Tagged: Freddy Sanchez

Opening Day Diary

For Daily Updates

Please Check Out http://The-Three-Bs.com

 

 

Los Gigantes Home Opener 4/9/11

 

I had my real world job to perform during Opening Day last Friday.  Lucky for me, RT had the day off.  He agreed to do a running diary during the game.  My thoughts are in italics under his.

 

11:58am: Beer numero uno.

 

Lucky ******* sitting on his couch while I try to sneak glances at the Television.

 

12:17pm: Ray Ratto is wearing a hideous sweater.

 

It is almost to the point where Ratto is like Craig Sager.  I can’t wait to see what he is wearing.  If Ratto ever wears a yellow corduroy sweater, my head will explode.

 

12:35pm: Bull Neukom’s sport coat is older than Willie Mays and uglier than Amy G.

 

Agreed.

12:37pm: Beer Numero dos.

 

Really? You have the day off and you are on a 39 minute per beer pace.  It takes no talent to go at your best speed at a high speed.  I am disappointed in my brother at the moment.

12:40pm. I wish I had tickets.  My *** won’t leave the couch for the next 3 hours.

 

Make that 4 hours and 24 minutes.


12:47pm: Oh God, Renel.

 

Now batting….Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry Boooonnnnnnnds (ear bleeding levels).

 

12:52 pm: Ashley (girlfriend) is home for lunch. I offer her a beer and she declines.  Beer numero tres.

 

I would have tried sex.  Good to see RT finished the 2nd beer at 15 minutes.  Beer pace lowered to 27 minutes per beer.  I am still disappointed.

12:55 pm: Train? Really? Bands Before games are lame.

 

If Train performing before an opener was the punishment for winning the World Series, I don’t know if it is worth it.


Los Gigantes enter the field from Center.  I hope this becomes a new tradition.

 

I think RT is drunk off 2 ½ beers.  The time stamps have disappeared.


Brian Wilson is the man. “Cooperstown wanted this ball. I told them no. They can have our players but not this ball.”

 

#WorldseriesWinning

 

Nice tribute to Brian Stow with a Beat LA chant. Love it.

 

If Brian Stow does not recover, does he get a patch? I vote yes. 

brian-wilson-raise the banner.jpg

 

Brian Wilson runs out to center to raise the championship banner.  Is it over the top? Maybe, but it is complete awesomeness.  I have Goosebumps.

 

Brian Wilson will be a professional wrestler before he becomes a Ninja Action Movie Star.


Game Time:

 

How pissed is Tony LaRussa?  He had to stand on the field for almost an hour.  There are ceremonies for each of the weekend games as well.  A Gigante may get plunked to send a message to Los Gigantes management to tame down the pre-game ceremonies.

 

-Top 1: Jonathon Sanchez starts the game with a 4 pitch walk. He’ll come back n strike out the side. That is the Sanchez we all know and love.

 

Poor Bochy. I think Sanchez has taken years off his life.  We have inning stamps!

 

Top 2: Uhhh, Huff in the outfield. When is Ross Back? Dammit, 1-0 Cardinals.


aubrey-huff.jpg 

If Belt sticks, Huff will be out there next year as well.  What happened to the best athlete on the team?

 

Bottom 2: Pablo takes two pitches (balls), I pitch a tent, Pablo swings at the next pitch (ball), I lose my tent, Pablo with a base hit, and the tent is re-pitched. 

 

I understand completely.  Where is the cerveza update?  I am kind of living through you at the moment.


Top 3:  Uggg, Huff again.

 

U.G.L.Y.  This is becoming a real problem.

 

Bottom 3: WOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOO (Tejada bomb).

 

And Tejada becomes the Statue to hit a home run in the Big Leagues.  Why is his home run trot appear so fast, but he looks so slow on everything else?

 

Hell yeah, Jonathon Sanchez with a double.

 

Boom, Freddy Sanchez with his own double.


double double.jpg 

 

Double-Double! Can I trademark the “in-N-out” offense? 

Top 5: Jonathon Sanchez is settled. He looks good.  Burrell makes a great catch as he crashes into the wall.

 

Ummm, what happened to the 4th inning? 

 

Bottom 5:  I stopped counting beers but there are only 2 Coronas left.


beer fridge.jpgFail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail 


The lapses in time are explained!


Top 6: Once again Sanchez can’t get through 6.  The long first did him in.

 

He averaged 5.8 innings per start last year.  You know what you’re getting.

 

Bottom 6: Everytime Burrell is up I think he is going to go deep.  30 seconds later: Boom, Burrell goes El Centro.

 

Belt hits his 1st MLB double!  Put him in the Hall!

Whenever I think about Burrell, I think about him defecating on some girl’s living room because she passed out and couldn’t get with Pat The Bat.

 

Belt goes into the hall in 2032.  Book it.

 

Top 7:  Affeldt looks unhittable.

 

Welcome back 20.09 Version.  20.10 Version was put in the recycle bin.

 

Top 8: Home Depot doing more on defense, yeah Pablo!

 

I guess RT finished his all the beer.  I do not get it.


Top 9: Wilson time. That beard has so much amazing inside.

 

It is so dense it can even support rust.

 

What is that tattoo on Yadier Molina’s neck.  A camera shot zoomed in but I cannot figure it out.


yadier neck tat.jpg 

 

I am not sure what it is, but I know what it signifies: I am a professional athlete. I do what I want.  I will never have to rely on anyone else for employment. 

Walk, infield single and now a HBP to Jon Jay.  This is turning into a typical Wilson save.  I feel a mini ulcer forming.

 

Kaz Matusi at the plate….errr Ryan Theriot doing his best impression.

 

Mother Eff’er (Theriot singles in two. 5-4 Cardinals).

