Tagged: Jonathan Sanchez
A Bad Off Day
SLY
5/10/11
Have you ever had a day which went horrible but then when you look back and it could have been a lot worse?
That was my Monday.
I woke up on Monday with my eyes a shade of red which would have made Joseph Stalin blush.I arrived to work and tried to have as little contact with other employees and customers as possible. I had no idea what was wrong with my eyes.I thought about using WebMD.com for a self diagnosis but I didn’t feel like reading my obituary.WebMD seems to always come up with a diagnosis which is in need of immediate emergency care.
A Doctor’s appointment was made for later in the afternoon.
I filled out my new patient paperwork when I arrived at the doctor’s office.I saw a familiar face in the back of the office.
SLY: “Is that the Doctor?”
Receptionist: “Why yes, it is.”
SLY: “Funny, I know him. He is a customer of mine.”
Receptionist: “Where do you work?”
SLY: “Uh, the Casino.”
Dang it, I probably shouldn’t have called out the doctor before he sees me.
Doctor: “Whoa!” (As the Doctor entered the patient room)
I made sure to give the Doctor his proper respects by referring to him as Dr. (insert last name here), instead of the initials I have known him as for the last two years as a customer.
Doctor (insert last name here) had a surprisingly great personality.He was also a huge baseball and Gigantes fan.
Maybe that’s why I liked him.
Turns out I had some crazy allergies, much better than the diagnosis I would have received on WebMD.It took 27 years, but I finally experienced what so many of my family and friends complain of each year.
I now feel your pain in my eyes and wallet.The three prescriptions clocked in at $125.
Why do I pay for health insurance?
I arrived home in a bitter mood because of the cash spent on the prescriptions, the allergies, and there was no Gigantes game to look forward to.
The bitter mood soon turned to panic.
I noticed some water on the street in front of my house.I looked a little closer, it was not “some” water, it was a lot of water. Water was pouring into the street.I then heard an odd sound; it was the sound of water shooting into the air.I looked in horror as I saw what resembled “Old Faithful” in my backyard.
Water was shooting about 15 feet in the air.It was impressive.I would have taken time to snap a picture ff it wasn’t for the fact it was destroying the home I owe so much money on.
I threw off my suit, grabbed shorts, a shirt, and shoes I knew would be ruined.I ran to the backyard which was now 6-8 inches under water.I found the broken pipe, and was unable to stop Old Faithful.
I ran to the front of the house and turned off the main water supply.I looked like I just walked out of a swimming pool as I stood in shock on the sidewalk.
As I stood there soaked and dumbfounded, a lady walked past me with her dog.
LadyiWantedtoPunch: “Oh, Water.”
She then proceeded to lightly jump over the little puddle that was in her path.
I wanted to scream and curse her.
Look at me, almost grown up and able to deal with others.
I naturally called my Home Warranty company to fix my little water problem.
Turns out, the Home Warranty company (Fidelity Home Warranty) only covers incidents inside the actual home.
Thank you, I will now cancel your service.
I was unable to secure a plumber for Monday night.I would have brought out the soap and shampoo when Old Faithful was erupting if I known that would be the case.
A plumber arrived on Tuesday morning.I was expecting a hefty bill to fix the pipe.I acted like it was an easy fix to the plumber, and it was.$90 and 10 minutes later, my pipe was repaired.
As the plumber left he showed me where I could have shut off the water for only outside.
I felt like I belonged on the short bus.
I took a shower to wash off the shame of my home owner incompetence before work.
All in All the day could have been worse.My eyes could have had an un-curable new strain of pinkeye and my house could have been completely flooded.
I’ll take the $215 tab and shame of not knowing how my home functions.
I hate off-days.
The Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez Drinking Game
The Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez Drinking Game
With the Spiritual Southpaw on the shelf I have been asked who would carry the Barry Zito Drinking game torch.
Easy, Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez.
It is an easy call because Sanchez’s starts are frustrating, fascinating, and often dominating. He can look aloof, focused, and aloof all within the same batter.
As Mama Gump famously said: “Jonathon Sanchez is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”
Legal Disclaimer: The Three Bs and its correspondents are not responsible for the health risks involved in any drinking games.If you are too stupid to know when to quit, then shame on you.
Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez is wildly effectively wild; the rules reflect his best and worst traits.
Official Rules of the Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez Drinking Game:
On the Bump:
Strike out an opposing hitter: 2 drinks
For every base runner(s) stranded: 2 drinks
For every base on bal or HBPl: 2 drinks
For every Run allowed (earned or unearned): 6 drinks
For every wild pitch: 1 Beer
Every dumb, confused, or blank look by Sanchez will be worth: 1 Beer
Every time the camera catches Bochy with his hands on his hips, his size 8 hat off his noggin, or his hands in the air: 1 Beer
20+ Pitches in one inning: 1 Shot
4 Strikeouts in One Inning: Game Over. Every beer in the house must be finished. The participant(s) must spend an additional $100 if participating at the ballpark or bar.
At the Plate:
Reaching Base (Any way possible): 1 Beer
*Our empirical evidence found that 12 drinks equal a full beer*
Enjoy!
Johnny Chez Drinking Game and OBL/Obama Photo Theories
Please Check Out http://The-Three-Bs.com for all the photos and unedited content. Thanks- Shaun
5/5/11
Happy Cinco de Drinko! In honor of the 2nd best drinking holiday of the year, The Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez Drinking Game has been unveiled.
I was unable to participate or score the game as I had to work. A quick look at the box score shows about 8 ½ beers (not including looks from J. Sanchez or Bochy).
This game may be just as lethal as the BZDG.
Gigantes fans cannot complain with a 5-5 road trip considering how futile the offense was. We all envisioned Mike Fontenot penciled (I hope that is Bochy’s writing tool of choice) in the three hole.
The sad part about Fontenot hitting 3rd is that is where he should be hitting at the moment. Lil man is rocking .892 OPS, which leads all players who are not on the DL named Pablo Sandoval.
A Late Acknowledgement
I have to give a late acknowledgement to the great Kenstrodaumas on his end of game prediction during Saturday’s Angels/Rays game.
With two outs in the bottom of the 10th inning, Fernando Rodney faced (the recently DFA’d) Felipe Lopez with Matt Joyce on 3rd base.
KJ: “Wild Pitch, game over.”
