Tagged: Juan Uribe

BoOoOoO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE

From:

 

UUUUUUUUUUU-RRRRRRRIIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

UUUUUUUUUUU-RRRRRRRIIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

UUUUUUUUUUU-RRRRRRRIIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

To:

 

BoOoOoOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE!!!

 

BoOoOoOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE!!!

 

BoOoOoOOOOooOOooOOOOoooOO-RRRRIIIBBBEEE!!!

 

Heck, it might be:

 

FFFFFFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRRRIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

FFFFFFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRRRIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

FFFFFFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRRRIIIBBBEEEEE!!!

 

Mr. Happy Jazz Hands left us for the smog infested air of SoCal and the Bums.

 

 

 

Uribe_and_Colletti.jpg

Two Ex-Gigantes turned Bums

Say it ain’t so.

 

Do we dare boo one of our 2010 World Champion heroes?

 

Hell yes.

 

I’ll set the stage for FU-ribes return to Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park on Monday April 11th 2011.  It’ll be the 10th game of the season.  This should be a Barry Zito start, but the $126 million dollar singer/songwriter will probably fall into the 2 or 4 spot in the rotation.  For this hypothetical, Madison Bumgarner gets the start.

 

Uribe is in the six hole in Donny Baseball’s lineup.

 

Top 2nd, nobody on, one out:

 

Renel Brooks-Moon: Now batting #5, 2nd baseman, Juan Uu-ribe.

(It is painfully obvious that Renel wants to belt out the UUUUUU as she has done the past two seasons, but her heart will not allow her to justify an enthusiastic announcement of a Bum.  The announcement is understated and subdued.)

 

 


renel.jpg 

 

I am in attendance and stand up from my seat.  I want to pay my respects (with a golf clap) to a man who gave the fans many thrilling moments the past couple seasons.

 

I am about to clap when the inebriated man next to me (I am also in such a state) starts to join in an all too familiar chant:

 

UUUUUUUU-RRIIIBBEE!!!!

 

…but it is not, it is what we all expected.

 

BoOoooOOoooooO-RRRIIIBBBEEEE!!!

 

Before I start to clap, I join the mob.

 

BoOoooOOoooooO-RRRIIIBBBEEEE!!!

 

BoOoooOOoooooO-RRRIIIBBBEEEE!!!

 

Now I am getting into it, alcohol and adrenaline seem to be a good combination (I think I finally get UFC fans).

 

FFFFFF-UUUUUUUU-RRRRIIIBEE.

 

Mother sitting behind me: “My children are here. Watch your mouth.”

 

SLY: “They need to learn hate at an early age.” (Obviously not ready to be a Parent)

 

Madison gets BoOOo-Ribe to pop up on the first pitch (he was a lot of excited).

 

…Roar from 41,952.

 

Top of the 5th, 1 out, runner on first: 2-0 Good Guys.

 

Renel sounded less enthused with her second announcement of Uribe.  She understands he’s gone for good. 

 

BooOooOOooOOoo-Ribe chants are deafening. 

 

On a 2-1 count BoOoooO-Ribe hits a ground ball to his replacement Miguel Tejada.  Tejada underhands to Freddy Sanchez at second for the force out and Sanchez throws a strike to Aubrey Huff at 1st to complete the double play. 

 

…Roar from 41,952.

 

Tejada and Uribe each have a GIDP to end an inning. 

 

Top of the 8th, 2 out, runners on 1st and 2nd:  The score is still 2-0 Good Guys.

 

Renel announces JUUAAAN with high energy as she was accustomed too with a big at bat, she quickly realizes it is for the wrong team and tails off on the Uribe.  Renel sighs in disgust.

 

BoOoOooOOOOoooO-Ribe chants continue.

 

Boch’s bowed legs take him 21 seconds to make it from the front step of the dugout to the mound to remove Bumgarner after 7 2/3 innings of shut out ball. 

 

Sergio Romo takes the ball.

 

1st pitch: Fast ball, fouled straight back.

 

2nd pitch: Slider, wild swing and a miss.

 

3rd pitch: Fastball inside, get Uribe off the plate.

 

4th pitch: Slider… hanging slider.  Uribe Swings…

 

 


BOOOribe.jpg 

I used to love this sight, no more.

 

 

All I see is the white palms of Uribe’s batting gloves.

 

 

 

swearing.jpg

SLY: “Mother F#4%ing Son of a B#$h!”

 

Mother: “Dead beat Son of a rats Fu*&$ing puke” 

 

(Looks of horror from her children)

 

41,952 BOOOOOOOOOOOOOS shower Juan as he circles the bases.

 

3-2 for the Bad Guys.

 

Donny Baseball goes Jonathan Broxton for the save. Donny remembers the proper rules about visiting the mound this game. 

 

Broxton gets to blow the game all on his own.

 

Freddy Sanchez does a flip job over Uribe’s head for a single.

 

Buster Posey (hitting 3rd) takes a walk.

 

Aubrey Huff hits a ball into triples alley.  There is no throw.  Posey scores standing.

 

Good Guys win 4-2.

 

Suck it Bums.

