ofChampagnefor Michael Scott’s last appearance on the office.It was a sad television moment. A tear or two may or may not have been shed on the couch.

 

Michael Scott’s final line on the office was perfect.

 

Michael Scott: “I can’t wait to get this off my chest. (Microphone taken off and then no sound but Michael’s lips mouthed) That’s what she said.”

 

Television will miss you.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

4/28/11

 

The early morning start time made following the game rather difficult today.I had to (Gasp!) fulfill my job responsibilities.I caught about an innings worth of action on television while I followed the rest of the game on ESPN’s GameCast.I have yet to buy my ipad and Slingbox.I need these two items for my future sanity.

 

Congratulations to Ryan Vogelsong who earned his first major league win since 2005.His stat line of 5.2 IN, 2 ER, 4 H, 2 BB, and 8 Ks would have been The Spiritual Southpaw’s best performance of the year.

 

Vogelsong must be on cloud nine.

 

If Vogelsong doesn’t know how to get to cloud nine, I am sure tomorrow’s starter can help him find his way.

 

Los Gigantes went 2-24 with RISP for the three game series.That is not a recipe for winning a series.I will take it, los Gigantes haven’t fared too well in theSteelCityover the past few years.

 

A Three Bs observation:

 

I have talked to KJ and RT about the lineup the past few days.We all feel it is about time to switch Aubrey Huff and Pablo Sandoval in the batting order.I wouldn’t be surprised if the switch happens sooner than later.Pablo looks like an improved more polished 2009 version of himself.He is averaging a career high 3.75 pitches per plate appearance and swinging at a career low 52% of pitches thrown his way.

 

Plate discipline on and off the field has helped the Kung Fu Panda.

 

Goodbye to Michael Scott:

 

Tonight will be Michael Scott’s last scheduled (I guarantee he will be on the series finale) appearance on “The Office”.The show has not been as good the last few seasons, but last week’s “Dundies” episode reminded everyone how great the show used to be, as it was the best episode from the past 3 seasons.

I salute you Michael Scott.I wore a women’s suit at work today in your honor.

 

 

______________________________________________________________________________

4/26/11

 

Los Gigantes got swept by the Braves and I still managed to have a great weekend.Is this the first sign of maturity?

 

I hope not.

 

The Top 3 items from the weekend:

 

1. RT got engaged.

 

My longtime best friend asked his girl to marry him.He was on a beach in Hawaii, had a huge rock, and there might have been alcohol involved.How could she say no?

 

Congratulations to RT and Ashley.

 

Love you guys.

 

I was informed that I will be the best man and will need to tackle the challenge of throwing the bachelor party.

 

It is a great honor, I will do my best to re-create “The Hangover”, but I will add baseball references into the dialog.

 

2. My Pops found a new job.

 

My Pops has been out of a job for the last 6 months.He found an employer that recognizes and appreciates what he can bring to the company.I have no doubts he will kick ass.

 

3. I had my first Television interview.

 

It was local, the lights were bright, and I was nervous.I was a little stiff.I should have had a drink or three.I was interviewed about the online gambling sites that were shut down and how it has affected brick and mortar Casinos. I have a good amount of knowledge on the subject but I am not sure how well it translated into the clip they played.I did feel good that most of the information I gave to the reporter was used in the story.

 

I did look damn good.It was Orange Friday.I always wear the Orange Tie on Orange Friday.

 

This was my first TV appearance since RT and I were kicked out of Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.I am definitely telling that story along with The $200 French Fries stories at RT and Ashley’s wedding.

 

Easter Baseball:

 

I attended Los Gigantes and Braves game with my Pops on Easter Sunday.It was a beautiful day at the yard.I met Pops at 21st Amendment to have a holy beer. I got a Double Daddy (Speakeasy Brewery was a guest brew) since it was 9.5% and we were in a rush.

 

Dear Shaun,

 

Do not pound 9.5% beers. Do not pound 9.5% beers.Do not pound 9.5% beers.

 

Thank you,

 

Shaun

 

Pops and I received what appeared to be the last 2 replica World Series trophies at the gate.People were lined up at 8:30am to get the giveaway.They are currently selling for $50+ on ebay.People are sick.

 

I may use Gorilla Glue to glue the base of the trophy on the hood of my car where the BMW logo is.It may add value to my 230k mile car.

 

I did do something at the game I cannot remember doing since I have been able to drive.

 

I left as the game was headed to the 10th inning. The choice was not mine.I had to cover a shift for an employee at work.

 

I know, Sacrilege on Easter Sunday.

 

I ended up 45 minutes late to work.Maybe it was good I didn’t have to see the Miguel Tejada Statue not move for the Nate Mclouth 46-hopper into center field.

 

Miggy looks older than the 48 years of age he is listed in the media guide.

 

Los Gigantes are in Pittsburgh to face a family friend in Clint Hurdle.

 

Clint is one of my favorite people in baseball.I wish him all the success in the steel city, but I hope Los Gigantes put a hurting on the BucOs.I am looking forward to Ryan Vogelsong’s start on Thursday. He is facing the team he was traded to in 2001 from the team he was traded from.Is there such thing as double motivation? That was one of San Francisco’s two trade rapes of the Pirates in the last decade.

 

2001: Pittsburg received Armando Rios and Ryan Vogelsong while San Francisco netted Jason Schmidt and John Vanderwall.

 

2009: Pittsburg received Tim Alderson while San Francisco received Freddy Sanchez.

In both cases, Los Gigantes came up short reaching the playoffs in the year they made the trade but ended up in the World Series the next year.

 

What’s the Moral of the Story?Make a trade with Pittsburg!

 

I wrote Trade Rape and laughed, maturity be damned.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

4/20/11

Yesterday I placed the failed Lincecum no-hit bid squarely on the broad shoulders of Kenneth Jones.He handled the weight well and used his powerful JuJu to help Bay Area sports last night.

 

KJ used his JuJu on Ubaldo in the first inning, capped by another monstrous potato from Pablo Sandoval.Neil Everett of ESPN had one of the better lines I have heard on SportsCenter in a while: “The Panda lost 40 punds but still feasts on sliders.”

 

Yum Yum.

 

Give Pablo the MVP award if he continues his pace .328/.400/.603 with 48 HRs and 148 RBI.

 

…and Pablo just strained his right triceps.That never would have happened last year.Good to know he has muscles to strain now.

 

KJ’s JuJu was also placed on the Los Angeles Kings at the 19:12 mark in the 2nd period.As all Sharks fans know (and most sports fans inAmerica know by now) the Kings held a 4-0 lead, the game seemed all but over.