Rodney threw a fastball which Hank Conger could not backhand, the ball went to the backstop, and Matt Joyce scored the game winner.
KJ: “Told you.”
KJ has a knack for these kinds of things, it is scary. There has to be someway I can exploit this for a monetary gain.
Say Cheese OBL!
President Obama decided not to release photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse. I have a couple of theories on why President Obama held the photos back.
1. President Obama wants to show the Right Wingers that he a Capitalist!
The President will open a bidding war between the tabloids and other news publications all over the world for the rights to the photos.
That would end all the socialist talk.
2. The photos will be released on November 2nd 2012.
After all, he is a Politician. It will help the exit poll numbers.
Opening Day Diary
Los Gigantes Home Opener 4/9/11
I had my real world job to perform during Opening Day last Friday. Lucky for me, RT had the day off. He agreed to do a running diary during the game. My thoughts are in italics under his.
11:58am: Beer numero uno.
Lucky ******* sitting on his couch while I try to sneak glances at the Television.
12:17pm: Ray Ratto is wearing a hideous sweater.
It is almost to the point where Ratto is like Craig Sager. I can’t wait to see what he is wearing. If Ratto ever wears a yellow corduroy sweater, my head will explode.
12:35pm: Bull Neukom’s sport coat is older than Willie Mays and uglier than Amy G.
Agreed.
12:37pm: Beer Numero dos.
Really? You have the day off and you are on a 39 minute per beer pace. It takes no talent to go at your best speed at a high speed. I am disappointed in my brother at the moment.
12:40pm. I wish I had tickets. My *** won’t leave the couch for the next 3 hours.
Make that 4 hours and 24 minutes.
12:47pm: Oh God, Renel.
Now batting….Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry Boooonnnnnnnds (ear bleeding levels).
12:52 pm: Ashley (girlfriend) is home for lunch. I offer her a beer and she declines. Beer numero tres.
I would have tried sex. Good to see RT finished the 2nd beer at 15 minutes. Beer pace lowered to 27 minutes per beer. I am still disappointed.
12:55 pm: Train? Really? Bands Before games are lame.
If Train performing before an opener was the punishment for winning the World Series, I don’t know if it is worth it.
Los Gigantes enter the field from Center. I hope this becomes a new tradition.
I think RT is drunk off 2 ½ beers. The time stamps have disappeared.
Brian Wilson is the man. “Cooperstown wanted this ball. I told them no. They can have our players but not this ball.”
#WorldseriesWinning
Nice tribute to Brian Stow with a Beat LA chant. Love it.
If Brian Stow does not recover, does he get a patch? I vote yes.
Brian Wilson runs out to center to raise the championship banner. Is it over the top? Maybe, but it is complete awesomeness. I have Goosebumps.
Brian Wilson will be a professional wrestler before he becomes a Ninja Action Movie Star.
Game Time:
How pissed is Tony LaRussa? He had to stand on the field for almost an hour. There are ceremonies for each of the weekend games as well. A Gigante may get plunked to send a message to Los Gigantes management to tame down the pre-game ceremonies.
-Top 1: Jonathon Sanchez starts the game with a 4 pitch walk. He’ll come back n strike out the side. That is the Sanchez we all know and love.
Poor Bochy. I think Sanchez has taken years off his life. We have inning stamps!
Top 2: Uhhh, Huff in the outfield. When is Ross Back? Dammit, 1-0 Cardinals.
If Belt sticks, Huff will be out there next year as well. What happened to the best athlete on the team?
Bottom 2: Pablo takes two pitches (balls), I pitch a tent, Pablo swings at the next pitch (ball), I lose my tent, Pablo with a base hit, and the tent is re-pitched.
I understand completely. Where is the cerveza update? I am kind of living through you at the moment.
Top 3: Uggg, Huff again.
U.G.L.Y. This is becoming a real problem.
Bottom 3: WOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOO (Tejada bomb).
And Tejada becomes the Statue to hit a home run in the Big Leagues. Why is his home run trot appear so fast, but he looks so slow on everything else?
Hell yeah, Jonathon Sanchez with a double.
Boom, Freddy Sanchez with his own double.
Double-Double! Can I trademark the “in-N-out” offense?
Top 5: Jonathon Sanchez is settled. He looks good. Burrell makes a great catch as he crashes into the wall.
Ummm, what happened to the 4th inning?
Bottom 5: I stopped counting beers but there are only 2 Coronas left.
Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail
The lapses in time are explained!
Top 6: Once again Sanchez can’t get through 6. The long first did him in.
He averaged 5.8 innings per start last year. You know what you’re getting.
Bottom 6: Everytime Burrell is up I think he is going to go deep. 30 seconds later: Boom, Burrell goes El Centro.
Belt hits his 1st MLB double! Put him in the Hall!
Whenever I think about Burrell, I think about him defecating on some girl’s living room because she passed out and couldn’t get with Pat The Bat.
Belt goes into the hall in 2032. Book it.
Top 7: Affeldt looks unhittable.
Welcome back 20.09 Version. 20.10 Version was put in the recycle bin.
Top 8: Home Depot doing more on defense, yeah Pablo!
I guess RT finished his all the beer. I do not get it.
Top 9: Wilson time. That beard has so much amazing inside.
It is so dense it can even support rust.
What is that tattoo on Yadier Molina’s neck. A camera shot zoomed in but I cannot figure it out.
I am not sure what it is, but I know what it signifies: I am a professional athlete. I do what I want. I will never have to rely on anyone else for employment.
Walk, infield single and now a HBP to Jon Jay. This is turning into a typical Wilson save. I feel a mini ulcer forming.
Kaz Matusi at the plate….errr Ryan Theriot doing his best impression.
Mother Eff’er (Theriot singles in two. 5-4 Cardinals).
That’s not how the Matsui at bat ended last year.
Bottom 9: Great, Rowand is hitting for Huff, stupid defensive replacement. I mean, great job A-Row!
Panda comes through!!! Bonus Baseball!
It feels strange to feel confident in Rowand. I think this happens every April and May. By June I will completely forget this feeling and loathe his at bats.
Top 11: Oh boy, only Runzler left. He dominates.
I have man crushes on lefty relievers who have filthy stuff. It may be a fetish.