 

I stumble my way over to 21st Amendment where KJ and I discuss Juan Uribe as a Dodger.  After 5 Brew-Free-Or-Die IPA’s I finally get it:

 

SLY: “I got it.”

 

KJ: “What do you got?”

 

SLY: “I understand why Juan left us?”

 

KJ: “Why did he?”

 

SLY: “He has to feed his children.”

 

KJ: “$3 Million wouldn’t feed his children?  That’s a lot of money”

 

SLY: “$3 Million is a lot to you or me, but to a professional athlete it is not.  As we learned from Patrick Ewing, athletes make a lot of money, but they spend a lot of money.”

 

KJ: “HotLanta Gentlemen Clubs.”

 

SLY: “Now you understand. He needs that extra money.  I’ll break it down for you.  Juan signed a 3 year deal.  That means at least 3 trips to Atlanta over the next 3 years.  That’s 3 opportunities to get himself in trouble at the Gentleman Clubs.  I heard a stat on a blog where 1 out of every 3 trips to an Atlanta Gentlemen Club results in a lawsuit of some kind.  He really is just protecting himself.”

 

KJ: “Makes sense to me, if you read it on a blog, it must be true.”

 

SLY: “Words don’t lie.”

 

 

I am certain this is the exact way April 11th, 2011 will play out.

 

Dodger fans, be warned.

 

You are bringing in a person who assaults Dodger fans. 

 

He will hit you in the head with a baseball when you are not looking.

 

Watch the Slow-Mo.

 

Awesome. J

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Playoff Beards and RE-CON Missions

Top of the 1st, 2 outs, Denorfia on 2nd base, Adrian Gonzalez at the plate:

 

SLY: “Pitch around A-Gon, don’t let this dude beeee, EFFFFFFFF, OH GOD!!!  Thank you God, Thank you.”

 

Gonzalez hit a line drive directly at Juan Uribe to end the inning.

 

KJ: “Dude, you need to relax.”

 

SLY: “I am relaxed! I am fine.”

 

 

nervous.png

I was not, fine.  I was a nervous wreck.  I screamed, moaned, cheered, and acted as the game meant more to the world than peace in the Middle East.

 

I was calm before the game.  KJ and I had a conversation while the 49ers fumbled (Two words Nate, Ball-Security) their game away about how we were confident in a Gigantes victory. 

 

C-Lew alerted that he would grace us with his presence for the game.

 

 


CLew%20Loverboy.jpg(Remember C-Lew?  Here is a picture to jog the memory)

 

C-Lew’s impending arrival gave us a chance to plan an “Icing” (Please refer to previous post if you do not understand the term).

 

I placed a warm Smirnoff Ice on the welcome mat outside the front door.  The sun light added a few tasty degrees to delicious beverage.

 

Game time.

 

It was obvious I was a nervous wreck.  KJ threw me a Silver Bullet to relax. 

 

Bottom One.

 

Andy Torres got the screw job from Mike Everitt on a ball down the left field line.  The replays showed chalk in the air.

 

I decided to Hoot & Holler.

 

“HEY MIKEY, ONE MORE EYE AND YOU’D BE A CYCLOPES.”

 

 

cyclopes.gif

 

The call cost us a run, thanks Mike.  Eff you.  I will forever hate your stinkin’ guts.

 

I have issues.

 

C-Lew showed up in the 2nd.  KJ and I awaited the icing.

It didn’t happen.  C-Lew came in through the slider.

 

Gosh-dang it.

 

C-Lew did bring beer.  Good Man.

 

All was not lost in the icing department.  I had a plan to ice KJ after los Gigantes won the west. 

 

I audibled to C-Lew.

 

I alerted KJ to the audible (I did not tell him the ice was meant for him, but I am sure he knew).  The Ice was placed in front of a bottle of tequila, when C-Lew fetched another round of beers I would ask him to pour up a round of shots.  Icing complete.

 

Bottom 3:

 

Mat Latos threw a pitch into the one zone that Dirty Sanchee’s swing path crosses.

 

Stand-up triple.

 

Un-freakin-believable.

 

Torres could not come through.  With 2 outs, Fred Sanchee could. 

 

1-0 Gigantes.  High fives, fist pounds, and other male cheering riturals were liberally given to one another.

 

Aubrey Efffing Huff hits the big double to make it 2-0.

 

C-Lew heads to the fridge for a fresh cold one.

 

SLY: “Pour up three rally shots.”

 

C-Lew: “Where at?”

 

SLY: “In the cabinet above the bar.”

 

C-Lew opened the cabinet.

 

C-Lew: “What the hell is this?” (Referring to the Smirnoff Ice.)

 

KJ: “HAHAHAHAHAHA, you just got ICED bro.”

 

C-Lew: “Whhhhhaaaat?”

 

KJ: “It is a game, where participation is mandatory.”

 

C-Lew: “What do I have to do?”

 

icy.jpg

KJ: “Get down on one knee, and do not get up until it is finished.”

 

C-Lew: “Can I get a cold one?”

 

KJ: “No, it has to be warm.  It is in the rules.”

 

C-Lew got on one knee and pounded it like a champ.

 

C-Lew: “You guys still want the shot?”