 

That’s not how the Matsui at bat ended last year.

 

Bottom 9: Great, Rowand is hitting for Huff, stupid defensive replacement.  I mean, great job A-Row!

 

Panda comes through!!!  Bonus Baseball!

 

It feels strange to feel confident in Rowand.  I think this happens every April and May.  By June I will completely forget this feeling and loathe his at bats.

 

Top 11: Oh boy, only Runzler left.  He dominates.

 

I have man crushes on lefty relievers who have filthy stuff.  It may be a fetish.


Bottom 11: Torres hits a  leadoff double.  Go start.  Free 90 feet?  Thank you very much.  Lets go F.Sanchee.  Here is the 5 infielder defense.  Get her in the air.  F.Sanchee out.  Rowand has a chance to be the hero two years in a row.

 

At this point, I got off work and went to the bar. I could no longer handle ESPN Gamecast.  See, I need an ipad and Slingbox in my life.  Wow, Great play Allan Craig.

Intentional walks to Posey and Sandoval give DeRosa a chance to beat his former team.

Bat. On. Shoulder.

 

EFFF.

You gotta swing the battttt, you gotttttta swing the batttttttt.  I was just offered a beer.  I accepted.

 

Man at Bar: “Why did you accept my offer now but not 10 minutes ago?”

 

SLY: “Alcohol is a depressant.  I am depressed.”

 

Top 12:  Great inning from Runzler.  That is the Runzler I saw in Spring Training.

 

I am upset I didn’t get to see any Spring Training games.  In related news, my liver thanked me for not attending Spring Training in 2011.

 

Bottom 12:  Here we go. Runners are on the corners with two outs.  Here comes Rowand.  Hammered that, Game Over!


arow hero.jpg 

Two years in a row for A-Row!  Again remind me of how I felt about Rowand in a couple months.

A big thank you to Colby Rasmus for slowing down on that ball, I thought he had a good opportunity to make the play. 

 

tony-larussa-colby-rasmus-cardinals.jpg

 

Another beer please.

 

Man in Bar: “I thought you drink when you are depressed?”

 

SLY: “I also drink when I am happy.”

 

BIG thanks to RT.  I know that was a pain in the A$s.

 

BoOoOoO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE

From:

 

UUUUUUUUUUU-RRRRRRRIIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

UUUUUUUUUUU-RRRRRRRIIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

UUUUUUUUUUU-RRRRRRRIIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

To:

 

BoOoOoOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE!!!

 

BoOoOoOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE!!!

 

BoOoOoOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE!!!

 

Heck, it might be:

 

FFFFFFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRRRIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

FFFFFFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRRRIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

FFFFFFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRRRIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

Mr. Happy Jazz Hands left us for the smog infested air of SoCal and the Bums.

 

 

 

Uribe_and_Colletti.jpg

Two Ex-Gigantes turned Bums

Say it ain’t so.

 

Do we dare boo one of our 2010 World Champion heroes?

 

Hell yes.

 

I’ll set the stage for FU-ribes return to Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park on Monday April 11th 2011.  It’ll be the 10th game of the season.  This should be a Barry Zito start, but the $126 million dollar singer/songwriter will probably fall into the 2 or 4 spot in the rotation.  For this hypothetical, Madison Bumgarner gets the start.

 

Uribe is in the six hole in Donny Baseball’s lineup.

 

Top 2nd, nobody on, one out:

 

Renel Brooks-Moon: Now batting #5, 2nd baseman, Juan Uu-ribe.

(It is painfully obvious that Renel wants to belt out the UUUUUU as she has done the past two seasons, but her heart will not allow her to justify an enthusiastic announcement of a Bum.  The announcement is understated and subdued.)

 

 


renel.jpg 

 

I am in attendance and stand up from my seat.  I want to pay my respects (with a golf clap) to a man who gave the fans many thrilling moments the past couple seasons.

 

I am about to clap when the inebriated man next to me (I am also in such a state) starts to join in an all too familiar chant:

 

UUUUUUUU-RRIIIBBEE!!!!

 

…but it is not, it is what we all expected.

 

BoOoooOOoooooO-RRRIIIBBBEEEE!!!

 

Before I start to clap, I join the mob.

 

BoOoooOOoooooO-RRRIIIBBBEEEE!!!

 

BoOoooOOoooooO-RRRIIIBBBEEEE!!!

 

Now I am getting into it, alcohol and adrenaline seem to be a good combination (I think I finally get UFC fans).

 

FFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRIIIBEE.

 

Mother sitting behind me: “My children are here. Watch your mouth.”

 

SLY: “They need to learn hate at an early age.” (Obviously not ready to be a Parent)

 

Madison gets BoOOo-Ribe to pop up on the first pitch (he was a lot of excited).

 

…Roar from 41,952.

 

Top of the 5th, 1 out, runner on first: 2-0 Good Guys.

 

Renel sounded less enthused with her second announcement of Uribe.  She understands he’s gone for good. 

 

BooOooOOooOOoo-Ribe chants are deafening. 

 

On a 2-1 count BoOoooO-Ribe hits a ground ball to his replacement Miguel Tejada.  Tejada underhands to Freddy Sanchez at second for the force out and Sanchez throws a strike to Aubrey Huff at 1st to complete the double play. 

 

…Roar from 41,952.

 

Tejada and Uribe each have a GIDP to end an inning. 

 

Top of the 8th, 2 out, runners on 1st and 2nd:  The score is still 2-0 Good Guys.

 

Renel announces JUUAAAN with high energy as she was accustomed too with a big at bat, she quickly realizes it is for the wrong team and tails off on the Uribe.  Renel sighs in disgust.

 

BoOoOooOOOOoooO-Ribe chants continue.

