Tagged: Randy Johnson

A Gigante Scare and Impossible Expectations.

Lincecum scratched.

Lincecum-scratched.  I do not want to hear or believe those two words could be strung together.

I think I can speak for all Gigantes fans when I say that I think I had a heart attack, a stoke, or any other horrible bodily function which could lead to death.



He’s our hero.  He’s “The Freak”.  He cannot be injured.

Quite honestly I thought Lincecum might have been a robot Bud Selig created.  It would have been Bud’s second (and only second) good idea after implementing the wild card. 

My thought process was this…Bud knew fans were having a hard time identifying with the Incredible Hulk like sluggers such as our beloved Barry Lamar.  Bud invented Tim Lincecum (known as Project55) so fans could reconnect with a super human player of average stature.  Bud was sure to have Timmy make his debut during Barry Lamar’s final season in 2007. 

Perfect planning Bud!

My Dad alerted me Lincecum was scratched. 

I half joking replied with I hope Madison Bumgarner takes his spot.

My Dad informed me Bumgarner was starting.

Holy fing shizzz…. Whhhaat?

An early Christmas gift in September?



Thank you Santa. 

Bumgarner’s hype has been other worldly. 

Here are my expectations for Madison Bumgarner’s career:

 He will be a combination of Cy Young (511 wins), Randy Johnson (4,869 ks), and Jesus (Son of God).  He will also sport Bob Gibson’s 1968 ERA (1.12) for his career.



Madison Bumgarner will become the greatest pitcher and man of all time.


Those expectations seem reasonable.

I wrote a little poem for Mr. Bumgarner.


You can turn water into Wine

You can keep teams hitless through Nine

You can find the cure to the Swine

Please bring a championship before the end of my Time



How’d he do?

He did not keep the Padres hitless.  He did not turn water into wine or find the cure for the Swine flu. 

He did have a successful debut.

5.1in, 5h, 2er, 1bb, and 4ks.

He left with Los Gigantes up 3-2.

He didn’t live up to my expectations.  I can’t belive he didn’t throw a no-no with 16ks.  Jeeze…get rid of the bum!

In all seriousness.  Nice first outing kid.

There were reports he was not throwing in the mid 90s coming in.  Those reports were correct.  He was around 87-91mph for most of the game.  This may be the result of a young kid getting tired at the end of season.  He did show good poise and control. His cross-over step and low 3/4 release appear to be a hard pickup for hitters. 

If this pitching thing doesn’t work out Bumgarner can always pull a Rick Ankiel.  The kid looks like he can swing it.

I don’t want to talk about the outcome of the game.  I am 10 minutes away from Tylenol Pm’n myself to sleep.  

Losses like this keep me awake.



I am not productive at work without adequate sleep.



I have one final topic to hit on.

The new batting helmets.



David Wright and Edgar Gonzalez both went on the DL after taking pitches to their beans.  In their first at bats off the DL they were sporting some new head wear. Wright only used it for a few ABs while Gonzalez continues to don the new helmet.  Gonzalez does switch it (the new helmet) out for the old helmet while on the bases. 




I’ve seen that helmet before.  Where was that from…..ohhh, got it!



I understand these helmets will protect the melons better than the current models but they look too cartoonish.  

My friend (RT) and I came up with some other uses for the new melon protectors.

Solider (combat) helmets.  I am fairly certain they could take a direct hit from a missile.

Motorcycle helmet. Hey, it looks cool! 

Race car driver helmet. 

Special needs person helmet. I am serious- I am not an A-hole. 

Life Size Bobble head models.  Put it on anyone and have them just bob their head … Perfect.

My friends and I play in an Adult Baseball League.  I joked that I would buy the new helmets for our team (if they didn’t cost $90 each!).

RT said he’d sport one.  As long as it was ONLY in a Scandia batting cage.  RT and I know how wild the Scandia pitching machines can be. 

F U SCANDIA “High Heat” pitching machine in March of 2000.

I am sure only RT will understand that.


I am off to pass out in a Tylenol PM coma.


Barry Zito Day Drinking Game Tomorrow.  




Life in an Alternate Universe

I hope everyone watched or listened to yesterday’s game.  

Lincecum was amazing.  

When did the umpires start wearing (Dodger) blue?  There were three horrendous calls.  The game never should have went to extra frames.  I hope the adversity of the Dodger series will bring the team closer together.

Thank you Guillermo Mota for throwing Mr. Uribe (After a walk-off I have to pay my respects with the Mr.) an 0-2 fastball after Mr. Uribe looked horrible on the first two sliders.

This win felt much larger than the one win it represented in the standings.  What a great way to board a flight to New York.


Ok, off to my alternate universe.

I got back from the gym last night feeling extremely chipper.  The encore presentation (already called “an instant classic”) of the game was being shown at the gym.  My friend, his girlfriend, and I had a conversation of what Los Gigantes players would be if they were not pro ball players.

Here is life for Los Gigantes roster in our alternate universe. 

Starting Pichers


#55 Tim Lincecum

Hot Topic employee or ticket taker at a movie theater.

Timmy has the look for both jobs. 

Tim’s long black hair, bracelets, and the beanie he wears every second off the baseball field would be a perfect fit for the emo cliental at Hot Topic.

I swear Timmy takes my tickets at the Movie Theater I patronize.


#18 Matt Cain


Cain is home grown and corn fed.  He has the size, strength, and patience (he did not seem to get frustrated with the lack of run support the previous two seasons) to be an excellent farmer.


#75 Barry Zito


Zito is ultra famous because of lyrics like:

Like I slept with your mother

Don’t judge me, cause

I could be your brother and

we could be a family

dreamy zito.jpg 

Thanks for that Barry. Classic.