 

KJ and SLY: “That’s a silly question.”

 

Sanchez battled through 5+ and gave way to the bullpen.

 

The bullpen has been lights out.

 

Zeros ensued.

 

Buster Posey locked up the ROY with a solo bomb in the 8th.  He doesn’t have the curtain call thing mastered yet.  He will have time to learn.

 

On comes B-Weezy.  Easy 1-2-3. 


2010 nl west champs.jpg 

 

Celebration time.

 

More enthusiastic male celebratory rituals commenced.

 

Our celebration continued to the backyard.  Beers were cracked and happy f-bombs were liberally spewed for the entire neighborhood to enjoy.

 

I hope children were not within earshot. 

 

 

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EAR MUFFS KIDS!

 

We watched the post game celebration, highlighted by Timmy dropping a massive F-Bomb in his interview with AmyG. 

 

f-bomb.jpg

Best piece AmyG has ever been apart of. 

 

Goodness, I appreciate this postseason birth more than the previous ones in my lifetime.

 

Los Gigantes re-built their team in year 3AB (After Barry). 

 

There are zero everday players from the 2007 lineup to the 2010 lineup.

 

I love pitching.

 

We came down from our high and cleaned up to go a concert.  My friend (Steve) recently was signed by a record label and had one his first shows with his new band (Dazeafter). 

 

 

SteveRobb.jpg

Steven Robb of Dazeafter

 

I wanted to show my support and check out the band.

 

C-Lew had another agenda.

 

RE-CON MISSION.

 

C-Lew is a man of the law.  He saw a group of people who are not law abiding citizens and wanted to do work.

 

There was a strong presence of H.A.’s at the concert venue.  C-Lew called his co-worker who worked in the gang unit and alerted him of the situation. 

 

 

 

gangland.jpg

 

C-Lew got the green light to snap some pictures of the H.A.’s at the show.  He got advice: be careful.

 

C-Lew brought us into the fold.  He took out his phone and asked us if we could hear the shutter of the camera.

 

KJ: “Yes, don’t get us killed.”

 

C-Lew set his camera settings to silent and went on his mission.

 

Alcohol is an invincibility cloak.

 

C-Lew is a professional; he was not noticed and did his job well.

 

He wanted to talk to the local police at the show, he asked us for some advice first.

 

C-Lew: “Do I sound too intoxicated?”

 

SLY: “You’re good.  Just slow down your speech pattern and enunciate every syllable.”

 

…….says the guy who stumbles over his own words stone sober.

 

C-Lew approached Lodi’s finest; he must have talked too fast and not enunciated very well.  He was back within a minute.

 

We made our way into the theater.  Dazeafter came on, Steve sounded great, and the band played tight.  Dazeafter is going on tour with Sevendust in February.  Check them out at www.dazeafter.com.

 

Great job Steve.

 

We made it home without further incident, I would like to praise Jesus Christo.

Back to los Gigantes, I am fortunate enough to have tickets for all los Gigantes home playoff games.

 

Thank you Brad.  Who do I have to kill for you?

 

You think I am joking.

 

To help los Gigantes on their quest for a World Series title, I am growing a playoff beard, which I will dye jet black with Just for Men in homage to los Gigantes bullpen.

 

The last time I really went for the playoff beard was 2008 for the San Jose Sharks.  I was in college and I thought it looked fantastic.  One of my professors called me aside after class.

 

Professor (Woman): “Shaun, you are a good looking kid, but you look horrible.  Why are you growing that thing?”

 

SLY: “It’s a playoff beard, for the Sharks.”

 

Professor: “Girls are not going to find you attractive, shave it off.”

 

I trimmed it when I got home.

 

My facial hair is two years more mature, the patchiness has improved.

 

I am going for it.  It will be hideous, and I will love it.

 

It may be my permanent look if los Gigantes win it all.

 

Ill be debuting the new look at Pete’s before Game one.

 

Happy Playoffs.

Hello Postseason, May I come in?

Knock. Knock.

 

Who’s there?

 

The Postseason.

 

Who, what, come again?

 

The Postseason, I understand we haven’t seen each other in quite some time.

 

It’s been 7 years.  I didn’t think I would ever see you again.  Champagne to celebrate?

 

 

2003 was the last time los Gigantes made a postseason appearance. 

 

Flashback to 2003:

 

I was a 20 year old college baseball player, unable to legally purchase alcohol, gamble, or rent a car. 

 

2003 was also the year I got kicked out of Pac Bell Park when I interfered and “ruined baseball.” 

 

Skip (Head Baseball Coach at Napa Valley College) gave RT and I his front row bleacher seats over the Yahoo! sign.  The game was 8-1 (Marlins lead) in the bottom of the 7th.  Jeffery Hammonds (who was playing for Barry Lamar) hit a ball deep to left-center field.  The ball was coming straight for us.  It became apparent the ball was going to be a little short (Guess he was the only Gigante not taking advantage of BALCO).  I reached over the fence, and stretched, and then stretched some more.  My torso was completely over the fence with my arm outstretched as far as possible.  The ball hit the edge of the webbing of my PRO-ALMC model SSK and fell down to the warning track.


balco.jpg


If Jeffery looked like this, I would have caught the ball and not been humiliated.  


