Tagged: Eritrean Cab Driver

Offensive Offense

I am not easily offended, but I have been recently with Los Gigantes offense.  Los Gigantes were about 2-38 (Los Gigantes had a  1-31 going before Andres Torres came through with a RBI single on Saturday night!!) with RISP the past week which has led to a total of 10 runs in 6 games, a mighty average of 1.6 runs per contest.

 


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Don’t be offended, this picture only represents how dirty Jonathan Sanchez has been thus far.

 

The week was salvaged (Los Gigantes went 2-4) by sensational pitching performances (Dirty Sanchez), excluding Todd Wellemeyer (However, it was Wellemyer’s best of his three starts this season: 4IN 2ER 3H 4BB 3SO.  What happened to his excellent control during Spring Training?).

 

 

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I think Mr. Wellemeyer hit his wall even earlier than I anticipated. 

 

 

Who’s to blame for the offensive offense?

 

I will start with KJ.  I thought I was a jinx when I attended Los Gigantes first defeat; KJ accompanied me to the game.  KJ made the voyage to Petco for the first two games of the San Diego series, Los Gigantes lost both games.  This was not a coincidence.  My empirical evidence shows that in 2010 Los Gigantes lose every time KJ attends a regular season night game in the state of California.

 

 

 

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There is one way to fix the jinx of KJ.  KJ and I must attend a Gigantes game outside the bankrupt state of California. 

 

Why must I go?

 

Because I can.

I think a trip to Colorado or Arizona will suffice.  Ummm, maybe not Arizona, I think I am still a wanted man after my $200 French fry fiasco.  Colorado it will be.  We need to find a weekend series and make this happen. 

 

The earliest weekend series in Colorado is the July 4th weekend. 

 

Maybe KJ can try a day game before then.

 

The rest of the offensive blame for the past week can be handed out to every hitter on Los Gigantes not named Pablo Sandoval or Andres Torres.  Ah heck, Ill throw in Nate Schierholtz as well, he did have an RBI infield single.

 

 

I want to shift my offensiveness of Los Gigantes’ offense to other things in life that either offend me or really ruffle my feathers.

 

1.  Scott Spiezo.  I hate you and your red sole-patch.  I almost felt good that you turned to drugs.

 


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I wish F-Rod had a pitch other than a fastball.

 

2.  The Rally Monkey.  I hope your golden years are spent in captivity where you have to consistently dodge fecal matter thrown by Monkeys who are Gigantes fans. 

 


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This makes me sick.

 

3.  Rally Monkey’s at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.  They started being sold in 2003.  Who gave the go ahead for filling the merchandise stands with Gigantes Rally Monkeys?  I am sure the person was a marketing major who never once participated in any athletic competition.  If I were St. Paul, this person would not enter the Pearly Gates.

 

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4.  October of 2002.  See 1 through 3.

 

5.  Subway Sandwich Chain.  Subway uses the cheapest meats, cheese, and produce available.  Do they think I would not notice?  I am a 5 year veteran (High School) of the world of delicatessens/sandwich shops.  I noticed, but still patronize your establishment because you are open until 10PM.  Darn your Jared propaganda and late night $5 footlongs.

 


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This makes me giggle. 

 

6.  Anything and everything related to the Dodgers.  I even hate Carmelo Anthony’s wife because her first name is the abbreviation of Los Angeles twice in a row. 

 


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This makes me feel warm inside

 

7.  The guy who intentionally vomited on the Father/Daughter at the Phillies game.  Maybe this wonderful man was from that culture that Ben Stiller was referencing in “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story”.

 

“You know in some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there before, but I read about it… IN A BOOK!”

 

 

I could never think of such a horrid action.  This was the equivalent of urinating or defecating on someone.  Then again, he is from Philly.  Here is my first experience from a Phillies game from 2008:

 

My Father and I were in the second row behind the Mets dugout on July 4th, 2008 at Citizens Bank Park.  It was about 20 minutes before for first.  David Wright was playing catch in front of the dugout as he always does.  A young (7 year old) Phillies fan was sitting beside us with his Father.  He was screaming at David for an autograph.  It was Americas 232nd birthday in the city where the Declaration of Independence was signed, David felt the Americana and rewarded the young Phillie fan.  David grabbed a ball, a pen, and signed the ball.  He gently tossed the ball (Chest high, glove side) to the young fan. 