 

Boch’s bowed legs take him 21 seconds to make it from the front step of the dugout to the mound to remove Bumgarner after 7 2/3 innings of shut out ball. 

 

Sergio Romo takes the ball.

 

1st pitch: Fast ball, fouled straight back.

 

2nd pitch: Slider, wild swing and a miss.

 

3rd pitch: Fastball inside, get Uribe off the plate.

 

4th pitch: Slider… hanging slider.  Uribe Swings…

 

 


BOOOribe.jpg 

I used to love this sight, no more.

 

 

All I see is the white palms of Uribe’s batting gloves.

 

 

 

swearing.jpg

SLY: “Mother F#4%ing Son of a B#$h!”

 

Mother: “Dead beat Son of a rats Fu*&$ing puke” 

 

(Looks of horror from her children)

 

41,952 BOOOOOOOOOOOOOS shower Juan as he circles the bases.

 

3-2 for the Bad Guys.

 

Donny Baseball goes Jonathan Broxton for the save. Donny remembers the proper rules about visiting the mound this game. 

 

Broxton gets to blow the game all on his own.

 

Freddy Sanchez does a flip job over Uribe’s head for a single.

 

Buster Posey (hitting 3rd) takes a walk.

 

Aubrey Huff hits a ball into triples alley.  There is no throw.  Posey scores standing.

 

Good Guys win 4-2.

 

Suck it Bums.

 

I stumble my way over to 21st Amendment where KJ and I discuss Juan Uribe as a Dodger.  After 5 Brew-Free-Or-Die IPA’s I finally get it:

 

SLY: “I got it.”

 

KJ: “What do you got?”

 

SLY: “I understand why Juan left us?”

 

KJ: “Why did he?”

 

SLY: “He has to feed his children.”

 

KJ: “$3 Million wouldn’t feed his children?  That’s a lot of money”

 

SLY: “$3 Million is a lot to you or me, but to a professional athlete it is not.  As we learned from Patrick Ewing, athletes make a lot of money, but they spend a lot of money.”

 

KJ: “HotLanta Gentlemen Clubs.”

 

SLY: “Now you understand. He needs that extra money.  I’ll break it down for you.  Juan signed a 3 year deal.  That means at least 3 trips to Atlanta over the next 3 years.  That’s 3 opportunities to get himself in trouble at the Gentleman Clubs.  I heard a stat on a blog where 1 out of every 3 trips to an Atlanta Gentlemen Club results in a lawsuit of some kind.  He really is just protecting himself.”

 

KJ: “Makes sense to me, if you read it on a blog, it must be true.”

 

SLY: “Words don’t lie.”

 

 

I am certain this is the exact way April 11th, 2011 will play out.

 

Dodger fans, be warned.

 

You are bringing in a person who assaults Dodger fans. 

 

He will hit you in the head with a baseball when you are not looking.

 

Watch the Slow-Mo.

 

Awesome. J

Your Playoff Beard is Weird

I have never
been to a Gigantes playoff game where they were victorious. 
I am 0 for 2.


I went to
those games as a child. 


I am now
legally able to purchase alcoholic beverages, which makes me a man.


I stated in
the previous post I was going to dye my beard ala B-Jeezy .


I went for
it, big time.


I rushed
home from work around 2:00pm last Thursday. 
The Just for Men was ready to
rock.  The color was labeled as REAL BLACK.  (That’s why it looks so damn good on men,
words don’t lie.)  

Just-for-Men real black.jpg

5 Easy Minutes? I think not.


I quickly read the
instructions.  I figured I’ve seen the commercials
enough where my man instincts would take over. 
I mixed the color and went to town on my beard.  I then proceeded to make a fatal JFM booboo.  One month before my 27th day of
birth, my beard still comes in patchy.  

beard me smaller.jpg

I
thought it’d be a good idea to brush the patchy areas with the color brush.  I had 5 minutes to kill (downed a beer) while
the color set.  I was surprised how much
the JFM stung my face.  I wonder if
B-Jeezy had the same experience.


The painful
5 minutes ended and I jumped into the shower. 
I got out and was met with hysterical laughter from Lj.  My patchy spots were still filled in with the
real black color of JFM.

batter up tn.jpg

Holy Mother Effing
Toledo Uranus Saturn Christo.


I looked
amazing…


That’s what
I kept telling myself.


I freaked
out, Lj told me the dye might stay in my skin for a week.  I had work in 48 hours.  I had JFM regret, but I imagine that’s part
of the experience.


I hastily
grabbed some household items that may remove the dye from my skin. 


The items
included:


1. Make-up
removal.


2. Nail
polish removal.


3. K-Y Warming
Sensation Lube (Awkward…)


4. Tattoo
lotion


5. Proactiv
daily scrub


I had to own
it; the dye was here to stay.


I wasn’t planning
on wearing the Timmy wig and Jersey, but hell, might as well go all out.


I put the
outfit on and looked in the mirror.


The reflection
showed equal parts Tim Lincecum, Jesus Christo, and Brian Wilson.

 timmy jesus wilson.jpg

Timmy Jesus
Wilson
.


The gang
loaded into the vehicle and we were off to Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.  Lj asked me to get sunglasses out of the
center console. 


My thought process: I
am driving, why doesn’t Lj grab the glasses. 
Whatever. 

I opened the console and found an item with the glasses, a
freakin Smirnoff Ice.    


Lj and KJ
thought this was hilarious.


Holy Mother Effing
Toledo Uranus Saturn Christo.


SLY: “I am
not drinking this until we get there.”


KJ: “I’ll
keep it warm for ya.”


KJ took the Smirnoff
Ice and proceeded to place the bottle under his butt to insure safe keeping.


Thanks KJ.


