Tagged: Tim Lincecum

A Call to Action for More Neck Tattoos

 

A Call to Action for More Neck Tattoos

5/24/11

SLY

 

I’ve often written about my affinity for neck tats and the people who decided they are a good look and fit for their lifestyle.

 

My hypothesis: Neck tattoos are predominantly on three groups of people:

 

1. Professional Athletes. (Basketball players are the worse offenders.)

 

2. Entertainers. (A better decision for Musical acts than Actor.)

 

3. Self-Employed or in a field that does not require customer interaction.

 

My thoughts are rational and I feel they are self evident.The all too proud owners of neck tattoos make the bold statement that: “I never have to worry about my appearance to make a living.”

 

A person in group #3 is most likely an excellent chef who has appeared on “No Reservations” or associated with illegal activities.

 

(I have been on a Tony Bourdain: No Reservations kick.I watched the Pacific Northwest episode where every chef was tat’d from head to toe.)

 

Gangland has also been a DVR favorite of mine the past few years.The number of tattoos on the necks of the criminals on Gangland is astounding. Why would anyone who engages in constant illegal acts ever want to have an easily identifiable trait?

 

Criminals must have been smarter in the past.I cannot think of one famous Mafioso who ever donned a neck tattoo.

 

This brings me to Giovanni Ramirez, the prime suspect in the Bryan Stow beating.I was elated on Sunday morning when the news was reported that he was in custody.I was more elated to learn what tip led to his arrest: Ramirez’s neck tattoo.

 

Ramirez’s Probation Officer (is anyone surprised that Ramirez is a convicted felon?) noticed that Ramirez’s neck tattoo was recently changed and that Ramirez resembled one of the men on the 300 Billboards around the Los Angeles area.

 

Why would someone change one of their most easily identifiable traits?Easy, when someone thinks that an easily indefinable trait may make them easier to indentify.

 

The ironic part is that if Ramirez left his neck tattoo as is, his probation officer probably never makes the call to the Los Angeles Police Department.

 

Witnesses may not even have been able to identify Ramirez’s neck tattoo.The senseless attack occurred at almost 9pm in parking lot that is not well lit.The sketches were not too detailed.

 

Ramirez’s paranoia from a physically identifiable trait he willingly added to his body led him make a decision which led to his arrest.

 

That’s beautiful.

 

Maybe we should take a page out of the “Scarlet Letter” and brand our felons.Instead of a Scarlet A, we should think of a hideous neck tattoo to identify felons of the United States of America.

 

The “Felon Neck Tattoo” would have to be something big, bold, and bright.

 

(Yes, Three Bs alliteration pun intended.)

 

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Johnny Chez Drinking Game and OBL/Obama Photo Theories

 

Please Check Out http://The-Three-Bs.com for all the photos and unedited content. Thanks- Shaun

 

5/5/11

 

Happy Cinco de Drinko!  In honor of the 2nd best drinking holiday of the year, The Slingin’ Johnny Sanchez Drinking Game has been unveiled.

 

I was unable to participate or score the game as I had to work.  A quick look at the box score shows about 8 ½ beers (not including looks from J. Sanchez or Bochy).

 

This game may be just as lethal as the BZDG. 

 

Gigantes fans cannot complain with a 5-5 road trip considering how futile the offense was.  We all envisioned Mike Fontenot penciled (I hope that is Bochy’s writing tool of choice) in the three hole. 

 

The sad part about Fontenot hitting 3rd is that is where he should be hitting at the moment.  Lil man is rocking .892 OPS, which leads all players who are not on the DL named Pablo Sandoval.

 

A Late Acknowledgement

 

I have to give a late acknowledgement to the great Kenstrodaumas on his end of game prediction during Saturday’s Angels/Rays game. 

 

With two outs in the bottom of the 10th inning, Fernando Rodney faced (the recently DFA’d) Felipe Lopez with Matt Joyce on 3rd base.

 

KJ: “Wild Pitch, game over.”

 

Rodney threw a fastball which Hank Conger could not backhand, the ball went to the backstop, and Matt Joyce scored the game winner.

 

KJ: “Told you.”

 

KJ has a knack for these kinds of things, it is scary.  There has to be someway I can exploit this for a monetary gain.

 

Say Cheese OBL!

 

President Obama decided not to release photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse.  I have a couple of theories on why President Obama held the photos back.

 

1.  President Obama wants to show the Right Wingers that he a Capitalist!

 

The President will open a bidding war between the tabloids and other news publications all over the world for the rights to the photos.

 

That would end all the socialist talk.

 

2.  The photos will be released on November 2nd 2012.

 

After all, he is a Politician.  It will help the exit poll numbers.

 

The Daily Bs 5/4

For all the unedited content and photos, please go to http://The-Three-Bs.com. -Shaun

 

5/4/11

 

That’s all it took? One night of obnoxious inebriation and Huff Daddy is back on track.  I penned a note to Mr. Huff to remind him how to succeed on the field.

 

Dear Aubrey,

 

Please get drunk and act like me more often at Playoff Hockey games.  It is good for the ball club.

 

Sincerely,

 

Shaun Lauren Yaple

 

 

Jose Reyes must not want to be part of Los Gigantes

 

Jose Reyes went 3×3 with 3 BB in yesterday’s game.  The impressive performance prompted Sandy Alderson to call Brian Sabean and ask for three more mid-level prospects in addition to Zach Wheeler.

Fine Sandy, I’ll throw in Charlie Culberson. 

 

Jose will need to tone it down if he wants to be part of the defending World Champs.  His play may price himself out of what Sabean is willing to give up.

 

Timmy should help Los Gigantes in two ways tonight:

 

1. Get a W.

 

2. Give Reyes the collar, which will allow Sabean to remove one of the mid-level prospects in the Zach Wheeler plus others for Jose Reyes trade.

 

Insensitive Joke of the Day

 

KJ: “You hear about the new Osama bin Laden drink?”

 

SLY: “Nope.”

 

KJ: “A shot of any alcohol followed by a splash of water.”

 

 

Happy Lincecum Day!

The Daily Bs from http://The-Three-Bs.com

Here are March and April’s Daily Bs from http://The-Three-Bs.com 

4/29/11

 

Breaking News: Sharks love the taste of Wings.

 

The Sharks and Red Wings are set to square off in the Western Conference Semi-Finals tonight inSan Jose.I will be in attendance.I plan on being loud, obnoxious, and somewhat inebriated.

 

I do not change who I am for the playoffs.

 

Playoff Hockey can only be truly appreciated live.It has everything I love about sports: excitement, emotion, and drama.

 

I plan on catching most of Lincecum’s start against the Nationals at the Brit before the puck drops.

 

I have made it a point to watch a few Nationals games since F.P. Santangelo took the color analysis job with the team.

 

Goodness, I feel for the guy.How does F.P. deal with Bob Carpenter on a daily basis without becoming a raging alcoholic?

 

Most baseball fans are familiar with Bob Carpenter as he has done MLB game for ESPN for years.I have always enjoyed his voice and pace on the ESPN broadcasts.

 

My enjoyment of Carp diminishes with each Nationals game I watch.Maybe F.P. and Carp haven’t had enough time to build chemistry with each other.One thing is for sure, there is no natural chemistry between the two.

 

Here are a couple of quick exchanges from Carp and F.P.:

 

Man on 1st base with 1 out (pitcher not up).

 

Carp: “Should he bunt (Sacrifice) here?”

 

F.P.: “No.”

 

For non-stitch heads: No normal thinking baseball brain would sacrifice bunt with one out and a man on first (unless the pitcher was at bat).

 

A pitch thrown an eyelash off the plate called a ball.

 

F.P. “Wayyyy outside.”

 

Carp: “No way, that was really close.”

 

(This instance happens about once a game)

 

Poor Carp doesn’t get F.P.’s sarcasm, which is half of his shtick.

 

Here is my conclusion on Bob Carpenter: Carp has a great voice but rarely says anything of substance.He is the announcer version of a gorgeous dumb chic.Eventually you will see through the beauty and only notice the flaws.