 

KJ turned to the A’s game (Andersondominated). I was disgusted.I flipped over to the A’s game and caught a little bit of the other late MLB games on the Extra Innings package (Best $$$ I have ever spent.The GF will probably hate me by July).I flipped back to the Sharks game, not because I felt they could come back. I truly thought the game and maybe the season was being flushed down the toilet.I turned back because my friend Nick alerted me he was playing “Shots for Goals.”The name says it all.I was now rooting for goals of any kind, especially once he told me that he was asked to come into work early the next morning.

 

3:08 into the 2nd period, Patty lights the lamp, 4-1 Kings.

 

6:53 into the 2nd period, Clowe puts the biscuit in the basket, 4-2 Kings

 

SLY: “Got a new game here.”

 

KJ: “Wake me when they get within a goal.”

 

13:32 into the 2nd period, Couture puts one in the old onion bag (resorting to soccer scoring references), 4-3 Kings.

 

SLY: “Ummm 4-3.”

 

13:47 into the 2nd period, Evil Ryan Smyth puts one in for the Kings, 5-3.

 

SLY: “Ummm 5-3, efffing Ryan Smyth.”

 

18:35 into the 2nd period, Clowe scores his second goal of the period, 5-4 Kings.

 

SLY: “5-4.”

 

KJ did not return any of these messages.He was concentrating his entire JuJu on the Kings.

 

It worked.

 

19:29 into the 2nd period, The Big Pavelski tied up the game.

 

(How many big time goals does this guy deliver?)

 

KJ: “Boom!!!!!!”

 

What a freaking period, 7 goals and 7 shots for Nick.He is a huge Sharks fan, I am sure the 5 shots from the Sharks went down like velvet.

 

Los Gigantes were playing in Coors Field, the way the goals were being put on the board; I had to wonder if this game was being played there as well.The non-humidor pucks must have been put into play.

 

The Kings brought out the pucks stashed in the humidor for the 3rd period.

 

The pucks from the humidor worked as there was no offense.

 

Overtime Playoff Hockey; try to convince me there is any sport with more drama.

 

3:09 into OT, Setoguchi scores one of the biggest goals in Sharks history.

 

I loved Setoguchi’s celebration; it was very Jonathon Cheechoo like.

 

One of my pet peeves (Not having Heinz ketchup at a restaurant is one.) is when announcers or writers proclaim an event or occurrence is unbelievable.It is one of the most over used phrases in sports.

I will never patronize your establishment if you serve this.

This was one time where I was not upset that Randy Hahn dropped an UNBELIEVABLE!!!

 

It truly was.

 

I imagine the 11th and final shot of the night for Nick went down easier than the first 10.

 

Final Note:

A very Happy 23rd Birthday to Brandon Belt, whose birthday gift from Los Gigantes was a free plane ticket back to Fresno.

 

Someone remind the kid about a guy named Matt Williams.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

4/19/11

 

The Juju That Ruined The No-Hit Bid

 

Tim Lincecum’s no hit bid ended in the 7th inning on a 3-1 fastball that Carlos Gonzalez smacked into right field.Who was the happiest the no-hit bid failed?

 

A gigante Gigantes fan.

 

I am talking about Kenneth Jones, or as he is known on The Three Bs: KJ.

 

KJ was in a classroom 1,240 miles west of Coors Field.He had no access to a television and his ipod cannot pick up an AM radio signal.KJ’s blackberry (MLB.com and my BBMs) was his only source of updates.

(Insert Slingbox Plug here.)

 

BBM Messaging:

 

6:57pm

 

SLY: “The hit column has 0 hits for theRockiesthrough 5.”

 

KJ: “I see said the blind man.”

 

7:08pm

 

SLY: “Six innings complete.”

 

KJ: “FML”

 

(For those of you who do not know 14 year old girl lingo; FML stands for Fuck My Life.)

 

KJ did not want this no-hit bid to go down for a couple of reasons:

 

1.Nobody wants to hear about or watch the highlights of a no-hitter. We (fans) need to watch it live.We want to brag to our friends that we watched the game from the beginning.

 

(I have only watched two no-hitters from 1st to last pitch: 1. Kevin Millwood vs. Los Gigantes and Jonathon Sanchez vs. The Fathers.

 

This is why ESPN will always break programming and go to a no-hitter in progress.

 

2.He missed most of Jonathon Sanchez’s no hitter in 2009.He was at dinner with the lovely KTbug.He loves KTbug, but this had to kill him inside.I know how upset I would be.

 

Note to all girls.If a pitcher from your man or woman’s (politically correct) favorite team is throwing a no-no or perfect game, please allow them to drop whatever they are doing immediately and proceed straight to a television set.

 

If we are not allowed to do this, we will always hold some sort of resentment for the remainder of the relationship.

 

With these two reasons, KJ did not want Big Time to throw the no-no.

 

7:25pm

 

SLY: “You can relax; CarGo just hit a single with one out in the 7th.”

 

KJ: “Thank God.”

 

I believe negative feelings and vibes can manifest itself into something real, and I believe this is what happened with Lincecum’s no-hit bid.

Is it any surprise that KJ owns a Pedro Cerrano jersey?

KJ’s negative juju ruined any chance of Lincecum throwing a no-hitter yesterday.

 

I have to admit, I am impressed but a little scared of KJ at the moment.To change the course of history using only negative thoughts is an impressive feat.

 

KJ should put his powers to use; maybe Matt Kemp can pull a hammy?

 

Just sayin’.

 

Other Notes:

 

Nate Schierholtz’s moon shot yesterday was Bonsian.I haven’t yelled “Oh My God!” since Panda almost went splash in Right-Center at AT&T during Jonathon Sanchez’s no-hitter in 2009.

Nate must be using the flaxseed oil.

(Yes, I was drawling parallels from the 2 games as early as the 3rd inning).

 

Cody Ross will be activated tomorrow.I would send Darren Ford down and wait for Torres to be activated before I demote Belt.

 

I expect Belt will start some games in leftfield inFresno.This will only give Los Gigantes more flexibility when he returns.

 

Belt looked tentative the last 10 or so days.He was missing 3-2 belt high fastballs.That is a sign he is in his own head.He will figure it out.I am rooting for the kid.

 

Ubaldo is on the hill tonight.I hope the rust from the DL is evident.

 

If Ublado looks good after three innings, I will call in KJ’s negative juju.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/14/11

Well, that did not last long.

 

The Bryan Stow Peace Treaty lasted all of two days.It appears the BS Peace Treaty applies only off the field.