When arrived
at the parking lot, I got on one knee and accepted my icing like a champ. 

iced beard tn.jpg


The group
walking by us laughed rather hard.  I don’t
know if they laughed at my appearance or the icing, possibly a combination of
both.


Pete’s was
on our pregame agenda.


My
Grandparents were also attending the game and were to meet us at Petes.

Here is all
you need to know about my Grandparents. 


My Grandmother
on my Grandfather and his alcohol consumption:


Grandmama: “Your
Grandfather may not be able to walk or talk, but he can always drive us home.”

drunk couple.jpg

I love my
Grandparents.


When we met
them at the bar they already had a table and drink.  My Grandmother did not recognize me.  Once she realized it was me, she told me “I
was sooo ugly” about 12 times in 25 minutes. 

this guy (beard) tn.jpg

How is this mug ugly?


My G-Parents
are no rookies at the bar scene.  My
Grandpa ordered a Jack on the rocks and my Grandma ordered a white zin. 


My Grandpa
also brought a 13oz flask of Jack.  My
Grandma brought a jug of wine.  They
continued to re-fill their glass.


Pros.


After the
quality pre-game, it was time to get into the park. 


I made notes of things that were said to me because of my appearance. 


Here are the
top comments:


“Fear the
Beard.”


“Your Beard
is weird.”


“Woah, what
happened?” (My response: JFM is more complicated than it looks on TV.)


“Is that
real?”


My friend Brad
came up clutch with tickets; they were 4 rows from the field, right past first
base. 


Thanks Brad.


Timmy took
the hill and the park took on an electric feel. 


We all know
what happened next.


CG SHO 14K
performance.


I had to
write a short poem for the historical performance.


Timm-EE, Timm-EE

All the hitters whine

Butts return to the pine

14 Ks though Nine

Smoke Smoke Celebration Time

Timm-EE, Timm-EE

 


Remember
Timmy in August?  I prayed to Jesus
Christo to end Timmy’s Cy Yuck funk.  Jesus
is obviously a fan of #55.


I was the
guy at the yard who led the booing of Braves fans.  If I spotted a Braves fan, I would stop,
point with two (more manly than one) fingers, and yell “Boooo That Man.”


Booing commenced. 


Braves fan
realized he was not welcome. 


I do not
remember much about the ride home.  I
remember I was one happy boy.


My first playoff
victory made me feel warm and tingly inside. 
I was ready for game two.


Friday,
October 8th, 2010.


Game 2


A revelation
occurred when I washed my face.  The
toner (step 2) of the Proactiv system took the dye off my face.  I no longer wanted to look like a man with a
sharpie on his face.  I used about $16.36
of Proactiv toner to remove the excess dye from the skin of my face. 


I have been
told by my Hispanic friends that I am an honorary Mexican because of my love of
the food and tequila.  I now looked the
part as well.  Too bad it wasn’t Cinco de
Mayo.


KJ and I left
for the yard after a quick gym session.  We
arrived at the parking lot, and there was no attendant, but we parked
anyways.  We headed to 21st
Amendment for a little pre-game until the attendant could take our money. 


Per usual,
21st Amendment was fantastic, great brews and food.  With our belts loosened and our brains mushy,
we walked back to the parking lot.


There was still
no attendant.


Maybe it was
the 9.7% brews or maybe it was our gambling background.  We made a decision that could drastically
alter our night.

life_is_a_gamble_ed_hardy-1361.jpg

KJ: “Screw
it, let’s roll the dice.”


SLY: “I don’t
think Jack (Attendant’s name) looks at the tickets.  He’s more concerned with dying.”


KJ: “A tow
truck wouldn’t even fit in here.”


SLY: “A parking
ticket is like $45, only $15 more than what they’re charging.”


KJ: “On to
Pete’s.”


After Pete’s
we made our way into the yard.  We had
the same seats as game one, boooyeeehawwww.


I had total confidence
in Cain, and he dealt. 


Admittedly,
I thought the game was over when Pat the Bat went 3-run jimmy jack in the
first.


Bobby Cox
got run for the final time in his hall of fame career.


I was almost
in celebration mode. 


I know,
premature guy.


I continued
to make Braves fans feel uncomfortable for coming into our yard. 


I never felt
better yelling at a grown man.


Brad and I
did start quite a few chants to heckle a Brave.

We heckled a player not
even on the roster, the bullpen catcher.

drunk-man-sober-thoughts.gif

I don’t know
his first name but his last name was Butts.


Awesome.


The chants
started out harmless.


Brad: “BIIIGGGGG!”


SLY: “BUTTTS!”

X3


Brad: “SMMMEEEEELLLLLYYYY!”


SLY: “BUUUUTTTSSS!”

X3


They started
to get worse…


Brad: “YOU
LIKE IT IN YOURRRRRR…..”


SLY: “BUUUUUUUTTTTTTSSSSS.”

X3


We started to take requests from other Gigantes fans for chants they wanted to hear with “Butts”
involved.  They ranged from G-NC-17
ratings. 


We had David
Ross in stitches.


A non-fan
friendly Usher told us he was watching us, and we were not permitted to heckle
players.


That was a
buzz kill.


We continued
the chants until the Braves mounted the game tying rally in the 8th.  I was no longer in celebration mode.  Rick Ankiel punched 44,032 Gigantes fans in the stomach.  Doesn’t he know we came to see Los Gigantes win?

Stomach-Punch.jpg

Stomach
punch loss. 


My mind now
wondered if KJ’s truck would still be in the parking lot.  I walked up 2nd Street, turned
down Brannon, and approached the lot.


Gamble paid
off, the truck was still there.


FP was on
fire on the leader during the ride home. 
He was combative and had zero tolerance for poor baseball knowledge from
callers. 