 

The young boy was ecstatic.  He smiled, looked at his Father, and gave David what was sure to be a big thank you.

 

Young Fan:  “Hey David, you can suck my Richard”  I have to edit the four letter word.

 

David Wright did not respond.

 

The boy’s Father gave his son a high-five to signal his approval. 

 

I understand why the vomit incident occurred in Philadelphia. 

 


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Start ’em young! 

 

8.  Americans who claim another country when they were born in the United States of America. 

 

Yes, I am talking about you, A-Rod.

 

 


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You were born in Miami.

 

9.  Steroid users who claim they juiced to heal from injuries.  I take Viagra for the blood circulation.   

 

10. Neck Tattoos.

 

 

 

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Whhyyyyyyyyyyyy???

 

A neck tattoo says a few things:

 

A.  I am independently employed and wish to stay that way. 

B.  I do things my way. 

C.  I am either a Professional Athlete, Drug Dealer, or Rock Star.  If I don’t make it big in any of these three lucrative fields I will be regulated to wearing turtle necks at any respectable job.

D. I want people to think I am nuts.

E.  I am nuts.

 

I am sorry if I offended Ryan Roberts of the D-Backs.  Please do not hurt me.  You may be of the E. variety.

 

Wow, listing things that offend me almost made me forget that Renteria and The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez) are a combined 12/76 over their past 10 games.  I love it when the primary one and two hitters are raking at a .158 clip.

 

Maybe Los Gigantes made a mistake by shipping off F.Loser (Fred Lewis).  He is lighting it up on the Blue Birds with a line of .208/.296/.333 with 9 Ks in 24 at bats. 

 

Breathe Shaun, Breathe.

 

I am okay, the season is a marathon.   I need to ride the waves. 

 

I am angry I did not attend the games on Friday and Saturday against the Cardinals.  I missed out on my Gigantes wearable blanket and Pablo bobblehead.

 

 

 

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I need one of these.

 

I will be scouring ebay for both.

 

Bring on Roy Halladay and the Phills.  I promise no Gigantes fan at Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park will intentionally vomit on someone.

 

 

 

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Too many cheesesteaks. 

 

I cannot make that promise about the Phillies fans.

 

 

Hasta La Bye Bye 2009

Hasta La Bye Bye 2009

You were more than I could have hoped for.

Thank you for the 88 wins and 158 meaningful games.

I traveled south to San Diego this past weekend with my travel companion (KJ) to view what might be a Gigante celebration.  We bought the plane tickets about a month ago. We knew for a week we were not going to see our beloved Gigantes reach the postseason for the first time since 2003, but we were going to have a blast.

Here is the weekend.

Friday:

We missed the Friday game and our last chance to participate in the BZDG (Barry Zito Drinking Game) to honor the birthday of the very lovely Katie (KJ’s BeAuTiFuL lAdY!!).

I have enjoyed Zito’s starts this year because of the BZDG.  No matter if Zito got lit up or tossed in a gem the BZDG always made the game enjoyable (except for Zito’s start in NY. Damn you Barry Zito… too many beers).

I was not concerned with the missed alcohol consumption by not participating in the BZDG.  We were going out, with females, which meant I was going to have to engage in the art of dance.

Dancing.

 

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The word sends gOoSeBuMpS down the spines of most white boys.  White boys, a group I fit nicely into.

Here is my breakdown on my dance skills.  Yes, I am calling them skills.  I am convinced I have either two left or right feet. I am not sure which foot I have two of, but I know they don’t work well together.  My knees are always too stiff, I move like the Tin Man from “The Wizard of OZ” without any oil to lube my joints.  My hips sway awkwardly to the beat of the music.  I think I only move at one speed. My rhythm is so poor I probably look like I am wearing a gigante mascot costume, like Lou Seal.  Actually, Lou Seal has more rhythm than I do. 

Lou Seal only has one actual dance move, the hip thrust.

 

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To put it mildly, I suck pickles.

I have been asked if I “dance like a white boy” on more than one occasion (all by non-white females).

My Answer:

“I dance like a drunk boy.”

When it comes to dancing, I have no shame.  I go straight for the PEDs (Performance Enhancing Drugs).  Alcohol is my PED of choice.