 

The NFL Draft:

 

Patrick Conner (@pcon34) player bios on KNBR were the sole reason I enjoyed Thursday’s first round. They were informative and full of sexual innuendo.Right up my alley.P-Con would fit in nicely with the Three Bs crew.

 

I owe him a few drinks for the laughs.

 

Good bye Michael Scott:

 

LJ and I popped a bottle ofChampagnefor Michael Scott’s last appearance on the office.It was a sad television moment. A tear or two may or may not have been shed on the couch.

 

Michael Scott’s final line on the office was perfect.

 

Michael Scott: “I can’t wait to get this off my chest. (Microphone taken off and then no sound but Michael’s lips mouthed) That’s what she said.”

 

Television will miss you.

 

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4/28/11

 

The early morning start time made following the game rather difficult today.I had to (Gasp!) fulfill my job responsibilities.I caught about an innings worth of action on television while I followed the rest of the game on ESPN’s GameCast.I have yet to buy my ipad and Slingbox.I need these two items for my future sanity.

 

Congratulations to Ryan Vogelsong who earned his first major league win since 2005.His stat line of 5.2 IN, 2 ER, 4 H, 2 BB, and 8 Ks would have been The Spiritual Southpaw’s best performance of the year.

 

Vogelsong must be on cloud nine.

 

If Vogelsong doesn’t know how to get to cloud nine, I am sure tomorrow’s starter can help him find his way.

 

Los Gigantes went 2-24 with RISP for the three game series.That is not a recipe for winning a series.I will take it, los Gigantes haven’t fared too well in theSteelCityover the past few years.

 

A Three Bs observation:

 

I have talked to KJ and RT about the lineup the past few days.We all feel it is about time to switch Aubrey Huff and Pablo Sandoval in the batting order.I wouldn’t be surprised if the switch happens sooner than later.Pablo looks like an improved more polished 2009 version of himself.He is averaging a career high 3.75 pitches per plate appearance and swinging at a career low 52% of pitches thrown his way.

 

Plate discipline on and off the field has helped the Kung Fu Panda.

 

Goodbye to Michael Scott:

 

Tonight will be Michael Scott’s last scheduled (I guarantee he will be on the series finale) appearance on “The Office”.The show has not been as good the last few seasons, but last week’s “Dundies” episode reminded everyone how great the show used to be, as it was the best episode from the past 3 seasons.

I salute you Michael Scott.I wore a women’s suit at work today in your honor.

 

 

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4/26/11

 

Los Gigantes got swept by the Braves and I still managed to have a great weekend.Is this the first sign of maturity?

 

I hope not.

 

The Top 3 items from the weekend:

 

1. RT got engaged.

 

My longtime best friend asked his girl to marry him.He was on a beach in Hawaii, had a huge rock, and there might have been alcohol involved.How could she say no?

 

Congratulations to RT and Ashley.

 

Love you guys.

 

I was informed that I will be the best man and will need to tackle the challenge of throwing the bachelor party.

 

It is a great honor, I will do my best to re-create “The Hangover”, but I will add baseball references into the dialog.

 

2. My Pops found a new job.

 

My Pops has been out of a job for the last 6 months.He found an employer that recognizes and appreciates what he can bring to the company.I have no doubts he will kick ass.

 

3. I had my first Television interview.

 

It was local, the lights were bright, and I was nervous.I was a little stiff.I should have had a drink or three.I was interviewed about the online gambling sites that were shut down and how it has affected brick and mortar Casinos. I have a good amount of knowledge on the subject but I am not sure how well it translated into the clip they played.I did feel good that most of the information I gave to the reporter was used in the story.

 

I did look damn good.It was Orange Friday.I always wear the Orange Tie on Orange Friday.

 

This was my first TV appearance since RT and I were kicked out of Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.I am definitely telling that story along with The $200 French Fries stories at RT and Ashley’s wedding.

 

Easter Baseball:

 

I attended Los Gigantes and Braves game with my Pops on Easter Sunday.It was a beautiful day at the yard.I met Pops at 21st Amendment to have a holy beer. I got a Double Daddy (Speakeasy Brewery was a guest brew) since it was 9.5% and we were in a rush.

 

Dear Shaun,

 

Do not pound 9.5% beers. Do not pound 9.5% beers.Do not pound 9.5% beers.

 

Thank you,

 

Shaun

 

Pops and I received what appeared to be the last 2 replica World Series trophies at the gate.People were lined up at 8:30am to get the giveaway.They are currently selling for $50+ on ebay.People are sick.

 

I may use Gorilla Glue to glue the base of the trophy on the hood of my car where the BMW logo is.It may add value to my 230k mile car.

 

I did do something at the game I cannot remember doing since I have been able to drive.

 

I left as the game was headed to the 10th inning. The choice was not mine.I had to cover a shift for an employee at work.

 

I know, Sacrilege on Easter Sunday.

 

I ended up 45 minutes late to work.Maybe it was good I didn’t have to see the Miguel Tejada Statue not move for the Nate Mclouth 46-hopper into center field.

 

Miggy looks older than the 48 years of age he is listed in the media guide.

 

Los Gigantes are in Pittsburgh to face a family friend in Clint Hurdle.

 

Clint is one of my favorite people in baseball.I wish him all the success in the steel city, but I hope Los Gigantes put a hurting on the BucOs.I am looking forward to Ryan Vogelsong’s start on Thursday. He is facing the team he was traded to in 2001 from the team he was traded from.Is there such thing as double motivation? That was one of San Francisco’s two trade rapes of the Pirates in the last decade.

 

2001: Pittsburg received Armando Rios and Ryan Vogelsong while San Francisco netted Jason Schmidt and John Vanderwall.

 

2009: Pittsburg received Tim Alderson while San Francisco received Freddy Sanchez.

In both cases, Los Gigantes came up short reaching the playoffs in the year they made the trade but ended up in the World Series the next year.

 

What’s the Moral of the Story?Make a trade with Pittsburg!

 

I wrote Trade Rape and laughed, maturity be damned.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

4/20/11

Yesterday I placed the failed Lincecum no-hit bid squarely on the broad shoulders of Kenneth Jones.He handled the weight well and used his powerful JuJu to help Bay Area sports last night.

 

KJ used his JuJu on Ubaldo in the first inning, capped by another monstrous potato from Pablo Sandoval.Neil Everett of ESPN had one of the better lines I have heard on SportsCenter in a while: “The Panda lost 40 punds but still feasts on sliders.”

 

Yum Yum.

 

Give Pablo the MVP award if he continues his pace .328/.400/.603 with 48 HRs and 148 RBI.

 

…and Pablo just strained his right triceps.That never would have happened last year.Good to know he has muscles to strain now.

 

KJ’s JuJu was also placed on the Los Angeles Kings at the 19:12 mark in the 2nd period.As all Sharks fans know (and most sports fans inAmerica know by now) the Kings held a 4-0 lead, the game seemed all but over.

 

KJ turned to the A’s game (Andersondominated). I was disgusted.I flipped over to the A’s game and caught a little bit of the other late MLB games on the Extra Innings package (Best $$$ I have ever spent.The GF will probably hate me by July).I flipped back to the Sharks game, not because I felt they could come back. I truly thought the game and maybe the season was being flushed down the toilet.I turned back because my friend Nick alerted me he was playing “Shots for Goals.”The name says it all.I was now rooting for goals of any kind, especially once he told me that he was asked to come into work early the next morning.

 

3:08 into the 2nd period, Patty lights the lamp, 4-1 Kings.

 

6:53 into the 2nd period, Clowe puts the biscuit in the basket, 4-2 Kings

 

SLY: “Got a new game here.”

 

KJ: “Wake me when they get within a goal.”

 

13:32 into the 2nd period, Couture puts one in the old onion bag (resorting to soccer scoring references), 4-3 Kings.

 

SLY: “Ummm 4-3.”

 

13:47 into the 2nd period, Evil Ryan Smyth puts one in for the Kings, 5-3.