Bottom 11: Torres hits a leadoff double. Go start. Free 90 feet? Thank you very much. Lets go F.Sanchee. Here is the 5 infielder defense. Get her in the air. F.Sanchee out. Rowand has a chance to be the hero two years in a row.
At this point, I got off work and went to the bar. I could no longer handle ESPN Gamecast. See, I need an ipad and Slingbox in my life. Wow, Great play Allan Craig.
Intentional walks to Posey and Sandoval give DeRosa a chance to beat his former team.
Bat. On. Shoulder.
EFFF.
You gotta swing the battttt, you gotttttta swing the batttttttt. I was just offered a beer. I accepted.
Man at Bar: “Why did you accept my offer now but not 10 minutes ago?”
SLY: “Alcohol is a depressant. I am depressed.”
Top 12: Great inning from Runzler. That is the Runzler I saw in Spring Training.
I am upset I didn’t get to see any Spring Training games. In related news, my liver thanked me for not attending Spring Training in 2011.
Bottom 12: Here we go. Runners are on the corners with two outs. Here comes Rowand. Hammered that, Game Over!
Two years in a row for A-Row! Again remind me of how I felt about Rowand in a couple months.
A big thank you to Colby Rasmus for slowing down on that ball, I thought he had a good opportunity to make the play.
Another beer please.
Man in Bar: “I thought you drink when you are depressed?”
SLY: “I also drink when I am happy.”
BIG thanks to RT. I know that was a pain in the A$s.
Your Playoff Beard is Weird
I have never
been to a Gigantes playoff game where they were victorious.
I am 0 for 2.
I went to
those games as a child.
I am now
legally able to purchase alcoholic beverages, which makes me a man.
I stated in
the previous post I was going to dye my beard ala B-Jeezy .
I went for
it, big time.
I rushed
home from work around 2:00pm last Thursday.
The Just for Men was ready to
rock. The color was labeled as REAL BLACK. (That’s why it looks so damn good on men,
words don’t lie.)
5 Easy Minutes? I think not.
I quickly read the
instructions. I figured I’ve seen the commercials
enough where my man instincts would take over.
I mixed the color and went to town on my beard. I then proceeded to make a fatal JFM booboo. One month before my 27th day of
birth, my beard still comes in patchy.
I
thought it’d be a good idea to brush the patchy areas with the color brush. I had 5 minutes to kill (downed a beer) while
the color set. I was surprised how much
the JFM stung my face. I wonder if
B-Jeezy had the same experience.
The painful
5 minutes ended and I jumped into the shower.
I got out and was met with hysterical laughter from Lj. My patchy spots were still filled in with the
real black color of JFM.
Holy Mother Effing
Toledo Uranus Saturn Christo.
I looked
amazing…
That’s what
I kept telling myself.
I freaked
out, Lj told me the dye might stay in my skin for a week. I had work in 48 hours. I had JFM regret, but I imagine that’s part
of the experience.
I hastily
grabbed some household items that may remove the dye from my skin.
The items
included:
1. Make-up
removal.
2. Nail
polish removal.
3. K-Y Warming
Sensation Lube (Awkward…)
4. Tattoo
lotion
5. Proactiv
daily scrub
I had to own
it; the dye was here to stay.
I wasn’t planning
on wearing the Timmy wig and Jersey, but hell, might as well go all out.
I put the
outfit on and looked in the mirror.
The reflection
showed equal parts Tim Lincecum, Jesus Christo, and Brian Wilson.
Timmy Jesus
Wilson.
The gang
loaded into the vehicle and we were off to Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park. Lj asked me to get sunglasses out of the
center console.
My thought process: I
am driving, why doesn’t Lj grab the glasses.
Whatever.
I opened the console and found an item with the glasses, a
freakin Smirnoff Ice.
Lj and KJ
thought this was hilarious.
Holy Mother Effing
Toledo Uranus Saturn Christo.
SLY: “I am
not drinking this until we get there.”
KJ: “I’ll
keep it warm for ya.”
KJ took the Smirnoff
Ice and proceeded to place the bottle under his butt to insure safe keeping.
Thanks KJ.
When arrived
at the parking lot, I got on one knee and accepted my icing like a champ.
The group
walking by us laughed rather hard. I don’t
know if they laughed at my appearance or the icing, possibly a combination of
both.
Pete’s was
on our pregame agenda.
My
Grandparents were also attending the game and were to meet us at Petes.
Here is all
you need to know about my Grandparents.
My Grandmother
on my Grandfather and his alcohol consumption:
Grandmama: “Your
Grandfather may not be able to walk or talk, but he can always drive us home.”
I love my
Grandparents.
When we met
them at the bar they already had a table and drink. My Grandmother did not recognize me. Once she realized it was me, she told me “I
was sooo ugly” about 12 times in 25 minutes.
How is this mug ugly?
My G-Parents
are no rookies at the bar scene. My
Grandpa ordered a Jack on the rocks and my Grandma ordered a white zin.
My Grandpa
also brought a 13oz flask of Jack. My
Grandma brought a jug of wine. They
continued to re-fill their glass.
Pros.
After the
quality pre-game, it was time to get into the park.
I made notes of things that were said to me because of my appearance.
Here are the
top comments:
“Fear the
Beard.”
“Your Beard
is weird.”
“Woah, what
happened?” (My response: JFM is more complicated than it looks on TV.)
“Is that
real?”
My friend Brad
came up clutch with tickets; they were 4 rows from the field, right past first
base.
Thanks Brad.
Timmy took
the hill and the park took on an electric feel.
We all know
what happened next.
CG SHO 14K
performance.
I had to
write a short poem for the historical performance.
Timm-EE, Timm-EE
All the hitters whine
Butts return to the pine
14 Ks though Nine
Smoke Smoke Celebration Time
Timm-EE, Timm-EE
Remember
Timmy in August? I prayed to Jesus
Christo to end Timmy’s Cy Yuck funk. Jesus
is obviously a fan of #55.
I was the
guy at the yard who led the booing of Braves fans. If I spotted a Braves fan, I would stop,
point with two (more manly than one) fingers, and yell “Boooo That Man.”
Booing commenced.
Braves fan
realized he was not welcome.
I do not
remember much about the ride home. I
remember I was one happy boy.
My first playoff
victory made me feel warm and tingly inside.
I was ready for game two.
Friday,
October 8th, 2010.