After numerous Cervezas and a few shots of Tequila, I go from looking like this:

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 To This:

 

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The night was a rousing success. I danced the night away.  I didn’t feel like a white boy.  Actually, I did not really feel much of anything.  I was Effffed up.

Fun night…and Los Gigantes won!

Saturday:

KJ and I were excited to see Matt Cain’s final start of the year on Saturday night.  We headed to downtown San Diego a couple hours before game time for some pre-game eating and drinking.

My friend (Christine), a Bay Area transplant met up with us at the bar before we headed into the game.

The game started.

Holy Toledo (Sorry Bill King).

What a bore fest.

Christine and I had to take a detour to the bar.  We stayed there for about Four innings and missed exactly zero Gigante hits.  The bar was pretty darn cool.  It was in the Western Metal Supply building.  You could see the field from the bar, awesome. 

We made our way back to our seats and watched Los Gigantes pile up one more hit for the remainder of the game.  It looked and felt like a Matt Cain start circa 2006.  We got shut out.

We had to resort to get excited about anything.

As did the other Gigantes fans.

A fan “made it rain” with napkins after a walk.  It was utterly amazing.  I gave the guy a good fist bump when I saw him on the concourse.

There were chants that I could not make out because Los Gigantes faithful were getting so plastered.

The UOOOOOOOOOO-RRRRRRRREEEBBBAAYYYYY chant was boomin’.

I think I heard a “Beat LA” chant.

Bay Area Hyphy movement in San Diego.

Aye… Aye… Aye…!!!

Christine was a great sport, as shown here.

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A beautiful woman in my gigantes hat. The key to my heart!

 

Sunday:

A bittersweet day.  I was excited yet I had a sense of sadness knowing there would not be anymore Gigantes baseball until next April. 

Our group got out tickets and made it to a bar (big surprise, huh?).  Our bartender was awesome.  He was wearing a Father’s jersey but confirmed he was a Gigantes fan. We talked Gigantes and 49ers. He even bought us a round.  He also called me “Brother” which threw me off, because calling people brother is usually my deal.

KJ and I wanted to see two things at the final game.  We wanted to see Los Gigantes get their 88th win and Pablo Sandoval get to 90 RBI.  Pablo came into the game one short.

In the first inning Pablo drilled a single with “The Eritrean Cab Driver” on 2nd base.  Mr. Tim held him up at 3rd base.  Damn, there was one chance.

I was extremely obnoxious during the game as I knew it was my last chance to act so juvenile this season.  I didn’t mind the awkward stares.

Los Gigantes and Pablo didn’t get it done in regulation.

Free Baseball!  Awesome, on to the extra frame tied at three.

Kung Fu Panda was due up in the tenth inning.

One last chance.

Pablo’s season line coming into the at bat in the 10th inning. .329/24/89

KJ turned to me and uttered beautiful words.

KJ: “Pablo’s going to be .330/25/90 after this pitch.”

SLY: “Oh yeah? ONE TIME! ONNNEE TIMMEE!”

CRACKK!!!!!!

444 feet later the ball landed.

4-3 in favor of Los Gigantes

KJ=Nostradamus.

I jumped, screamed, and THREW A SODA TO THE GROUND!

B-Jeezy pitched through a Cab Driver error to secure the victory and end the season.

I cheered loudly than became silent.

The 2009 season was over.

Six months, 88 wins, and 158 meaningful baseball games.

This was more than I could have hoped for.

Hasta La Bye Bye 2009,

Until next year.

 

   

 

A Good Day to be Named Eli and Free Rides on the Band Wagon

August 5th, 2009 was a great day to be named Eli.

 

Eli Manning signed a $97.5 million dollar deal.

 

Eli Whiteside hit his first career Home Run/Grand Slam.  Whiteside’s grand salami ended up being the game winner in Los Gigantes 10-6 victory over the Astros. 

 

Joe Martinez got the victory in his first game back since taking a Mike Cameron line drive off the bean on April 9th.  Congratulations.  Martinez didn’t pitch great, but he battled after giving up 3 runs in the 2nd inning.  His line: 5in, 7h, 3er, 4ks, and 0bb.  He got what counted, the W.