KJ and I
were angry about the outcome but still had a very positive outlook on the
series. 


We got home
around 1:30am.  I had to be at work in 6
hours.  Uggh. 


The beard
was shaved off so I could look somewhat professional at work Saturday
morning.  I did have an awesome 5 O’clock
shadow due to the real blackness of
JFM.


Sunday, October
10th

Game 3


Dirty
Sanchez+ Brooks Conrad = Gigantes Victory.


Big ups to
Fred Sanchee for the 2 out hit to extend the 9th inning for
Huff.  That’s why you were brought to the
team.


If I ever
meet Brooks, I am buying that man as many drinks as he needs.  I feel he will be hitting the bottle often
the next couple days, months, and years. 
I hope this series hasn’t ruined his life.  I am dead serious.  His friends need to be on suicide watch. 


I put myself
on suicide watch when I had a horrible game in high school and made a few
errors. 


Confidence
is everything in baseball.  It is going
to take him a long time to recover. 


I loved the
result, but feel for the guy. 


Monday,
October 11th

Game 4


C-Lew joined
KJ and I to watch the game, he brought beer. 
Good man as always.  I arrived in
the 3rd inning, freakin 4:30pm start time.  It was 1-0 Braves.


Lowe was
dealing. 


RT text’d us
how he was pissed the Gigantes were getting no-hit by a guy on three days’
rest.  KJ, C-Lew and I all stated the
same mantra “We’re one pitch away from tying this game.”


6th
inning: Insert Cody Ross, Hero.

greatest-american-hero.jpg

Hero


New ballgame.


McCann took
MadBum deep to reclaim the lead in the 6th.   McCann
is a straight stud.


This is where
los Gigantes have been so tough all season. 
They scratch, claw, bite, and do any thing possible thing to eke out
runs. 


Top of the 7th
was no different. 


Who got the
big 2 out hit?


Cody Ross,
Hero.


Cassilla,
Loogy, and Wilson close out the game.


Celebration Time
included a class move to applaud and pay respects to Bobby Cox’s career.


Bring on the
Cheesesteaks. 


Saturday
cannot come fast enough.


If you haven’t
seen Ashkon’s “Don’t Stop Beilieving” Gigantes 2010 Anthem, you need to check
it out.  


Honestly.  I am jealous I do not have the talent to do
something like this.

I love the Will
“The Thrill” impersonation.  




Playoff Beards and RE-CON Missions

Top of the 1st, 2 outs, Denorfia on 2nd base, Adrian Gonzalez at the plate:

 

SLY: “Pitch around A-Gon, don’t let this dude beeee, EFFFFFFFF, OH GOD!!!  Thank you God, Thank you.”

 

Gonzalez hit a line drive directly at Juan Uribe to end the inning.

 

KJ: “Dude, you need to relax.”

 

SLY: “I am relaxed! I am fine.”

 

 

nervous.png

I was not, fine.  I was a nervous wreck.  I screamed, moaned, cheered, and acted as the game meant more to the world than peace in the Middle East.

 

I was calm before the game.  KJ and I had a conversation while the 49ers fumbled (Two words Nate, Ball-Security) their game away about how we were confident in a Gigantes victory. 

 

C-Lew alerted that he would grace us with his presence for the game.

 

 


CLew%20Loverboy.jpg(Remember C-Lew?  Here is a picture to jog the memory)

 

C-Lew’s impending arrival gave us a chance to plan an “Icing” (Please refer to previous post if you do not understand the term).

 

I placed a warm Smirnoff Ice on the welcome mat outside the front door.  The sun light added a few tasty degrees to delicious beverage.

 

Game time.

 

It was obvious I was a nervous wreck.  KJ threw me a Silver Bullet to relax. 

 

Bottom One.

 

Andy Torres got the screw job from Mike Everitt on a ball down the left field line.  The replays showed chalk in the air.

 

I decided to Hoot & Holler.

 

“HEY MIKEY, ONE MORE EYE AND YOU’D BE A CYCLOPES.”

 

 

cyclopes.gif

 

The call cost us a run, thanks Mike.  Eff you.  I will forever hate your stinkin’ guts.

 

I have issues.

 

C-Lew showed up in the 2nd.  KJ and I awaited the icing.

It didn’t happen.  C-Lew came in through the slider.

 

Gosh-dang it.

 

C-Lew did bring beer.  Good Man.

 

All was not lost in the icing department.  I had a plan to ice KJ after los Gigantes won the west. 

 

I audibled to C-Lew.

 

I alerted KJ to the audible (I did not tell him the ice was meant for him, but I am sure he knew).  The Ice was placed in front of a bottle of tequila, when C-Lew fetched another round of beers I would ask him to pour up a round of shots.  Icing complete.

 

Bottom 3:

 

Mat Latos threw a pitch into the one zone that Dirty Sanchee’s swing path crosses.

 

Stand-up triple.

 

Un-freakin-believable.

 

Torres could not come through.  With 2 outs, Fred Sanchee could. 

 

1-0 Gigantes.  High fives, fist pounds, and other male cheering riturals were liberally given to one another.

 

Aubrey Efffing Huff hits the big double to make it 2-0.

 

C-Lew heads to the fridge for a fresh cold one.

 

SLY: “Pour up three rally shots.”

 

C-Lew: “Where at?”

 

SLY: “In the cabinet above the bar.”

 

C-Lew opened the cabinet.

 

C-Lew: “What the hell is this?” (Referring to the Smirnoff Ice.)

 

KJ: “HAHAHAHAHAHA, you just got ICED bro.”

 

C-Lew: “Whhhhhaaaat?”

 

KJ: “It is a game, where participation is mandatory.”

 

C-Lew: “What do I have to do?”

 

icy.jpg

KJ: “Get down on one knee, and do not get up until it is finished.”