I lifted my torso back up, and was immediately booed by 40,000 Gigantes fans.  The intoxicated bleacher bum in the row behind us began pounding his fist into my back and screamed:

 

IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!!”

 

SLY: “It’s an 8-1 game, it was going to be a double anyways!”

 

IBB: “You ruined baseball!  You ruined baseball!”

 

An Usher quickly came to escort me (RT came too) out of the ballpark for “ruining baseball”.  As I was being escorted out, 40,000 people began to cheer. 

 

I was being cheered, to leave.  Humiliating. 

 

As I took one look back to the field where I was being banished from, the young leftfielder of the Marlins, Miguel Cabrera gave me an appreciative thumbs up. 

 

You’re welcome Miguel.

 

The worst part wasn’t over.

 

My phone started to ring, and ring, and ring some more.

 

Dad: “What the hell were you doing?  Kruk circled, and then eliminated you.”


w-krukow + kuiper.jpg

 

I had this same call throughout the rest of the day.

 

I was on SportsCenter for the 2nd time (I have now been on 3 times, the third time was almost as embarrassing, another day another blog).

 

The cherry on top- The next day (Monday) I went to the cafeteria to get some lunch before baseball practice.  As I was purchasing my meal the lunch lady looked at me and said:

 

“If you are going to go over the fence, catch it, MEAT.”

 

I have not brought my glove to a professional ballgame since.

 

To end the 2003 flashback, the Marlins beat los Gigantes in the NLDS and went on to win the World Series.

 

The Marlins have been in the postseason twice (both Wild Cards) in their 17 year existence, have beaten los Gigantes in the NLDS both times, and went on to win the World Series both times.

 

Symmetry is disgusting.

 

Flash forward back to 2010.  Los Gigantes are one Dub-Ya away from poppin’ some bubbly. 

 

Asta La Bye-Bye Fathers.

 

Mad-Bum fought though his start for his first W at Pac-Bell/SBC/AT&T Park on Thursday. 

 

Los Gigantes again scored all of their runs off Jimmy Jacks.  It is as exciting as it is flawed.

 

…I really want to get back to Wednesday.

 

Los Gigantes and I had great days.

 

I was unable to watch the game, as KJ, RT, LJ, and I had tickets to watch the Black Keys perform at the Fox Theater.


Pat the Bat hit the 3-run Jimmy Jack during the opening act (The Black Seeds, solid act).  After the first 2 innings Timmy was in full control, we felt like the game was over.  It was. 

 

3-1 Gigantes. 

 

The Black Keys came to the stage.

 

Holy Smokes (Too bad Timmy couldn’t join in the fun).  

Timmy Smoke.jpg



I got ear EFFF’d by the Black Keys and loved every second of it.

 

As I enjoyed the love being made to my ears, I was able to draw one comparison between The Black Keys and los Gigantes.

 

Both played as a team with unparalleled confidence.

 

Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney are a team, a great team, and they get each other.  They diverge and extend their tracks when they see fit.  As a spectator, you can see them (Dan to Patrick) making eye contact, an unspoken sign that signifies where they will go next.

 

Los Gigantes are playing their best and most confident baseball of the year.  The 2010 version of los Gigantes has to be one of the best chemistry teams in San Francisco history.

 

KJ, RT, LJ, and I all left the Fox Theater in a state of nirvana. 

 

We were really hungry for some reason.

 

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In N Out to the rescue.

 

 

POSTSEASON ROSTER DEBATE

 

As KJ and I were sitting on the couch during Thursday’s game, we started talking about the postseason roster and who would fill it out.

 

I asked him and RT to e-mail me their 25 man rosters.  I wanted to see how our rosters stacked up to Boch’s.

 

KJ and RT’s Roster were identical.  I truly think this is the 25 man roster Bochy will run with.  RT also added that he would add Chris Ray and sub Renteria in the 2nd round.  If los Gigantes are fortunate enough get to the 2nd round, where I expect them to face the Fight’n Phils, I would like to see another lefty in the pen.

 

Pitchers

 

Lincecum

Cain

Sanchez

Bumgarner

Zito

Wilson

Romo

Lopez

Ramirez

Casilla

Affeldt

 

INF

 

Posey

Huff

Sanchez

Sandoval

Uribe

Fontenot

Renteria

Ishikawa

Whiteside

 

OF

Guillen

Torres

Burrell

Ross

Schierholtz

 

I want to know one item before I make my final decision.  Does Bochy plan on starting Zito in a playoff series?

 

If Bochy plans on starting Zito, than this is the roster I would run with.

 

If Bochy does not plan on starting Zito, there is no use for him on this roster.  He cannot come out of the bullpen.  It takes him 50-75 throws to get loose.  I am sure most would agree that Zito is the weak link of our starters. 

 

If Zito is not used at as a starter, I would add Dan Runzler to the 25 man roster.  Lefty Power arms are scarce; los Gigantes already have one with Jeremy Affeldt, two would be deadly late in games (Phillies anyone?).

 

By the way, it looks like Jeremy joined the “Just for Men” beard team as well.