 

The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez) extended his hitting streak to 12 games.  I cannot explain what has gotten into this guy.  ECD was left for dead. He has come back to the big leagues with a swagger I have not seen with him before.  He no longer looks timid, he is playing with confidence and it shows.  

 

Freddy Sanchez and Pablo Sandoval both continued to swing the bats well.  I love how F. Sanchez stays inside the ball.  I don’t believe he has rolled over on a pitch in his four games with his new club.

 

Here are the runs per game Los Gigantes have scored with Freddy Sanchez in the lineup: 7, 3, 8, and 10.  He is making a difference.

 

Los Gigantes won two out of three in Houston for their first road series victory since June, when they beat up on the lowly Oakland Athletics.

 


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The glass slipper fits. This is turning into a magical season.

 

 

 

Here is my empirical evidence.

 

 

 

 

 

I have seen Gigante gear everywhere I go lately.  At the local gas station, the cashier was rockin’ a Los Gigantes hat.  It was brand-spanking-baby-a**-sparkling new.  At the gym, at work, and at the mall, Gigantes gear is being represented.  It is nice to see again.

 

 

 


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People in the Bay Area are boarding the band wagon.  I will lead the shout out, “All aboard Los Gigantes band wagon!” 

 

Tim Lincecum will be on the bump tomorrow night against the Cincinnati Reds.  Lincecum will be going for his 11th consecutive start of at least eight strikeouts.  Keep it up.

 

I will be attending and look forward to receiving my Jon Miller bobble head.  Yes, I am a dork. I will also patronize 21st Amendment.  I can almost taste a beer as I write this.  21st Amendment is a must visit establishment before a game.  The brews are awesome.  A few of my favorites; (sad to say, some are seasonal) Lost Sailor, Brew Free or Die, Prohibition Ale, and the adequately named Tasty.  One of the best qualities about these brews besides the taste is the high alcohol content!  Most of these come in at around 7-8%.

 


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Directions for fun:

 

Drink four of the above mentioned 21st Amendment beers to create a base-coat of drunkness that will last for the entire ball game.  To maintain the drunkness at the game, drink one watered down beer (Preferably Coors or Bud Light) every 3 innings.  Remember to purchase two beers in the 6th inning as alcohol sales end at the end of the 7th inning.

 

On the Reds

 

Los Gigantes should win this series.  I would be very disappointed if they did not.

 

Welcome back Dusty.  I miss your wristbands and toothpicks.

 

Why did the Reds trade for Scott Rolen?  What was the point? It does not make sense to take on a player with that salary when your team is not competing for a playoff birth. 

 

Brian Sabean should contact the Red’s front office to gauge the interest of a player who not only has a Cy Young award to his credit (2002) but is also a focal point of one of my favorite drinking games. 

 

For complete details on the Barry Zito Drinking Game please refer to the post appropriately named “The Official Barry Zito Drinking Game”.  

 

 

 

 

Bengie Stimulus Plan and Road Fun

 

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When in a recession, put together a stimulus plan.

Bengie Molina was in some type of recession with the bat.

Last night saw Loose Change turn into Big Money.

I apologize to Big Money Molina.

The day after I asked for him to be replaced in the 4 hole, Bengie Molina returned to Big Money form.  Molina went 3-5 with 2 RBI in Los Gigantes 8-1 victory over the Astros.  His best hit ball of the night actually was an out, a ball driven about 410 feet to center field was caught at the base of that silly hill in Minute Maid Park.

The Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez), Freddy Sanchez, Pablito Pandaval, and Bengie Molina led the offensive attack that put together 16 hits. Jonathan Sanchez even got his first hit of the year!

How hot is the Cab Driver?  Velez will not be coming out of the lineup anytime soon.

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I forgot what back to back home runs look and sound like.  Thank you Freddy Sanchez and Pablito Pandaval for jogging my memory. 

 

 

Jon Miller sounded like he forgot back to back home runs could happen.  He channeled Lon Simmons with the call of the Pablo’s back end of the back to back with a “Tell it Good Bye”. Those were the first words out of his mouth.  It was awesome.

 

 

I can’t forget to mention how great it was to see Jonathan Sanchez put together a great start on the road.  He was dirty.  J. Sanchez’s has two alter-egos.  There’s the Dirty (Good) Sanchez and the Ugly ( Bad) Sanchez.  I’m glad we all got the Dirty Sanchez last night.