 

(As it should)

 

I would like to personally thank Don Mattingly.

 

Thank you, and…

 

By drilling Buster twice it appears Mattingly is trying to ignite the brawl fuse.Does he think it will bond his team together?

 

The PPV Gigantes/Doyers Royal Rumble is a real possibility next month when they meet again.

 

Will DirecTV let me order early?

 

Speaking of ordering, how many Gigantes fans ordered Showtime to watch “The Franchise: A Season with Los Gigantes de San Fransico” last night?

 

I know RT was one of them.

 

RT was alarmed when a Penn & Teller show was shown on the TV Guide time-slot where “The Franchise” was suppose to air.His blood pressure lowered when he saw Boch light up the cigar.

 

Nicotine calms even through the television.

 

If you thought the show felt rushed, you were right.Remember that the show was a preview and was only 30 minutes long.The producers of the show attempted to briefly introduce the audience to the main cogs of the team and a couple feel good stories (Marc Kroon and Brandon Belt).I believe they will gauge the response and try to play off whatever story lines or players test out the highest with the test audiences.

 

I am guessing we will see a whole lot of B-Weeze, Timmy, Skinny Panda, and Buster.

 

What was the best part of the show?

 

1. The off-season workouts of Andy Torres.

 

Torres work-out attire was classic.He did not wear a shirt or shoes.He did sport a massive platinum chain and True Religion denim jeans.

 

Torres workout consisted of running up dirt hills and throwing cinder blocks over his head.

It was like he was the Puerto Rican Rocky.Eye of the Tiger should have been playing as background music as he was on screen.

This is how I imagine Domingo Ayala trained when he successfuly defended his Rookie of the Year award.

“Pop da chain.”

2.The Soulful Southpaw.

Now pitching #75, The Soulful Southpaw

I affectionately refer to Barry Zito as the Singer/Songwriter, I am ditching that handle for the one Showtime bestowed upon him; The Soulful Southpaw.

 

No follow up joke/line needed.

 

RT suggested that we can no longer call The Soulful Southpaw by his given name, only his handle.

 

Done.

 

Today’s off day allows the Sharks to be front and center in Bay Area sports.

 

I love that we (fans) can use the same chant from the last three nights.Playoff matchups create and build rivalries.This could be the birth of Sharks and Kings hatred for each other.The rivalry possibility has all the ingredients; all it will take to become alive is a 6 or 7 game series.

 

Does anyone else have a feeling this is the year the Sharks are going to finally break though and win Lord Stanley’s Cup?

 

Over the past 5 years the Sharks have been the most successful professional team in the Bay Area (The Sabercats and their Arena Bowls excluded). This season has had a different feel than the last few years. They didn’t come out of the chutes on fire as they have the last 3 years. They were horrible the first two months and sat in 13th in the West.

 

The Sharks peaked at the right time and rocketed to finish with the two seed.

 

Kind of reminds me of Los Gigantes and their World Series run.

 

Nothing is better than Playoff Hockey…except Playoff Baseball.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/13/11

 

It was me.I ruined Timmy’s 4th inning.

 

Top 1:

 

BBM CHAT:

 

SLY: “Timmy looks incredible, Superman status.”

 

KJ:“96 MPH, Los Doyers have no chance.”

 

After the 3rd inning, I had a conversation with myself as if I were in a two-man announcing booth.

 

(Yes, these are part of my game watching activities when I am alone.)

 

SLY (Normalvoice): “Timmy looks like he has no-hit stuff.”

 

SLY (Deep announcer voice): “I hope the 49 pitches through three innings does not hurt his chances.”

 

(Full disclosure: I cooked a nice little dinner for myself and may or may not have been drinking.)

 

4th inning: One pitch, one out.

 

SLY (Normal Voice): “That will help the pitch count (glare at partner).

 

SLY (Deep announcer voice): “Thank you Johnny Obvious.”

 

Then it happened.

 

Timmy transformed from Superman to that dude inSeattlewho fancies himself a superhero.Yes, This guy.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend…Pheonix Jones

With the game seemingly hanging in the balance, Timmy revealed his best attribute (besides his freakish talent), his heart.Down 3-0 with men on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out, he managed to escape without any further damage.

 

Is there a superhero whose superhero ability is damage control?

 

Stan Lee says……no.

 

(Probably would not be the best seller at the comic book store.)

 

You know the rest of the game story.

 

It was easily the most satisfying game of the short season.

 

Since I announced the game to myself last night, I have the authority to comment on Kruk and Kuip.

 

Kruk and Kuip were on fire last night.KJ and I openly wondered if they were drinking the happy juice.

We can only hope this is the future of Kruk and Kuip.

Here are a few of their gems:

 

Kruk: “Kemp is Cabbage!”

 

(Kemp was caught stealing in the 2nd inning.What does that (Cabbage) even mean?I never heard that phrase until theSouthPark “JerseyShore” episode.Can somebody please enlighten me?I need to know.)

 

Kuip: “What a bitch’n tie.”

 

(A cameraman panned the crowd and came upon man in his work attire.The tie was flashy; it had silver, green, and purple.I was taken aback by the terminology.Was bitch’n used in the 70s?)

 

Kruk: “This is an absolute strikeout situation.”

 

(Kruk went to this line twice, in the 4th and 6th innings.What’s the problem you may ask?There were runners on the corners with 1 out in both situations.Am I the only one who wants a double play over a strikeout in this situation?)

 

By the way, I love Kruk and Kuip.The guys are quickly becoming classics.They remind me of a television series where as the years go on the characters’ personalities are more defined and then exaggerated.

 

Check out the first season of “The Simpsons”, Homer has lost a few points off his IQ each succeeding season.

Season 1 Season 20

A PPV Mealy:

 

On Monday, Juan BooOo-ribe was a whole lot of happy when he received his World Series ring. On Tuesday, it looked like he was ready to charge the mound after Timmy drilled him with his 115th and final pitch of the night in the 6th inning.

 

It was the second time Timmy has drilled BooOo-ribe this season.The umpire had to get in front of Juan as he shouted, “Das da sesond EFFing ty-mine!”

 

It got me thinking, what if someone charged Timmy on the mound?

 

It might be the biggest brawl in SF Gigantes history, Juan Marichal/John Roseboro included.

I doubt Timmy would get touched.Do you know what the top speed of a lean and mean Panda who knows kung fu is?

 

….I am not sure either, but I have a feeling we would see the Panda’s 7th gear hauling from 3rd base to intercept the would-be mound charger.