Game 2
A revelation
occurred when I washed my face. The
toner (step 2) of the Proactiv system took the dye off my face. I no longer wanted to look like a man with a
sharpie on his face. I used about $16.36
of Proactiv toner to remove the excess dye from the skin of my face.
I have been
told by my Hispanic friends that I am an honorary Mexican because of my love of
the food and tequila. I now looked the
part as well. Too bad it wasn’t Cinco de
Mayo.
KJ and I left
for the yard after a quick gym session. We
arrived at the parking lot, and there was no attendant, but we parked
anyways. We headed to 21st
Amendment for a little pre-game until the attendant could take our money.
Per usual,
21st Amendment was fantastic, great brews and food. With our belts loosened and our brains mushy,
we walked back to the parking lot.
There was still
no attendant.
Maybe it was
the 9.7% brews or maybe it was our gambling background. We made a decision that could drastically
alter our night.
KJ: “Screw
it, let’s roll the dice.”
SLY: “I don’t
think Jack (Attendant’s name) looks at the tickets. He’s more concerned with dying.”
KJ: “A tow
truck wouldn’t even fit in here.”
SLY: “A parking
ticket is like $45, only $15 more than what they’re charging.”
KJ: “On to
Pete’s.”
After Pete’s
we made our way into the yard. We had
the same seats as game one, boooyeeehawwww.
I had total confidence
in Cain, and he dealt.
Admittedly,
I thought the game was over when Pat the Bat went 3-run jimmy jack in the
first.
Bobby Cox
got run for the final time in his hall of fame career.
I was almost
in celebration mode.
I know,
premature guy.
I continued
to make Braves fans feel uncomfortable for coming into our yard.
I never felt
better yelling at a grown man.
Brad and I
did start quite a few chants to heckle a Brave.
We heckled a player not
even on the roster, the bullpen catcher.
I don’t know
his first name but his last name was Butts.
Awesome.
The chants
started out harmless.
Brad: “BIIIGGGGG!”
SLY: “BUTTTS!”
X3
Brad: “SMMMEEEEELLLLLYYYY!”
SLY: “BUUUUTTTSSS!”
X3
They started
to get worse…
Brad: “YOU
LIKE IT IN YOURRRRRR…..”
SLY: “BUUUUUUUTTTTTTSSSSS.”
X3
We started to take requests from other Gigantes fans for chants they wanted to hear with “Butts”
involved. They ranged from G-NC-17
ratings.
We had David
Ross in stitches.
A non-fan
friendly Usher told us he was watching us, and we were not permitted to heckle
players.
That was a
buzz kill.
We continued
the chants until the Braves mounted the game tying rally in the 8th. I was no longer in celebration mode. Rick Ankiel punched 44,032 Gigantes fans in the stomach. Doesn’t he know we came to see Los Gigantes win?
Stomach
punch loss.
My mind now
wondered if KJ’s truck would still be in the parking lot. I walked up 2nd Street, turned
down Brannon, and approached the lot.
Gamble paid
off, the truck was still there.
FP was on
fire on the leader during the ride home.
He was combative and had zero tolerance for poor baseball knowledge from
callers.
KJ and I
were angry about the outcome but still had a very positive outlook on the
series.
We got home
around 1:30am. I had to be at work in 6
hours. Uggh.
The beard
was shaved off so I could look somewhat professional at work Saturday
morning. I did have an awesome 5 O’clock
shadow due to the real blackness of
JFM.
Sunday, October
10th
Game 3
Dirty
Sanchez+ Brooks Conrad = Gigantes Victory.
Big ups to
Fred Sanchee for the 2 out hit to extend the 9th inning for
Huff. That’s why you were brought to the
team.
If I ever
meet Brooks, I am buying that man as many drinks as he needs. I feel he will be hitting the bottle often
the next couple days, months, and years.
I hope this series hasn’t ruined his life. I am dead serious. His friends need to be on suicide watch.
I put myself
on suicide watch when I had a horrible game in high school and made a few
errors.
Confidence
is everything in baseball. It is going
to take him a long time to recover.
I loved the
result, but feel for the guy.
Monday,
October 11th
Game 4
C-Lew joined
KJ and I to watch the game, he brought beer.
Good man as always. I arrived in
the 3rd inning, freakin 4:30pm start time. It was 1-0 Braves.
Lowe was
dealing.
RT text’d us
how he was pissed the Gigantes were getting no-hit by a guy on three days’
rest. KJ, C-Lew and I all stated the
same mantra “We’re one pitch away from tying this game.”
6th
inning: Insert Cody Ross, Hero.
Hero
New ballgame.
McCann took
MadBum deep to reclaim the lead in the 6th. McCann
is a straight stud.
This is where
los Gigantes have been so tough all season.
They scratch, claw, bite, and do any thing possible thing to eke out
runs.
Top of the 7th
was no different.
Who got the
big 2 out hit?
Cody Ross,
Hero.
Cassilla,
Loogy, and Wilson close out the game.
Celebration Time
included a class move to applaud and pay respects to Bobby Cox’s career.
Bring on the
Cheesesteaks.
Saturday
cannot come fast enough.
If you haven’t
seen Ashkon’s “Don’t Stop Beilieving” Gigantes 2010 Anthem, you need to check
it out.
Honestly. I am jealous I do not have the talent to do
something like this.
I love the Will
“The Thrill” impersonation.
Playoff Beards and RE-CON Missions
Top of the 1st, 2 outs, Denorfia on 2nd base, Adrian Gonzalez at the plate:
SLY: “Pitch around A-Gon, don’t let this dude beeee, EFFFFFFFF, OH GOD!!! Thank you God, Thank you.”
Gonzalez hit a line drive directly at Juan Uribe to end the inning.
KJ: “Dude, you need to relax.”
SLY: “I am relaxed! I am fine.”
I was not, fine. I was a nervous wreck. I screamed, moaned, cheered, and acted as the game meant more to the world than peace in the Middle East.
I was calm before the game. KJ and I had a conversation while the 49ers fumbled (Two words Nate, Ball-Security) their game away about how we were confident in a Gigantes victory.
C-Lew alerted that he would grace us with his presence for the game.
(Remember C-Lew? Here is a picture to jog the memory)
C-Lew’s impending arrival gave us a chance to plan an “Icing” (Please refer to previous post if you do not understand the term).