 

It would also be humorous to have $30 million dollars left off the postseason roster (Zito and Rowand).

 

Bochy will probably name Zito the 2 or 3 starter, citing his experience and MadBum will take the roster spot where I would place Runzler.

 

We will find out by Tuesday.

 

The postseason door is open, los Gigantes just have to walk through.

 

I can almost taste the cheap champagne and beer.

 

 

 

Death Threats and Missing Andy

I received threats on my life from a customer at work tonight.  The threats were valid enough that the police had to be informed, yet this is not what is on my mind. 

 

What is?

 

Los Gigantes lack of offense.  It is disturbing, frustrating, and irritating.

 

My in-game BBM (Blackberry Messenger) chat with KJ and RT was negative.  We all Negative Nates.  Nobody liked Nate Schieroltz pinch hitting for Timmy in the 5th (it smelt of desperation but the bullpen made the move work).  Pablo and Juan’s at bats were absolute garbage. 

 

I have decided that Pablo and Juan (I still love Juan) must believe they are playing cricket.

 

 

CricketBattingTime.jpg

Pablo gets these crazy eyes with men on base.

 

They have to protect the ball from hitting the three sticks behind them.  This is the only way I can rationalize why they continue to swing at balls in the dirt.  

 

We all agreed on one thing, we miss Andres Vungo Torres.

 

How important is Andy?  His absence proves his worth.  He might be our MVP.  Screw it, he is our MVP.  He is the glue that holds the team together.  Without Andy our corner outfield defense is exposed for what it is (two slow DH guys), and our lineup has been held together by duct tape. 

 


duct_tape.jpg 

 

This may be the first time in the existence of duct tape that it has not been able to hold something together.

 

Get well soon Andy.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

 

KJ (who is always the optimist) penned a short note to Los Gigantes.

 

Dear Giants,

 

Do you realize you’re in a pennant race?  I know Andy is out of the lineup and he is the spark plug, but in the meantime, score some f”ing runs.

 

Sincerely,

 

Kenneth Lawrence Jones

 

Los Gigantes may want to give KJ a call; his 9 taters lead the San Jose NABA this season. 

 

Los Gigantes are now 7-2 all-time wearing their Gigantes uniforms.  Their only two losses have both come against the Brewers.  The Brewers were wearing their Cerveceros uniforms on both occasions.  

 


cerveceros.jpg 

KJ, RT, and I were at this game.  The last time los Cerveceros beat los Gigantes. 6/29/09. 

 

I need to find out what the Brewers all-time record is with their Cerveceros uniforms.  If it is good, and my empirical evidence with los Gigantes shows they are undefeated, I need to exploit this. 

 

I have a plan, a plan to have los Cerveceros help los Gigantes.

 

I will go to Milwaukee and become their equipment manager.  I will then control which uniforms are worn on each day.  Los Cerveceros will uniforms will come out against NL West contenders and other teams which stand in the way of los Gigantes reaching the playoffs. 

 

The Brewers will never wear los Cerveceros uniforms against los Gigantes ever again. 

 

This needs to happen.

 

I’ll be sending my resume to the Milwaukee Brewers in the upcoming weeks.

 

First pitch is in less than 10 hours.  Barry Zito will try to derail the sweep.  I have Sunday off.  I will participate in the Barry Zito Drinking Game.

 

The BZDG has to be safer than work.

 

 

 

 

Hello 1st Place and Just For Men Fun

Hello 1st place.  Long time no see.  I like the way you smell, taste, and feel.  Mind if I stay here through the first week of October?  I promise to behave if we can get rid of the roommate by the end of the weekend.

 

The roommate could be gone by tomorrow.

 

What a wild past two weeks.  I love this crazy game that consumes my life.

 

Jonathan Sanchez was wildly effectively wild.  He sported another head scratching line of 5.0in 1h 7bb and 4k in los Gigantes 1-0 victory.  This is who he is.  He has a fastball that is tough to square up and a release point that is equally challenging for him to replicate.

 

The only run seemed fitting from the team that leads the NL in grounding into double plays.  Juan Uribe beat out a potential double play ball with runners at the corners, however he got some help.  Nate Schierholtz did a great job getting to David Eckstein as he attempted to turn the double play.  Eckstein was unable to get much on the throw. 

 

Schierholtz hasn’t started since June but he has had a direct impact in 2 of the 4 victories for los Gigantes this week, as Kruk would say, “Atta babe.”

 

B-Weezy shut the door with a 5 out save to seal the W.  My friends and I noticed something odd about Wilson, which isn’t odd, since he is such an odd fellow.  

 

His beard is weird.  It is jet black.  His beard naturally has slight ginger tones.  Yes, I notice such details.  I think B-Weezy is trying to push an angle to get into a “Just for Men” ad campaign.  Tell me I am wrong.  I want to see B-Weezy re-create the classic JFM ad where a man with a grayish beard attempts to talk to “Ms. Hottie” and gets shut down and Walt Frazier and Keith Hernandez say in unison “No play for Mr. Grey.” Cut to B-Weezy brushing in his JFM in the bar bathroom (The towel guy in bar bathrooms who makes you feel uncomfortable by making you feel obligated to tip him for handing you a towel should carry JFM for such occasions.) and after it sets in five minutes later B-Weezy returns to the bar.  “Ms. Hottie” is now immediately more attracted to the newly darkened beard of B-Weezy (who needs P90X?) and goes head first in for a “Smush” (Sorry, Jersey Shore term.  Is that how it is used?).  Instead of Walt and Keith yelling “Home Run” because B-Weezy wouldn’t appreciate the usage, they will both yell…”Nice Save!”