 

Panda’s are cute and vicious.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/12/11

 

It all comes out in the wash: gum, coins, bills, anti-diarrhea pills, condoms, and bad defense.Most Gigantes fans were well aware Los Gigantes played out of their heads defensively last postseason.Their shortcomings on defense were not exposed.

 

The wash cycle had ended.Thank God, for the extra long wash cycle!It could have ended in 2010.

 

Can I blame the poor defense on Brandon Belt’s excellence at first base?His bat and glove forced Aubrey Huff to the outfield.Los Gigantes have been exposed far too often in the outfield this year.

 

What happened to the best athlete on the team?

 

The taped body outline of #17 is seared into my brain.

 

Thoughts on Belt:

 

Belt probably has about 2 weeks to figure things out.He does not look comfortable right now.How many 4-3 putouts are we going to see?He has to be close to the record for most 4-3 putouts over a three-game period.I have six on my count (2 Friday, 3 Sunday, and 1 Monday).

 

Here is the BBM conversation with RT and KJ last night during Belt’s last at bat:

 

SLY: “4-3, 4-3, 4-3, 4-3, and 4-3.”

 

At the exact same time…

 

KJ: “How many 4-3’s does BB have now?”

 

RT: “A lot.”

 

If Belt does continue to struggle (Watch him go 4×4 tonight) and is optioned toFresno, there is some good that could come out of the situation.Start Belt in left field atFresno.He is a good enough athlete that he will figure it out.Los Gigantes defense will be largely improved if Belt can become a league average outfield defender.

 

Los Gigantes have Huff for next year as well.He is at the stage of his career where his defense can only decline.

 

Huff is less of a liability at first base.Belt can slide into the everyday 1st base roll in 2013.

 

Of course, this is all predicated on Belt being optioned toFresno.Los Gigantes will not try this experiment in a Major League game.

 

This option could also be readdressed after the season.

 

Since I just wrote this, Belt will go on a 20-42 tear and Huff will look like Roberto Clemente in right field.

 

I will enjoy the taste of crow.

 

Big Time Timmy Jim is on the bump tonight.

 

He looks filthy.

 

I do not believe Timmy has washed all season.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

4/11/11

Los Gigantes won 2 of 3 from the Cardinals.We should all thank Colby Rasmus.

 

I haven’t written a love letter in a while, it is about time.

 

 

Dear Colby,

 

You dashed like a gazelle into left-center field on both Friday and Saturday with your hair lightly bouncing in a way that reminded me of Fabio riding a horse on beach with a slight breeze from the ocean air.I know it was my love that stopped you from retrieving the ball that A-Row hit on Friday and dropping Miggy’s ball on Saturday.

 

You wanted to make me happy, I appreciate that.

 

I will return the favor (No homo).Let me know when and where.

 

I cannot wait to see you in St. Louis.

 

Love,

 

Shaun Lauren Yaple

I am sure that little note makes up for the looks Colby received from LaRussa the past couple of days.

 

The Dodgers come into town tonight. If there is anyone who wants to get even for Brian Stow, please don’t. Sports are for entertainment (Not Sports Entertainment!) and supposed to be fun.

 

Fans who engage in violence need to know who they are and where they’re at.Take a good look in the mirror. You will undoubtedly see a loser.

 

Hate the Franchise, not the people.

 

One Love and Go Gigantes.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/8/11

Los Gigantes will raise their 2010 World Championship banner momentarily.

 

Damn, it feels good to be a world champion.

 

Take it in….

 

Alright, that’s enough.There is a game to play and win.

 

Here’s hoping we get the Dirty Sanchez on this Opening Home game celebration.From what I hear, that exactly what is going on at 3rd and King this morning.My Pops (never one to miss a party) has confirmed the bars were packed by 10AM and the championship liquor was flowing free.

Why do you have Jager and a Bloody Mary? “Cause I like to party.”

I am disappointed I am not celebrating in a drunken baseball stupor with my Pops.

 

One quick baseball tangent:

 

MLB Tonight on the MLB Network spent a solid 10 minutes on Bryce Harper’s professional debut in A-ball.

 

Is it possible to be sick of the dude before I watch him play a big league game?I don’t need Japanese style reports on Bryce Harper’s minor league games.

 

Wake me when he hits his 100th big league home run (2013).

 

Here is a sad fact about Bryce Harper. If he has a career that mirrors Pat Burrell (.840 OPS, 300 HR, and 1,000 RBIs) he will largely be considered a failure.

 

Now if Bryce has half of Pat the Bat’s sex tales, he will be a winner in my eyes.

 

Beer Me:

 

I will be attending the Bay Area Craft Beer Festival tomorrow with KJ, C-Lew, and the Real Dante’ Hicks tomorrow afternoon.

 

It should be a delicious S-Show.

Here is a preview:

I hope to still be awake before first pitch on Saturday night.

4/6/11

 

$$$ Well Spent

 

I paid $210 for the MLB Extra Innings package from DirecTV.I came to the realization that I will spend a whole lot more dinero because of this purchase.

 

Since I paid for the service, I want to get as much use as possible.To me, that means, always having access to the service.

 

Gameplan:

 

1: Purchase Slingbox HD Pro:$ 299.00

2. Purchase ipad 2 (32GB):$ 729.00

______________________Total: $1,029.00

 

I do not want to estimate what I will spend on tickets, food, and booze at live games this year.I am sure the price will be north of what the gadgets cost.

 

I need to stay productive at work to support my MLB addiction.

 

New Year, New Fads!

 

One week into the 2011 MLB season and a couple of fads have caught on:

 

1. Appendectomies are cool!

 

Stomach hurt?Take out your appendix!

 

I was worried when Andy Torres had his appendix taken out last year.He came back and helped Los Gigantes win the World Series.

 

There must be an Appendectomy to World Series winner correlation.

 

Matt Holliday and Adam Dunn will put my hypothesis to the test.

 

(Dunn and the White Sox have a better chance to prove the hypothesis.)

 

 

2. The MLB2K11 advertisements must be grueling on the Oblique muscles.

 

Brian Wilson strained his oblique holding his early 1990s cell phone a little too tight during filming.

 

Evan Longoria swung too hard trying to impress the young intern on the set.His digital self did hit some monster bombs.

 

He impressed the young intern.

 

Roy Halladay may be the next to fall.

 

I think the 2K series may have a curse forming.In 2010, Nelson Cruz, Kendry(s) Moralas, and Andrew Bailey were all featured in the 2K commercials.

 

All missed significant time in 2010.

 

Good to see the Madden Curse has found an heir-apparent.

