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SLY
1/5/10

How do you do it Mr. Boras? 

 

You don’t negotiate.  Many times your client has little leverage.  You make teams bid against themselves. 

 

I think you are one with the force. 

 

Scott Boras: “Jasyon Werth $126 million, pay you will. Need him, you do.”

 

Mike Rizzo: “Yes Master Boras.”

 

Scott Boras: “$96 Million, Adrian Beltre needs. Pay him you will, or an Athletic become he will.”

 

Jon Daniels: “You don’t have to use your Jedi Mind Tricks on me.  I love Star Wars and since you attempted to talk like Yoda, Ill give you what you want.  Tell Adrian we are good to go.”

 

It cannot be this easy, can it?

 

Upon hearing the news of Adrian Beltre’s 6 year $96 (if 6^th year option vests) I went a little NuTs.

 

I proclaimed to all in earshot:

 

“Scott Boras could get me $2 million a year.”

 

A couple of co-workers (I guess they feel obligated to listen to my baseball rants) asked me how Scott Boras would sell me to a team. 

 

Easy, I am a good Clubhouse guy.

 

Here is how Mr. Scott Boras would sell Shaun Lauren Yaple to a Major League Baseball team.

 

Scott Boras: “A lot of people say you cannot put a price on chemistry in the clubhouse, well I can.  I created a binder for Shaun Lauren Yaple to illustrate all he can bring to your clubhouse and franchise.”

 

MLB GM: “Can he hit?”

 

Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.”

 

MLB GM: “Can he field?”

 

Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.”

MLB GM: “Run?”

 

Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.”

 

MLB GM: “Character?”

 

Scott Boras: “My client has team first mentality.  This applies off the field as well.  This is where YOU will find his value.  Mr. Yaple makes friends easy, he will surly be one of your Star players new best buds.  As we know, Stars need special treatment and Mr. Yaple will be there to assist.”

 

MLB GM: “How?”

 

Scott Boras: “For example, your Star player and my client go out for a few adult beverages.  After a couple hours they decide to leave, the Star is driving.  He crashes the vehicle.  My client will gladly switch seats and take the heat.  Of course the bonus escalators kick in once a situation like this occurs.”

 

MLB GM: “It is like asset protection.  How much does this service cost?”

 

Scott Boras: “$2 Million base, $100,000 for each misdemeanor, $250,000 for a felony, $1.2 million for each year in jail, and a 25 man roster spot.  As long as there are not any Ugueth Urbina characters, this is a must for your team.”

 

MLB GM: “What kind of playing time is he looking for?”

 

Scott Boras: “Irrelevant.” 

 

MLB GM: “I will send over the contract to our Attorneys.  I am going to leak this to www.mlbtraderumors.com. Thank you for your time Mr. Boras.”

 

Scott Boras:  “If you are happy with the service Mr. Yaple provides then I have another client that will meet your needs.  Kenneth L. Jones.”

 

MLB GM: “Tell me about him.”

 

Scott Boras: “The great Yogi Berra once said “90% of Baseball is mental, the other half is physical.” My Client can take care of the 90% part.”

 

MLB GM: “How?”

 

Scott Boras: “My Client is what we in the business call an “Ego Stroker”.  An “Ego Stroker” ensures players’ confidence levels are always high, therefore taking care of the 90% of the game.”

 

MLB GM: “Explain how your client will raise the confidence levels of my players.”

 

Scott Boras:  “My client will take batting practice with each player and remind them how great they are.  My client will delve into their past and find the time when they had their greatest successful in baseball, even if their greatest success came in little league. 

 

Kenneth Jones minored in Psychology at Napa Valley College, which is home to the #1 rated collegiate psychology program in Napa County.

 

My client will also participate in every intrasquad and simulated game during the season.  My client will strategically strike out, hit into double plays, and get picked off at opportune times to maximize confidence building.

 

Kenneth Jones also has amazing taste in music.  He is an amateur DJ who can make premier party mixes that cross nationality boundaries. 

 

As a Psychology minor, my client understands the notion “If you feel good, you play good.”  Everything my client does is calculated to stroke the ego of your fragile players.”

 

MLB GM: “Wow, this is even better than your clubhouse guy.”

 

Scott Boras: “Not better, it’s a different service. Both are highly trained and are the best at what they do.”

 

MLB GM: “What’s Kenneth Jones going to cost me?”

 

Scott Boras: “$1.5 million base, and $100k for every player with a +league average OPS, $100k for every positive UZR rating, and $1000 for every confidently screamed F-Yeah, and a 25 man roster spot.

 

MLB GM:  “What constitutes a confidently screamed F-Yeah?”

 

Scott Boras: “My accountant will be tracking the confidently screamed F-Yeahs.”

 

MLB GM: “I’ll have my lawyer draw up the contract.”

 

Scott Boras: “No need, I actually have the contracts for Shaun Yaple and Kenneth Jones drawn up, signed by the two players, and with the bonuses we agreed on.  All you have to do is sign here, here, here, here, and here.”

 

MLB GM: “Uhhh, Okay…Wait, are you sure these are the bonuses we agreed on?”

 

Scott Boras: “Sign you will. In demand, they are high.”

 

MLB GM: “Yes, Master Boras. Do you have any clients who actually play baseball?”

 

Scott Boras: “Of course I do, I have one of the most dominant young closers in baseball, Rafael Soriano. I am sure you are interested…”

 

….And that is how Master Scott Boras operates.

 

 

My favorite Three Bs items of the week.

 

Best Moment of the Week:

 

KJ called me at 1AM on Monday morning and awoke me with his musical stylings of this song:                                          

KJ also delivered the quote of the week when describing his actions afterward.

 

 

KJ: “It gave me a false sense that I was doing something right.”

 

 

Happy New Year!