I placed a warm Smirnoff Ice on the welcome mat outside the front door. The sun light added a few tasty degrees to delicious beverage.
Game time.
It was obvious I was a nervous wreck. KJ threw me a Silver Bullet to relax.
Bottom One.
Andy Torres got the screw job from Mike Everitt on a ball down the left field line. The replays showed chalk in the air.
I decided to Hoot & Holler.
“HEY MIKEY, ONE MORE EYE AND YOU’D BE A CYCLOPES.”
The call cost us a run, thanks Mike. Eff you. I will forever hate your stinkin’ guts.
I have issues.
C-Lew showed up in the 2nd. KJ and I awaited the icing.
It didn’t happen. C-Lew came in through the slider.
Gosh-dang it.
C-Lew did bring beer. Good Man.
All was not lost in the icing department. I had a plan to ice KJ after los Gigantes won the west.
I audibled to C-Lew.
I alerted KJ to the audible (I did not tell him the ice was meant for him, but I am sure he knew). The Ice was placed in front of a bottle of tequila, when C-Lew fetched another round of beers I would ask him to pour up a round of shots. Icing complete.
Bottom 3:
Mat Latos threw a pitch into the one zone that Dirty Sanchee’s swing path crosses.
Stand-up triple.
Un-freakin-believable.
Torres could not come through. With 2 outs, Fred Sanchee could.
1-0 Gigantes. High fives, fist pounds, and other male cheering riturals were liberally given to one another.
Aubrey Efffing Huff hits the big double to make it 2-0.
C-Lew heads to the fridge for a fresh cold one.
SLY: “Pour up three rally shots.”
C-Lew: “Where at?”
SLY: “In the cabinet above the bar.”
C-Lew opened the cabinet.
C-Lew: “What the hell is this?” (Referring to the Smirnoff Ice.)
KJ: “HAHAHAHAHAHA, you just got ICED bro.”
C-Lew: “Whhhhhaaaat?”
KJ: “It is a game, where participation is mandatory.”
C-Lew: “What do I have to do?”
KJ: “Get down on one knee, and do not get up until it is finished.”
C-Lew: “Can I get a cold one?”
KJ: “No, it has to be warm. It is in the rules.”
C-Lew got on one knee and pounded it like a champ.
C-Lew: “You guys still want the shot?”
KJ and SLY: “That’s a silly question.”
Sanchez battled through 5+ and gave way to the bullpen.
The bullpen has been lights out.
Zeros ensued.
Buster Posey locked up the ROY with a solo bomb in the 8th. He doesn’t have the curtain call thing mastered yet. He will have time to learn.
On comes B-Weezy. Easy 1-2-3.
Celebration time.
More enthusiastic male celebratory rituals commenced.
Our celebration continued to the backyard. Beers were cracked and happy f-bombs were liberally spewed for the entire neighborhood to enjoy.
I hope children were not within earshot.
EAR MUFFS KIDS!
We watched the post game celebration, highlighted by Timmy dropping a massive F-Bomb in his interview with AmyG.
Best piece AmyG has ever been apart of.
Goodness, I appreciate this postseason birth more than the previous ones in my lifetime.
Los Gigantes re-built their team in year 3AB (After Barry).
There are zero everday players from the 2007 lineup to the 2010 lineup.
I love pitching.
We came down from our high and cleaned up to go a concert. My friend (Steve) recently was signed by a record label and had one his first shows with his new band (Dazeafter).
Steven Robb of Dazeafter
I wanted to show my support and check out the band.
C-Lew had another agenda.
RE-CON MISSION.
C-Lew is a man of the law. He saw a group of people who are not law abiding citizens and wanted to do work.
There was a strong presence of H.A.’s at the concert venue. C-Lew called his co-worker who worked in the gang unit and alerted him of the situation.
C-Lew got the green light to snap some pictures of the H.A.’s at the show. He got advice: be careful.
C-Lew brought us into the fold. He took out his phone and asked us if we could hear the shutter of the camera.
KJ: “Yes, don’t get us killed.”
C-Lew set his camera settings to silent and went on his mission.
Alcohol is an invincibility cloak.
C-Lew is a professional; he was not noticed and did his job well.
He wanted to talk to the local police at the show, he asked us for some advice first.
C-Lew: “Do I sound too intoxicated?”
SLY: “You’re good. Just slow down your speech pattern and enunciate every syllable.”
…….says the guy who stumbles over his own words stone sober.
C-Lew approached Lodi’s finest; he must have talked too fast and not enunciated very well. He was back within a minute.
We made our way into the theater. Dazeafter came on, Steve sounded great, and the band played tight. Dazeafter is going on tour with Sevendust in February. Check them out at www.dazeafter.com.
Great job Steve.
We made it home without further incident, I would like to praise Jesus Christo.
Back to los Gigantes, I am fortunate enough to have tickets for all los Gigantes home playoff games.
Thank you Brad. Who do I have to kill for you?
You think I am joking.
To help los Gigantes on their quest for a World Series title, I am growing a playoff beard, which I will dye jet black with Just for Men in homage to los Gigantes bullpen.
The last time I really went for the playoff beard was 2008 for the San Jose Sharks. I was in college and I thought it looked fantastic. One of my professors called me aside after class.
Professor (Woman): “Shaun, you are a good looking kid, but you look horrible. Why are you growing that thing?”
SLY: “It’s a playoff beard, for the Sharks.”
Professor: “Girls are not going to find you attractive, shave it off.”
I trimmed it when I got home.
My facial hair is two years more mature, the patchiness has improved.
I am going for it. It will be hideous, and I will love it.
It may be my permanent look if los Gigantes win it all.
Ill be debuting the new look at Pete’s before Game one.
Happy Playoffs.
Hello Postseason, May I come in?
Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
The Postseason.
Who, what, come again?
The Postseason, I understand we haven’t seen each other in quite some time.
It’s been 7 years. I didn’t think I would ever see you again. Champagne to celebrate?
2003 was the last time los Gigantes made a postseason appearance.
Flashback to 2003:
I was a 20 year old college baseball player, unable to legally purchase alcohol, gamble, or rent a car.
2003 was also the year I got kicked out of Pac Bell Park when I interfered and “ruined baseball.”