 

Hoot and Holler:

 

Give me a second to blow off some steam…

 

Another 3:35 PM start time for Los Gigantes and the Fathers?I hate Twilight start times.I hate the word Twilight.I hate the Movie series about the super-EMO, non-attractive, and whiney beezy.

 

I hate that I have used the word “hate” five times in the past four sentences.

 

4 of Los Gigantes first 6 games have had Twilight start times.

 

Yes, I hate that.If you do not know why I hate Twilight start times, please read yesterday’s (4/5) Daily Bs.

 

The good news?

 

Lincecum will shove and Los Gigantes will win.

 

If not, Buster may need an Appendectomy to jumpstart the season.

I hope it doesn’t come to that.

4/5/11

 

Los Gigantes and The Fathers have a 3:30 PM start time.

 

Padres’ management must love shadows.

 

What are shadows good for?

 

1. Viewing a Day Eclipse.

2. Allows the Groundhog make his only contribution to society.

 

3. Entertainment for kids at sleepovers (Animal hand shadows).

 

4. Good for funny sex scenes in movies (camping tents).

 

5. Baseball Pitching Staffs (Exclude Barry Zito from Sunday).

 

 

What are Shadows not good for?

 

1. Aubrey Huff in the outfield.

 

2. Offense in Baseball games.

 

3. Viewing a Baseball game on TV.

 

4.Announcers of Baseball Games.

 

5.BASEBALL.

 

The Padres are smart little devils.Who gets the ball for the Padres this afternoon?

That would be Aaron Haran, who sports a 4.72ERA and a WHIP of 1.45 over the past three years.

 

Little known fact: Shadows and Aaron Harang are BFFs.

 

The Padres have successfully closed the gap of talent between themselves and Los Gigantes with a natural resource: Shadows.

 

If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

_____________________________________________________________________

4/4/11

Top Quotes of the weekend from Dodger fans and our reactions.

 

1. Many Dodgers Fans: “The Giants Suck!”

 

2010, 2010, and 2010.

 

2. One confused baseball fan “The Orioles Suck!”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

3. Dodgers fan who may have a few cameos on Gangland: “I want to kill some Giants fans.”

…All quiet on The Three Bs front.KJ did not even have to prompt me on that one.

 

 

4. A Woman who tried to block entry to our section: “Give me your Snuggie.”

 

I hate the Dodgers but love capitalism.It will be on ebay.

 

5. A Dodgers fan after I told him his World Series Trophy is old enough to buy him an alcoholic beverage: “Is that the last time we won?”

 

Yeah, that would be 1988.

6. Douche-bag Dodgers fan behind us when KJ and Ipartook in deuces (2 balls, 2 strikes, and 2 outs) in the 8th inning of Sunday’s contest: “Is that a cocaine reference?

Yes, it is a cocaine reference.

 

7. Same Douche bag as #6 when he made fun of Japan and even I thought it was off-colored: “That’s what we do in L.A. we make fun of everything.”

 

Because of Douche bag?

 

8. Dodger fan and fellow amateur writer Andrei Ojeda: “Which one of you is the blogger?”

 

I was kind of shocked to be somewhat recognized.Good stuff.

 

9.Same Douche Bag as 6 and 7: “You blog, oh goodness.”

 

SLY:“Hey, If Jonathon Broxton was a fruit, what would he be?”

 

So-Cal DB: “I dunno bro, what?”

SLY: “A Pear.”

 

So-Cal DB: “Whaaa?”

 

SLY: “Because they look the same.”

 

So-Cal DB: “Aww man, you’re kind of funny.”

 

Thank you for fitting into your XS shirt.

10: Dodger-Talk Radio Host after the game: “I don’t get the last reference.”

 

I called in to Dodger-Talk on 790AM on the way out of Dodger Stadium and gave them three things Jonathon Broxton can do to ensure a successful season.

 

1: Grow a beard, dye it black.

 

2: P90X.

 

3. Go on George Lopez.

Peace out Los Angeles.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/1/11

Ten thoughts on Opening Day:

1.The 2011 version of the Brewers are Harvey’s Wall Bangers 2.0.Too bad the Brewers have to use the bullpen.

 

2.There is magic in Dusty’s wristbands and toothpicks.

 

3. John Sterling is as annoying as ever.“Teixeria sends a Tex message to right field. Yes, You’re right on the mark, Teixeria.”

 

 

4.The Cardinals will be able to afford Albert Pujols if he stays on pace to hit into 486 double plays.

 

5. Jayson Heyward is the next Kaz Matsui.

 

6. Bud Black owns a magic wand.

 

7. Maybe I can predict the future.Clayton Kershaw, wow.

 

8. I may not return alive from Los Angeles this weekend. A few knuckleheads don’t get it.Enjoy the game more, brothers.

 

9. Re-read BoooOOoo-Rrrriiiiibbbbbbbbeeee. He is officially fair game.

 

10.I love Baseball.

 

3/31/11

A start of a new season brings a start of a new feature to The Three Bs.The Daily Bs will be short, sweet, and updated daily.Enjoy!

My thoughts on Barry Zito’s car accident:

 

Please Jesus, let Barry Zito make his scheduled start on Sunday.I wouldn’t want the season debut of “The Barry Zito Drinking Game” to be delayed.

 

Opening Day is my Christmas.I am sure many people around the country feel the same.I will not be productive at work as I constantly check box scores, twitter updates, and follow each of my fantasy player’s at bats.

Welcome back Baseball, How I have missed you.

 

Play Ball!

Opening Day Diary

For Daily Updates

Please Check Out http://The-Three-Bs.com

 

 

Los Gigantes Home Opener 4/9/11

 

I had my real world job to perform during Opening Day last Friday.  Lucky for me, RT had the day off.  He agreed to do a running diary during the game.  My thoughts are in italics under his.

 

11:58am: Beer numero uno.

 

Lucky ******* sitting on his couch while I try to sneak glances at the Television.

 

12:17pm: Ray Ratto is wearing a hideous sweater.

 

It is almost to the point where Ratto is like Craig Sager.  I can’t wait to see what he is wearing.  If Ratto ever wears a yellow corduroy sweater, my head will explode.

 

12:35pm: Bull Neukom’s sport coat is older than Willie Mays and uglier than Amy G.

 

Agreed.

12:37pm: Beer Numero dos.

 

Really? You have the day off and you are on a 39 minute per beer pace.  It takes no talent to go at your best speed at a high speed.  I am disappointed in my brother at the moment.

12:40pm. I wish I had tickets.  My *** won’t leave the couch for the next 3 hours.