Thank you to Roy Oswalt’s achy back for Felipe Paulino .  Paulino has great stuff but left too many balls over the plate.

 

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Here’s hoping the Bengie Stimulus Plan does not run out of cash like the “Cash for Clunkers” plan.

.Best wishes to Joe Martinez in today’s game.  I am glad you made it back.

Kung Fu Panda learns Judo?

 

Hello,

How about that All-Star snub, huh?

Guess that’s why they call him the Kung Fu Panda….

Haaaa haaaa haaaaaa (long awkward laugh).

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Thats for you, Mr. Charlie Manuel. 

One of my favorite lines in the Austin Powers series is when Powers would yell “Judo Chop” during fight sequences.  I heard “Judo Chop” from Pablo Sandoval’s mouth when he was crushing balls in the 7-2 victory last night over the Phillies.

 

 

kung-fu-panda.jpgIs Judo part of Kung Fu? 

It was sweet revenge to watch Pablo stick it to Charlie Manuel and his Phillies.  One ball in the drink and a two run double off the LCF wall on a pitch that was off the plate and shin high gave Pablo 4 RBI for the night.  

 

 

The Panda masks were out in full force last night.  I love them and need one.

 

The Eritrean Cab Driver (Velez) continues to keep his foot on the gas.  He had another big game with the stick going 3-5 with 3 RBI .  Keep it up ECD! 

Jonathan Sanchez had an interesting night.  At times he looked dominant (7ks in 5.2in) and at times he couldn’t throw his fastball over the plate.  I believe Sanchez’s pitch over Utley’s head was a complete accident.  He had three such pitches over his last inning pitched.  He lost all feel for the ball, which probably led to Bochy giving him the hook after 5.2 innings pitched.  Sanchez didn’t allow a crooked number which never allowed the Phils to get back into the game.  All in all, good job.

Tonight

Cliff Lee vs. Ryan Sadowski

Los Gigantes lit up Lee like a Christmas Tree in Spring Training… which means… absolutely nothing. 

This could very well be Sadowski’s last start if he doesn’t perform well.  I got to be honest, I want to know who Los Gigantes will slide into the fifth spot if Sadowski is replaced.  If Madison Bumgarner is an option, I kind of want that to happen.  I don’t want Sadowski to fall on his face, but I wouldn’t mind if it brought up Bumgarner.  If Sadowski does shove tonight, I will not complain.                  

austinp1.jpgJUDO CHOP!

 

Barry Zito Drinking Game Results and Giants notes from 7/28/09

Three pitches into the game Los Gigantes and Barry Zito were down 1-0.  Nine more hitters would reach base against former Cy Young award winner, but none would cross home plate.  Zito’s line: 5.2 innings, 9 hits, 1 run, 2 BB, and 6 Ks.  I’ll take it!  

Heres the line if you happened to participate in the “Barry Zito Drinking Game”.

A friend and I did scientific testing.  We came to the conclusion that 8 gulps was roughly a 12oz beverage.  We stayed classy with the Silver Bullet.

Singles: 7 = 7 Gulps

Doubles: 2 = 4 Gulps

Triples/HR: N/A 

Walks: 2 = 2 Gulps

Runs: 1 = 8 Gulps (One Beer)

Pick off attempts: 10 = 10 gulps

Hand through hair: 5 = 5 Gulps

Ks with a Fastball: 2 = 16 Gulps (Two Beers)

Innings started after 5th: 1 = 8 Gulps (One Beer)

Zito reaching base: 1 (walk!!!) = 8 Gulps (One Beer)

Add it all up… 68 gulps or about 8.5 Silver Bullets.  Beautiful.

 

 

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A few notes from the game:

Ryan Garko looked good in his last two at bats.  Does anyone else thinks he looks like a chubby Barry Zito?

What the hell got into the Eritrean Cab Driver (Eugenio Velez)?  He absolutely smoked two balls.  He also pimp’d both hits like he will never get another opportunity to do so.

I loved the Panda masks that were at the ball park.  Pablito must as well, he’s now hitting .401 at home.

Goodbye to the end of the Affeldt scoreless innings streak.  That was impressive.

Day game today- Lets go Cain.