Skip (Head Baseball Coach at Napa Valley College) gave RT and I his front row bleacher seats over the Yahoo! sign. The game was 8-1 (Marlins lead) in the bottom of the 7th. Jeffery Hammonds (who was playing for Barry Lamar) hit a ball deep to left-center field. The ball was coming straight for us. It became apparent the ball was going to be a little short (Guess he was the only Gigante not taking advantage of BALCO). I reached over the fence, and stretched, and then stretched some more. My torso was completely over the fence with my arm outstretched as far as possible. The ball hit the edge of the webbing of my PRO-ALMC model SSK and fell down to the warning track.
If Jeffery looked like this, I would have caught the ball and not been humiliated.
I lifted my torso back up, and was immediately booed by 40,000 Gigantes fans. The intoxicated bleacher bum in the row behind us began pounding his fist into my back and screamed:
IBB: “You ruined baseball! You ruined baseball!!”
SLY: “It’s an 8-1 game, it was going to be a double anyways!”
IBB: “You ruined baseball! You ruined baseball!”
An Usher quickly came to escort me (RT came too) out of the ballpark for “ruining baseball”. As I was being escorted out, 40,000 people began to cheer.
I was being cheered, to leave. Humiliating.
As I took one look back to the field where I was being banished from, the young leftfielder of the Marlins, Miguel Cabrera gave me an appreciative thumbs up.
You’re welcome Miguel.
The worst part wasn’t over.
My phone started to ring, and ring, and ring some more.
Dad: “What the hell were you doing? Kruk circled, and then eliminated you.”
I had this same call throughout the rest of the day.
I was on SportsCenter for the 2nd time (I have now been on 3 times, the third time was almost as embarrassing, another day another blog).
The cherry on top- The next day (Monday) I went to the cafeteria to get some lunch before baseball practice. As I was purchasing my meal the lunch lady looked at me and said:
“If you are going to go over the fence, catch it, MEAT.”
I have not brought my glove to a professional ballgame since.
To end the 2003 flashback, the Marlins beat los Gigantes in the NLDS and went on to win the World Series.
The Marlins have been in the postseason twice (both Wild Cards) in their 17 year existence, have beaten los Gigantes in the NLDS both times, and went on to win the World Series both times.
Symmetry is disgusting.
Flash forward back to 2010. Los Gigantes are one Dub-Ya away from poppin’ some bubbly.
Asta La Bye-Bye Fathers.
Mad-Bum fought though his start for his first W at Pac-Bell/SBC/AT&T Park on Thursday.
Los Gigantes again scored all of their runs off Jimmy Jacks. It is as exciting as it is flawed.
…I really want to get back to Wednesday.
Los Gigantes and I had great days.
I was unable to watch the game, as KJ, RT, LJ, and I had tickets to watch the Black Keys perform at the Fox Theater.
Pat the Bat hit the 3-run Jimmy Jack during the opening act (The Black Seeds, solid act). After the first 2 innings Timmy was in full control, we felt like the game was over. It was.
3-1 Gigantes.
The Black Keys came to the stage.
Holy Smokes (Too bad Timmy couldn’t join in the fun).
I got ear EFFF’d by the Black Keys and loved every second of it.
As I enjoyed the love being made to my ears, I was able to draw one comparison between The Black Keys and los Gigantes.
Both played as a team with unparalleled confidence.
Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney are a team, a great team, and they get each other. They diverge and extend their tracks when they see fit. As a spectator, you can see them (Dan to Patrick) making eye contact, an unspoken sign that signifies where they will go next.
Los Gigantes are playing their best and most confident baseball of the year. The 2010 version of los Gigantes has to be one of the best chemistry teams in San Francisco history.
KJ, RT, LJ, and I all left the Fox Theater in a state of nirvana.
We were really hungry for some reason.
In N Out to the rescue.
POSTSEASON ROSTER DEBATE
As KJ and I were sitting on the couch during Thursday’s game, we started talking about the postseason roster and who would fill it out.
I asked him and RT to e-mail me their 25 man rosters. I wanted to see how our rosters stacked up to Boch’s.
KJ and RT’s Roster were identical. I truly think this is the 25 man roster Bochy will run with. RT also added that he would add Chris Ray and sub Renteria in the 2nd round. If los Gigantes are fortunate enough get to the 2nd round, where I expect them to face the Fight’n Phils, I would like to see another lefty in the pen.
Pitchers
Lincecum
Cain
Sanchez
Bumgarner
Zito
Wilson
Romo
Lopez
Ramirez
Casilla
Affeldt
INF
Posey
Huff
Sanchez
Sandoval
Uribe
Fontenot
Renteria
Ishikawa
Whiteside
OF
Guillen
Torres
Burrell
Ross
Schierholtz
I want to know one item before I make my final decision. Does Bochy plan on starting Zito in a playoff series?
If Bochy plans on starting Zito, than this is the roster I would run with.
If Bochy does not plan on starting Zito, there is no use for him on this roster. He cannot come out of the bullpen. It takes him 50-75 throws to get loose. I am sure most would agree that Zito is the weak link of our starters.
If Zito is not used at as a starter, I would add Dan Runzler to the 25 man roster. Lefty Power arms are scarce; los Gigantes already have one with Jeremy Affeldt, two would be deadly late in games (Phillies anyone?).
By the way, it looks like Jeremy joined the “Just for Men” beard team as well.
It would also be humorous to have $30 million dollars left off the postseason roster (Zito and Rowand).
Bochy will probably name Zito the 2 or 3 starter, citing his experience and MadBum will take the roster spot where I would place Runzler.
We will find out by Tuesday.
The postseason door is open, los Gigantes just have to walk through.
I can almost taste the cheap champagne and beer.
Making Erik Everhard Proud and NFL Realignment Dreams
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It took six days but the roommate is gone. Los Gigantes now sit alone atop the NL West. It is 2:30AM and I am still wide awake at
work and in quite a good mood. My heightened
alertness can be the attributed to the quadruple espresso I finished at 1:00AM. My euphoric mood is from stomping the Dodgers
to get to grab a hold of first place.
What a fun and satisfying win. Aubrey and Buster went b2b, Garrrrr
(Renteria) had 4 knocks, Guiilen went 3×3 with a bomb, and the Dodgers were treated
to a Dirty Sanchez that would make even the great Erik Everhard proud.
#57 was dirtier than this.