 

Make that 4 hours and 24 minutes.


12:47pm: Oh God, Renel.

 

Now batting….Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry Boooonnnnnnnds (ear bleeding levels).

 

12:52 pm: Ashley (girlfriend) is home for lunch. I offer her a beer and she declines.  Beer numero tres.

 

I would have tried sex.  Good to see RT finished the 2nd beer at 15 minutes.  Beer pace lowered to 27 minutes per beer.  I am still disappointed.

12:55 pm: Train? Really? Bands Before games are lame.

 

If Train performing before an opener was the punishment for winning the World Series, I don’t know if it is worth it.


Los Gigantes enter the field from Center.  I hope this becomes a new tradition.

 

I think RT is drunk off 2 ½ beers.  The time stamps have disappeared.


Brian Wilson is the man. “Cooperstown wanted this ball. I told them no. They can have our players but not this ball.”

 

#WorldseriesWinning

 

Nice tribute to Brian Stow with a Beat LA chant. Love it.

 

If Brian Stow does not recover, does he get a patch? I vote yes. 

brian-wilson-raise the banner.jpg

 

Brian Wilson runs out to center to raise the championship banner.  Is it over the top? Maybe, but it is complete awesomeness.  I have Goosebumps.

 

Brian Wilson will be a professional wrestler before he becomes a Ninja Action Movie Star.


Game Time:

 

How pissed is Tony LaRussa?  He had to stand on the field for almost an hour.  There are ceremonies for each of the weekend games as well.  A Gigante may get plunked to send a message to Los Gigantes management to tame down the pre-game ceremonies.

 

-Top 1: Jonathon Sanchez starts the game with a 4 pitch walk. He’ll come back n strike out the side. That is the Sanchez we all know and love.

 

Poor Bochy. I think Sanchez has taken years off his life.  We have inning stamps!

 

Top 2: Uhhh, Huff in the outfield. When is Ross Back? Dammit, 1-0 Cardinals.


aubrey-huff.jpg 

If Belt sticks, Huff will be out there next year as well.  What happened to the best athlete on the team?

 

Bottom 2: Pablo takes two pitches (balls), I pitch a tent, Pablo swings at the next pitch (ball), I lose my tent, Pablo with a base hit, and the tent is re-pitched. 

 

I understand completely.  Where is the cerveza update?  I am kind of living through you at the moment.


Top 3:  Uggg, Huff again.

 

U.G.L.Y.  This is becoming a real problem.

 

Bottom 3: WOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOO (Tejada bomb).

 

And Tejada becomes the Statue to hit a home run in the Big Leagues.  Why is his home run trot appear so fast, but he looks so slow on everything else?

 

Hell yeah, Jonathon Sanchez with a double.

 

Boom, Freddy Sanchez with his own double.


double double.jpg 

 

Double-Double! Can I trademark the “in-N-out” offense? 

Top 5: Jonathon Sanchez is settled. He looks good.  Burrell makes a great catch as he crashes into the wall.

 

Ummm, what happened to the 4th inning? 

 

Bottom 5:  I stopped counting beers but there are only 2 Coronas left.


beer fridge.jpgFail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail 


The lapses in time are explained!


Top 6: Once again Sanchez can’t get through 6.  The long first did him in.

 

He averaged 5.8 innings per start last year.  You know what you’re getting.

 

Bottom 6: Everytime Burrell is up I think he is going to go deep.  30 seconds later: Boom, Burrell goes El Centro.

 

Belt hits his 1st MLB double!  Put him in the Hall!

Whenever I think about Burrell, I think about him defecating on some girl’s living room because she passed out and couldn’t get with Pat The Bat.

 

Belt goes into the hall in 2032.  Book it.

 

Top 7:  Affeldt looks unhittable.

 

Welcome back 20.09 Version.  20.10 Version was put in the recycle bin.

 

Top 8: Home Depot doing more on defense, yeah Pablo!

 

I guess RT finished his all the beer.  I do not get it.


Top 9: Wilson time. That beard has so much amazing inside.

 

It is so dense it can even support rust.

 

What is that tattoo on Yadier Molina’s neck.  A camera shot zoomed in but I cannot figure it out.


yadier neck tat.jpg 

 

I am not sure what it is, but I know what it signifies: I am a professional athlete. I do what I want.  I will never have to rely on anyone else for employment. 

Walk, infield single and now a HBP to Jon Jay.  This is turning into a typical Wilson save.  I feel a mini ulcer forming.

 

Kaz Matusi at the plate….errr Ryan Theriot doing his best impression.

 

Mother Eff’er (Theriot singles in two. 5-4 Cardinals).

 

That’s not how the Matsui at bat ended last year.

 

Bottom 9: Great, Rowand is hitting for Huff, stupid defensive replacement.  I mean, great job A-Row!

 

Panda comes through!!!  Bonus Baseball!

 

It feels strange to feel confident in Rowand.  I think this happens every April and May.  By June I will completely forget this feeling and loathe his at bats.

 

Top 11: Oh boy, only Runzler left.  He dominates.

 

I have man crushes on lefty relievers who have filthy stuff.  It may be a fetish.


Bottom 11: Torres hits a  leadoff double.  Go start.  Free 90 feet?  Thank you very much.  Lets go F.Sanchee.  Here is the 5 infielder defense.  Get her in the air.  F.Sanchee out.  Rowand has a chance to be the hero two years in a row.

 

At this point, I got off work and went to the bar. I could no longer handle ESPN Gamecast.  See, I need an ipad and Slingbox in my life.  Wow, Great play Allan Craig.

Intentional walks to Posey and Sandoval give DeRosa a chance to beat his former team.

Bat. On. Shoulder.

 

EFFF.

You gotta swing the battttt, you gotttttta swing the batttttttt.  I was just offered a beer.  I accepted.

 

Man at Bar: “Why did you accept my offer now but not 10 minutes ago?”

 

SLY: “Alcohol is a depressant.  I am depressed.”

 

Top 12:  Great inning from Runzler.  That is the Runzler I saw in Spring Training.

 

I am upset I didn’t get to see any Spring Training games.  In related news, my liver thanked me for not attending Spring Training in 2011.

 

Bottom 12:  Here we go. Runners are on the corners with two outs.  Here comes Rowand.  Hammered that, Game Over!


arow hero.jpg 

Two years in a row for A-Row!  Again remind me of how I felt about Rowand in a couple months.

A big thank you to Colby Rasmus for slowing down on that ball, I thought he had a good opportunity to make the play. 