 

SLY: “Ummm 5-3, efffing Ryan Smyth.”

 

18:35 into the 2nd period, Clowe scores his second goal of the period, 5-4 Kings.

 

SLY: “5-4.”

 

KJ did not return any of these messages.He was concentrating his entire JuJu on the Kings.

 

It worked.

 

19:29 into the 2nd period, The Big Pavelski tied up the game.

 

(How many big time goals does this guy deliver?)

 

KJ: “Boom!!!!!!”

 

What a freaking period, 7 goals and 7 shots for Nick.He is a huge Sharks fan, I am sure the 5 shots from the Sharks went down like velvet.

 

Los Gigantes were playing in Coors Field, the way the goals were being put on the board; I had to wonder if this game was being played there as well.The non-humidor pucks must have been put into play.

 

The Kings brought out the pucks stashed in the humidor for the 3rd period.

 

The pucks from the humidor worked as there was no offense.

 

Overtime Playoff Hockey; try to convince me there is any sport with more drama.

 

3:09 into OT, Setoguchi scores one of the biggest goals in Sharks history.

 

I loved Setoguchi’s celebration; it was very Jonathon Cheechoo like.

 

One of my pet peeves (Not having Heinz ketchup at a restaurant is one.) is when announcers or writers proclaim an event or occurrence is unbelievable.It is one of the most over used phrases in sports.

I will never patronize your establishment if you serve this.

This was one time where I was not upset that Randy Hahn dropped an UNBELIEVABLE!!!

 

It truly was.

 

I imagine the 11th and final shot of the night for Nick went down easier than the first 10.

 

Final Note:

A very Happy 23rd Birthday to Brandon Belt, whose birthday gift from Los Gigantes was a free plane ticket back to Fresno.

 

Someone remind the kid about a guy named Matt Williams.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

4/19/11

 

The Juju That Ruined The No-Hit Bid

 

Tim Lincecum’s no hit bid ended in the 7th inning on a 3-1 fastball that Carlos Gonzalez smacked into right field.Who was the happiest the no-hit bid failed?

 

A gigante Gigantes fan.

 

I am talking about Kenneth Jones, or as he is known on The Three Bs: KJ.

 

KJ was in a classroom 1,240 miles west of Coors Field.He had no access to a television and his ipod cannot pick up an AM radio signal.KJ’s blackberry (MLB.com and my BBMs) was his only source of updates.

(Insert Slingbox Plug here.)

 

BBM Messaging:

 

6:57pm

 

SLY: “The hit column has 0 hits for theRockiesthrough 5.”

 

KJ: “I see said the blind man.”

 

7:08pm

 

SLY: “Six innings complete.”

 

KJ: “FML”

 

(For those of you who do not know 14 year old girl lingo; FML stands for Fuck My Life.)

 

KJ did not want this no-hit bid to go down for a couple of reasons:

 

1.Nobody wants to hear about or watch the highlights of a no-hitter. We (fans) need to watch it live.We want to brag to our friends that we watched the game from the beginning.

 

(I have only watched two no-hitters from 1st to last pitch: 1. Kevin Millwood vs. Los Gigantes and Jonathon Sanchez vs. The Fathers.

 

This is why ESPN will always break programming and go to a no-hitter in progress.

 

2.He missed most of Jonathon Sanchez’s no hitter in 2009.He was at dinner with the lovely KTbug.He loves KTbug, but this had to kill him inside.I know how upset I would be.

 

Note to all girls.If a pitcher from your man or woman’s (politically correct) favorite team is throwing a no-no or perfect game, please allow them to drop whatever they are doing immediately and proceed straight to a television set.

 

If we are not allowed to do this, we will always hold some sort of resentment for the remainder of the relationship.

 

With these two reasons, KJ did not want Big Time to throw the no-no.

 

7:25pm

 

SLY: “You can relax; CarGo just hit a single with one out in the 7th.”

 

KJ: “Thank God.”

 

I believe negative feelings and vibes can manifest itself into something real, and I believe this is what happened with Lincecum’s no-hit bid.

Is it any surprise that KJ owns a Pedro Cerrano jersey?

KJ’s negative juju ruined any chance of Lincecum throwing a no-hitter yesterday.

 

I have to admit, I am impressed but a little scared of KJ at the moment.To change the course of history using only negative thoughts is an impressive feat.

 

KJ should put his powers to use; maybe Matt Kemp can pull a hammy?

 

Just sayin’.

 

Other Notes:

 

Nate Schierholtz’s moon shot yesterday was Bonsian.I haven’t yelled “Oh My God!” since Panda almost went splash in Right-Center at AT&T during Jonathon Sanchez’s no-hitter in 2009.

Nate must be using the flaxseed oil.

(Yes, I was drawling parallels from the 2 games as early as the 3rd inning).

 

Cody Ross will be activated tomorrow.I would send Darren Ford down and wait for Torres to be activated before I demote Belt.

 

I expect Belt will start some games in leftfield inFresno.This will only give Los Gigantes more flexibility when he returns.

 

Belt looked tentative the last 10 or so days.He was missing 3-2 belt high fastballs.That is a sign he is in his own head.He will figure it out.I am rooting for the kid.

 

Ubaldo is on the hill tonight.I hope the rust from the DL is evident.

 

If Ublado looks good after three innings, I will call in KJ’s negative juju.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/14/11

Well, that did not last long.

 

The Bryan Stow Peace Treaty lasted all of two days.It appears the BS Peace Treaty applies only off the field.

 

(As it should)

 

I would like to personally thank Don Mattingly.

 

Thank you, and…

 

By drilling Buster twice it appears Mattingly is trying to ignite the brawl fuse.Does he think it will bond his team together?

 

The PPV Gigantes/Doyers Royal Rumble is a real possibility next month when they meet again.

 

Will DirecTV let me order early?

 

Speaking of ordering, how many Gigantes fans ordered Showtime to watch “The Franchise: A Season with Los Gigantes de San Fransico” last night?

 

I know RT was one of them.

 

RT was alarmed when a Penn & Teller show was shown on the TV Guide time-slot where “The Franchise” was suppose to air.His blood pressure lowered when he saw Boch light up the cigar.

 

Nicotine calms even through the television.

 

If you thought the show felt rushed, you were right.Remember that the show was a preview and was only 30 minutes long.The producers of the show attempted to briefly introduce the audience to the main cogs of the team and a couple feel good stories (Marc Kroon and Brandon Belt).I believe they will gauge the response and try to play off whatever story lines or players test out the highest with the test audiences.

 

I am guessing we will see a whole lot of B-Weeze, Timmy, Skinny Panda, and Buster.

 

What was the best part of the show?

 

1. The off-season workouts of Andy Torres.

 

Torres work-out attire was classic.He did not wear a shirt or shoes.He did sport a massive platinum chain and True Religion denim jeans.

 

Torres workout consisted of running up dirt hills and throwing cinder blocks over his head.

It was like he was the Puerto Rican Rocky.Eye of the Tiger should have been playing as background music as he was on screen.

This is how I imagine Domingo Ayala trained when he successfuly defended his Rookie of the Year award.

“Pop da chain.”

2.The Soulful Southpaw.

Now pitching #75, The Soulful Southpaw

I affectionately refer to Barry Zito as the Singer/Songwriter, I am ditching that handle for the one Showtime bestowed upon him; The Soulful Southpaw.

 

No follow up joke/line needed.

 

RT suggested that we can no longer call The Soulful Southpaw by his given name, only his handle.

 

Done.

 

Today’s off day allows the Sharks to be front and center in Bay Area sports.

 

I love that we (fans) can use the same chant from the last three nights.Playoff matchups create and build rivalries.This could be the birth of Sharks and Kings hatred for each other.The rivalry possibility has all the ingredients; all it will take to become alive is a 6 or 7 game series.

 

Does anyone else have a feeling this is the year the Sharks are going to finally break though and win Lord Stanley’s Cup?