Atta babe Sanchee. True to form, you never know what you are
going to get with #57. Last turn out,
Sanchez walked 7 in five innings but held down the Fathers. I stated he was wildly effectively wild. Tonight he pounded, pounded, and pounded the
zone some more. Sanchez finished the
night 7in 4h 1r 0bb and a career high 12ks.
It was only the 13th time in Los Gigantes history a pitcher
has had 0BBs and 12Ks.
Before the season KJ and I discussed how many victories Los
Gigantes needed from their starters to make the playoffs. We decided on 60. Los Gigantes are at 53. They will need to get to 60 to get in.
KJ and I are smart.
If Los Gigantes make the playoffs, Sanchez is getting a
start in the NLDS. The $126 million
dollar man will be a reliable long man. Well, I hope Mr. Zito is cast into that
roll. I hope Bruce Bochy doesn’t have
any “Seattle Spirit” with Zito and his experience in the post-season. I was in Seattle this past weekend and learned what the
“Seattle Spirit” is all about. This is
the definition, as defined by a tour guide with a Masters in History from Western Washington
University, “Seattle Spirit is when a person has an idea,
even if it is a bad idea, and continues with the idea until the idea is either
finished or until it becomes a good idea.”
I had two epiphanies.
I must have been born in Seattle, because most of my actions and
thoughts epitomize Seattle Spirit.
I finally understand how the WNBA came to be.
The Seattle Storm won the WNBA Championship tonight. Somehow, it feels right. I am sure the 2010 WNBA Championship trophy
makes up for missing out watching Kevin Durant over the next decade.
I will write about my Seattle
adventure over the weekend. The trip
involved plenty of Seattle Spirit.
…but on the way to Seattle,
something amazing happened.
KJ, LJ, and I were on the road to the Airport at 3:00AM. We were all on 3 hours of sleep or less. The radio was the only thing audible.
At 3:45 amidst the silence, KJ gets up, clears his throat,
and has something to say.
KJ: “Holy Cheese (edit), I got a great idea.”
SLY: “Yeah?”
KJ: “I’m going to realign the NFL.”
SLY: “It has already been done.”
KJ: “Not like this. I
want o realign the NFL by grouping the mascots.”
I smiled and turned around.
This sounded like a great way to kill some time at the airport.
We started grouping the teams into new divisions.
We met up with some non-sports fans friends (Law Students)
and posed asked them for their advice about the subject over a many adult
beverages.
“We have 32 people/places/things and want to make 6-8 groups/divisons
with 4-6 in each group/division where the people/places/things all have some
common thread.”
We had a pen and paper. The law students gave good insights and
perspective. After much debate, here is
our NFL realignment:
Bird
Division
·Cardinals
·Falcons
·Eagles
·Ravens
·Seahawks
A Solid division with a couple of solid
super bowl contenders.
Predator Division
·Bears
·Panthers
·Jaguars
·Lions
·Bengals
Uhhh, this reminds me of the NFC West. Bengals win the division with 9 wins!
Hooved Division
·Bills
·Broncos
·Colts
·Rams
Colts win this division every year until
Peyton Manning can no longer breathe.
Wild West Division
·49ers
·Cowboys
·Redskins
·Chiefs
I am happy the 49ers and Cowboys would play
every year. We could also call this the
Over-Rated division.
Hometown Heroes Division 1
·Titans (Formerly
Oilers, makes more sense then)
·Steelers
·Texans
·Patriots
·Jets
The AL EAST of the NFL. All
5 teams are playoff contenders.
Hometown Heroes Division 2
·Giants
· Saints
·Chargers
·Packers
·Browns
(Paul
Brown)
Drew
Brees would get to go all “Brett Favrey” on the Bolts twice a year. Fun.
Rape and Pillage Division
·Raiders
·Vikings
·Buccaneers
·Dolphins
(They are defenseless sea mammals.)
Have you ever seen a
Dolphin rape and pillage a pirate? You
would in this division.
The traveling secretaries would all get a massive
raise. It would be well deserved.
We must do this with MLB.
I am starting at work now.
MadBum on the bump tomorrow night.
Remember me Bernie?
Bring on the Ceverceros.
Hello 1st Place and Just For Men Fun
Hello 1st place. Long time no see. I like the way you smell, taste, and feel. Mind if I stay here through the first week of October? I promise to behave if we can get rid of the roommate by the end of the weekend.
The roommate could be gone by tomorrow.
What a wild past two weeks. I love this crazy game that consumes my life.
Jonathan Sanchez was wildly effectively wild. He sported another head scratching line of 5.0in 1h 7bb and 4k in los Gigantes 1-0 victory. This is who he is. He has a fastball that is tough to square up and a release point that is equally challenging for him to replicate.
The only run seemed fitting from the team that leads the NL in grounding into double plays. Juan Uribe beat out a potential double play ball with runners at the corners, however he got some help. Nate Schierholtz did a great job getting to David Eckstein as he attempted to turn the double play. Eckstein was unable to get much on the throw.
Schierholtz hasn’t started since June but he has had a direct impact in 2 of the 4 victories for los Gigantes this week, as Kruk would say, “Atta babe.”
B-Weezy shut the door with a 5 out save to seal the W. My friends and I noticed something odd about Wilson, which isn’t odd, since he is such an odd fellow.
His beard is weird. It is jet black. His beard naturally has slight ginger tones. Yes, I notice such details. I think B-Weezy is trying to push an angle to get into a “Just for Men” ad campaign. Tell me I am wrong. I want to see B-Weezy re-create the classic JFM ad where a man with a grayish beard attempts to talk to “Ms. Hottie” and gets shut down and Walt Frazier and Keith Hernandez say in unison “No play for Mr. Grey.” Cut to B-Weezy brushing in his JFM in the bar bathroom (The towel guy in bar bathrooms who makes you feel uncomfortable by making you feel obligated to tip him for handing you a towel should carry JFM for such occasions.) and after it sets in five minutes later B-Weezy returns to the bar. “Ms. Hottie” is now immediately more attracted to the newly darkened beard of B-Weezy (who needs P90X?) and goes head first in for a “Smush” (Sorry, Jersey Shore term. Is that how it is used?). Instead of Walt and Keith yelling “Home Run” because B-Weezy wouldn’t appreciate the usage, they will both yell…”Nice Save!”
This needs to happen.
When it does, I want royalties for all boxes of JFM sold with B-Weezy’s mug printed on them.