 

tony-larussa-colby-rasmus-cardinals.jpg

 

Another beer please.

 

Man in Bar: “I thought you drink when you are depressed?”

 

SLY: “I also drink when I am happy.”

 

BIG thanks to RT.  I know that was a pain in the A$s.

 

Hello Postseason, May I come in?

Knock. Knock.

 

Who’s there?

 

The Postseason.

 

Who, what, come again?

 

The Postseason, I understand we haven’t seen each other in quite some time.

 

It’s been 7 years.  I didn’t think I would ever see you again.  Champagne to celebrate?

 

 

2003 was the last time los Gigantes made a postseason appearance. 

 

Flashback to 2003:

 

I was a 20 year old college baseball player, unable to legally purchase alcohol, gamble, or rent a car. 

 

2003 was also the year I got kicked out of Pac Bell Park when I interfered and “ruined baseball.” 

 

Skip (Head Baseball Coach at Napa Valley College) gave RT and I his front row bleacher seats over the Yahoo! sign.  The game was 8-1 (Marlins lead) in the bottom of the 7th.  Jeffery Hammonds (who was playing for Barry Lamar) hit a ball deep to left-center field.  The ball was coming straight for us.  It became apparent the ball was going to be a little short (Guess he was the only Gigante not taking advantage of BALCO).  I reached over the fence, and stretched, and then stretched some more.  My torso was completely over the fence with my arm outstretched as far as possible.  The ball hit the edge of the webbing of my PRO-ALMC model SSK and fell down to the warning track.


balco.jpg


If Jeffery looked like this, I would have caught the ball and not been humiliated.  


I lifted my torso back up, and was immediately booed by 40,000 Gigantes fans.  The intoxicated bleacher bum in the row behind us began pounding his fist into my back and screamed:

 

IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!!”

 

SLY: “It’s an 8-1 game, it was going to be a double anyways!”

 

IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!”

 

An Usher quickly came to escort me (RT came too) out of the ballpark for “ruining baseball”.  As I was being escorted out, 40,000 people began to cheer. 

 

I was being cheered, to leave.  Humiliating. 

 

As I took one look back to the field where I was being banished from, the young leftfielder of the Marlins, Miguel Cabrera gave me an appreciative thumbs up. 

 

You’re welcome Miguel.

 

The worst part wasn’t over.

 

My phone started to ring, and ring, and ring some more.

 

Dad: “What the hell were you doing?  Kruk circled, and then eliminated you.”


w-krukow + kuiper.jpg

 

I had this same call throughout the rest of the day.

 

I was on SportsCenter for the 2nd time (I have now been on 3 times, the third time was almost as embarrassing, another day another blog).

 

The cherry on top- The next day (Monday) I went to the cafeteria to get some lunch before baseball practice.  As I was purchasing my meal the lunch lady looked at me and said:

 

“If you are going to go over the fence, catch it, MEAT.”

 

I have not brought my glove to a professional ballgame since.

 

To end the 2003 flashback, the Marlins beat los Gigantes in the NLDS and went on to win the World Series.

 

The Marlins have been in the postseason twice (both Wild Cards) in their 17 year existence, have beaten los Gigantes in the NLDS both times, and went on to win the World Series both times.

 

Symmetry is disgusting.

 

Flash forward back to 2010.  Los Gigantes are one Dub-Ya away from poppin’ some bubbly. 

 

Asta La Bye-Bye Fathers.

 

Mad-Bum fought though his start for his first W at Pac-Bell/SBC/AT&T Park on Thursday. 

 

Los Gigantes again scored all of their runs off Jimmy Jacks.  It is as exciting as it is flawed.

 

…I really want to get back to Wednesday.

 

Los Gigantes and I had great days.

 

I was unable to watch the game, as KJ, RT, LJ, and I had tickets to watch the Black Keys perform at the Fox Theater.


Pat the Bat hit the 3-run Jimmy Jack during the opening act (The Black Seeds, solid act).  After the first 2 innings Timmy was in full control, we felt like the game was over.  It was. 

 

3-1 Gigantes. 

 

The Black Keys came to the stage.

 

Holy Smokes (Too bad Timmy couldn’t join in the fun).  

Timmy Smoke.jpg



I got ear EFFF’d by the Black Keys and loved every second of it.

 

As I enjoyed the love being made to my ears, I was able to draw one comparison between The Black Keys and los Gigantes.

 

Both played as a team with unparalleled confidence.

 

Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney are a team, a great team, and they get each other.  They diverge and extend their tracks when they see fit.  As a spectator, you can see them (Dan to Patrick) making eye contact, an unspoken sign that signifies where they will go next.

 

Los Gigantes are playing their best and most confident baseball of the year.  The 2010 version of los Gigantes has to be one of the best chemistry teams in San Francisco history.

 

KJ, RT, LJ, and I all left the Fox Theater in a state of nirvana. 

 

We were really hungry for some reason.

 

animal in n out.jpg

In N Out to the rescue.

 

 

POSTSEASON ROSTER DEBATE

 

As KJ and I were sitting on the couch during Thursday’s game, we started talking about the postseason roster and who would fill it out.

 

I asked him and RT to e-mail me their 25 man rosters.  I wanted to see how our rosters stacked up to Boch’s.

 

KJ and RT’s Roster were identical.  I truly think this is the 25 man roster Bochy will run with.  RT also added that he would add Chris Ray and sub Renteria in the 2nd round.  If los Gigantes are fortunate enough get to the 2nd round, where I expect them to face the Fight’n Phils, I would like to see another lefty in the pen.

 

Pitchers

 

Lincecum

Cain

Sanchez

Bumgarner

Zito

Wilson

Romo

Lopez

Ramirez

Casilla

Affeldt

 

INF

 

Posey

Huff

Sanchez

Sandoval

Uribe

Fontenot

Renteria

Ishikawa

Whiteside

 

OF

Guillen

Torres

Burrell

Ross

Schierholtz

 

I want to know one item before I make my final decision.  Does Bochy plan on starting Zito in a playoff series?

 

If Bochy plans on starting Zito, than this is the roster I would run with.

 

If Bochy does not plan on starting Zito, there is no use for him on this roster.  He cannot come out of the bullpen.  It takes him 50-75 throws to get loose.  I am sure most would agree that Zito is the weak link of our starters. 

 

If Zito is not used at as a starter, I would add Dan Runzler to the 25 man roster.  Lefty Power arms are scarce; los Gigantes already have one with Jeremy Affeldt, two would be deadly late in games (Phillies anyone?).