 

C-Lew: “Can I get a cold one?”

 

KJ: “No, it has to be warm.  It is in the rules.”

 

C-Lew got on one knee and pounded it like a champ.

 

C-Lew: “You guys still want the shot?”

 

KJ and SLY: “That’s a silly question.”

 

Sanchez battled through 5+ and gave way to the bullpen.

 

The bullpen has been lights out.

 

Zeros ensued.

 

Buster Posey locked up the ROY with a solo bomb in the 8th.  He doesn’t have the curtain call thing mastered yet.  He will have time to learn.

 

On comes B-Weezy.  Easy 1-2-3. 


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Celebration time.

 

More enthusiastic male celebratory rituals commenced.

 

Our celebration continued to the backyard.  Beers were cracked and happy f-bombs were liberally spewed for the entire neighborhood to enjoy.

 

I hope children were not within earshot. 

 

 

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EAR MUFFS KIDS!

 

We watched the post game celebration, highlighted by Timmy dropping a massive F-Bomb in his interview with AmyG. 

 

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Best piece AmyG has ever been apart of. 

 

Goodness, I appreciate this postseason birth more than the previous ones in my lifetime.

 

Los Gigantes re-built their team in year 3AB (After Barry). 

 

There are zero everday players from the 2007 lineup to the 2010 lineup.

 

I love pitching.

 

We came down from our high and cleaned up to go a concert.  My friend (Steve) recently was signed by a record label and had one his first shows with his new band (Dazeafter). 

 

 

SteveRobb.jpg

Steven Robb of Dazeafter

 

I wanted to show my support and check out the band.

 

C-Lew had another agenda.

 

RE-CON MISSION.

 

C-Lew is a man of the law.  He saw a group of people who are not law abiding citizens and wanted to do work.

 

There was a strong presence of H.A.’s at the concert venue.  C-Lew called his co-worker who worked in the gang unit and alerted him of the situation. 

 

 

 

gangland.jpg

 

C-Lew got the green light to snap some pictures of the H.A.’s at the show.  He got advice: be careful.

 

C-Lew brought us into the fold.  He took out his phone and asked us if we could hear the shutter of the camera.

 

KJ: “Yes, don’t get us killed.”

 

C-Lew set his camera settings to silent and went on his mission.

 

Alcohol is an invincibility cloak.

 

C-Lew is a professional; he was not noticed and did his job well.

 

He wanted to talk to the local police at the show, he asked us for some advice first.

 

C-Lew: “Do I sound too intoxicated?”

 

SLY: “You’re good.  Just slow down your speech pattern and enunciate every syllable.”

 

…….says the guy who stumbles over his own words stone sober.

 

C-Lew approached Lodi’s finest; he must have talked too fast and not enunciated very well.  He was back within a minute.

 

We made our way into the theater.  Dazeafter came on, Steve sounded great, and the band played tight.  Dazeafter is going on tour with Sevendust in February.  Check them out at www.dazeafter.com.

 

Great job Steve.

 

We made it home without further incident, I would like to praise Jesus Christo.

Back to los Gigantes, I am fortunate enough to have tickets for all los Gigantes home playoff games.

 

Thank you Brad.  Who do I have to kill for you?

 

You think I am joking.

 

To help los Gigantes on their quest for a World Series title, I am growing a playoff beard, which I will dye jet black with Just for Men in homage to los Gigantes bullpen.

 

The last time I really went for the playoff beard was 2008 for the San Jose Sharks.  I was in college and I thought it looked fantastic.  One of my professors called me aside after class.

 

Professor (Woman): “Shaun, you are a good looking kid, but you look horrible.  Why are you growing that thing?”

 

SLY: “It’s a playoff beard, for the Sharks.”

 

Professor: “Girls are not going to find you attractive, shave it off.”

 

I trimmed it when I got home.

 

My facial hair is two years more mature, the patchiness has improved.

 

I am going for it.  It will be hideous, and I will love it.

 

It may be my permanent look if los Gigantes win it all.

 

Ill be debuting the new look at Pete’s before Game one.

 

Happy Playoffs.

Life in an Alternate Universe

I hope everyone watched or listened to yesterday’s game.  

Lincecum was amazing.  

When did the umpires start wearing (Dodger) blue?  There were three horrendous calls.  The game never should have went to extra frames.  I hope the adversity of the Dodger series will bring the team closer together.

Thank you Guillermo Mota for throwing Mr. Uribe (After a walk-off I have to pay my respects with the Mr.) an 0-2 fastball after Mr. Uribe looked horrible on the first two sliders.

This win felt much larger than the one win it represented in the standings.  What a great way to board a flight to New York.

altuniverse.jpg 

Ok, off to my alternate universe.

I got back from the gym last night feeling extremely chipper.  The encore presentation (already called “an instant classic”) of the game was being shown at the gym.  My friend, his girlfriend, and I had a conversation of what Los Gigantes players would be if they were not pro ball players.

Here is life for Los Gigantes roster in our alternate universe. 

Starting Pichers

 

#55 Tim Lincecum

Hot Topic employee or ticket taker at a movie theater.

Timmy has the look for both jobs. 

Tim’s long black hair, bracelets, and the beanie he wears every second off the baseball field would be a perfect fit for the emo cliental at Hot Topic.

I swear Timmy takes my tickets at the Movie Theater I patronize.

 

#18 Matt Cain

Farmer

Cain is home grown and corn fed.  He has the size, strength, and patience (he did not seem to get frustrated with the lack of run support the previous two seasons) to be an excellent farmer.

 

#75 Barry Zito

Singer/Songwriter

Zito is ultra famous because of lyrics like:

Like I slept with your mother

Don’t judge me, cause

I could be your brother and

we could be a family

dreamy zito.jpg 

Thanks for that Barry. Classic.