 

This needs to happen.

 

When it does, I want royalties for all boxes of JFM sold with B-Weezy’s mug printed on them.


just-for-men-gel-for-moustache-beard-&-sideburns-ash-brown.jpg

I know B-Weezy could out sell this goof ball.


I am getting up in 2 hours to board a flight to Seattle to watch the Niners opener on Sunday.  I need to be at a bar in Seattle in 11 hours and 50 minutes to watch los Gigantes led by Madison take sole possession of 1st place.  I am going on 5 hours of sleep in 2 days. 

starbucks cartoon.jpg


I hear there are a few Starbucks in Seattle.  I will be the guy who keeps his cup for the free refill by 2pm.

 

Gigantes, Tequila, and Bears… OH MY!

I envy Bears.

Bears have no idea what it is like to live without baseball. 

Actually, I think Bears have it all figured out.

I can say for certain, The G.O.B (Government of Bears) came together and decided to do the whole hibernation thing because of the pain that November through February causes. 

 


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No Baseball equals incredible amounts of pain and boredom.  Sleeping through those horrible months is such an amazing idea, I think I may try it this year.

I would have to put on a good amount of weight in preparation for the hibernation.  I don’t know if I am ready to add the necessary weight, as I would still like females to find me attractive.


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 I have added up all the pros and cons for myself hibernating.

The result:

I want tooooooooooooo freaking hibernate.  I won’t mind being obese for the month before my hibernation.  All I will do during the month before hibernation will be eating and watching postseason baseball. 

 


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I won’t even have time for females, so I could care less if they find me unattractive.  Plus, when I wake up, everyone will comment on my weight loss and how great I look.

Damn, this is a good idea.  I will sleep through baseballessness and wake up more attractive to the opposite sex.

I might be able to sell this idea during an infomercial.   Damn, I wish Billy Mays was still alive.  I know he could sell this idea.

 


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“Hi, Billy Mays here for….HybernationSensation.”

“HibernationSensation is the perfect plan for the boredom months.  You will never have to live without baseball and as an added bonus, you wake up in time to get your March Madness brackets in order. ”

Good for you, Bears.

It has been Ten days since the last Gigantes game.  I am already having withdrawals.  In the last ten days I have given a lot of thought to the season.

I want to break down the player’s seasons in a way that I can relate to.

If the players were Tequila’s, what kind of tequila would they be?

Yes, I am making Player/Tequila comparisons.


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Patron (Silver):  Over rated, overpriced, but has a great marketing campaign.  It needs to be chilled to be somewhat enjoyable.

1. Aaron Rowand:

Rowand is a gamer, and I loved his commercials this year, but EWWW. He got paid $9.6 Million to put up a line of .261/15/64 with an OPS of .738. 

2.  Barry Zito:

2009 was his best year as a Gigante.  He went 10-13 with a 4.03 ERA and a whip of 1.35.  I would love these numbers from a number 3 or 4 starter.  Oh boy, I don’t want to mention his contract. It is not his fault Los Gigantes paid him buckets and buckets of Gold.  Damn you Scott Boras and your Player Profile Packets with projected HOF stats and projected player revenue streams.  Damn you (Scott) are good.  I wish I could be like you.

3.  Randy Winn:

No comment.  I don’t want to throw up the delicious dinner I ate an hour ago.

4.  Edgar Renteria:

 Edgar, Thank you for giving me the “I think something good happened” moment.  That was by far, my favorite moment of the year.  I will never forget the pure joy I experienced in the car with KJ on the way home from San Diego.  Unfortunately, that moment was your only moment. 

Don Julio (Silver): moderately priced, smooth, and available at most locations.  Best served chilled.

1. Matt Cain:

Matt went 14-8 with a 2.88 ERA.  Matt tailed off the last two months but the season as a whole was great.  I expect nothing less next year.

2.  Brian Wilson:

Brian followed up an All-Star year with a superior year in 2009.  His “Life of Brian” TV show was also a house favorite of KJ and mine.

3.  Bengie Molina:

Bengie was miscast as a cleanup hitter.  This was not his fault.  He still produced 20 bombs and 80 RBI.  This would be great production if it was from a 6 or 7 hitter, which is where Big Money should be sitting in any adequate lineup.  I wouldn’t mind him back for one more year while Buster (Posey) seasons.

Partida (Silver): You’ve heard about it, and it is as good as advertised.  It is worth it at almost any price.

1. Tim Lincecum:

The Freak backed up his Cy Young season with arguably a better all around season.  LincccceeeeCUM…LinnnncceeeeeCCCUUUUMMM!