 

Over the past 5 years the Sharks have been the most successful professional team in the Bay Area (The Sabercats and their Arena Bowls excluded). This season has had a different feel than the last few years. They didn’t come out of the chutes on fire as they have the last 3 years. They were horrible the first two months and sat in 13th in the West.

 

The Sharks peaked at the right time and rocketed to finish with the two seed.

 

Kind of reminds me of Los Gigantes and their World Series run.

 

Nothing is better than Playoff Hockey…except Playoff Baseball.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/13/11

 

It was me.I ruined Timmy’s 4th inning.

 

Top 1:

 

BBM CHAT:

 

SLY: “Timmy looks incredible, Superman status.”

 

KJ:“96 MPH, Los Doyers have no chance.”

 

After the 3rd inning, I had a conversation with myself as if I were in a two-man announcing booth.

 

(Yes, these are part of my game watching activities when I am alone.)

 

SLY (Normalvoice): “Timmy looks like he has no-hit stuff.”

 

SLY (Deep announcer voice): “I hope the 49 pitches through three innings does not hurt his chances.”

 

(Full disclosure: I cooked a nice little dinner for myself and may or may not have been drinking.)

 

4th inning: One pitch, one out.

 

SLY (Normal Voice): “That will help the pitch count (glare at partner).

 

SLY (Deep announcer voice): “Thank you Johnny Obvious.”

 

Then it happened.

 

Timmy transformed from Superman to that dude inSeattlewho fancies himself a superhero.Yes, This guy.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend…Pheonix Jones

With the game seemingly hanging in the balance, Timmy revealed his best attribute (besides his freakish talent), his heart.Down 3-0 with men on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out, he managed to escape without any further damage.

 

Is there a superhero whose superhero ability is damage control?

 

Stan Lee says……no.

 

(Probably would not be the best seller at the comic book store.)

 

You know the rest of the game story.

 

It was easily the most satisfying game of the short season.

 

Since I announced the game to myself last night, I have the authority to comment on Kruk and Kuip.

 

Kruk and Kuip were on fire last night.KJ and I openly wondered if they were drinking the happy juice.

We can only hope this is the future of Kruk and Kuip.

Here are a few of their gems:

 

Kruk: “Kemp is Cabbage!”

 

(Kemp was caught stealing in the 2nd inning.What does that (Cabbage) even mean?I never heard that phrase until theSouthPark “JerseyShore” episode.Can somebody please enlighten me?I need to know.)

 

Kuip: “What a bitch’n tie.”

 

(A cameraman panned the crowd and came upon man in his work attire.The tie was flashy; it had silver, green, and purple.I was taken aback by the terminology.Was bitch’n used in the 70s?)

 

Kruk: “This is an absolute strikeout situation.”

 

(Kruk went to this line twice, in the 4th and 6th innings.What’s the problem you may ask?There were runners on the corners with 1 out in both situations.Am I the only one who wants a double play over a strikeout in this situation?)

 

By the way, I love Kruk and Kuip.The guys are quickly becoming classics.They remind me of a television series where as the years go on the characters’ personalities are more defined and then exaggerated.

 

Check out the first season of “The Simpsons”, Homer has lost a few points off his IQ each succeeding season.

Season 1 Season 20

A PPV Mealy:

 

On Monday, Juan BooOo-ribe was a whole lot of happy when he received his World Series ring. On Tuesday, it looked like he was ready to charge the mound after Timmy drilled him with his 115th and final pitch of the night in the 6th inning.

 

It was the second time Timmy has drilled BooOo-ribe this season.The umpire had to get in front of Juan as he shouted, “Das da sesond EFFing ty-mine!”

 

It got me thinking, what if someone charged Timmy on the mound?

 

It might be the biggest brawl in SF Gigantes history, Juan Marichal/John Roseboro included.

I doubt Timmy would get touched.Do you know what the top speed of a lean and mean Panda who knows kung fu is?

 

….I am not sure either, but I have a feeling we would see the Panda’s 7th gear hauling from 3rd base to intercept the would-be mound charger.

 

Panda’s are cute and vicious.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/12/11

 

It all comes out in the wash: gum, coins, bills, anti-diarrhea pills, condoms, and bad defense.Most Gigantes fans were well aware Los Gigantes played out of their heads defensively last postseason.Their shortcomings on defense were not exposed.

 

The wash cycle had ended.Thank God, for the extra long wash cycle!It could have ended in 2010.

 

Can I blame the poor defense on Brandon Belt’s excellence at first base?His bat and glove forced Aubrey Huff to the outfield.Los Gigantes have been exposed far too often in the outfield this year.

 

What happened to the best athlete on the team?

 

The taped body outline of #17 is seared into my brain.

 

Thoughts on Belt:

 

Belt probably has about 2 weeks to figure things out.He does not look comfortable right now.How many 4-3 putouts are we going to see?He has to be close to the record for most 4-3 putouts over a three-game period.I have six on my count (2 Friday, 3 Sunday, and 1 Monday).

 

Here is the BBM conversation with RT and KJ last night during Belt’s last at bat:

 

SLY: “4-3, 4-3, 4-3, 4-3, and 4-3.”

 

At the exact same time…

 

KJ: “How many 4-3’s does BB have now?”

 

RT: “A lot.”

 

If Belt does continue to struggle (Watch him go 4×4 tonight) and is optioned toFresno, there is some good that could come out of the situation.Start Belt in left field atFresno.He is a good enough athlete that he will figure it out.Los Gigantes defense will be largely improved if Belt can become a league average outfield defender.

 

Los Gigantes have Huff for next year as well.He is at the stage of his career where his defense can only decline.

 

Huff is less of a liability at first base.Belt can slide into the everyday 1st base roll in 2013.

 

Of course, this is all predicated on Belt being optioned toFresno.Los Gigantes will not try this experiment in a Major League game.

 

This option could also be readdressed after the season.

 

Since I just wrote this, Belt will go on a 20-42 tear and Huff will look like Roberto Clemente in right field.

 

I will enjoy the taste of crow.

 

Big Time Timmy Jim is on the bump tonight.

 

He looks filthy.

 

I do not believe Timmy has washed all season.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

4/11/11

Los Gigantes won 2 of 3 from the Cardinals.We should all thank Colby Rasmus.

 

I haven’t written a love letter in a while, it is about time.

 

 

Dear Colby,

 

You dashed like a gazelle into left-center field on both Friday and Saturday with your hair lightly bouncing in a way that reminded me of Fabio riding a horse on beach with a slight breeze from the ocean air.I know it was my love that stopped you from retrieving the ball that A-Row hit on Friday and dropping Miggy’s ball on Saturday.

 

You wanted to make me happy, I appreciate that.

 

I will return the favor (No homo).Let me know when and where.

 

I cannot wait to see you in St. Louis.

 

Love,

 

Shaun Lauren Yaple

I am sure that little note makes up for the looks Colby received from LaRussa the past couple of days.

 

The Dodgers come into town tonight. If there is anyone who wants to get even for Brian Stow, please don’t. Sports are for entertainment (Not Sports Entertainment!) and supposed to be fun.

 

Fans who engage in violence need to know who they are and where they’re at.Take a good look in the mirror. You will undoubtedly see a loser.

 

Hate the Franchise, not the people.

 

One Love and Go Gigantes.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/8/11

Los Gigantes will raise their 2010 World Championship banner momentarily.

 

Damn, it feels good to be a world champion.

 

Take it in….

 

Alright, that’s enough.There is a game to play and win.

 

Here’s hoping we get the Dirty Sanchez on this Opening Home game celebration.From what I hear, that exactly what is going on at 3rd and King this morning.My Pops (never one to miss a party) has confirmed the bars were packed by 10AM and the championship liquor was flowing free.

Why do you have Jager and a Bloody Mary? “Cause I like to party.”

I am disappointed I am not celebrating in a drunken baseball stupor with my Pops.

 

One quick baseball tangent:

 

MLB Tonight on the MLB Network spent a solid 10 minutes on Bryce Harper’s professional debut in A-ball.

 

Is it possible to be sick of the dude before I watch him play a big league game?I don’t need Japanese style reports on Bryce Harper’s minor league games.