 #57 Jonathan Sanchez 

Rum Distiller

Sanchez is from the land of Rum (Puerto Rico).  It is no surprise he started making the stuff.  The quality of his product is inconsistent, but his buyers keep buying in hope he will replicate his flashes of brilliance.

 

#51 Randy Johnson

Surgeon

Johnson is old, has the red a$s, and has been under the knife.  Johnson has carved up hitters for about 20 years.  He would do the same on humans.

 

 Relievers

#38 Brian Wilson

Professional Wrestler

Brian, a failed actor went to professional wrestling after being discovered by a WWE talent scout during a P90X infomercial. His stage name became a combination of his real life nickname (B-Weezy) and a tribute to his faith (Jesus). He became known as B-Jeezy.

 

#54 Sergio Romo

bmays.jpgProfessional Pitch Man

 

 

 

Romo inspired by the late Billy Mays would become the most successful Latino Pitch Man in the history of the universe. Oxy Limpio, his clear, crisp, booming voice, jet black goatee, and white teeth would help carry him to the top of the Latin Pitch Man profession.

 

 

 

#41 Jeremy Affeldt

Cyber Sex Crime Detective

Affeldt is a Detective prowling the world wide web for cyber sex crime violators.  He poses as a 15 year old blond female with the screen name HotELuvsRelief41 to reel in the predators. 

 

#52 Brandon Medders

Electrician

After failing his way through High School, Brandon enrolled in a trade school and became an average electrician.  He is signed up with local union #520 

#45 Travis Miller

Tattoo Artist

The most tattoo’d man in Baseball history is a tattoo artist.  I am not sure if he is much of an artist, or if he has a steady hand.  Any takers?

 

#46 Bob Howry

Leader of  The Mormon Church

Howry is the leader of The Mormon Church.  He would become more powerful than Joseph Smith.  Somehow people have unwavering faith in Howry, and he looks the part.

 


joseph_smith.jpg

Joseph Smith- WoW. 

 

#47 Merkin Valdez

Ice Cream Man

Valdez’s big wide smile brings kids to his ice cream truck.  He makes a nice living.

 

#49 Joe Martinez

Organized Crime

The clean cut and good looking Martinez has a nice career in organized crime.  He’s from Jersey, so he’s got connections.  We know he can take a big punch and has no problem coming back for more.

 

Position Players

 

#1 Bengie Molina 

Coyote

Molina along with his partner Andres Torres are a great team in the Coyote business.  Molina has great navigation skills.  Although he is not fleet of foot, he gets the job done.

 

#22 Eli Whiteside

Just For Men Cover boy

Mr. Whiteside is a cover boy for  the “Just for Men” hair coloring product.  Whiteside would be in the same class as other JFM legends; Walt Frazier, Emmett Smith, and Keith Hernandez. 

Whiteside has climbed to Jared of Subway fame.

 

#10 Travis Ishikawa

Sushi Chef/Entertainer

Ishikawa is a world renown sushi chef and  “House of Genji” entertainer.  The Japanese side of him came out.  However, he is timid with  knifes, which led to “House of Genji” finding a replacement 60% through the busy dining season.

 

#23 Ryan Garko

Barry Zito Impersonator

Despite having a much different build, Garko has an solid career as an Impersonator for ultra-famous singer/songwriter Barry Zito.  Garko started in small towns such as Cleveland and packed his bags for the bright lights of Las Vegas where he was expect to make a huge impact in the impersonation field but has done little to influence his profession.  


elvis.jpg
 

 “Like I slept with your mother, don’t judge me, cause I could be your brother, and we could be a family.”

 

#35 Rich Aurilia

Baseball Coach

Aurilia is an excellent  baseball coach.  He loves to hang around the game and this profession provides a great option.  HHIIINNNTTTTT!

 

#21 Freddy Sanchez

Substitute Teacher

Sanchez is a substitute teacher who did an excellent job and later became full time.  He became tenured! 

 

#16 Edgar Renteria

Colombian Drug Lord

Cocaine is the Country’s business.  It is what came natural to him. 

 

#5 Juan Uribe

Circus Clown

Uribe has a nice career in the Ringling Bros Family Circus.  He looks, acts, talks, and walks funny. He makes people smile and laugh.  He loves his career. 

 

#48 Pablo Sandoval

Pablo Sandoval could only be one thing.

A professional baseball player.  The Panda was born to play this game. Sandoval doing anything else would make me vomit.

pablo.jpg   

 

#8 Eugenio Velez

Cab Driver

Velez has lots of experience on buses, so he knows where he is going. I also call Velez the Eritrean Cab Driver for a reason. Use your eyes.

 

#20 John Bowker

Abercrombie and Fitch Model

Bowker is a model for Abercrombie and Fitch. He has one problem,  he looks better on paper than in person.  Which has stalled a once promising career.

 

#2 Randy Winn

College Professor

Winn teaches multiple subjects as he was never great in one, but good in many.

 

#33 Aaron Rowand

Construction Worker

Rowand is a blue-collar American worker.  He builds over-priced houses for over-paid professional athletes. 

 I think he owns one of those houses in our universe.

 

#12 Nate Schierholtz

Hair Club for Men Spokesman

Pre-maturely balding Schierholtz got hooked up with the Hair Club for Men group.  HCFM made such an astounding difference that Schierholtz became the lead before/after shot in all the HCFM infomercials.

#59 Andres Torres

Coyote

Torres and partner Bengie Molina are a great team in the coyote business.  Torres is fleet of foot and runs ahead of the herd to look for would-be obstacles while on the quest to cross the border. 