2. Pablo Sandoval:

Kung Fu Panda sported a .330/25/90 with .943 OPS.  Booo yea son.  Pandas can flat rake.  I love that Pablo is short, fat, swings at everything, and squares everything up.  God, I love Pablo Sandoval. He is my favorite position player in MLB.

3. Jeremy Affeldt:

Affeldt was easily the best signing of the off season.  He posted a 1.73 ERA while getting the ball to Wilson in the 9th.  He had a 3 month stretch where he was not human.  He was the anchor of the bullpen.

El Tesoro de Don Felipe (Anejo): Someone has to tell you about it and once they do you are an instant fan.

1. Andres Torres:

In spring training I watched Torres and thought he could be the future in CF.  We looked him up on our phone and found out he was a 31 year old journeyman.  All he did was post a .876 OPS and started meaningful games in September over Aaron Rowand.  I loved his energy and enthusiasm all year.  He has a chance to get a lot more meaningful at bats in 2010.

2.  Juan Uribe:

By far, Uribe was my biggest surprise of the year.  Uribe was the most dangerous hitter on Los Gigantes in September.  I hope he is retained next year.  Thank you for the OOOOOOOOOUUU-REEBAAAAY chant this year.  I felt like I was seven years old every time I heard and participated in it.

3.  Dan Runzler:

I think I have a man crush on him, nuff said.

4. Randy Johnson:

Anybody who tears their rotator cuff and comes back when he has nothing to prove is good in my book.  Randy looked funny in the Orange and Black but it was cool to say, “We got Tim Lincecum, Randy Johnson, and Matt Cain going in this series”.

Jose Cuervo Gold: The name brings flashbacks of chugging tequila from the bottle and then being THE King of the Porcelain Throne for the night.

1. Fred Lewis:

I don’t want to say what I think about F.Lew.  I’ll let him.  This is from the horse’s mouth.

“When I was young, I wanted to be a legendary ballplayer.  Look at me now.”

Yes, legend, in your own mind.  Please go away.

2.  Bob Howry:

His overall numbers were actually quite good.  But it seems like his ERA was 65.82 and he gave up 983 Home runs this year.  I am sorry, I am being a fanatical.

3. Travis Ishikawa:

He was handed the keys to the First base job, and handed them back.  He was the ultimate Jekyll and Hyde with the bat at home and on the road.

Home .349/7/28 with a .935 OPS

Road .162/2/11 with a .471 OPS.

What was the deal?

ISA (Silver):   There is hype, we will have to wait to see how good it is until the finished product comes out.

1. Madison Bumgarner:

I stated my expectations for Madison in an earlier entry.  Go back and read it.

2. Buster Posey:

Expectations: The batting average of Ty Cobb, the power of Barry Lamar (enhanced version 2.5), and the good will of Jesus.  Yep, that sounds about right. 

 

 

Wow, I am thirsty.

Anyone want a drink?

…..and I am serious about the Hibernation idea.

This is perfect.


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Life in an Alternate Universe

I hope everyone watched or listened to yesterday’s game.  

Lincecum was amazing.  

When did the umpires start wearing (Dodger) blue?  There were three horrendous calls.  The game never should have went to extra frames.  I hope the adversity of the Dodger series will bring the team closer together.

Thank you Guillermo Mota for throwing Mr. Uribe (After a walk-off I have to pay my respects with the Mr.) an 0-2 fastball after Mr. Uribe looked horrible on the first two sliders.

This win felt much larger than the one win it represented in the standings.  What a great way to board a flight to New York.

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Ok, off to my alternate universe.

I got back from the gym last night feeling extremely chipper.  The encore presentation (already called “an instant classic”) of the game was being shown at the gym.  My friend, his girlfriend, and I had a conversation of what Los Gigantes players would be if they were not pro ball players.

Here is life for Los Gigantes roster in our alternate universe. 

Starting Pichers

 

#55 Tim Lincecum

Hot Topic employee or ticket taker at a movie theater.

Timmy has the look for both jobs. 

Tim’s long black hair, bracelets, and the beanie he wears every second off the baseball field would be a perfect fit for the emo cliental at Hot Topic.

I swear Timmy takes my tickets at the Movie Theater I patronize.

 

#18 Matt Cain

Farmer

Cain is home grown and corn fed.  He has the size, strength, and patience (he did not seem to get frustrated with the lack of run support the previous two seasons) to be an excellent farmer.

 

#75 Barry Zito

Singer/Songwriter

Zito is ultra famous because of lyrics like:

Like I slept with your mother

Don’t judge me, cause

I could be your brother and

we could be a family

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Thanks for that Barry. Classic.

 #57 Jonathan Sanchez 

Rum Distiller

Sanchez is from the land of Rum (Puerto Rico).  It is no surprise he started making the stuff.  The quality of his product is inconsistent, but his buyers keep buying in hope he will replicate his flashes of brilliance.

 

#51 Randy Johnson

Surgeon

Johnson is old, has the red a$s, and has been under the knife.  Johnson has carved up hitters for about 20 years.  He would do the same on humans.

 

 Relievers

#38 Brian Wilson

Professional Wrestler

Brian, a failed actor went to professional wrestling after being discovered by a WWE talent scout during a P90X infomercial. His stage name became a combination of his real life nickname (B-Weezy) and a tribute to his faith (Jesus). He became known as B-Jeezy.