 

Wake me when he hits his 100th big league home run (2013).

 

Here is a sad fact about Bryce Harper. If he has a career that mirrors Pat Burrell (.840 OPS, 300 HR, and 1,000 RBIs) he will largely be considered a failure.

 

Now if Bryce has half of Pat the Bat’s sex tales, he will be a winner in my eyes.

 

Beer Me:

 

I will be attending the Bay Area Craft Beer Festival tomorrow with KJ, C-Lew, and the Real Dante’ Hicks tomorrow afternoon.

 

It should be a delicious S-Show.

Here is a preview:

I hope to still be awake before first pitch on Saturday night.

4/6/11

 

$$$ Well Spent

 

I paid $210 for the MLB Extra Innings package from DirecTV.I came to the realization that I will spend a whole lot more dinero because of this purchase.

 

Since I paid for the service, I want to get as much use as possible.To me, that means, always having access to the service.

 

Gameplan:

 

1: Purchase Slingbox HD Pro:$ 299.00

2. Purchase ipad 2 (32GB):$ 729.00

______________________Total: $1,029.00

 

I do not want to estimate what I will spend on tickets, food, and booze at live games this year.I am sure the price will be north of what the gadgets cost.

 

I need to stay productive at work to support my MLB addiction.

 

New Year, New Fads!

 

One week into the 2011 MLB season and a couple of fads have caught on:

 

1. Appendectomies are cool!

 

Stomach hurt?Take out your appendix!

 

I was worried when Andy Torres had his appendix taken out last year.He came back and helped Los Gigantes win the World Series.

 

There must be an Appendectomy to World Series winner correlation.

 

Matt Holliday and Adam Dunn will put my hypothesis to the test.

 

(Dunn and the White Sox have a better chance to prove the hypothesis.)

 

 

2. The MLB2K11 advertisements must be grueling on the Oblique muscles.

 

Brian Wilson strained his oblique holding his early 1990s cell phone a little too tight during filming.

 

Evan Longoria swung too hard trying to impress the young intern on the set.His digital self did hit some monster bombs.

 

He impressed the young intern.

 

Roy Halladay may be the next to fall.

 

I think the 2K series may have a curse forming.In 2010, Nelson Cruz, Kendry(s) Moralas, and Andrew Bailey were all featured in the 2K commercials.

 

All missed significant time in 2010.

 

Good to see the Madden Curse has found an heir-apparent.

 

Hoot and Holler:

 

Give me a second to blow off some steam…

 

Another 3:35 PM start time for Los Gigantes and the Fathers?I hate Twilight start times.I hate the word Twilight.I hate the Movie series about the super-EMO, non-attractive, and whiney beezy.

 

I hate that I have used the word “hate” five times in the past four sentences.

 

4 of Los Gigantes first 6 games have had Twilight start times.

 

Yes, I hate that.If you do not know why I hate Twilight start times, please read yesterday’s (4/5) Daily Bs.

 

The good news?

 

Lincecum will shove and Los Gigantes will win.

 

If not, Buster may need an Appendectomy to jumpstart the season.

I hope it doesn’t come to that.

4/5/11

 

Los Gigantes and The Fathers have a 3:30 PM start time.

 

Padres’ management must love shadows.

 

What are shadows good for?

 

1. Viewing a Day Eclipse.

2. Allows the Groundhog make his only contribution to society.

 

3. Entertainment for kids at sleepovers (Animal hand shadows).

 

4. Good for funny sex scenes in movies (camping tents).

 

5. Baseball Pitching Staffs (Exclude Barry Zito from Sunday).

 

 

What are Shadows not good for?

 

1. Aubrey Huff in the outfield.

 

2. Offense in Baseball games.

 

3. Viewing a Baseball game on TV.

 

4.Announcers of Baseball Games.

 

5.BASEBALL.

 

The Padres are smart little devils.Who gets the ball for the Padres this afternoon?

That would be Aaron Haran, who sports a 4.72ERA and a WHIP of 1.45 over the past three years.

 

Little known fact: Shadows and Aaron Harang are BFFs.

 

The Padres have successfully closed the gap of talent between themselves and Los Gigantes with a natural resource: Shadows.

 

If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

_____________________________________________________________________

4/4/11

Top Quotes of the weekend from Dodger fans and our reactions.

 

1. Many Dodgers Fans: “The Giants Suck!”

 

2010, 2010, and 2010.

 

2. One confused baseball fan “The Orioles Suck!”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

3. Dodgers fan who may have a few cameos on Gangland: “I want to kill some Giants fans.”

…All quiet on The Three Bs front.KJ did not even have to prompt me on that one.

 

 

4. A Woman who tried to block entry to our section: “Give me your Snuggie.”

 

I hate the Dodgers but love capitalism.It will be on ebay.

 

5. A Dodgers fan after I told him his World Series Trophy is old enough to buy him an alcoholic beverage: “Is that the last time we won?”

 

Yeah, that would be 1988.

6. Douche-bag Dodgers fan behind us when KJ and Ipartook in deuces (2 balls, 2 strikes, and 2 outs) in the 8th inning of Sunday’s contest: “Is that a cocaine reference?

Yes, it is a cocaine reference.

 

7. Same Douche bag as #6 when he made fun of Japan and even I thought it was off-colored: “That’s what we do in L.A. we make fun of everything.”

 

Because of Douche bag?

 

8. Dodger fan and fellow amateur writer Andrei Ojeda: “Which one of you is the blogger?”

 

I was kind of shocked to be somewhat recognized.Good stuff.

 

9.Same Douche Bag as 6 and 7: “You blog, oh goodness.”

 

SLY:“Hey, If Jonathon Broxton was a fruit, what would he be?”

 

So-Cal DB: “I dunno bro, what?”

SLY: “A Pear.”

 

So-Cal DB: “Whaaa?”

 

SLY: “Because they look the same.”

 

So-Cal DB: “Aww man, you’re kind of funny.”

 

Thank you for fitting into your XS shirt.

10: Dodger-Talk Radio Host after the game: “I don’t get the last reference.”

 

I called in to Dodger-Talk on 790AM on the way out of Dodger Stadium and gave them three things Jonathon Broxton can do to ensure a successful season.

 

1: Grow a beard, dye it black.

 

2: P90X.

 

3. Go on George Lopez.

Peace out Los Angeles.

______________________________________________________________________________

4/1/11

Ten thoughts on Opening Day:

1.The 2011 version of the Brewers are Harvey’s Wall Bangers 2.0.Too bad the Brewers have to use the bullpen.

 

2.There is magic in Dusty’s wristbands and toothpicks.

 

3. John Sterling is as annoying as ever.“Teixeria sends a Tex message to right field. Yes, You’re right on the mark, Teixeria.”

 

 

4.The Cardinals will be able to afford Albert Pujols if he stays on pace to hit into 486 double plays.

 

5. Jayson Heyward is the next Kaz Matsui.

 

6. Bud Black owns a magic wand.

 

7. Maybe I can predict the future.Clayton Kershaw, wow.

 

8. I may not return alive from Los Angeles this weekend. A few knuckleheads don’t get it.Enjoy the game more, brothers.

 

9. Re-read BoooOOoo-Rrrriiiiibbbbbbbbeeee. He is officially fair game.

 

10.I love Baseball.

 

3/31/11

A start of a new season brings a start of a new feature to The Three Bs.The Daily Bs will be short, sweet, and updated daily.Enjoy!

My thoughts on Barry Zito’s car accident:

 

Please Jesus, let Barry Zito make his scheduled start on Sunday.I wouldn’t want the season debut of “The Barry Zito Drinking Game” to be delayed.

 

Opening Day is my Christmas.I am sure many people around the country feel the same.I will not be productive at work as I constantly check box scores, twitter updates, and follow each of my fantasy player’s at bats.

Welcome back Baseball, How I have missed you.

 

Play Ball!