I know B-Weezy could out sell this goof ball.
I am getting up in 2 hours to board a flight to Seattle to watch the Niners opener on Sunday. I need to be at a bar in Seattle in 11 hours and 50 minutes to watch los Gigantes led by Madison take sole possession of 1st place. I am going on 5 hours of sleep in 2 days.
I hear there are a few Starbucks in Seattle. I will be the guy who keeps his cup for the free refill by 2pm.
Offensive Offense
I am not easily offended, but I have been recently with Los Gigantes offense. Los Gigantes were about 2-38 (Los Gigantes had a 1-31 going before Andres Torres came through with a RBI single on Saturday night!!) with RISP the past week which has led to a total of 10 runs in 6 games, a mighty average of 1.6 runs per contest.
Don’t be offended, this picture only represents how dirty Jonathan Sanchez has been thus far.
The week was salvaged (Los Gigantes went 2-4) by sensational pitching performances (Dirty Sanchez), excluding Todd Wellemeyer (However, it was Wellemyer’s best of his three starts this season: 4IN 2ER 3H 4BB 3SO. What happened to his excellent control during Spring Training?).
I think Mr. Wellemeyer hit his wall even earlier than I anticipated.
Who’s to blame for the offensive offense?
I will start with KJ. I thought I was a jinx when I attended Los Gigantes first defeat; KJ accompanied me to the game. KJ made the voyage to Petco for the first two games of the San Diego series, Los Gigantes lost both games. This was not a coincidence. My empirical evidence shows that in 2010 Los Gigantes lose every time KJ attends a regular season night game in the state of California.
There is one way to fix the jinx of KJ. KJ and I must attend a Gigantes game outside the bankrupt state of California.
Why must I go?
Because I can.
I think a trip to Colorado or Arizona will suffice. Ummm, maybe not Arizona, I think I am still a wanted man after my $200 French fry fiasco. Colorado it will be. We need to find a weekend series and make this happen.
The earliest weekend series in Colorado is the July 4th weekend.
Maybe KJ can try a day game before then.
The rest of the offensive blame for the past week can be handed out to every hitter on Los Gigantes not named Pablo Sandoval or Andres Torres. Ah heck, Ill throw in Nate Schierholtz as well, he did have an RBI infield single.
I want to shift my offensiveness of Los Gigantes’ offense to other things in life that either offend me or really ruffle my feathers.
1. Scott Spiezo. I hate you and your red sole-patch. I almost felt good that you turned to drugs.
I wish F-Rod had a pitch other than a fastball.
2. The Rally Monkey. I hope your golden years are spent in captivity where you have to consistently dodge fecal matter thrown by Monkeys who are Gigantes fans.
This makes me sick.
3. Rally Monkey’s at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park. They started being sold in 2003. Who gave the go ahead for filling the merchandise stands with Gigantes Rally Monkeys? I am sure the person was a marketing major who never once participated in any athletic competition. If I were St. Paul, this person would not enter the Pearly Gates.
4. October of 2002. See 1 through 3.
5. Subway Sandwich Chain. Subway uses the cheapest meats, cheese, and produce available. Do they think I would not notice? I am a 5 year veteran (High School) of the world of delicatessens/sandwich shops. I noticed, but still patronize your establishment because you are open until 10PM. Darn your Jared propaganda and late night $5 footlongs.
This makes me giggle.
6. Anything and everything related to the Dodgers. I even hate Carmelo Anthony’s wife because her first name is the abbreviation of Los Angeles twice in a row.
This makes me feel warm inside.
7. The guy who intentionally vomited on the Father/Daughter at the Phillies game. Maybe this wonderful man was from that culture that Ben Stiller was referencing in “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story”.
“You know in some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there before, but I read about it… IN A BOOK!”
I could never think of such a horrid action. This was the equivalent of urinating or defecating on someone. Then again, he is from Philly. Here is my first experience from a Phillies game from 2008:
My Father and I were in the second row behind the Mets dugout on July 4th, 2008 at Citizens Bank Park. It was about 20 minutes before for first. David Wright was playing catch in front of the dugout as he always does. A young (7 year old) Phillies fan was sitting beside us with his Father. He was screaming at David for an autograph. It was Americas 232nd birthday in the city where the Declaration of Independence was signed, David felt the Americana and rewarded the young Phillie fan. David grabbed a ball, a pen, and signed the ball. He gently tossed the ball (Chest high, glove side) to the young fan.
The young boy was ecstatic. He smiled, looked at his Father, and gave David what was sure to be a big thank you.
Young Fan: “Hey David, you can suck my Richard” I have to edit the four letter word.
David Wright did not respond.
The boy’s Father gave his son a high-five to signal his approval.
I understand why the vomit incident occurred in Philadelphia.
Start ’em young!
8. Americans who claim another country when they were born in the United States of America.
Yes, I am talking about you, A-Rod.
You were born in Miami.
9. Steroid users who claim they juiced to heal from injuries. I take Viagra for the blood circulation.
10. Neck Tattoos.
Whhyyyyyyyyyyyy???
A neck tattoo says a few things:
A. I am independently employed and wish to stay that way.
B. I do things my way.
C. I am either a Professional Athlete, Drug Dealer, or Rock Star. If I don’t make it big in any of these three lucrative fields I will be regulated to wearing turtle necks at any respectable job.
D. I want people to think I am nuts.
E. I am nuts.
I am sorry if I offended Ryan Roberts of the D-Backs. Please do not hurt me. You may be of the E. variety.
Wow, listing things that offend me almost made me forget that Renteria and The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez) are a combined 12/76 over their past 10 games. I love it when the primary one and two hitters are raking at a .158 clip.
Maybe Los Gigantes made a mistake by shipping off F.Loser (Fred Lewis). He is lighting it up on the Blue Birds with a line of .208/.296/.333 with 9 Ks in 24 at bats.
Breathe Shaun, Breathe.
I am okay, the season is a marathon. I need to ride the waves.
I am angry I did not attend the games on Friday and Saturday against the Cardinals. I missed out on my Gigantes wearable blanket and Pablo bobblehead.
I need one of these.
I will be scouring ebay for both.
Bring on Roy Halladay and the Phills. I promise no Gigantes fan at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park will intentionally vomit on someone.
Too many cheesesteaks.
I cannot make that promise about the Phillies fans.
Dad Life 