 

#14 Fred Lewis

 High School Gym Teacher

Lewis reminisces about his glory days in High School while teaching. 

He tells the students,

“F.Lew is a legendary ball player”.

 

 

God help the children of tomorrow.

A Good Day to be Named Eli and Free Rides on the Band Wagon

August 5th, 2009 was a great day to be named Eli.

 

Eli Manning signed a $97.5 million dollar deal.

 

Eli Whiteside hit his first career Home Run/Grand Slam.  Whiteside’s grand salami ended up being the game winner in Los Gigantes 10-6 victory over the Astros. 

 

Joe Martinez got the victory in his first game back since taking a Mike Cameron line drive off the bean on April 9th.  Congratulations.  Martinez didn’t pitch great, but he battled after giving up 3 runs in the 2nd inning.  His line: 5in, 7h, 3er, 4ks, and 0bb.  He got what counted, the W.

 

The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez) extended his hitting streak to 12 games.  I cannot explain what has gotten into this guy.  ECD was left for dead. He has come back to the big leagues with a swagger I have not seen with him before.  He no longer looks timid, he is playing with confidence and it shows.  

 

Freddy Sanchez and Pablo Sandoval both continued to swing the bats well.  I love how F. Sanchez stays inside the ball.  I don’t believe he has rolled over on a pitch in his four games with his new club.

 

Here are the runs per game Los Gigantes have scored with Freddy Sanchez in the lineup: 7, 3, 8, and 10.  He is making a difference.

 

Los Gigantes won two out of three in Houston for their first road series victory since June, when they beat up on the lowly Oakland Athletics.

 


glass-slipper-smaller.jpg

 

The glass slipper fits. This is turning into a magical season.

 

 

 

Here is my empirical evidence.

 

 

 

 

 

I have seen Gigante gear everywhere I go lately.  At the local gas station, the cashier was rockin’ a Los Gigantes hat.  It was brand-spanking-baby-a**-sparkling new.  At the gym, at work, and at the mall, Gigantes gear is being represented.  It is nice to see again.

 

 

 


Bandwagon.jpg

People in the Bay Area are boarding the band wagon.  I will lead the shout out, “All aboard Los Gigantes band wagon!” 

 

Tim Lincecum will be on the bump tomorrow night against the Cincinnati Reds.  Lincecum will be going for his 11th consecutive start of at least eight strikeouts.  Keep it up.

 

I will be attending and look forward to receiving my Jon Miller bobble head.  Yes, I am a dork. I will also patronize 21st Amendment.  I can almost taste a beer as I write this.  21st Amendment is a must visit establishment before a game.  The brews are awesome.  A few of my favorites; (sad to say, some are seasonal) Lost Sailor, Brew Free or Die, Prohibition Ale, and the adequately named Tasty.  One of the best qualities about these brews besides the taste is the high alcohol content!  Most of these come in at around 7-8%.

 


21st_amendment_logo.jpg 

Directions for fun:

 

Drink four of the above mentioned 21st Amendment beers to create a base-coat of drunkness that will last for the entire ball game.  To maintain the drunkness at the game, drink one watered down beer (Preferably Coors or Bud Light) every 3 innings.  Remember to purchase two beers in the 6th inning as alcohol sales end at the end of the 7th inning.

 

On the Reds

 

Los Gigantes should win this series.  I would be very disappointed if they did not.

 

Welcome back Dusty.  I miss your wristbands and toothpicks.

 

Why did the Reds trade for Scott Rolen?  What was the point? It does not make sense to take on a player with that salary when your team is not competing for a playoff birth. 

 

Brian Sabean should contact the Red’s front office to gauge the interest of a player who not only has a Cy Young award to his credit (2002) but is also a focal point of one of my favorite drinking games. 

 

For complete details on the Barry Zito Drinking Game please refer to the post appropriately named “The Official Barry Zito Drinking Game”.  

 

 

 

 

Bengie Stimulus Plan and Road Fun

 

2009-obama-economic-stimulus-check.jpg

When in a recession, put together a stimulus plan.

Bengie Molina was in some type of recession with the bat.

Last night saw Loose Change turn into Big Money.

I apologize to Big Money Molina.

The day after I asked for him to be replaced in the 4 hole, Bengie Molina returned to Big Money form.  Molina went 3-5 with 2 RBI in Los Gigantes 8-1 victory over the Astros.  His best hit ball of the night actually was an out, a ball driven about 410 feet to center field was caught at the base of that silly hill in Minute Maid Park.

The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez), Freddy Sanchez, Pablito Pandaval, and Bengie Molina led the offensive attack that put together 16 hits. Jonathan Sanchez even got his first hit of the year!

How hot is the Cab Driver?  Velez will not be coming out of the lineup anytime soon.

simmons_lon.jpg

 

I forgot what back to back home runs look and sound like.  Thank you Freddy Sanchez and Pablito Pandaval for jogging my memory. 

 

 

Jon Miller sounded like he forgot back to back home runs could happen.  He channeled Lon Simmons with the call of the Pablo’s back end of the back to back with a “Tell it Good Bye”. Those were the first words out of his mouth.  It was awesome.

 

 

I can’t forget to mention how great it was to see Jonathan Sanchez put together a great start on the road.  He was dirty.  J. Sanchez’s has two alter-egos.  There’s the Dirty (Good) Sanchez and the Ugly ( Bad) Sanchez.  I’m glad we all got the Dirty Sanchez last night.

Thank you to Roy Oswalt’s achy back for Felipe Paulino .  Paulino has great stuff but left too many balls over the plate.

 

cash-for-clunker.jpg

Here’s hoping the Bengie Stimulus Plan does not run out of cash like the “Cash for Clunkers” plan.

.Best wishes to Joe Martinez in today’s game.  I am glad you made it back.