Opening Day Diary

For Daily Updates

Please Check Out http://The-Three-Bs.com

 

 

Los Gigantes Home Opener 4/9/11

 

I had my real world job to perform during Opening Day last Friday.  Lucky for me, RT had the day off.  He agreed to do a running diary during the game.  My thoughts are in italics under his.

 

11:58am: Beer numero uno.

 

Lucky ******* sitting on his couch while I try to sneak glances at the Television.

 

12:17pm: Ray Ratto is wearing a hideous sweater.

 

It is almost to the point where Ratto is like Craig Sager.  I can’t wait to see what he is wearing.  If Ratto ever wears a yellow corduroy sweater, my head will explode.

 

12:35pm: Bull Neukom’s sport coat is older than Willie Mays and uglier than Amy G.

 

Agreed.

12:37pm: Beer Numero dos.

 

Really? You have the day off and you are on a 39 minute per beer pace.  It takes no talent to go at your best speed at a high speed.  I am disappointed in my brother at the moment.

12:40pm. I wish I had tickets.  My *** won’t leave the couch for the next 3 hours.

 

Make that 4 hours and 24 minutes.


12:47pm: Oh God, Renel.

 

Now batting….Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry Boooonnnnnnnds (ear bleeding levels).

 

12:52 pm: Ashley (girlfriend) is home for lunch. I offer her a beer and she declines.  Beer numero tres.

 

I would have tried sex.  Good to see RT finished the 2nd beer at 15 minutes.  Beer pace lowered to 27 minutes per beer.  I am still disappointed.

12:55 pm: Train? Really? Bands Before games are lame.

 

If Train performing before an opener was the punishment for winning the World Series, I don’t know if it is worth it.


Los Gigantes enter the field from Center.  I hope this becomes a new tradition.

 

I think RT is drunk off 2 ½ beers.  The time stamps have disappeared.


Brian Wilson is the man. “Cooperstown wanted this ball. I told them no. They can have our players but not this ball.”

 

#WorldseriesWinning

 

Nice tribute to Brian Stow with a Beat LA chant. Love it.

 

If Brian Stow does not recover, does he get a patch? I vote yes. 

brian-wilson-raise the banner.jpg

 

Brian Wilson runs out to center to raise the championship banner.  Is it over the top? Maybe, but it is complete awesomeness.  I have Goosebumps.

 

Brian Wilson will be a professional wrestler before he becomes a Ninja Action Movie Star.


Game Time:

 

How pissed is Tony LaRussa?  He had to stand on the field for almost an hour.  There are ceremonies for each of the weekend games as well.  A Gigante may get plunked to send a message to Los Gigantes management to tame down the pre-game ceremonies.

 

-Top 1: Jonathon Sanchez starts the game with a 4 pitch walk. He’ll come back n strike out the side. That is the Sanchez we all know and love.

 

Poor Bochy. I think Sanchez has taken years off his life.  We have inning stamps!

 

Top 2: Uhhh, Huff in the outfield. When is Ross Back? Dammit, 1-0 Cardinals.


aubrey-huff.jpg 

If Belt sticks, Huff will be out there next year as well.  What happened to the best athlete on the team?

 

Bottom 2: Pablo takes two pitches (balls), I pitch a tent, Pablo swings at the next pitch (ball), I lose my tent, Pablo with a base hit, and the tent is re-pitched. 

 

I understand completely.  Where is the cerveza update?  I am kind of living through you at the moment.


Top 3:  Uggg, Huff again.

 

U.G.L.Y.  This is becoming a real problem.

 

Bottom 3: WOOOOOOOOOOHHHOOOO (Tejada bomb).

 

And Tejada becomes the Statue to hit a home run in the Big Leagues.  Why is his home run trot appear so fast, but he looks so slow on everything else?

 

Hell yeah, Jonathon Sanchez with a double.

 

Boom, Freddy Sanchez with his own double.


double double.jpg 

 

Double-Double! Can I trademark the “in-N-out” offense? 

Top 5: Jonathon Sanchez is settled. He looks good.  Burrell makes a great catch as he crashes into the wall.

 

Ummm, what happened to the 4th inning? 

 

Bottom 5:  I stopped counting beers but there are only 2 Coronas left.


beer fridge.jpgFail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail 


The lapses in time are explained!


Top 6: Once again Sanchez can’t get through 6.  The long first did him in.

 

He averaged 5.8 innings per start last year.  You know what you’re getting.

 

Bottom 6: Everytime Burrell is up I think he is going to go deep.  30 seconds later: Boom, Burrell goes El Centro.

 

Belt hits his 1st MLB double!  Put him in the Hall!

Whenever I think about Burrell, I think about him defecating on some girl’s living room because she passed out and couldn’t get with Pat The Bat.

 

Belt goes into the hall in 2032.  Book it.

 

Top 7:  Affeldt looks unhittable.

 

Welcome back 20.09 Version.  20.10 Version was put in the recycle bin.

 

Top 8: Home Depot doing more on defense, yeah Pablo!

 

I guess RT finished his all the beer.  I do not get it.


Top 9: Wilson time. That beard has so much amazing inside.

 

It is so dense it can even support rust.

 

What is that tattoo on Yadier Molina’s neck.  A camera shot zoomed in but I cannot figure it out.


yadier neck tat.jpg 

 

I am not sure what it is, but I know what it signifies: I am a professional athlete. I do what I want.  I will never have to rely on anyone else for employment. 

Walk, infield single and now a HBP to Jon Jay.  This is turning into a typical Wilson save.  I feel a mini ulcer forming.

 

Kaz Matusi at the plate….errr Ryan Theriot doing his best impression.

 

Mother Eff’er (Theriot singles in two. 5-4 Cardinals).

 

That’s not how the Matsui at bat ended last year.

 

Bottom 9: Great, Rowand is hitting for Huff, stupid defensive replacement.  I mean, great job A-Row!

 

Panda comes through!!!  Bonus Baseball!

 

It feels strange to feel confident in Rowand.  I think this happens every April and May.  By June I will completely forget this feeling and loathe his at bats.

 

Top 11: Oh boy, only Runzler left.  He dominates.

 

I have man crushes on lefty relievers who have filthy stuff.  It may be a fetish.


Bottom 11: Torres hits a  leadoff double.  Go start.  Free 90 feet?  Thank you very much.  Lets go F.Sanchee.  Here is the 5 infielder defense.  Get her in the air.  F.Sanchee out.  Rowand has a chance to be the hero two years in a row.

 

At this point, I got off work and went to the bar. I could no longer handle ESPN Gamecast.  See, I need an ipad and Slingbox in my life.  Wow, Great play Allan Craig.

Intentional walks to Posey and Sandoval give DeRosa a chance to beat his former team.

Bat. On. Shoulder.

 

EFFF.

You gotta swing the battttt, you gotttttta swing the batttttttt.  I was just offered a beer.  I accepted.

 

Man at Bar: “Why did you accept my offer now but not 10 minutes ago?”

 

SLY: “Alcohol is a depressant.  I am depressed.”

 

Top 12:  Great inning from Runzler.  That is the Runzler I saw in Spring Training.

 

I am upset I didn’t get to see any Spring Training games.  In related news, my liver thanked me for not attending Spring Training in 2011.

 

Bottom 12:  Here we go. Runners are on the corners with two outs.  Here comes Rowand.  Hammered that, Game Over!


arow hero.jpg 

Two years in a row for A-Row!  Again remind me of how I felt about Rowand in a couple months.

A big thank you to Colby Rasmus for slowing down on that ball, I thought he had a good opportunity to make the play. 

 

tony-larussa-colby-rasmus-cardinals.jpg

 

Another beer please.

 

Man in Bar: “I thought you drink when you are depressed?”

 

SLY: “I also drink when I am happy.”

 

BIG thanks to RT.  I know that was a pain in the A$s.

 

Miss Cleo and The End of The World

Please Check out www.The-Three-Bs.com for daily updates!

 

Follow us on Twitter @The_Three_Bs

 

Miss Cleo and the End of the World

SLY
3/30/11
 

Miss Cleo and I have one thing in common; we both cannot predict the future.  I am quite jealous she was able to turn her non-ability into income, which is an ability I would like to pursue.  Why is Miss Cleo occupying space on The Three Bs?  Duh, prediction time!