 

By the way, it looks like Jeremy joined the “Just for Men” beard team as well.

 

It would also be humorous to have $30 million dollars left off the postseason roster (Zito and Rowand).

 

Bochy will probably name Zito the 2 or 3 starter, citing his experience and MadBum will take the roster spot where I would place Runzler.

 

We will find out by Tuesday.

 

The postseason door is open, los Gigantes just have to walk through.

 

I can almost taste the cheap champagne and beer.

 

 

 

Los Gigantes Salvage Day

My engine was smoking 10 minutes into my 40 mile drive to work. 


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Fantastic.

 

I pulled off the freeway towards the nearest gas station.

 

I turned the engine off but left the radio on, the game was about to start.  Steam poured out of my radiator.  I called work to alert them of my situation.  Jhoulys Chacin struck out los Gigantes in the first inning.

 

This sucks.

 

I began the process of doing something I know I shouldn’t do, opening the radiator cap.  I grabbed an old shirt from my trunk and started to loosen the cap ever so slowly.  I stood an arms length away inching the cap with one finger until the pressure was stronger than the thread in the cap.

 

Boooooooom.

 

The cap flew 25 feet straight upward, followed by a 10 foot high jet stream of boiling water. 


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No Joke, this is what came out of my radiator. 


The force shocked and frightened the hell out of me.  I stared blankly at my car for a minute.  I was being stared at by every patron at the gas station. 


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I sheepishly retrieved my radiator cap which landed about 20 feet from my car.

 

Los Gigantes went down in order in the 2nd.

 

I re-filled the water in the car and checked the oil to see if I cracked a head.  I did not. 

 

I did get oil all over my suit; it was fresh from the dry cleaner.  I now smelt like my over-heated car.  It was very attractive.

 

I drove my car back home, sprayed on some cologne, and picked up LJ’s car to head towards work once more.

 

Lincecum was perfect through 4 innings, then 5 innings.  He sounded like he was in Cy-Timmy form (Flem and Jon were impressed).

 

KJ sent a bbm:  “Timmy, no base runners through 5.”

 

Seth Smith immediately blooped in a double to start the 6th.

 

That’s on you KJ, on you.

 

EY Jr. got the big two-out knock to give the Roxs the lead.

 

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.  I pounded the steering wheel and let out a multitude of f-bombs.


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I hate when we play in Colorado.  Coors Field is house of freaking horrors (Ryan Spilborghs anyone?).

 

The game looked like los Gigantes were back to their famine offense after the monster feast in Chicago the previous night. 

 

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Los Gigantes need to learn not to eat until they completely stuff themselves, it is not healthy.

 

Posey worked a walk to start the 7th.

 

I prayed to Jesus Christo.


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Dear Jesus Christo,

 

Please let Pat the Bat run into one.  Please.  I will not be angry about my $1000+ car repair or that I smell and my hands resemble anauto mechanic while wearing my professional work attire.  Timmy also needs to get a W here, he deserves it.  Please Jesus Christo, if you really exist….

 

“Highhhhhhhh Drrrriiivveee Lefffffttt Fielddddd.”

 

I believe in God.

 

I no longer cared about my car, clothes, or the depressed state I was previously in.  I was ecstatic.  It was almost an “I think something good happened moment”.  I will forever love Pat Burrell (unless he becomes a Dodger).  


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Happy f-bombs now came blurting out uncontrollably.  I am glad my Grandmother could not hear me, she would be ashamed.

 

I really should have been a sailor.  Too bad I get motion sickness.

 

I got to work to watch Timmy finish the 8th and B-Weezy go 1-2-3 to nail down the game and the coffin to the Rockies Rocktober hopes.


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There will be no Roctober this year


This game epitomized los Gigantes in September.  There was phenomenal pitching and a tater scored the runs.  It is a scary formula for success. 

 

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This formula has rendered my nail clippers useless.

 

Los Gigantes huge Dubbb-ya salvaged a day for myself where the days events were not going my way. 

 

If this happened in January, this day could not have been salvaged.

 

Thank you Gigantes…and Jesus Christo.

 

Thank you.

 

 


I got “Iced” and Fun 1917 Facts

Los Gigantes pitching staff have allowed 3 or fewer runs over the past 16 games, a truly historical stretch which has not been seen since 1917.

 

What was going on in 1917?

 

Woodrow Wilson was our nation’s president.

 

Blood was being shed in the First World War.

 

Babe Ruth had a better statistical pitching year than 417 game winner Walter “Big Train” Johnson. “The Sultan of Swat” went 23-13 with a 2.01 ERA for the Red Sox compared to Johnson’s 23-16 with a 2.21 ERA for Washington.

 

Ty Cobb was still sliding with his spikes high enough to reach the crouch area of opposing players while posting a sensational batting line of .383/.444./570. 

 

Harry Caray was born. 

 

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My favorite Harry Caray quote “Aw, how could he (Jorge Orta) lose the ball in the sun? He’s from Mexico.” 

 

Holy Cow, 1917 was a long time ago.

 

Los Gigantes are 10-6 during their historical run.  Over the past 11 games the pitching has been even better with a team ERA of 1.01, while only posing record of 6-5.

 

What’s up with the O?

 

The reliance of runs of home runs has been our downfall, feast or famine.

 

Thanksgiving is two months away.

 

57% (28/49) of los Gigantes runs the past 16 games have come from the long ball.

 

In 11 of the 16 games los Gigantes have scored 3 runs or less.

 

10-6 sounds good after a look at those fugly numbers.

 

B-Weezy must be praying to Jesus Christo more than normal.

 


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No worries B-Weezy, I got this.

 

Los Gigantes offense has been iced without help of the long ball.

 

I was “iced” last night. Ill explain what getting “iced” means for those of you who are under the age of 22 and don’t watch Tosh.0.

 

Iced: “When somebody plants a warm Smirnoff Ice for someone else to randomly find doing a routine task.”

 

When the Smirnoff Ice is found, the finder must go down on a knee and finish the tasty beverage before coming up.  Here is a youtube clip if you do not get the idea.

 

It is humiliating and hilarious.

 

I went to the back of my car to grab groceries, and there it was.  I looked at it with confusion until LJ ran out and started laughing.

 

I got iced for the first time.

 

I gave a laugh, dropped to a knee, and pounded the citrus tasting adult beverage.

 


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The end result.

 

It took me back to being 16.

 

The “Ice War” is on. 

 

Los Gigantes will not be iced tonight.

 

I feel about four taters tonight against Ryan Dempster.

 

The feast will be on.

 

Bumgarner and the pen will continue the streak.