 

#54 Sergio Romo

bmays.jpgProfessional Pitch Man

 

 

 

Romo inspired by the late Billy Mays would become the most successful Latino Pitch Man in the history of the universe. Oxy Limpio, his clear, crisp, booming voice, jet black goatee, and white teeth would help carry him to the top of the Latin Pitch Man profession.

 

 

 

#41 Jeremy Affeldt

Cyber Sex Crime Detective

Affeldt is a Detective prowling the world wide web for cyber sex crime violators.  He poses as a 15 year old blond female with the screen name HotELuvsRelief41 to reel in the predators. 

 

#52 Brandon Medders

Electrician

After failing his way through High School, Brandon enrolled in a trade school and became an average electrician.  He is signed up with local union #520 

#45 Travis Miller

Tattoo Artist

The most tattoo’d man in Baseball history is a tattoo artist.  I am not sure if he is much of an artist, or if he has a steady hand.  Any takers?

 

#46 Bob Howry

Leader of  The Mormon Church

Howry is the leader of The Mormon Church.  He would become more powerful than Joseph Smith.  Somehow people have unwavering faith in Howry, and he looks the part.

 


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Joseph Smith- WoW. 

 

#47 Merkin Valdez

Ice Cream Man

Valdez’s big wide smile brings kids to his ice cream truck.  He makes a nice living.

 

#49 Joe Martinez

Organized Crime

The clean cut and good looking Martinez has a nice career in organized crime.  He’s from Jersey, so he’s got connections.  We know he can take a big punch and has no problem coming back for more.

 

Position Players

 

#1 Bengie Molina 

Coyote

Molina along with his partner Andres Torres are a great team in the Coyote business.  Molina has great navigation skills.  Although he is not fleet of foot, he gets the job done.

 

#22 Eli Whiteside

Just For Men Cover boy

Mr. Whiteside is a cover boy for  the “Just for Men” hair coloring product.  Whiteside would be in the same class as other JFM legends; Walt Frazier, Emmett Smith, and Keith Hernandez. 

Whiteside has climbed to Jared of Subway fame.

 

#10 Travis Ishikawa

Sushi Chef/Entertainer

Ishikawa is a world renown sushi chef and  “House of Genji” entertainer.  The Japanese side of him came out.  However, he is timid with  knifes, which led to “House of Genji” finding a replacement 60% through the busy dining season.

 

#23 Ryan Garko

Barry Zito Impersonator

Despite having a much different build, Garko has an solid career as an Impersonator for ultra-famous singer/songwriter Barry Zito.  Garko started in small towns such as Cleveland and packed his bags for the bright lights of Las Vegas where he was expect to make a huge impact in the impersonation field but has done little to influence his profession.  


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 “Like I slept with your mother, don’t judge me, cause I could be your brother, and we could be a family.”

 

#35 Rich Aurilia

Baseball Coach

Aurilia is an excellent  baseball coach.  He loves to hang around the game and this profession provides a great option.  HHIIINNNTTTTT!

 

#21 Freddy Sanchez

Substitute Teacher

Sanchez is a substitute teacher who did an excellent job and later became full time.  He became tenured! 

 

#16 Edgar Renteria

Colombian Drug Lord

Cocaine is the Country’s business.  It is what came natural to him. 

 

#5 Juan Uribe

Circus Clown

Uribe has a nice career in the Ringling Bros Family Circus.  He looks, acts, talks, and walks funny. He makes people smile and laugh.  He loves his career. 

 

#48 Pablo Sandoval

Pablo Sandoval could only be one thing.

A professional baseball player.  The Panda was born to play this game. Sandoval doing anything else would make me vomit.

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#8 Eugenio Velez

Cab Driver

Velez has lots of experience on buses, so he knows where he is going. I also call Velez the Eritrean Cab Driver for a reason. Use your eyes.

 

#20 John Bowker

Abercrombie and Fitch Model

Bowker is a model for Abercrombie and Fitch. He has one problem,  he looks better on paper than in person.  Which has stalled a once promising career.

 

#2 Randy Winn

College Professor

Winn teaches multiple subjects as he was never great in one, but good in many.

 

#33 Aaron Rowand

Construction Worker

Rowand is a blue-collar American worker.  He builds over-priced houses for over-paid professional athletes. 

 I think he owns one of those houses in our universe.

 

#12 Nate Schierholtz

Hair Club for Men Spokesman

Pre-maturely balding Schierholtz got hooked up with the Hair Club for Men group.  HCFM made such an astounding difference that Schierholtz became the lead before/after shot in all the HCFM infomercials.

#59 Andres Torres

Coyote

Torres and partner Bengie Molina are a great team in the coyote business.  Torres is fleet of foot and runs ahead of the herd to look for would-be obstacles while on the quest to cross the border. 

 

#14 Fred Lewis

 High School Gym Teacher

Lewis reminisces about his glory days in High School while teaching. 

He tells the students,

“F.Lew is a legendary ball player”.

 

 

God help the children of tomorrow.