 

A few of The Three B regulars and I have decided to give our predictions for the upcoming MLB season.  Why?  We all think we are smarter than we really are.

 


Predictions lead to these phrases exchanged between friends.

 

1.) “I told you so.”

2.) “You’re an idiot.”

3.) “Effing Homer.”

 

I want to do a quick hit on Brandon Belt before we dive into our predictions for the 2011 season. It was announced a few hours ago that Belt made the Big Club (Good-bye Ishi).  That is fantastic news.  This was the first step the 2011 Gigantes have taken to improve upon the 2010 World Championship version.  It is promising to see the franchise put out the best possible product on the field, no matter the cost.

 

There has been a lot of GFM’s (General Fan Managers) around the greater Bay Area which have flooded the radio waves and Gigantes websites suggesting the newest Double Bs to start at Fresno. Not because Belt was not the best option, but because the GFM’s were worried about his Super-Two status.

 

Are you kidding me?

 

I understand the financial impact starting Belt on the big club, but Belt will only obtain his Super-Two status if he stays on the 25 man roster for the entire next two years.  If he does, he will have played well enough to earn the money. 

 

Please remember this fact; Ws in April are not worth less than Ws in September. 

 

With Ross out, Belt is the best option. 

 

What’s the best part about Belt and his arbitration clock?

 

Two answers:

 

1.) Everyone assumes Belt will be an absolute stud.

 

This was the case with the A’s in the late 90’s and early 2000s.  Every player that came up (Grieve, Tejada, Chavez, Hudson, Zito, Mulder, and Crosby) was billed as can’t miss players.  For the most part they didn’t miss, albeit some of their stars faded quickly. 

Gigantes fans have not allowed themselves to get too attached to players coming from minors since the late 80s.  Our expectations were tempered with the likes of JR Phillips, William VanLaunchingPad, and Todd Linden.  A funny thing happened in 2005; Matt Cain came up and was as good as advertised.  A very Oakland Athletics like streak began to build: Wilson, Sanchez (2006), Lincecum (2007), Sandoval (2008), Posey, Bumgarner (2009), and now Belt (2011).  It has gotten to the point where we believe and expect good things from our young players. 

 

I used to fantasize about Los Gigantes having a young stud player.  I yearned for one.  When F.Loser (Fred Lewis) hit for the cycle in 2007, I allowed myself to get excited.  I created him in my baseball video game and hit him 3rd.  I watched Belt last night and actually felt like Los Gigantes were using a created player.  It felt like cheating, and I loved it.   

 

2.) We will all be dead when the Belt would have been eligible for Free Agency anyway.  In case you forgot, the world ends on December 21st, 2012.

 

KJ and I decided in 2009 that we are going to throw an “End of the World Party.”  It is going to epic. Party favors will include: cocaine, prostitutes, and Johnnie Walker Blue. 


 

 

You might want to mark your calendar.

 

…and with that onto the 2011 MLB predictions.

 

KJ:

NL (West) Gigantes, (Central) Brewers, (East) Braves, and (Wild Card) Phillies

 

AL (West) Athletics, (Central) White Sox), (East) Red Sox, and (Wild Card) Twins

 

World Series: Red Sox over Brewers

 

Awards:

NL: (Cy Young) Roy Halladay, (MVP) Troy Tulowitzki, and (ROY) Brandon Belt

AL: (Cy Young) Jon Lester, (MVP) Adrian Gonzalez, and (ROY) Jeremy Hellickson

 

RT:

NL (West) Rockies, (Central) Brewers, (East) Phillies, and (Wild Card) Gigantes

AL (West) Athletics, (Central) Twins, (East) Red Sox, and (Wild Card) Yankees

 

World Series: Red Sox over Phillies

 

Awards:

NL (Cy Young) Roy Halladay, (MVP) Troy Tulowitzki, and (ROY) Brandon Belt.

AL (Cy Young) Jon Lester, (MVP) Adrian Gonzalez, and (ROY) Jeremy Hellickson

 

C-Lew:

NL (West) Gigantes, (Central) Brewers, (East) Phillies, and (Wild Card) Braves

AL (West) Athletics, (Central) White Sox, (East) Red Sox, and (Wild Card) Yankees

 

World Series: Red Sox over Phillies

 

Awards:

NL (Cy Young) Roy Halladay, (MVP) Albert Pujols, and (ROY) Freddie Freeman

AL (Cy Young) David Price, (MVP) Adrian Gonzalez), and (ROY) Kyle Drabek

 

SLY:

NL (West) Gigantes, (Central) Cardinals, (East) Braves, and (Wild Card) Phillies

AL (West) Athletics, (Central) Twins, (East) Red Sox, and (Wild Card) Yankees

 

World Series: Braves over Red Sox

 

Awards:

NL (Cy Young) Clayton Kershaw, (MVP) Albert Pujols, and (ROY) Brandon Belt

AL (Cy Young) Gio Gonzalez, (MVP) Alex Rodriguez, and (ROY) Kyle Drabek

 

Let the 2011 season begin. 


 

“Call Me Now!!”

Your Playoff Beard is Weird

I have never
been to a Gigantes playoff game where they were victorious. 
I am 0 for 2.


I went to
those games as a child. 


I am now
legally able to purchase alcoholic beverages, which makes me a man.


I stated in
the previous post I was going to dye my beard ala B-Jeezy .


I went for
it, big time.


I rushed
home from work around 2:00pm last Thursday. 
The Just for Men was ready to
rock.  The color was labeled as REAL BLACK.  (That’s why it looks so damn good on men,
words don’t lie.)  

Just-for-Men real black.jpg

5 Easy Minutes? I think not.


I quickly read the
instructions.  I figured I’ve seen the commercials
enough where my man instincts would take over. 
I mixed the color and went to town on my beard.  I then proceeded to make a fatal JFM booboo.  One month before my 27th day of
birth, my beard still comes in patchy.  

beard me smaller.jpg

I
thought it’d be a good idea to brush the patchy areas with the color brush.  I had 5 minutes to kill (downed a beer) while
the color set.  I was surprised how much
the JFM stung my face.  I wonder if
B-Jeezy had the same experience.


The painful
5 minutes ended and I jumped into the shower. 
I got out and was met with hysterical laughter from Lj.  My patchy spots were still filled in with the
real black color of JFM.

batter up tn.jpg

Holy Mother Effing
Toledo Uranus Saturn Christo.


I looked
amazing…


That’s what
I kept telling myself.


I freaked
out, Lj told me the dye might stay in my skin for a week.  I had work in 48 hours.  I had JFM regret, but I imagine that’s part
of the experience.


I hastily
grabbed some household items that may remove the dye from my skin. 


The items
included:


1. Make-up
removal.


2. Nail
polish removal.


3. K-Y Warming
Sensation Lube (Awkward…)


4. Tattoo
lotion


5. Proactiv
daily scrub


I had to own
it; the dye was here to stay.


I wasn’t planning
on wearing the Timmy wig and Jersey, but hell, might as well go all out.


I put the
outfit on and looked in the mirror.


The reflection
showed equal parts Tim Lincecum, Jesus Christo, and Brian Wilson.

 timmy jesus wilson.jpg

Timmy Jesus
Wilson
.


The gang
loaded into the vehicle and we were off to Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T Park.  Lj asked me to get sunglasses out of the
center console. 


My thought process: I
am driving, why doesn’t Lj grab the glasses. 
Whatever. 

I opened the console and found an item with the glasses, a
freakin Smirnoff Ice.    


Lj and KJ
thought this was hilarious.


Holy Mother Effing
Toledo Uranus Saturn Christo.


SLY: “I am
not drinking this until we get there.”


KJ: “I’ll
keep it warm for ya.”


KJ took the Smirnoff
Ice and proceeded to place the bottle under his butt to insure safe keeping.


Thanks KJ.