 #57 Jonathan Sanchez 

Rum Distiller

Sanchez is from the land of Rum (Puerto Rico).  It is no surprise he started making the stuff.  The quality of his product is inconsistent, but his buyers keep buying in hope he will replicate his flashes of brilliance.


#51 Randy Johnson


Johnson is old, has the red a$s, and has been under the knife.  Johnson has carved up hitters for about 20 years.  He would do the same on humans.



#38 Brian Wilson

Professional Wrestler

Brian, a failed actor went to professional wrestling after being discovered by a WWE talent scout during a P90X infomercial. His stage name became a combination of his real life nickname (B-Weezy) and a tribute to his faith (Jesus). He became known as B-Jeezy.


#54 Sergio Romo

bmays.jpgProfessional Pitch Man




Romo inspired by the late Billy Mays would become the most successful Latino Pitch Man in the history of the universe. Oxy Limpio, his clear, crisp, booming voice, jet black goatee, and white teeth would help carry him to the top of the Latin Pitch Man profession.




#41 Jeremy Affeldt

Cyber Sex Crime Detective

Affeldt is a Detective prowling the world wide web for cyber sex crime violators.  He poses as a 15 year old blond female with the screen name HotELuvsRelief41 to reel in the predators. 


#52 Brandon Medders


After failing his way through High School, Brandon enrolled in a trade school and became an average electrician.  He is signed up with local union #520 

#45 Travis Miller

Tattoo Artist

The most tattoo’d man in Baseball history is a tattoo artist.  I am not sure if he is much of an artist, or if he has a steady hand.  Any takers?


#46 Bob Howry

Leader of  The Mormon Church

Howry is the leader of The Mormon Church.  He would become more powerful than Joseph Smith.  Somehow people have unwavering faith in Howry, and he looks the part.



Joseph Smith- WoW. 


#47 Merkin Valdez

Ice Cream Man

Valdez’s big wide smile brings kids to his ice cream truck.  He makes a nice living.


#49 Joe Martinez

Organized Crime

The clean cut and good looking Martinez has a nice career in organized crime.  He’s from Jersey, so he’s got connections.  We know he can take a big punch and has no problem coming back for more.


Position Players


#1 Bengie Molina 


Molina along with his partner Andres Torres are a great team in the Coyote business.  Molina has great navigation skills.  Although he is not fleet of foot, he gets the job done.


#22 Eli Whiteside

Just For Men Cover boy

Mr. Whiteside is a cover boy for  the “Just for Men” hair coloring product.  Whiteside would be in the same class as other JFM legends; Walt Frazier, Emmett Smith, and Keith Hernandez. 

Whiteside has climbed to Jared of Subway fame.


#10 Travis Ishikawa

Sushi Chef/Entertainer

Ishikawa is a world renown sushi chef and  “House of Genji” entertainer.  The Japanese side of him came out.  However, he is timid with  knifes, which led to “House of Genji” finding a replacement 60% through the busy dining season.


#23 Ryan Garko

Barry Zito Impersonator

Despite having a much different build, Garko has an solid career as an Impersonator for ultra-famous singer/songwriter Barry Zito.  Garko started in small towns such as Cleveland and packed his bags for the bright lights of Las Vegas where he was expect to make a huge impact in the impersonation field but has done little to influence his profession.  


 “Like I slept with your mother, don’t judge me, cause I could be your brother, and we could be a family.”


#35 Rich Aurilia

Baseball Coach

Aurilia is an excellent  baseball coach.  He loves to hang around the game and this profession provides a great option.  HHIIINNNTTTTT!


#21 Freddy Sanchez

Substitute Teacher

Sanchez is a substitute teacher who did an excellent job and later became full time.  He became tenured! 


#16 Edgar Renteria

Colombian Drug Lord

Cocaine is the Country’s business.  It is what came natural to him. 


#5 Juan Uribe

Circus Clown

Uribe has a nice career in the Ringling Bros Family Circus.  He looks, acts, talks, and walks funny. He makes people smile and laugh.  He loves his career. 


#48 Pablo Sandoval

Pablo Sandoval could only be one thing.

A professional baseball player.  The Panda was born to play this game. Sandoval doing anything else would make me vomit.



#8 Eugenio Velez

Cab Driver

Velez has lots of experience on buses, so he knows where he is going. I also call Velez the Eritrean Cab Driver for a reason. Use your eyes.


#20 John Bowker

Abercrombie and Fitch Model

Bowker is a model for Abercrombie and Fitch. He has one problem,  he looks better on paper than in person.  Which has stalled a once promising career.


#2 Randy Winn

College Professor

Winn teaches multiple subjects as he was never great in one, but good in many.


#33 Aaron Rowand

Construction Worker

Rowand is a blue-collar American worker.  He builds over-priced houses for over-paid professional athletes. 

 I think he owns one of those houses in our universe.


#12 Nate Schierholtz

Hair Club for Men Spokesman

Pre-maturely balding Schierholtz got hooked up with the Hair Club for Men group.  HCFM made such an astounding difference that Schierholtz became the lead before/after shot in all the HCFM infomercials.

#59 Andres Torres


Torres and partner Bengie Molina are a great team in the coyote business.  Torres is fleet of foot and runs ahead of the herd to look for would-be obstacles while on the quest to cross the border. 


#14 Fred Lewis

 High School Gym Teacher

Lewis reminisces about his glory days in High School while teaching. 

He tells the students,

“F.Lew is a legendary ball player”.



God help the children of tomorrow.