When arrived
at the parking lot, I got on one knee and accepted my icing like a champ. 

iced beard tn.jpg


The group
walking by us laughed rather hard.  I don’t
know if they laughed at my appearance or the icing, possibly a combination of
both.


Pete’s was
on our pregame agenda.


My
Grandparents were also attending the game and were to meet us at Petes.

Here is all
you need to know about my Grandparents. 


My Grandmother
on my Grandfather and his alcohol consumption:


Grandmama: “Your
Grandfather may not be able to walk or talk, but he can always drive us home.”

drunk couple.jpg

I love my
Grandparents.


When we met
them at the bar they already had a table and drink.  My Grandmother did not recognize me.  Once she realized it was me, she told me “I
was sooo ugly” about 12 times in 25 minutes. 

this guy (beard) tn.jpg

How is this mug ugly?


My G-Parents
are no rookies at the bar scene.  My
Grandpa ordered a Jack on the rocks and my Grandma ordered a white zin. 


My Grandpa
also brought a 13oz flask of Jack.  My
Grandma brought a jug of wine.  They
continued to re-fill their glass.


Pros.


After the
quality pre-game, it was time to get into the park. 


I made notes of things that were said to me because of my appearance. 


Here are the
top comments:


“Fear the
Beard.”


“Your Beard
is weird.”


“Woah, what
happened?” (My response: JFM is more complicated than it looks on TV.)


“Is that
real?”


My friend Brad
came up clutch with tickets; they were 4 rows from the field, right past first
base. 


Thanks Brad.


Timmy took
the hill and the park took on an electric feel. 


We all know
what happened next.


CG SHO 14K
performance.


I had to
write a short poem for the historical performance.


Timm-EE, Timm-EE

All the hitters whine

Butts return to the pine

14 Ks though Nine

Smoke Smoke Celebration Time

Timm-EE, Timm-EE

 


Remember
Timmy in August?  I prayed to Jesus
Christo to end Timmy’s Cy Yuck funk.  Jesus
is obviously a fan of #55.


I was the
guy at the yard who led the booing of Braves fans.  If I spotted a Braves fan, I would stop,
point with two (more manly than one) fingers, and yell “Boooo That Man.”


Booing commenced. 


Braves fan
realized he was not welcome. 


I do not
remember much about the ride home.  I
remember I was one happy boy.


My first playoff
victory made me feel warm and tingly inside. 
I was ready for game two.


Friday,
October 8th, 2010.


Game 2


A revelation
occurred when I washed my face.  The
toner (step 2) of the Proactiv system took the dye off my face.  I no longer wanted to look like a man with a
sharpie on his face.  I used about $16.36
of Proactiv toner to remove the excess dye from the skin of my face. 


I have been
told by my Hispanic friends that I am an honorary Mexican because of my love of
the food and tequila.  I now looked the
part as well.  Too bad it wasn’t Cinco de
Mayo.


KJ and I left
for the yard after a quick gym session.  We
arrived at the parking lot, and there was no attendant, but we parked
anyways.  We headed to 21st
Amendment for a little pre-game until the attendant could take our money. 


Per usual,
21st Amendment was fantastic, great brews and food.  With our belts loosened and our brains mushy,
we walked back to the parking lot.


There was still
no attendant.


Maybe it was
the 9.7% brews or maybe it was our gambling background.  We made a decision that could drastically
alter our night.

life_is_a_gamble_ed_hardy-1361.jpg

KJ: “Screw
it, let’s roll the dice.”


SLY: “I don’t
think Jack (Attendant’s name) looks at the tickets.  He’s more concerned with dying.”


KJ: “A tow
truck wouldn’t even fit in here.”


SLY: “A parking
ticket is like $45, only $15 more than what they’re charging.”


KJ: “On to
Pete’s.”


After Pete’s
we made our way into the yard.  We had
the same seats as game one, boooyeeehawwww.


I had total confidence
in Cain, and he dealt. 


Admittedly,
I thought the game was over when Pat the Bat went 3-run jimmy jack in the
first.


Bobby Cox
got run for the final time in his hall of fame career.


I was almost
in celebration mode. 


I know,
premature guy.


I continued
to make Braves fans feel uncomfortable for coming into our yard. 


I never felt
better yelling at a grown man.


Brad and I
did start quite a few chants to heckle a Brave.

We heckled a player not
even on the roster, the bullpen catcher.

drunk-man-sober-thoughts.gif

I don’t know
his first name but his last name was Butts.


Awesome.


The chants
started out harmless.


Brad: “BIIIGGGGG!”


SLY: “BUTTTS!”

X3


Brad: “SMMMEEEEELLLLLYYYY!”


SLY: “BUUUUTTTSSS!”

X3


They started
to get worse…


Brad: “YOU
LIKE IT IN YOURRRRRR…..”


SLY: “BUUUUUUUTTTTTTSSSSS.”

X3


We started to take requests from other Gigantes fans for chants they wanted to hear with “Butts”
involved.  They ranged from G-NC-17
ratings. 


We had David
Ross in stitches.


A non-fan
friendly Usher told us he was watching us, and we were not permitted to heckle
players.


That was a
buzz kill.


We continued
the chants until the Braves mounted the game tying rally in the 8th.  I was no longer in celebration mode.  Rick Ankiel punched 44,032 Gigantes fans in the stomach.  Doesn’t he know we came to see Los Gigantes win?

Stomach-Punch.jpg

Stomach
punch loss. 


My mind now
wondered if KJ’s truck would still be in the parking lot.  I walked up 2nd Street, turned
down Brannon, and approached the lot.


Gamble paid
off, the truck was still there.


FP was on
fire on the leader during the ride home. 
He was combative and had zero tolerance for poor baseball knowledge from
callers. 


KJ and I
were angry about the outcome but still had a very positive outlook on the
series. 


We got home
around 1:30am.  I had to be at work in 6
hours.  Uggh. 


The beard
was shaved off so I could look somewhat professional at work Saturday
morning.  I did have an awesome 5 O’clock
shadow due to the real blackness of
JFM.


Sunday, October
10th

Game 3


Dirty
Sanchez+ Brooks Conrad = Gigantes Victory.


Big ups to
Fred Sanchee for the 2 out hit to extend the 9th inning for
Huff.  That’s why you were brought to the
team.


If I ever
meet Brooks, I am buying that man as many drinks as he needs.  I feel he will be hitting the bottle often
the next couple days, months, and years. 
I hope this series hasn’t ruined his life.  I am dead serious.  His friends need to be on suicide watch. 


I put myself
on suicide watch when I had a horrible game in high school and made a few
errors. 


Confidence
is everything in baseball.  It is going
to take him a long time to recover. 


I loved the
result, but feel for the guy. 


Monday,
October 11th

Game 4


C-Lew joined
KJ and I to watch the game, he brought beer. 
Good man as always.  I arrived in
the 3rd inning, freakin 4:30pm start time.  It was 1-0 Braves.


Lowe was
dealing. 


RT text’d us
how he was pissed the Gigantes were getting no-hit by a guy on three days’
rest.  KJ, C-Lew and I all stated the
same mantra “We’re one pitch away from tying this game.”


6th
inning: Insert Cody Ross, Hero.

greatest-american-hero.jpg

Hero


New ballgame.


McCann took
MadBum deep to reclaim the lead in the 6th.   McCann
is a straight stud.


This is where
los Gigantes have been so tough all season. 
They scratch, claw, bite, and do any thing possible thing to eke out
runs. 


Top of the 7th
was no different. 


Who got the
big 2 out hit?


Cody Ross,
Hero.


Cassilla,
Loogy, and Wilson close out the game.


Celebration Time
included a class move to applaud and pay respects to Bobby Cox’s career.


Bring on the
Cheesesteaks. 


Saturday
cannot come fast enough.


If you haven’t
seen Ashkon’s “Don’t Stop Beilieving” Gigantes 2010 Anthem, you need to check
it out.  


Honestly.  I am jealous I do not have the talent to do
something like this.

I love the Will
“The Thrill” impersonation.